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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiance drinking

68 replies

Kitchen1234 · 08/02/2020 21:37

Hi we are getting married in 5 months time. My partner has drank all his life and stopped 5 weeks ago but has started drinking at weekends and doesn't see a problem since it's the weekend. He knows I don't like him drinking as he changes from the best man ever to falling out with me constantly after he drinks...I don't know whether to go ahead with wedding even though i love him to pieces. Will he ever stop to save our relationship

OP posts:
YellowBeryl · 08/02/2020 22:24

Please don't marry him he will only cause you great pain.Flowers

Deb2020 · 08/02/2020 22:26

Get away before u get stuck I know exactly how u feel as I've been dealing with it too.

Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 08/02/2020 22:27

Thank you all for your help it has made me think straight for the first time in months ❤

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 08/02/2020 22:29

I hope your ok Deb2020

OP posts:
copperoliver · 08/02/2020 22:31

Postpone it. X

heartyrebel · 08/02/2020 22:53

It'll only get worse after you're married. he's probably on his best behavior now, then you'll get to see the real him. It's a slippery slope downhill in my experience. If you have kids you'll be less likely to walk away, therefore having to put up with it. At least think about postponing the wedding.

HollowTalk · 08/02/2020 23:06

The thing is that when you marry, you don't just marry the guy, you get a lifestyle. You know damn well what your future lifestyle would be like if you stay with this guy. You'll be less well off as he's drinking so much, he's likely to lose his job or his licence, your friends and family will go off him and won't come around as often, there will be rows and you will get the blame for everything.

LovingLola · 08/02/2020 23:08

Count yourself lucky that you can see it before you marry him

AlwaysInTroubleAgain · 08/02/2020 23:14

It all comes down to compatibility. This is a problem for you, it feels like it will never change. Only you can work out if it's terminal or not.

I've been married 10 years and we're both mid / late 40s

I am creative and bohemian, rules don't mean much to me, my wife is far more rules driven & conformist
I am a feminist, so is my wife
I still use drugs, lightly, infrequently, my wife does not
I am anti-capitalist and politically active, my wife is not
I am a hedonist, led by pleasure, my wife is to a certain extent

We are both strongly anti-homophobic, anti-racist, left wingers

It works for us. There are so many posts from women here who my lifestyle wouldn't be compatible with and would split up with instantly.

Nobody can tell you what to do, only you can figure it out. Isn't free will kind of cool though?

Elieza · 08/02/2020 23:17

If drink is his way of chilling it will only get worse with the stresses of normal life. Before you know it he will really have a problem. I agree with the others. He needs to find a better way of dealing with stress or you can’t really marry him, as you will not be happy. He sounds manipulative too, blaming you for being unreasonable when it’s clearly his behaviour that’s the problem.
Sorry OP, difficult times.

Heartofglass12345 · 08/02/2020 23:42

HE WILL NOT CHANGE

Please don't marry him and expect him to change. It will more than likely get worse not better. If you had a baby with him, he would still be drinking every weekend and making out like you're over reacting.
You deserve much much better

Redland12 · 09/02/2020 00:07

Same here! Don’t marry him, I lived with it for 32 years, I’m out of it now and should of done it Years ago! Listen to the OP they are absolutely right. I wasted the best years of my life living with a drinker. You will always come second to it. Good luck 🌺

Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 09/02/2020 08:07

Thank you all, I have woke up in a different frame of mind and need to get this sorted and start a new life

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 09/02/2020 08:23

To give you an idea my dh and I went out last night. We had a couple of drinks. We aren’t hungover but know we drank. Got home at midnight leaving childless friends moving on to the next location.

First hour home was dealing with an awake child. Then awake and up by 6:15.

So back to him.

If he works all week and the only way he can relax is by drinking a lot of alcohol and then going to bed, how do you see him dealing with the above scenario?

Do you see him coming home early because he has to deal with the kids the next morning? Do you see him limiting the amount he has so he isn’t hungover? Would he only do it once in a while and not every weekend, both nights?

Or do you see you trying desperately to keep the kids quiet so they don’t wake him up? It engaging with them? Yelling at them to be quiet? Leaving all the parenting to you?

Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 09/02/2020 08:32

My children are adults and live with partners I'm 55

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 09/02/2020 08:38

Sorry. Doesn’t count then Blush

Flowers
Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 09/02/2020 08:51

When his kids were small he did the same, then when I started seeing him another ex warned me that he is controlling etc ...He said she is an idiot but a female friend of his spoke to me and said the girl is right and that she likes him a lot cos he is the life and soul of parties but too watch. His male friend said to me he will stop only if he wants to . During the week he is amazing then I dread weekends

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 09/02/2020 08:53

That's why it's making it so difficult for me but can't live dreading the time we have off together . He said last night he cant see the problem ..."It's only at weekends" and it's not a big deal !

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 09/02/2020 08:55

Is the weekend the only time you two get to spend together?

Eg, you both work during the week so the weekend is the only chance for some quality time?

Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 09/02/2020 08:56

Yes we both work full time

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 09/02/2020 08:59

And on a Sunday all day he will be quiet and sleep most of day then every Monday he is all loving towards me like nothing is wrong

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 09/02/2020 09:01

Do not marry this man until he has addressed the drinking problem. It's not a good idea to start married life with a drunk. He has to grow up sooner or later, why not now.

AnotherEmma · 09/02/2020 09:01

Surely you're too old for this shit?
His ex warns you about him and you decide to marry the guy?!

Original poster
Kitchen1234 · 09/02/2020 09:03

He was so convincing that she lied and others told me he is a great guy....which he is until weekends then after even 2 drinks his personality changes

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 09/02/2020 09:04

I hate to break it to you, but that is his personality.