How would I know if I’m gay?!

[BrandonBliss]

NC, been here years.

Married six years to DH, 1 four year old DC. Always wondered about girls but never went there other than a handful of drunken kisses and flirty texts when drunk in the past. Find myself more and more drawn to women, but I still fancy men sometimes. This whole thing with Phil Schofield has me thinking. Do people who are gay just KNOW? Because I certainly feel confused. Thanks for your help!

@SnarkyGorgon or it could be someone wanting a fantasy that matches their own sexual experience? I mean, while the thought of an attractive man is very exciting a male orgasm isn’t something that I can really relate to so it would be super weird if I only ever imagined a man/men while masturbating surely?

I'm straight and only ever imagine men, the idea of imagining a woman during masturbation disgusts me. I do believe that it is a spectrum though, I'm very much on one end of the spectrum but I know plenty of people who have mostly relationships with one sex but can feel attracted to the other sex as well. You can only do what makes you happy, if there is a label for it that you like them fine, but in the end it's just a label.

Hi all
I have an interesting back round. Would love to speak op

@notsoclevername - Beautifully put. . x

I am in my late 30s. Married with kids.
Two years ago I fell in love with a (straight) woman and that led to me realising that I am gay.
I always always had crushes on women but I was brought up straight and being gay was never an option.
Anyway, after coming out to my husband and after few very hard and difficult months - I have yesterday filed for divorce.
I feel terrible for breaking up our family, breaking my husband's heart, sorry for my children.. I am still heartbreakingly in love with that straight woman. Im about to move out from our beautiful home into some temporary accomodation. It is terrifying.
But also I am so proud of myself for having the balls to do it. And also excited and hopeful for the future.
PS definitely has made coming out later in life much easier for me to explain to people! :)

I have to admit, despite not wanting to be and disliking the term, that I am bisexual.

I'm married to a man and I love him dearly and wouldn't be without him, so that makes me bi. Every other single part of me is lesbian 🤦🏻‍♀️

I absolutely love women. I think about them, my (alone) fantasies always involve women.

Years ago, a friend who I didn't even know was a lesbian perused me and it stopped me in my tracks. I wanted to but I was too scared of the actual sex (I was only 19 and lacking confidence) - we did have a fumble when drunk and for a long time after I simply thought she was using me and I was straight. It took a loooong time for me to understand myself. I met a woman who wasn't willing to be publicly out but we had the most incredible 2 years where I genuinely thought I was gay. Then I met my DH who I was physically attracted to; it's important that because I actively fancied him when I first saw him. I married him and had DC's etc and still together almost 20 years later. I still love women though. Over the years many females have zoned in on me using their 'gaydar' the fact that I seem to stand out as being gay makes me feel even more like a lesbian. But then there is DH, who I am still attracted to and still have an active and enjoyable sex life with. The only thing I can say is i could never see myself with another man, only a woman.

So, I am reluctantly bi-sexual 🤷🏻‍♀️

@takeoffthelabelitmakesmeitchy - What a bold and well written post which I’m sure will help a lot of people. And certainly one I can relate to in many ways.

I was in my early 30s (40s now) when l received a great female awakening.

I’m not reluctantly bi though, I’m proudly bi, but I prefer being regarded as just “sexual” (no prefix).

@BethPorter I’d love to hear your experience too. I posted up thread about being in a not dissimilar position to @BrandonBliss. Op hope you’re doing ok!

I'm a bit surprised by some of the responses here and the labelling! There's just no need. I have been attracted to men and women and fantasised about both since I was a teenager, but ended up with men and never got further than snogging with girls because men are just easier! I'm happy with my (male) partner of 20 years but if we weren't together I'd definitely consider a relationship with a woman. To be honest I thought this was within the range of what is normal, and that the majority of women have somewhat fluid sexuality. Clearly I don't talk about stuff like this much! What surprised me most was that some women are turned on by cocks, I think they are ridiculous and have told DH I don't see why men would send dick pics as no woman would be turned on by them! You learn something new every day...🤣

@LostaraYil I could have written your post word for word. I am happily married but sad I never got to explore my sexuality with women fully nor had a relationship with a woman. If anything happened to DH or us I would def prioritise exploring that part of my sexuality

I'm a bit surprised by some of the responses here and the labelling! There's just no need.

Surely the response demonstrate that there is a need?

The fact that so many people want and need to know who they are is telling.

From a 'label' point of view, yes there is no need for you/me/us to label others, but the thread clearly demonstrates a need for some people to label themselves

.

Im much the same, few kisses with mates on drunken nights out but would say im intrigued about being with another woman. Ive been with DP for 13 years and was my 1st love at 15 so never really had the chance to experiment. I wouldnt say im gay though, i appreciate a beautiful woman but wouldnt say i fancy them

Labels are relevant to people if they choose to use them, some don't feel the need and that's fine but for those who find comfort in what to label themselves, they can be very important indeed and I would never negate their use for that reason.

I'm bi and it's taken me a long time to really understand and accept this, partly because of my upbringing. Bi-phobia is definitely a thing and it's one of the reasons why bisexual people feel pressured (even inwardly) to 'pick a side'.

I feel very different towards men and women and that's partly why it's taken me a while to be sure what I am. I fall very hard in love with women but the sexual energy is different, very tied up in how much I love them and the way I feel safe with them. Men I fancy more quickly and in a more carnal 'hungry' way but there is less emotional connection there and the feeling of there being a gulf between us emotionally. I definitely fancy both sexes though, usually once I've gotten to know someone a bit first. Occasionally like a bolt from the blue - Richard Armitage, I'm looking at you and your flashing, moody eyes.

I’m straight. Always known, never sexually attracted to a woman, I’m 48.

Message withdrawn at posters request?
That’s not true is it MNHQ?

What exactly did I do wrong??

I think what I find interesting is the difference between posters who are like ‘yeah, that’d be a possibility if I were ever single again and those of us who are more like ‘fuck, like has got a certain way and now I think I missed something’. I would LOVE to be content but I’m not. I wish I could make that different!

And maybe the labels needed are “fluid” and “flexible”.

This thread resonates with me. Early 40s have had relationships and encounters with women years ago. I was in and out of the closet as being gay as I didn’t know what I was. Eventually I passed it off as a phase and married a man. I now have three dcs and all the trappings that go with it.
But my feelings for women haven’t changed. In fact they have got stronger with age but now I feel it’s too late. I can’t leave. I can’t do it to the dcs. I can’t do it financially. I just don’t have options. So I remain living what is essentially a lie. Having hidden infatuations with women that I know I can’t act on.
And I think it’s really sad. But it looks like it’s the way it is.
I think I am probably bi-sexual if I had to put a label on it but I think it was partly labels that made me pick a side 20 years ago and marry a man. I knew back then that I fell in love or was attracted to the person rather than the gender but that seemed so hard to explain in the 90s and so I conformed.
Anyway. I just wanted to get that out.

I didn’t know I was gay until my mid 30s even though I’d been aware that I was bisexual since my teens. Once I realised, I couldn’t un-know it and it was suddenly very obvious that I always had been gay in retrospect even though I’d had some lovely relationships with men. It has ruined my life as I had to leave my husband and break up my family. Lots of ignorant people have the assumption that all gay people know what their sexuality is from a very young age (and lots of gay people who have always known that they were gay assume this too). They are wrong. It is extremely complex.

Being bisexual means you are attracted to both sexes, something straight or gay plus aren’t. I’m a straight woman so if I was bi, got married to a man and had dc but then had infatuations on women that I act on, that’s just the same as being straight and cheating. Of course it’s wrong. When you marry, you don’t stop ever being attracted to anyone else. Why is it different if it’s a different sexuality? Hope that makes sense.

gay people not gay plus!

I really admire other women. Can't stop myself eyeing them up sometimes..appreciate their curves an boobs ect. BUT could not go down there. No way.
(Although penises are not exactly pretty)

Posted too soon. It seems you have a stronger preference for women.
As long as you are happy with your husband it's fine. Are you 100% happy?

I would say try it if you didn’t have a dh.

I use to think I was into women until I tried it and turned out it wasn’t for me but I still find women attractive and would want to flirt and kiss but the sexual acts weren’t something I enjoyed doing on the single occasion I tried it so not sure if there’s a name for that