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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

will someone give me some perspective on DP's behaviour?

79 replies

meadowberge · 07/02/2020 06:22

Been in a relationship for 5 years with DP, lived together for 4 years, no kids.

Two months into the relationship, he said he wants to go to a brothel. I said it's not ok with me, I thought we are in a relationship. He said I was being controlling and he went (told me he'd gone 3 days later). He said it didn't count as cheating because it was too early in the relationship (he hadn't yet told me he loved me).

In every disagreement, from the start of the relationship till now, he stonewalls me. He completely shuts down, won't communicate, pretends to be engrossed in something, if we are apart and I try calling him, he either rejects my call or a few times has even blocked my number. After a week he will return to normal as if nothing happened. Half the time this happens after an argument and half the time it seems to come out of nowhere, leaving me wondering what on earth's going on. I'm left completely in the dark. If I ask what's wrong, I get told to be quiet or i'll infuriate him.

He has also driven recklessly and gambled and said it was due to his anger towards me. I spend half my life walking on eggshells and desperately wondering what I've done wrong. I feel so distressed sometimes I think about leaving, but somehow I feel like, how can I leave him now if I didn't leave him in the past after the very worst of his behavior? All of which I've technically forgiven him for.

He thinks that all this is normal ups and downs of a relationship and he is just being a human. He thinks cause he's not beating me up and shouting and screaming, it's not at all bad behavior on his part.
I feel so distressed, and at the same time, I constantly second guess myself and feel like I'm overreacting.

Thoughts please.

OP posts:

candative · 07/02/2020 08:02

I spend half my life walking on eggshells and desperately wondering what I've done wrong.

You've given it 5 years, you now have a sense of who he is. Ask yourself is this the future you want for yourself? Because of how he acts and how you have learnt to behave, your sense of what is right and wrong is skewed and your self esteem will be through the floor. Listen to others here. You deserve a better life than this. You don't need any reason to end this relationship. Get yourself organised and do it, empty the house and do it by text if you want to. My tip is avoid discussing your reasons, you don't have to give one beyond "it's not working for me". You can't have a fair discussion with someone who gaslights you and dismisses you so don't try. You can can't fix this.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2020 08:04

That visit to a brothel was a test and you passed with flying colours.

After that he knew he could treat you like shit and you would lap it up.

Now prove him wrong

EggysMom · 07/02/2020 08:09

Please be the woman who put up with this behaviour for 5 years and then left; and not the woman who puts up with this behaviour for 25 years and feels like she can never leave as she has no life of her own.

PermanentTemporary · 07/02/2020 08:10

A person can behave impeccably and you're still allowed to decide that you're not happy with them and to end it.

In this case, if you need an outside perspective, most men don't visit brothels. I was shocked rigid by that.

You dont have to argue with him or change his mind - you won't. You can have a life of calm where you are happy. Right now I am in bed alone (except for my cats) with a cup of coffee and listening to the music I like because I'm not bothering anyone else by playing it. I'm only prepared to consider having a partner if what he offers is better than this. Dont you deserve that too?

TreatMyself · 07/02/2020 08:15

You’ve been having sex with him for years after that?

sallievp · 07/02/2020 08:22

Please find some self respect and leave him!!! He went to a brothel when you were dating and you didn't dump him??!!! This has to be a sick joke!!
You deserve so much better. We only get ONE life.

SurfingGiantess · 07/02/2020 08:31

You deserve to be happy and not be afraid of his reaction.
Like others have said you don't need to find a reason why. You know your reason. It doesn't matter if he can grasp that. Of course he won't. No children so run run run. You don't need anyone's approval to leave. Even if everything g was perfect you're still entitled to leave.
"This isn't working for me anymore, I'm breaking up with You."
That's it. Get yourself a lawyer and get out now.
I was in a relationship like it and it got worse over the years. It's very rare people change and he won't because he can't even listen or reason with you.

ShatnersWig · 07/02/2020 08:33

His behaviour is not normal at all.

But, I mean this respectfully, nor is yours. It's not normal, two months into seeing someone, that you'd carry on seeing them after what they told you.

Please leave and look into why you feel it's OK to accept being treated like this and become emboldened not to accept similar behaviour in future.

YasssKween · 07/02/2020 08:57

how can I leave him now if I didn't leave him in the past after the very worst of his behavior?

By leaving.

Please leave.

He's a nasty bully who has been given far too many chances and manipulated you into ignoring a million red flags.

You currently aren't married and have no kids. This is a HUGE blessing. A huge blessing.

Imagine being with someone who loves you, speaks to you kindly, has a laugh with you, tells you you look gorgeous, says he's proud of you when you get good work news etc etc

Those things are normal - they are lovely, but they are normal and I'm concerned they probably sound too good to be true to you?

They aren't too good to be true. They are what you should expect.

Please leave before tying yourself to this man by marriage or god forbid bringing a baby into this environment.

Do you see from the responses on this thread just how unusual and awful his behaviour is? People are shocked. And sad that you've put up with this for so long. Please leave.

PermanentTemporary · 07/02/2020 09:00

You don't have to justify your decision to him. He is never going to say 'hmm, good point, sounds like we should end this amicably'.

MoodLighting · 07/02/2020 09:06

In the kindest possible way, do you suffer from low self esteem? I can't imagine a new partner telling me they were going to visit protitutes and staying in the relationship. You deserve to ve treated with respect. Think about your boundaries - it's ok to tell people certain things are not acceptable.

simplekindoflife · 07/02/2020 09:07

He's sounds like a dickhead and I would leave him.

I spend half my life walking on eggshells and desperately wondering what I've done wrong. I feel so distressed

But there's no point in analysing his bad behaviour or wrong doings, as THIS ^ is not at all normal and you should definitely leave him for making you feel like this. Nobody should make anybody feel like this, ever.

Life is too bloody short to be feeling miserable about a situation you can actually change.

nowayhose · 07/02/2020 10:19

The bottom line is that YOU are not happy, and that is the reason you're ending the relationship.

It doesn't matter what he's done and what you've 'forgiven' him for in the past. This is not the past, this is the present, and YOU are not happy, therefore you are ending the relationship.

Go and pack a bag and move out, you can get the rest of your things later. Just keep saying ''I am not happy, so I am ending this relationship''. You don't need any other reason than that.

And who gives a flying fart WHAT he thinks about it ? That is NOT your concern. Your only concern is YOU, and how YOU feel.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/02/2020 10:20

Two months into the relationship, he said he wants to go to a brothel. I said it's not ok with me, I thought we are in a relationship. He said I was being controlling and he went

Sorry, that would have been the end of it for me. Why on earth did you stay with him? There is no point in this 'relationship' at all.

amillionwishes · 07/02/2020 10:28

Leave. You don't need to even reason it to him. Just say it's over, it's not what you want anymore and that's the end of it.

Then get yourself tested because it won't have been the last time he visited a Brothel.

No one deserves to be treated like this, he is abusing you and you don't have to put up with it.

Some good links above, not sure if anyone's already posted it but the freedom programme will help you

OvalCanvas · 07/02/2020 10:29

@meadowberge , you need to be single. Stay single until you're in a place where you value yourself and have an understanding of what healthy boundaries are.

Your 'partner' is an abusive man. Get as far away from him as possible.

SwishSwishSheesh · 07/02/2020 10:33

This is not a relationship, this is bullshit. No person who loves you will treat you like this. Get out before it's too late and give yourself a chance to be loved. This dynamic is clearly not for you (it shouldn't be for anyone). You don't owe him anything.

Shoxfordian · 07/02/2020 10:34

I would have dumped a man for even considering going to a brothel after dating me.

Please leave him, you deserve so much better

puds11 · 07/02/2020 10:39

I can’t believe you need actual advice on this. Surely you know he’s an arsehole. Leave him, work on yourself.

XPQF · 07/02/2020 10:41

Oh wow. What a horrible and abusive excuse of a man.

All men do not do this.

Why did you stay after the visit to the prostitute? Surly you know that isn't normal ?

Please get rid of this man. You DESERVE more than to be treated like shit.

pointythings · 07/02/2020 10:41

You can leave him because you are unhappy. Nothing more is needed.

And you should leave, because he is an abuser. Leave him, be single, work on your boundaries and your self esteem before you start another relationship. You deserve better than this piece of shit and you need to work on learning to believe that.

SouthernComforts · 07/02/2020 10:52

Why did you ever speak to him again after the brothel? Really struggling to believe anyone would just shrug that off and carry on.

Everydayishistorytomorrow · 07/02/2020 10:57

So you saw a giant red flag 2 months into a relationship and decided yes, this is for me, a man who wants to visit a prostitute? The fast forward 4 years and 10 ish months and now you're reflecting...... I'm so confused by this; I can't be the only one. Why are you with him.... have you asked yourself what the benefits are?

hellsbellsmelons · 07/02/2020 11:03

Jeez OP.
Want better for yourself.
This guy a fucking sleazy fuckwit and an abuser.
He hates women.
You carried on after the brothel incident and that has given him free reign to walk all over you and treat you appallingly!
Do NOT ever bring children into this situation.
He would be a horrendous male role model for any DC.

Make your exit plan and run far and fast.
Contact Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme as a matter of urgency.
The fact you even have to ask is extremely worrying.
You need to do some serious work on your self-esteem.

hottielottie · 07/02/2020 11:47

Jeez OP .... I suggest you find yourself some self respect and dump this fucking arsewipe.

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