I want to go home

[Lostinthewild]

We were together 10 years... we have children together. Had t been the perfect relationship. A few bumps in the road. I’d always been 100% loyal and devoted to him and the kids. He wasn’t always.
Last year, after the worst time of my life(death of my wonderful dad, our son being very poorly in life support) I had a breakdown. I stopped recognising myself. I was depressed, riddled with grief and anxiety. I was miserable and desperately didn’t want to be. My OH wasn’t very supportive. Would just leave me in my own for hours in the bedroom while I sat and cried. I needed him. I needed him to just be there. I never felt as lonely as I was when I was sat in the same room as him.
I kissed someone. I hardly remember it. I barely remember anything of those few months beforehand. As soon as it happened I told him. He was devastated. I honestly thought he wouldn’t give a toss, given how distant he’d been from me.
I moved out. I had to. I wish I hadnt though. We’re all miserable. Me, him and our children. When they’re with me all they say is they want to go to daddy’s(that’s where we all lived).
I’ve said to him I want him back, but he’s ‘not there yet’. It’s been 9 months.
How can I fix this?? I so desperately want my family back together.
I’m on antidepressants now and feeling much better about myself.
He doesn’t realise that he was a big factor in my breakdown and that I really wasn’t thinking straight when I did what i did. It was awful of me and I wish I could take it back.
He was no saint a few times in our relationship. No cheating, but the intent was there on the odd occasion

Are you sure that he hasn’t got someone else lined up.?Why does he need more time ?Hes prepared to lose you?Surely he can’t expect you to wait for ever.

I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. My life doesn’t make any sense now

No he hasn’t. He isnt expecting me to wait either. He’s said if I meet someone then so be it

I would go and see a solicitor, take steps to get the children back with you, get maintenance in place.

I don't think he's what you need atm.
Start looking out for yourself!

I am sorry for being harsh but it sounds like he wants to explore his options out there (if he isn't already) but he is unwilling to completely let you go yet. Maybe because he wants to wait till someone is lined up, maybe because he has someone lined up and wants to see how it pans out, maybe he just enjoys the power high of knowing he can snap his fingers whenever he wants and u will be there in a heartbeat, or he may genuinely confused. The thing is u will never know his true motivations

More importantly, regardless of what is going on in his head, u need to start moving on. Honestly, there is nothing more unattractive than begging someone to take u back. Stop asking is u can go back, stop asking what he wants. Just move on with your life, you have been in limbo for 9 months already. It's been too long. Devote the mental energy u are using on figure him out on building yourself up and finding yourself again. He doesn't sound like a good partner anyway, and even if he took u bacck now when u are still getting back on ur feet, u will just spiral again if he is unsupportive and indifferent to u.

Getting back with him will not bring sense back to your life, it will not fix the underlying issues that led to the snog in the first place.

Just do you, and if he comes around and u still want him then all is good. If not at least u will have already stated the journey of moving on x

@Azadewow he’s still pretty cut up over what happened and has said many times that he doesn’t think he’ll ever get over it. Bit dramatic, but hey!
What you’ve said makes so much sense. I’m going to the gym this morning for the first time in months. Let’s fucking do this! I don’t need him! I just want him.

The kids are with me more than half the time and he does pay maintenance regularly. He’s a fantastic dad

Imagine this.

You get back together. Things get tough. He abandons you again to deal with things on your own. You are miserable again and want to leave.

Are you going to put your kids through this again? You left for a reason. Trust that reason.

If he accepted any part in your relationship breakdown my reply would've been different btw

i think he's using his "hurt" as an excuse to keep you dangling.

i'm not saying a betrayal wouldn't have been hurtful (albeit a kiss isn't the worst thing you could have done), but 9 months to still be processing and not to have come to some sort of conclusion about what he wants?

that feels excessive. even if he felt he couldn't forget, if he loved you and wanted to get past this with you he'd have started trying by now.

as is often asked on here - ignoring his words, what are his actions telling you?

i think you need to accept you are unlikely to reconcile, and you should start the practicalities of moving on.

if this jolts him out of his navel-gazing, and makes him realise he doesn't want to lose you over this, then it's a bonus.

if it doesn't, then at least you'll be prepared and moving towards a healthier destination without him.

Just been on the phone to him then. He still doesn’t know what he wants.

He doesn't want you, but he gets a kick out of keeping you dangling on a long string.

has said many times that he doesn’t think he’ll ever get over it.

He is really enjoying messing you about, isn't he...

He won’t say he doesn’t want me. Why won’t he say that? He says if he loses me that’s the risk he’s got to take.

He doesn't care. He is telling you loud and clear that he doesn't care. Please don't be his Plan B.

I’m not feeling very rational tonight.

You clearly need counselling to cope right now.

I’m so tempted to just let myself in tomorrow and not leave.

No no no!! You know this is madness.

I know. I’m fucking insane

You are not, because you recognize how mad breaking into your former home would be.

@Lostinthewild

he’s still pretty cut up over what happened and has said many times that he doesn’t think he’ll ever get over it. Bit dramatic, but hey!

Well it's pretty obvious that you are the one who cheated if you say the above . Regardless of his lack of attention to you you are not allowing him to be upset about the cheating ( it was only a kiss) scenario . I would like to see a man coming on here and saying that statement at the top The fact that you say this says to me that are NOT ready to get back with him at all .

No he hasn’t. He isnt expecting me to wait either. He’s said if I meet someone then so be it

He’s showing you he doesn’t want to get back together.

You kissed someone else-he has been very hurt. I think it’s time to move on.

He's making sure he looks like the good guy. He won't tell you it's over, he's waiting for you to do it.
He behaved badly, then when you made a mistake he blamed everything on you. He's still doing it.

You're hoping to recreate the past when everything was golden. Two problems- it never was, and you can't go back.

Regardless of everything else, OP cheated and yes it was only a kiss but it's not something I could get over.

He’s a fantastic dad

A fantastic dad does everything to keep the family together for his children.

A fantastic dad works in partnership with the mother of his children to create a calm, peaceful and nurturing home.

A fantastic dad does all he can to comfort the mother of his children when she has been bereaved and has had a MH collapse - because a fantastic dad knows that his children need a functioning mother and committed partnership to create a happy home for their emotional growth.

Your x is enjoying punishing you with the stick (snog) that you handed him. He has been beating you throughout your marriage (tell us more about that) and withholding care and kindness when you most needed it. You would not have had the MH collapse if you were in a supportive RS. His silent contempt for you exposed you to this.

So this “fantastic dad” has robbed his children of a functioning mother and a stable home......and continues to inflict that injury again and again, day in day out.

Drop the rope now. Give your children a focused, stable loving Mum. They have been through enough and have been deeply emotionally injured. Tend to their needs and recovery now. Build a beautiful loving home and life with them. They deserve that and so do you.

So glad to hear that you are taking steps to focus on you and your needs. I hope I wasn't too harsh on you, but glad that what I wrote resonated with you.

To the people who say that a snog is cheating and u couldn't move past it: everyone has different boundaries and what they are willing to forgive and that's OK. While no one here, not even the OP is saying that what she did wasn't wrong, come on she was in a really bad place emotionally and mentally and that should count as a mitigating factor. But If a kiss is something you wouldn't forgive, which fair enough, you just say that and everyone moves on, instead of keeping the other person on a limbo..

Here we go again. Double standards because it's a woman posting.

Grief doesn't make you kiss another man.

MH doesn't cause you to kiss another man.

^^ is what would be said if a man kissed another woman and gave the above reasons/excuses.

A fantastic dad does everything to keep the family together for his children.

If a kiss is too much for him to forgive, that's his right.

If a man said the same, he'd called entitled and self absorbed, as well as minimising the kiss.

A fantastic dad does everything to keep the family together for his children.

Why should he stay with a cheater to keep the family together, in spite of how he feels?

Is he meant to STFU and get over it because it was just a kiss

They had a wedding planned. He needs to see if this is someone he still wants to marry...otherwise there's no point in her coming back.

I'm sure most of those posting would seriously consider marrying a man who did this.

He's unsure because you have kids together, otherwise he would have been firm and ended it .

Look at it from his POV... why marry a woman who has shown she could cheat, then divorce and have to split your assets...the house he built on his own, becomes half yours.

In his position, I would definitely think twice...and I bet ppl would advice their grown up son to do the same.

Stop it! You are currently living in a faory story of his making. He is the prince, abandoned by you, the wiicked, wicked woman!

Truth is he abandoned you when you needed himmost and he is REALLY punishing you for having had the strength to admit you made a mistake and then to compund that by moving out!

And keep reeading Guiltypleasures001 posts!
Wake up. Stay string. Live your life as it is, rather than the fairy tale you are weaving!

He doesn't have to get over the kiss.

He doesn't have the right to leave you in limbo and string you along.

Has he ever acknowledged how he ignored you and neglected you when you needed him the most?

At this point, I would consider him gone. Get some counseling and find out what legal rights you have if any. If it was his house, did you pay towards his mortgage?

He doesn't sound great at all. 10 years and 2 children and he couldn't be bothered to share a home with you or get married.

This is already over, he just hasn't said it yet. He doesn't care if you meet someone else, which says it all to me. He has detached. FWIW I would end my relationship over a kiss too because once the trust is gone, it is gone for me forever.

You cannot move back into the house. It isn't your house, you aren't married and haven't lived there for almost a year now. He could call the police to remove you and I imagine forcing your way into the house would be the death knell of ever getting back together.

He may well be dating already.

Being generous here, you have had mental health problems and a breakdown. On here you are clearly still very attached to him. Maybe he is too afraid to say that's it because he is worried about your reaction. You are already separated, you have lived apart for almost a year and have signed up to dating sites, as he may have also done. You don't need him to say it, it is already over and you need to accept that.

BarbedBloom, agree totally.

He may have appeared distant but he wasn't responsible for your breakdown nor your totally inappropriate behaviour. Painful as it is , you need to face reality and move on with your life. Good luck.

He sounds like a bit of a shit to be honest and it also sounds like he does not want you to come back. Why he is keeping you dangling is probably because he has not found someone else yet that he can be sure of. Whatever is going on for him, he does not seem to be in your corner so you had better be in your own. Start to move on OP and find yourself again, this will not stop you getting back with your ex but it will make your feel a hell of a lot better.

Wow. This is complicated and has a sniff of 'the script' about it.

It's entirely possible that from his point of view he couldnt sit with you while you cried for hours. Maybe he tried to hell but it was getting worse. You were sat in a car drinking a bottle of wine (where and how were you planning on getting home) and a colleague found you. Just a colleague. Not someone you were particularly close to? Not someone you had spent a lot of time with? Came out and happened to find you?

You are saying there was no lead up to this with the colleague, you didnt tell him where you were but he managed to find you, there was no in appropriateness to this?

Who had the kids? Your dp? Because if dp went out in the car sat drinking and texting s colleague to meet him then kissed them, it would be done.

It's really difficult to see if he wasnt supportive or if he was out of his depth. How many time did you disappear to sit a drink? I cant help wonder if, from his point of view, it was a situation like is seen on mn alot from a woman's point of view. Their husbands clearly have depression or a mental helathy issue, but it rules the family, the husband, wont seek help and expect everyone to pander to them and when they dont get what they want they disappear off. Often these men also have a drink problem (no idea if you do OP, but sitting in a car drinking a bottle of wine suggests it). These women are told they arent professionals and if the their husbands wont get help theres nothing they can do. The fact that you say its 'dramatic' and want him to accept he is a large part of why you cheated, suggests to me that you dont really understand what cheating does.

It's been 9 months. You have decided you want your family back. Maybe he does too but isnt sure wether he cab get passed or not. Its entirely possible he doesnt know what he wants. But has decided to not make a move until he does. That's sensible. Many people decide to try again after cheating and then a year or 2, down the line, they realise they cant move passed it.

I dont think he is trying to appear like the good guy by not finishing it. No one would cast him as the bad guy if he finished a relationship over cheating. So he already has that option.

Maybe he is stringing you along. The truth is, non of us know. But I have to say theres enough if this thread to make me think that you are massively minimising eha8ts gone on, on your part and shifting much of the blame to him.

You need to start being responsible for yourself and your own life. Which right now is probably to decide to move on. If you cant wait or if you think he is punishing you, move on.

Forget about him and move on, focus on yourself and making you happy, see friends, build up your relationship with your kids, distract yourself with friends, hobbies and tv programmes he wouldn't have liked. To me it sounds like you've had a lucky escape

Depression is shit, but also living with someone with depression is shit.

You have both been through so much, in different ways.

Give him time. He is trying to work out if he can let you back in, and open himself again. I don’t think he’s trying to hurt you, or string you along, but maybe he feels scared that he will make things worse for the kids if he makes the wrong choice.

The depression is not your fault, but it’s not his fault either. Watching your partner going through depression is scary, confusing, and miserable. It changes everything. The kiss would have felt like a massive slap in the face. You need to see this from his point of view. He had no control over it, just as you didn’t.

Back off, and realise that he has a difficult choice to make.