I am a pathological liar and I need help. I've already fucked up so much

[failedatlife]

I lie about big things, small pointless things.
I can't stop

One lie has been found out and now I have no friends, DH is in the spare room probably wondering what the fuck he married.

I had a dissociative episode today and ended up In a hotel looking at all my tablets but I didn't take any, I've been hearing voices and I had a visual hallucination this morning. I ended up in A&E but they won't section me.

I can't stop crying, because I've fucked up so much and so badly. I don't know why I do it. I do have ptsd from a rape that happened when I was a teenager.

I don't think I can come back from this. I am the woman who lied so much that she fucked up her life.

I'll have no friends, no husband, and nowhere to live by the end of the week. And I don't blame them

I am so sorry for you. I lied in my younger years, so i really feel for you.
What is the Lie that your husband react to?does he know ?

And do you get help with your mental health?

i'm really sorry to read your post. I don't have any hugely useful advice i'm afraid but wanted to offer a friendly voice. you mentioned you don't know why you lie so often - is this something you've had any counselling for at any point? if not, then i'd suggest asking your gp to refer you for this asap, or self refer. it'd be invaluable to gain a better understanding of why you lie - there's a huge range of reasons, and establishing what yours are is surely the first step to breaking the habit. sorry if you've already had counselling and i'm just stating the obvious here. hope you feel a little brighter in the morning. take care and please try not to be too hard on yourself.

Telling lies doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you've failed at life. You sound like you want to change. That's the first step. I'm really sorry to read your post. No fuck up is eternal. Tomorrow is another day to try and get things right.

Did you post about this previously?

Hotlava - does it matter? She is posting now..

It's not a criticism just trying to contextualize.

Sorry OP please don't be too hard on yourself. People make mistakes. Its human.

Are you the poster who said you fabricated an assault in your past and were agonising over how to tell your husband? It sounds like you told him and it didn’t go well? From what you’ve written here you need urgent help. Hospitals are very reluctant to section people but should have put you in touch with the crisis team. Can you get an emergency appointment with your GP in the morning and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist?

OP - you are NOT "the woman who lied so much that she fucked up her life". You have made mistakes most likely linked to appalling trauma. You will survive this. You are a survivor. There is more beauty and joy too had. Other people do not understand. YET.

I haven't seen any previous threads of yours so don't know your full story. Was going to nc for this but thought why bother there's nothing to be ashamed of.
I could've written your post a few years ago. Down to the hotel room staring at the tablets. At first I thought I'm just being a coward and want to take an easy way out instead of facing the hurt I caused. Then I realised the dissociative episodes, hallucinations, insomnia, manic behaviour might mean there's something not right and I should seek professional help.
I was then diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and while it took a while I'm now on the right combination of meds but what helped the most was my referral for counselling. Getting down to the route of why I did the things I did and why I told the lies I told.
I'm still ashamed and struggle to admit it was because of my mental illness. I still self sabotage and think I'm a bad person but those days now are few and far between.
I'm sorry that was long. I just want you to know that there's people and services available to you and although it's a long road getting the help you need will massively improve your life.

I'm sorry I completely forgot my point. Which was you've had a traumatic experience. If you haven't already please seek help. You need to discuss it with a professional. I know how hard it is but right now don't worry to much about your dh but focus on you and working through your issues

I don't think it's the poster who lied about the sexual assault as she said that she had stopped lying (although could be a lie lol).

Why do you lie?

I had an ex who was a pathological liar. If I asked him what he had for breakfast, he'd say toast when he had actually had cornflakes. I could never fathom why he told lies constantly, but obviously we ended up splitting up because when his lips were moving he was lying.

I think there's one of the personality disorders which has pathological lying as one of the diagnostic criteria. Let me see if I can find which one.

Antisocial personality disorder.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/

Have you ever been in trouble with the law OP?

I think it’s a way to hold onto self sometimes. I have a fear of rejection which is why I lie. If I tell lies and somebody doesn’t want to be my friend then it doesn’t matter. They’ve rejected a false person/somebody who doesn’t exist. If I open up and am truthful/honest and then get rejected (as I have by friends I trusted in the past) then that just kills me and wounds me too much. Nobody on earth really knows the real me because I keep it hidden with lies. If somebody asks me how I spent my day I’ll lie and say I went to Tesco even if I just went swimming. It’s just automatic response now. So I get it OP. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you vulnerable.

But poopbear I'm the opposite. If someone likes me for a lie, then it's not me that they like? Can you see that? I have to be real. I am pathologically honest. To a fault.

OP you are NOT WELL. You are experiencing poor mental health and you have had a shitty experience in your past that you have not got over. Stop being so hard on yourself and get help. Be seen to be getting help.

poopbear that is interesting. I hadn't thought of that! I used to lie a bit when I was a kid. I could hear this total bollocks falling out of my mouth and I became practised at it. My life was shit and I was barely coping. Your reasoning is exactly how I felt so thanks for that!

I stopped when I became friends with an older neighbour who was very honest and bared her soul on a daily basis (so the opposite of me) she was very well liked and I mirrored her for a while, (trying on her persona like a suit of clothes really) and people started to like me for me and I sort of took off from there and changed my ways in a space of a few months. I will only lie now to save hurt feelings in a 'does my bum look big in this' sort of way now.

People are only sectioned when they need urgent admission to prevent serious harm to themselves, or others, and do not consent to admission, or try to leave without medical agreement. If you needed urgent admission, and agreed to it, you would not be sectioned. MH services are incredibly stretched. While you clearly need some help and support, they must have felt you did not need admission in order to stay alive.
What support has been offered?

*I do have ptsd from a rape that happened when I was a teenager. ^

Do you have a formal diagnosis and have you been in treatment for PTSD? I'm not a mental health professional and no one should be remotely diagnosing symptoms, but - the lying COULD be related - some people feel the need to "create" a whole separate reality as a coping mechanism to separate from untreated trauma.

Please, see if you can get a referral to a therapist. Or a different therapist, if you're already seeing one and it's not helping.

Then don't say it fallenangel.

Offer advice or hide the thread.

Have you got the contact details for the MH crisis team in your area? Do you have a GP? Contact them and if needs be show them this thread post you typed. You clearly want help and support and it is available. You just need to keep fighting for it (unfortunately)

Please ask for help.

^ tell your DH how you are feeling & perhaps he can not only support you but help advocate for you for help

If you had a dissociative episode, do you have different "parts" (like DID)? Is it possible that when "you" lie, it's actually one of your younger/other identities and "you" (the person who's married to you knows and sees) don't remember saying that, because you were dissociated?

If that is the case, how aware and/or understanding is your partner of your mental health difficulties ?

And as PP have asked, are you getting treatment for your PTSD and dissociation?

Please try and have some self-compassion. Beating yourself up is not going to help you, and it's not going to help fix your relationship. Try and be kind and look up some grounding exercises to get you back in the present.

I'm not the poster who fabricated an assault. I actually was assaulted at 15 and recently reported it. The home mental health team are coming to see me today. I've got my mum coming up to. My husband will most likely not come home from work tonight and go straight to his parents as he's so hurt by my actions.

I know I need help and I know I need to change. I guess this is rock bottom