How do I get him to leave?

[Runbikeswim]

House in my name but we 'bought it together' 3 years ago although turned out as I was selling my house to buy something with him jointly that he had no deposit and couldn't get a mortgage because of credit card debt

So, house in my name, mortgage in my name. We have paid half each every month since buying it for 3 years. I put a 40% deposit down and I agreed verbally for him to buy into the remaining 60% half each as we went. If we split up I said I'd freeze his contribution till the house was sold when I want to sell it - it's mine and my kids house.

Annnyway. He drinks to much, is selfish and largely unsupportive, earns upward of 100k a year and I see none of it. All ploughing into himself, his debts, his kids who are non resident and god knows what else. Won't even buy bloody food half the time.

I want him to go I'm sick of it. He is a classic narc.

How do I get him to move out. He is refusing and wants his money. I feel really angry and a bit scared

I would see a solicitor and they will tell you where you stand legally. You can get 30 mins free. I also wouldn't pay him a penny. He only paid rent. It would have cost him that much to rent somewhere and he didn't contribute towards the deposit nor do anything to help. He didn't invest anything nor take any risks so don't see why he should get a payout. You're not morally nor legally bound to give him anything.

So see a solicitor and then see who you need to contact to get him out.

Thanks all for the advice. I'm in a small place that is not England where we have our own laws (don't want to be too outing) but we do have CAB here.

I can be too nice and reasonable to my own detriment

I agree though in respect of a moral compass - I think I would be willing to give him his 'rent' back as it is still quite a lot but only if it's not going to bankrupt me - that seems a fair compromise.

He is due to go away for a few days on Sunday and I plan to write to him formally asking him to leave within 12 weeks.

Make an appointment and see your CABx first OP, before taking any action. You can also contact Shelter who can directly advise. Just ask for the number for the place you're in.

Good for you. Just follow the process. Ask him to leave formally, make a sensible financial offer if you think it's fair and involve police if he refuses to leave.

It might be uncomfortable but you will get there in the end.

Do you look back on any red flags that you may have missed?

I think you need to fork out for the legal advice myself, then you know exactly what you can and can't do and harder for him to try and bamboozle you then.

He would get super angry if I boxed his stuff up

So let him.

House is in your name. Mortgage is in your name.

Tell him you want him out. Give him an opportunity to pack up his stuff. If he doesn't, pack it up for him and call the police. You can sort out who is entitled to what later.

I plan to write to him formally asking him to leave within 12 weeks

OMG, why would you want to drag it out for so long?

Op please see a solicitor first for legal advice before you offer him 12 weeks notice and three years back rent. That is madness, why should he not have to pay for somewhere to live?

Ask him to put the kettle on and pack while it's boiling. Do not offer any cash back.
He is a twat in the most entitled degree.
I can send dh and several ds's round op. Should jolly him along with the packing...

I wouldn’t offer him anything personally. It’s your house in your name and he has contributed rent for the last 3 years. Get rid of him. Call the police if he turns up.

He wrote it as rent in his own bank statement.
Does he pay utilities?
Council tax?
Work out all the bills. His half.
The going rate for accommodation in your area and take half that as well.

Then hire a unit rent for a month get friends and move all his stuff there.
The first time he comes shouting at the door call the police.
You do know he is never going to go.

OP, you need to be strong.
This is your children's home.

The house is yours.
The house is YOURS.

He was paying you rent.
RENT.

DENY any other conversation.

You want him out.
Do not offer him ANY money.

The house is yours.

Contact police to have him removed.

Change the locks.

He is a bully and is chancing his arm.

Protect your home and your children.

The police will help you do this.

💐

this sounds complex, I think I would be humouring him for the time being whilst getting proper advice and making plans in the background
don't tip him off

if you offer him anything he will see that as an opening move in the negotiation and he will try and push/manoeuvre you into giving him more, so I think offer him nothing but you need a good case to backup that nothing also, are you at risk could he be violent?

12 weeks! Are you mad?

From what you have said about him labelling the payment to you as rent in his bank statements (if I’ve read it right) get copies of that if you can and kick him out, use police if needed, he can’t say he was or thought he was paying into mortgage if it says rent!

Given that you're not in England, you really need to get legal advice as to the relevant relationship property laws in the country you live in.

Twelve weeks notice? Gosh no! You don't give narcissistic assholes notice. That'll be twelve weeks of gaslighting, manipulation and nastiness you'll have to suffer op. Don't do that! You need to shift him asap. 1 week notice out if courtesy if you must. Even if he was a legal Tennant, one month is the usual notice period.

Why do I spend half my life reading on here that an unmarried woman with no name on house deeds or mortgage has no right to anything but now this man is supposedly going to get equity in a house and back pay?

OP you would be foolish to even give him a penny until you figure this out legally. He is not on the mortgage and contributed nothing to deposit. He is not married to you and he puts rent on his description of the money he pays each month.

The discussion around equity was what a loving partner does when the relationship is good. My DH before we were married said he’d transfer his savings into a joint account when we got married. If we’d broken up I wouldn’t be saying where my half of the savings I’d understand that was what would happen in our relationship not when said relationship was over.

you don't owe him anything!
of course he had to pay rent to live there - you giving it back means he's lived there for free...and only ever paid a bit towards his own share of bills.
That would be you taking the piss out of yourself.

He's been happy sponging off you for years, and complains when he's asked to contribute towards the 'family' he is meant to be a part of.
He doesn't even pay for the housekeeping, cooking, admin and mental load that keeps his cushy life ticking.

He could have had some claim if he'd bothered to hand over cash towards the deposit - and ringfenced it.
He didn't even do that.

Get rid of him - and no paying him back his rent!
Despite all his earnings - he's told you to your face that HE isn't sharing a single penny to make yours or your kids lives even a little easier.

No not 12weeks notice
Change all the locks the moment he goes away
rent a storage unit(pay 2months) and move every item of his stuff into it whilst he's away.
Text him not to step foot near your property again....or the police will arrest him.
Leave the key with the Storage facility giving them permission to let him have the key when he's back from his trip!
All sorted!!

Ha I wish I had the guts to just change the locks but I'm nowhere near that brave!!!!

I do need to gather strength and not engage too much or negotiate. I'm on my phone so can't see names but the person that said he would just treat any offer as a negotiating position and go into gaslighting mode made me laugh - do you know him?

He has started acting weird tonight around his phone. I shouldn't but I feel awful if he is lining someone else up - I know I shouldn't even care

Ok things have turned a bit nasty. He is drunk and saying he is not going anywhere until I come up with a solution he agrees with, and if I raise my voice (I wasn't really even doing that) we will 'fall out'

And so it begins. He will get nastier now he senses a change in you. No way is he going to leave. Hope you can summon up the strength to change the locks and involve the police... got a feeling this will be the only way.

If you feel at risk, call the police op and tell them he is threatening you and you are scared. Don't say anything about the mortgage, if he brings it up when they arrive: 'his name is not on it, this is my house'. They aren't going to look through his bank statements and even if they did, they can't say what the money he sent you as for. Get him out op, let him take you to court if he wants but get him out and away from you and your kids.

If you arent calling the police then change the locks next time he's out for a while. Staying with him any longer or giving him any form of written notice would be foolish and risky. Be brave, the results of letting him stay will be much scarier.