How would I know if I’m gay?!

[BrandonBliss]

NC, been here years.

Married six years to DH, 1 four year old DC. Always wondered about girls but never went there other than a handful of drunken kisses and flirty texts when drunk in the past. Find myself more and more drawn to women, but I still fancy men sometimes. This whole thing with Phil Schofield has me thinking. Do people who are gay just KNOW? Because I certainly feel confused. Thanks for your help!

@okiedokieme - In my book, your daughter has it spot on.

Others wondering about themselves, Google the Kinsey Scale. Interestingly, I’m straight (wrong word!) down the middle of the spectrum.

I don’t find men’s things very attractive or arousing if I’m honest. Lady’s things, definitely. I can imagine doing things with women. I obviously have done things with men in the past and sometimes feel aroused by it but I’m not gagging for it, if that made any sense.

I think it's so individual OP. I would consider myself straight because I'd never have a relationship with a woman, I would only ever want to be in one with a man. I also enjoy sex with a man.

But I have thought before, I wonder what it's like to do X Y Z with a woman. I probably never would but I've wondered 🤷

That's where we differ OP. It's all about the cock for me. The bigger the better.

@BrandonBliss I’m 35 and I think my problem is that it took a very long time for me to stop doing the next sensible thing/thing that was expected of me. I was so focused on never having to live at home again that by the time I came to think ‘just a second, is this me? Is this the life I wanted?’ I had, it feels, locked down my life with the husband, ‘good job’, naice house, 2.4 kids, dog etc that I’ve never had any fun or really learnt what I like or want.

I have no advice really, I’ve tried really hard to be content - and it’s not just the sex stuff it’s a load of other stuff too - but I’m not...

If you're not feeling happy and fulfilled in your relationship op - and it sounds like you're not - I think you owe it to your dh to be upfront with him. Especially if you're not sexually attracted to him.

From what you've said, I think you're gay, but as a PP suggested, Google the Kinsey scale. Maybe go to some lesbian mixers.

I'm attracted sexually to both men and women, but all my relationships have been with men. These days I can't imagine getting into a relationship with either sex, except on a very casual basis.

Girl on girl porn works

I came out as a lesbian, to myself first of all,when I was 38 and married. I'd always been sexually unfulfilled and ambiguous/confused. Yearning for an unknown something. One brief same sex experience which I dismissed as irrelevant. But I was drawn to the Fay scene and to women and finally had asexual experience and then relationship with a woman, and everything finally made sense. Me and my husband split up and it was difficult between us for a few years, although we are the best of friends these days. What I came to realise is that most people, straight people do not have that sense of ambiguity or confusion

Piss off @75Renarde. Clearly you can’t read and I’m entitled to say whatever I like. You are putting words in my mouth. Women aren’t repulsive. I said “I find the idea of performing oral sex on a woman repulsive to me.” Geez.

@JudgeyMcJudgey - “I wonder what...”

Pop round!

Don’t know 🤷🏽‍♂️ it will be different for everyone.

I knew from being about 4/5, obviously I didn’t have the ability to know that it meant gay, but I always knew I wanted to be holding the boys hands, not girls etc.

The problem with bisexuality OP is that bi-phobia is a really huge problem. If you’re bi and in a mixed sex relationship ignorant people deny you’re bi, if you’re in a single sex relationship the same idiots will demand that you’re gay. People are often openly bi-phobic as well, I’m on the dating thread and a poster on finding out that someone they were chatting to was bi was basically “why when I find someone to chat to do they want to fuck everyone” the ignorance about bisexuality is really really awful. Or if they find out someone is bi they are suddenly dirty and no longer dateable, an opinion I have sadly seen in real life and on MN. Sadly bi-phobia is seen as acceptable by far too many people.

How you feel about your DH, OP? I do think that's key. Were you ever excited by him, or was he just a safe bet? What feelings did you have in the early days with him?

Because at the end of the day, this is to do with your marriage and whether it is viable. There will be plenty of bi people out there who are happy to put their desire for women on the shelf because they are in love with, and happy with the man in their life, and choose monogamy. Is this actually viable for you?

Yep, biphobia is unfortunately very common.

I'm bisexual and married to a woman. That's how my friends and family know me now, but if I say x male celeb is hot, I'll get a confused "but you're married to a woman" or "oh dear...you're not starting to miss a man are you"

It really shouldn't be that confusing for people. Bisexual people are drawn to both sexes, but we are often labelled as greedy and or confused. It's incredibly annoying.

Anyway OP, it sounds as though you're probably also bi, but given you're married, there's not really much you can do to explore it, unless you're in an open relationship I guess.

Please don't jump for joy though, if he gives you the green light to experiment with a woman, because the only reason a lot of men do this is because they don't feel threatened by a woman, because there is no penis, which actually is massively insulting and often very dangerous, because they should feel threatened....because women are awesome

Also, how many times can you say "because" in a sentence before realising you need to work on your grammar? 5 apparently

You certainly sound gay. If you kiss women(even if drunk) and send them flirty messages then you are gay. You are in denial about it.

I had no idea I was gay until a drunken kiss with my best friend made me stop and think well that was nice! I had been married 16 years at that point and loved and fancied my dh so it was incredibly confusing.
I am probably bi but don't really worry about labeling myself. I have now been with my dw for 6 years who at the time of the kiss was also happily married but now realises she should have known she was gay all along and would never go back to a man now.
I can't imagine myself with anyone else so don't know if I would have a relationship with a man or a woman if i wasn't with my dw.

Oh and I was 38 when this happened.

inchoccyheaven what happened regarding your respective husbands and families?

Why would you think you’re a lesbian if you’re attracted to men? Lesbians aren’t into men, at all. You might be bi but leave lesbians out of it. we aren’t your experiment or an exciting thing for you to gossip with your mates about.

"Rockbox84" it was horrendous and I wish that I had behaved differently to get where we are now. At the time our dh were aware that we had kissed and it wasn't seen as a problem and to be honest we didn't expect it to develop but it did and we cheated until I left my dh 6 months later and then dw left hers shortly after. It was a confusing time for all and caused a lot of pain which I wish hadn't happened, but we were stupid.
However we are incredibly happy together and 3 out of 4 kids have come to terms with the break up. My eldest still isn't happy but not because of being gay but because he believes marriage is forever. Which i understand.

"Whatisthisfuckery" it is quite possible to be a lesbian even though she has been with men before. My dw loved and fancied her dh but she didn't particularly like the sex and says if she had known it was an option to be gay, her family were homophobic and had disowned another relative for being gay, she maybe would have explored feelings earlier. She definitely would now not ever have a relationship with a man and calls herself a lesbian.

Hi I’ve just name changed for the first time in 6 years for this. I’ve posted the odd pic of me in style and beauty etc so would rather be anon.

I’ve always had boyfriends. Am 42. I’ve always also been curious and would rather watch girl in girl porn than straight.
I had never had as much as a kiss with a woman until 3 years ago, nothing at all.

I ended up at a party with my neighbours and was very drunk and had a three some with them but concentrated more on the woman, it was her first experience of women too.

We did pretty much everything but I really wasn’t feeling it. I think looking back I was very comfortable in what I was doing but I didn’t fancy her at all. Her bf was all for it of course and sort of “suggested” it- stupidly it happened on a further 2 occasions and again I couldn’t climax which is crazy because I had always imagined it would be quick! I don’t see myself as wanting a relationship with a woman ever but I don’t think that will be the last time I sleep with a woman. We were both a bit clueless and it was awkward and if I was highly attracted to the woman I think it would be very very different. God it feels good to get that out

Yes I know that, but if one is attracted to men at all then one isn’t a lesbian, one is bisexual. I used to be married to a man but I have never been attracted to men, and sex used to make me feel physically ill. I’m fully aware of comp het and how lesbians are societally coerced into straight relationships, but if there is an attraction to men then that is bisexuality, not homosexuality.

If there is no attraction to men at all, and exclusively attraction to women then yes, the OP is a lesbian. OP says she’s occasionally attracted to men though.

I’m attracted to certain things about men such as the way they walk, or pronounce the letter ‘s’, or the way they laugh, but I don’t feel particularly sexually attracted to them

@CuriousCapricorn thank you for sharing! It’s pretty interesting

If you're not that sexually attracted to men then you're probably not straight or bi.. but then why did you marry a man?

Lots of women who later come out as lesbian marry men, it’s how we’re conditioned. You have no idea how powerfully society pushes us into heterosexuality unless you aren’t heterosexual. Society is still depressingly hostile towards lesbians, in fact if anything things are getting worse again. Men really don’t like it when a woman denies them access to her body for their own sexual gratification.

To add as someone who identifies as lesbian (agree labels not important), I can find men attractive and am sometimes aroused by MF porn, but I have yet to feel desire for any man in a way I feel desire for some women (early 40s). I usually don't like FF porn, it seems like I'm more picky and a lot of it is produced for men and that comes through. I've stopped looking for any but have lots of FF porn in my head... I am single so could sleep with a man and sometimes wonder but just can't be bothered.

Also, regarding women who are unsure, I'd be flattered to be someone's experiment as long as that woman really feels desire to do things with me, and is respectful of my feelings. In fact the idea of sleeping with someone in that case is charming and turns me on! Maybe a leftover from years of feeling shame around falling in love with a straight classmate when I was a teenager.

To those saying it's not necessary to come out. Of course it's not necessary. But while understandable (I'm sure biphobia exists), it's also part of the privilege that gay people don't have and makes it more difficult for gay women to approach you/ flirt with you. Often I fancy women who are not openly gay and I'm usually too shy/ ashamed to let them know it because as long as I think they're straight, what's the point? I'm always really impressed and grateful when a bi woman comes out. It adds to the visibility which makes it feel less isolated to be gay in everyday life.