I want to go home

[Lostinthewild]

We were together 10 years... we have children together. Had t been the perfect relationship. A few bumps in the road. I’d always been 100% loyal and devoted to him and the kids. He wasn’t always.
Last year, after the worst time of my life(death of my wonderful dad, our son being very poorly in life support) I had a breakdown. I stopped recognising myself. I was depressed, riddled with grief and anxiety. I was miserable and desperately didn’t want to be. My OH wasn’t very supportive. Would just leave me in my own for hours in the bedroom while I sat and cried. I needed him. I needed him to just be there. I never felt as lonely as I was when I was sat in the same room as him.
I kissed someone. I hardly remember it. I barely remember anything of those few months beforehand. As soon as it happened I told him. He was devastated. I honestly thought he wouldn’t give a toss, given how distant he’d been from me.
I moved out. I had to. I wish I hadnt though. We’re all miserable. Me, him and our children. When they’re with me all they say is they want to go to daddy’s(that’s where we all lived).
I’ve said to him I want him back, but he’s ‘not there yet’. It’s been 9 months.
How can I fix this?? I so desperately want my family back together.
I’m on antidepressants now and feeling much better about myself.
He doesn’t realise that he was a big factor in my breakdown and that I really wasn’t thinking straight when I did what i did. It was awful of me and I wish I could take it back.
He was no saint a few times in our relationship. No cheating, but the intent was there on the odd occasion

I'm so sorry I would suggest couples therapy and work through it together there xxx

I’ve suggested that. He just sort of changes the subject. We’ve done it in the past though. I feel so sad

Maybe he doesn’t want to get back together with you? Maybe he’s happier on his own? Sadly this can’t be forced, no matter how much you crave it.

The batshit crazy girl in me just wants to move back in while he’s in work and say ‘tough, we’re here now! Let’s work on this!’

Why do you want back with him? Are you sure it's him you want back and not just the family home and life?

If that’s the case, surely he’d say that? I e asked him outright to just tell me if that is the case. But he says he doesn’t know and cant say that t. Which gives me a glimmer of hope... maybe false hope? I just don’t know

@Candyfloss99 all of it. Him, family life.

I feel safe with him. He is my home

Lovely, you were sat in your bedroom alone and having a mental breakdown
You were not safe
You were not comforted
This is not how he shows you love
He showed you disdain and thoughtlessness
He showed you no care or thought
He is not your safe place

Now

He's using it to beat you with
He still isn't showing you any of the above that you needed
There is no remorse for his massive part in this drama
It's all on you, so your new grief is for a relationship and a man
Who cares not one shit about you or the family unit

You are your own safe space and care package, stop looking to him
For what he can't and won't give you.
You are not weak or feeble ...you matter too
Get up off the floor and make a plan, one that doesn't rely on him
He doesn't deserve your time, that kiss was a consequence of a lot of
Trauma and pain. It was not the cause of this, it was and is a red herring x

@Guiltypleasures001 that made me cry.
Everything is so fogged in my mind. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t.
I joined a dating site, got lots of attention, but I don’t want anyone else. I just want him. And The thought of him with someone else makes me feel sick.

@Guiltypleasures001is right.
You need to let him go. He’s not the one for you.
Make your plans for you and your children. THAT’S your family. They’re your happy place. That doesn’t include him.

You don’t need to be dating anyone for a while. You need to build yourself up again. As cliched as that sounds, you need to work on you!

So you had a drunken snog (I'm assuming work Xmas party; it's where most of these things happen) and he's used that as an excuse to break up with you.

You said you want to go back. Are you on the deeds or tenancy?

He sounds like a cunt but if you're in unsafe housing with children then needs must.

I’m safe where I am. Nice rental house. It was t a drunken snog. Someone from work messaged me. I was sat in my car with a bottle of wine(I escaped the house whenever I could) and he found me

You really need to go and speak to your GP and get more support with your MH and dealing with the grief and upheaval.

You also need to get legal advice, having moved out of the home.

Agreed. Don't date anyone for a long time. Make a lovely home for your children, concentrate on hobbies and existing or new friends. You have a walking target on your back if you date now - you are someone who isn't emotionally available and feeling lonely and a little unstable. Online dating is bad enough without doing it from a strong state of mind.
Read lots of self-help books and rely on your real-life support. You'll get through this to a better place.

He’s not a ‘cunt’ as such. Very in attentive, not romantic or particularly thoughtful. He’s a wonderful dad now though.

The house is his. He built it

I'm so sorry Lost, I have a bad habit of cutting to the bottom line

Your like a pebble beach at the moment, every time the tide comes in
It's pushing more stones on top of you.

You can't be expected to deal with everything, grief has a cycle and sometimes it repeats these cycles, until the mind feels it's able to move on to the next bit.

You have no space mentally at the moment to deal with everything, but what you can do is admit to yourself that you are not coping.
There is no shame in this admission, what you can do however is gently take back control of little things within your remit.

This might even be 3 meals a day, or sitting quietly for 5 mins with a cuppa, somehow you can give your mind the space to start making plans.
Then lists, things you can do and things you can't control

Even the feeling of starting somewhere makes a hell of a difference, if you can interrupt the cycle of the mind storm your having, it lessons the panic and anxiety. Literally small steps, get a pad and pen, do some bullet points.x

Are you married?

No not married. Wedding was booked though

Just been on the phone to him then. He still doesn’t know what he wants. He won’t say he doesn’t want me. Why won’t he say that? He says if he loses me that’s the risk he’s got to take.
I’m not feeling very rational tonight.
I’m so tempted to just let myself in tomorrow and not leave. I know. I’m fucking insane

I’ve tried everything else. I just don’t know what to do. I just don’t want to be here if I’m not with him and our children. They want to go home. We all do

Don’t just let yourself into the house if you’re not on the mortgage or deeds. He’ll have to get you evicted/ physically remove you himself. Do you want your children to see that? The neighbours could see/hear and phone the police, then the social services would become involved because of the children and domestic incidents . You don’t want that.

You’re craving family life but recreate it in your new home with your DCs. They are your home not him.

If he was so great he’d have you back and the DCs in their home wouldnt he? I think he’s stringing you along. You only want to go back because its what you know - he didnt support you when you needed it before, or now so what does he have to offer?