How do I get him to leave?

[Runbikeswim]

House in my name but we 'bought it together' 3 years ago although turned out as I was selling my house to buy something with him jointly that he had no deposit and couldn't get a mortgage because of credit card debt

So, house in my name, mortgage in my name. We have paid half each every month since buying it for 3 years. I put a 40% deposit down and I agreed verbally for him to buy into the remaining 60% half each as we went. If we split up I said I'd freeze his contribution till the house was sold when I want to sell it - it's mine and my kids house.

Annnyway. He drinks to much, is selfish and largely unsupportive, earns upward of 100k a year and I see none of it. All ploughing into himself, his debts, his kids who are non resident and god knows what else. Won't even buy bloody food half the time.

I want him to go I'm sick of it. He is a classic narc.

How do I get him to move out. He is refusing and wants his money. I feel really angry and a bit scared

I dont believe in ripping anyone off. I treat others as I would be treated. So if the roles were reversed what do you think would be a fair arrangement?

I was in a similar situation to you and had to give my ex thousands to get him out my house. I had taken his money and told him if the house increased in value he’d get his cut. It did so it effectively meant he’d stayed Scot free. And he took his furniture with him too. Difficult times but a great feeling once the house was mine and I’d got my keys back.

Defo look into legal aid.

One option you could do is take some equity out of the house ie remortgage, as it’s worth more now than it was before. If you earn enough and if you’re not tied in.

That would give you hard cash to give to him to get him out. He will need cash as his bad credit will cause problems for him when he tries to get a rental property himself. Which he needs or he won’t leave as he’ll have nowhere to go.

Or you could sell up and buy a smaller property?

I don’t know what else to suggest. You could give him money per month until you’d paid off the ‘debt’ you apparently owe him. But can you afford to do that? Would he even accept that?

Personally worse things than winding him up them getting him removed by the police. Pack his stuff and leave it in the garden. Lock the door and go to bed.

Call the police!
It will be unpleasant, but it means you can get him out of your house.
Leave keys in every lock (turned sideways) so he can't get back in. If he tries to, call the police again.
Get the locks changed ASAP.
Send him a message to say his stuff will be outside your house for collection tomorrow, otherwise you will dispose of it.
You need to be tough now.

Its not a matter of ripping anyone off! If I was a rational half decent human in your partners position I would say 'OK youve told me you don't want to be together anymore, this is your house so I will leave'.

A sane person doesn't just continue to stay in someone else's house. Yes he contributed to payments, but he did so without his name on anything and without marrying you and it didn't work out. Tough shit.

You could be nice and pay him some back (minus a token amount for rent and any unpaid half of bills) but worry about that when he is gone.

The dude isn't right in the head op and is becoming dangerous. Shift him out fast, whatever it takes.

If he's getting nasty, call the police.

12 weeks is too long, give him two. He's an adult and a high earner he can house himself very easily.

Do you think he would be vacillating if he owned the house?

In England I’d say you need advice from Shelter, as someone recommended earlier, RightsOfWomen and Women’s Aid . Hope you have equivalents where you are, or that they can help you anyway OP.

Nooooooooooo - don't give him a penny!!!! He would have had to pay rent living somewhere else and this will have been far less. You've already saved him money, don't give it to him completely!

Don't give him anything. If you gave him some when you sell the house, that means you have to stay in touch with him for years, doesn't it?

He hasn't been contributing appropriately to the rest of the household expenses anyway, especially considering what he earns.

He earns £100k, he can bloody well pay for a hotel if he needs to, fuck 12 weeks notice, are you crazy?

Get legal advice. Pay him nothing, offer him nothing until you've seen a solicitor.

Good luck 💐

So, I went out and sat in the car t phone a friend and after i phoned the police.

I got them to log the details and established he has no right on the house. They sent a car to check I was ok which was embarrassing I met them at my car.

I'm back home now he has gone to bed in a separate room. I feel like I want to honour giving him something back as he made the payments in good faith, but I'm not sure what yet. He is being so difficult. The police seemed to think it was verging on coercive control him demanding money to go!!

He is saying I am a nasty cruel person which feels terrible but I'm trying to ignore that as I'm sure I'm not that bad.

I might end up just changing the locks if he doesn't agree to go soon in a reasonable way. I bc won't give him 12 weeks though - you have all made m realise that is too long

Thanks for the support

Good for calling the police and a friend. 1 week notice is plenty. You'll have him gone soon and be able to live in your house peacefully again.

I hope you didn't say no if they offered to remove him! They've even told you that he has no right to be there now so stop even thinking about giving him notice!

Narcissistic shitheads all try to convince you that you are bad/stupid/oversensitive/crazy. It's their m.o. All part of the gaslighting.

I think you really have to change the locks op. He isn't going to leave otherwise. You have to stop thinking that if you try to be kind or compromise with him he will meet you half way. He won't. He will consider it weakness and go for your jugular. Just like any other predator would.

I suggest checking out videos on YouTube about narcissists, because you're dealing with someone along those lines. Melanie Tonia Evans does good videos.

He’s fucked with your head so much you think you actually owe him!
Don’t give him back his rent money! Why should he have the pleasure of living rent free in your home and be rewarded for emotionally abusing you? You owe him nothing! if anything he owes YOU for everything he’s put you through. Untwist your mind OP don’t let him fuck with you anymore.

That’s your children’s money.
He can afford his own home.

You owe him nothing.

I've been here, exactly where you are OP. You need to hold your nerve and stay firm. It's really really hard but you need to fake it til you make it. Don't let him think you've wavered only a little.

The step in calling the police was a huge one and you'll only get braver now. Small steps.

I was unlucky in that I was married, his name was on the mortgage, I'd put in all the deposit, similar to you and then, 2007 happened. The house dropped in value, no equity and the massive bell end thought he could claim back his half of the mortgage he'd paid whilst there.

My first response was 'get to fuck' and go see a solicitor, who will tell you the same in fancy language. He soon calmed himself when he realised there was no equity, he couldnt have half of my car (genuinely thought he was entitled) and when I started divorce proceedings started his abuse of my character etc and contacting my mother, who I've been NC for decade or so.

They don't entirely give up the abuse until you've got that decree absolute, but over time you get better at ignoring, or blocking them.

He has genuinely been paying rent. He even classified it as so. Morally, he's been an abusive arsehole so I wouldn't waste any head's pace worrying whether you owe him anything. Had he been a good partner and it was a good split then things might be different.

Keep going. You'll feel 100 times better when you get this colossal waste of space out of your home.

You are not a nasty cruel person. Every single poster on here will agree you aren't. So believe us instead! We aren't messing with your head or sponging off you!

NC for this. I was in a very similar situation and had a similar attitude to you. In hindsight I really wish I had gone to a solicitor rather than trying to sort things amicably. He pressured me to give me x amount of money. And I did because I was desperate for him to leave. I sorely regret it. Not only for losing so much money but also because I can now see that it was all part of the abuse that I had suffered for years. I was scared to say no. I know you are scared too but don't give him anything until you have had some proper professional advice. He will kick up a fuss or worse, but with the help of the police you can do this.

To give 'him' not me

When he says you're a 'nasty cruel person' is he sticking his bottom lip out like a 2-year old🙄

Of course he has to pay rent to live with you.
He's earning a small fortune, just have the police remove him. Don't give him money. Don't drag it out.
Get some peace for you and your kids.
Kick him out this weekend

Do not entertain this man.

Just because he said he would buy a house with you but wasn't able to, because he couldn't afford to, does NOT mean he can claim half your house.

He contributed NOTHING but RENT.

He is a chancer.
He is a bully.
He doesn't give a damn about you.

With the greatest of respect OP you need to give your head a good shake if you would seriously give a well paid man money from your children's mouths.

Because that is what you will be doing.

Get onto the police.

Get this nasty bullying prick out and move on.

Do NOT be bullied.

He's a chancer who thinks he can pull a fast one because he thinks you are dim.

Show him you are not.

💐

Thanks for your stories of similar happening to you and your messages of validation 🙂

I was with a new friend today's who happens to be a lawyer as is her husband and she has arranged for me to get some free advice ❤️❤️

I am so blown away by how lovely and supportive people are

If the house is in your name Then there’s not a right lot he can do about it. You do sound scared of him.

If he contribute to nothing but the mortgage payments then he would be in deficit to you because he would owe for half of the house hold bills energy, broadband, etc etc so the next months payment may or may not have covered the previous months bills?

I’d change the locks, pack him am overnight bag and tell him he can send for his things. If he starts getting heavy handed or becomes a gob shite then ring the police so then if he comes back for his things and it gets out of control there’s been a previous record been made. I’d make him aware too just to ensure he acts appropriately when he’s leaving YOUR home

Best of luck