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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

will someone give me some perspective on DP's behaviour?

79 replies

meadowberge · 07/02/2020 06:22

Been in a relationship for 5 years with DP, lived together for 4 years, no kids.

Two months into the relationship, he said he wants to go to a brothel. I said it's not ok with me, I thought we are in a relationship. He said I was being controlling and he went (told me he'd gone 3 days later). He said it didn't count as cheating because it was too early in the relationship (he hadn't yet told me he loved me).

In every disagreement, from the start of the relationship till now, he stonewalls me. He completely shuts down, won't communicate, pretends to be engrossed in something, if we are apart and I try calling him, he either rejects my call or a few times has even blocked my number. After a week he will return to normal as if nothing happened. Half the time this happens after an argument and half the time it seems to come out of nowhere, leaving me wondering what on earth's going on. I'm left completely in the dark. If I ask what's wrong, I get told to be quiet or i'll infuriate him.

He has also driven recklessly and gambled and said it was due to his anger towards me. I spend half my life walking on eggshells and desperately wondering what I've done wrong. I feel so distressed sometimes I think about leaving, but somehow I feel like, how can I leave him now if I didn't leave him in the past after the very worst of his behavior? All of which I've technically forgiven him for.

He thinks that all this is normal ups and downs of a relationship and he is just being a human. He thinks cause he's not beating me up and shouting and screaming, it's not at all bad behavior on his part.
I feel so distressed, and at the same time, I constantly second guess myself and feel like I'm overreacting.

Thoughts please.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 07/02/2020 11:54

OP get an STD check as a matter of urgency because I have no doubt that he's continued to visit prostitutes throughout your time together. Untreated STDs can cause lots of long term health problems, so please get checked asap.

If you go to your GP, you can tell her about the abuse and make sure you have rock solid contraception as you don't want a child with this man.

As others have urged, Freedom Programme in order to recognise red flags and unhealthy relationships. Counselling for yourself to unpack all this and work through it.

Contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for help and advice: 0808 2000 247

oobieloo · 07/02/2020 11:56

Just because you've been making the same mistake for a long time doesn't mean you should continue to do so.
I know you've put effort and time into this relationship but you know it's not a good one and it sounds like you're starting to realise you deserve better.
The way I see it is this. If you were able to go back in time and tell yourself to stay or run, what would you do? I'd tell you to run. And get checked out. He is Emotionally abusive and he has no respect for you even now. He won't change. You can find a better man than this. You'd be better off alone.
Also get a sexual health check.

brassbrass · 07/02/2020 15:20

2 months into the relationship he went to a brothel and you stayed for another 4 years?

What will it take for you to realise he is a complete and utter waste of your precious life???

CherryRedDocs · 07/02/2020 15:37

I would have dumped a man for even considering going to a brothel after dating me.

Same here.

WombOfOnesOwn · 07/02/2020 16:13

When you break up with this man make sure you read up about abuse and coercive control before entering another relationship. You could very easily end up taken advantage of by another abuser who is more subtle than this total piece of garbage.

Urkiddingright · 07/02/2020 16:15

You don’t have children so a split will be drastically easier, just do it for your own sanity. He’s a dickhead.

75Renarde · 07/02/2020 16:44

Guys, guys, guys.

Can we just STOP now with the old, 'Well, I wouldn't have tolerated this in eleventh billion years!'

Does not help the OP. One jot.

Surely it is clear, the OP suffers from extreme self-doubt and anxiety? Ersatz rubbing her nose in it, does not help.

The brothel issue was a massive black flag and a test. He had to test her because he was unsure of what her reaction would be. And she did not react. Now she is where she is.

In point of fact, I'd be FAR more worried about amateur sexual encounters than pros. They are far more likely to practise safe sex.

I'm so sorry OP. What you have been through just must have been totally crushing. But you dont have to live this way. I promise you, you dont. Flowers

loserssaywhat · 07/02/2020 16:49

This is terribly sad op. He's tested your boundaries and decided he can get away with pretty much anything.
As for the driving recklessly and gambling my ex used to do this too. You are not to blame for this.
You are not to blame for his treatment of you.
He's an abuser. None of what you've written is normal.
Don't spend anymore time speculating on it.
Get out.

Sexnotgender · 07/02/2020 16:52

He’s an appalling abusive dick head.

Do you really want to live the rest of your life with him?

Don’t get stuck in a sunk costs fallacy.

AskEvans · 07/02/2020 17:16

Why haven't you left the relationship already? Is it because you don't feel you could do any better? You can't do much worse quite frankly. Was one of your parents/childhood carers abusive or neglectful to you and you are repeating a familiar pattern? Somewhere along the line OP you have not learnt boundaries or self respect. I think the first thing to do before you leave him is to find a good counsellor that can help you through the breakup because it is clear you are not strong enough to do it on your own.

LettyFisher · 07/02/2020 17:16

Oh dear OP, he's so abusive and you need to work up the strength to leave him. He won't make it easy for you, but once you've got free and the FOG lifts, you will see this for what it is.

As a pp says, it's hard because you think you love him and he loves you. But really abusive people like this can't love you - this isn't what love is. In fact he hates you. I know what it's like, I stayed in an abusive relationship too long too. People stay for years, taking the worse kind of abuse imaginable, operating under the illusion that the guy loves them (because he says so Hmm even though his actions are completely the opposite). Look at his actions OP.

I know it's hard, and you are probably trauma bonded to him. But if you can make babysteps to freedom, talk to people, it will get easier.

LettyFisher · 07/02/2020 17:18

and yes abusers push and push your boundaries, gradually getting worse. But because you're in it, you can't see it. So it's easy for people to say "my god why are you tolerating this?" but you just do.

And no one understands why (Because it's clear to people on the outside what a monster the man is).

PickAChew · 07/02/2020 17:22

I'm surprised you stuck it out beyond the brothel incident.

funnylittlefloozie · 07/02/2020 17:27

How easily can you leave, in practical terms? Do you work, do you have any savings, do you have friends or family who could put you up at a push?

75Renarde · 07/02/2020 17:29

Again OP. Ignore PP who say, 'Why did you stick it out?' and focus instead on why you posted on here in the first place.

Something you are perceiving is wrong due to your own moral and ethical code.

Honestly, when I see people who say, 'well I wouldnt have put up with it!' All I see is self- angrandising behaviours.

Keep posting, OP.

Lucywithout · 07/02/2020 17:36

Good advice! There are few threads like this where all mumsnet are unanimous in saying "Leave him".
Abusive behaviour does not stop - it just gets worse. Run run run.

SoTiredTonight · 07/02/2020 17:50

Oh OP, he sounds absolutely awful and you must feel quite desperate for having stuck with it for so long and feeling you can’t get out. But you can!!! Please read again what @75Renarde and @LettyFisher have said, he has fucked with your head for so long that your reality is warped. He says he loves you but he acts the complete opposite. He’s an abuser OP. Please seek help and support in RL and make plans to leave as soon as you practically can. Hugs to you. x

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 07/02/2020 17:56

You are underreacting.

poopbear · 07/02/2020 17:59

Blimey. Why would you put up with this crap? How horrid. He’s not a man he’s a joke! You know you don’t have to believe everything he says right? He must be really good in bed for you to poke up with this!

madcatladyforever · 07/02/2020 18:06

I am astounded beyond belief that your relationship progressed beyond the initial brothel incident. Are you that desperate for a man that you will put up with this utter prick?
Take a step back and look at what you have written. Do you honestly think this man is a good catch?
Get rid then go foright some counselling to get your self esteem back.
It makes me feel depressed even reading this.

Selfsettling3 · 07/02/2020 18:09

Jesus, you lost be a bit when he went to the brothel. Surely this man is not making you happy? You can’t change your past but you are in control of your future.

Bluerussian · 07/02/2020 18:12

Please do leave this man.

You can forgive people but it doesn't mean staying and putting up with them. I doubt he'd stay with you if you had behaved that way!

Thank goodness you have no children. Move on, be free. You're worth so much more.

75Renarde · 07/02/2020 18:17

OP Come back!!!

There are people on here who want to help! Truly!

I know it's hard. Please do this for yourself and for your future.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 07/02/2020 18:21

2 months in and you didnt break up? Okkkay then

Kirkman · 07/02/2020 18:21

Again OP. Ignore PP who say, 'Why did you stick it out?' and focus instead on why you posted on here in the first place.

It's a very relevant question. The reason she stayed then is probably the reason she stayed 4 years. What's happened to her and why she chose to stay, when she had been with him 8 weeks, will shape lots of advice.

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