Mum has just ended contact with me!

[Jan2508]

Hi

I have posted about my DM recently and about her narc tendancies. The post detailed how she had fallen out with me over something stupid and I went on to tell you about our relationship.

This is my post from 24/01
Need advice
I have posted about my Mother before but here is a quick recap
She is elderly, only got me, quite selfish and controlling. I am 45 with a hubby and young daughter.
Mother is always ill with general, not concerning things. This is on a weekly basis and she does tend to thrive from the attention. This week it is a pain in her back. The GP is not concerned and has given a pain relief gel. I went on Saturday to rub her back and collect a prescription. I went on Sunday but she didn't need me to rub her as it was better. I called on Tuesday asking if she needed anything and she didn't. On Wednesday she went to the GP for the gel. I sent a text on Thursday to day I would go to her house to rub her back. I accidentally left phone at home when I went to work today so didn't know if she had messaged me to say she was fine. I must admit I did forget (not had a very good week at work and it did slip my mind).
She messaged me at 6.30pm asking if I was coming. I thought, oh boy, I am in trouble. I got my coat on and said "yes" but she replied to leave it as she was going to put the gel on herself and go to bed. It was agreed I would go tomorrow and call at the chemist for her too.
I have just received a really upsetting message from her that reads ",you know what, don't bother. I have managed this far and will continue. Before you ask, I am not angry, just disappointed in you but I haven't fallen out with you"
My message basically said that I was sorry she felt this way and that I did just genuinely forget. She replied saying she will not ask me to do things for her. I should know she is not well and that she has been unwell too often. I tried asking exactly what had upset her, was it just that I forgot today but she just replied that she wasn't getting into it. I said "I know you are fed up with your back do will take it on the chin". She replied "that's not what I am fed up about"
So what did I do, after years of this kind of behavior and controlling, I told her that I am not a mind reader, that I don't live with her to know how she is and that she needs to communicate with me and accept the offers of help I give (these offers are almost daily but she rarely accepts)
I told her that I was sorry she was disappointed but that I was not 18 years old anymore and that she needed to stop playing the martyr. I also put that "you were not wondering if anything was wrong with me when I didn't come tonight to rub your back, did you!". I told her that her comments were very hurtful and that I am trying to do my best.
I am now sat, sobbing like a baby and I wish that was this was the only time I have felt hurt, wronged and victimised by my own Mother but not so.
Have I just made things so much worse.
By the way, she is 76 and very mobile.

WELL something has just happened and I don't know what to do...

I have messaged her over the week just saying "hope your ok". She sent a long message back saying she was very depressed and her back hurt. I am trying to set boundaries and one of them was not to get so involved in her emotional baggage and her constant illness as I feel she uses this to manipulate me. I replied "I am sorry to here this. Chin up Mum". I messaged her in Monday to see if she was free Saturday for a visit for me and my DD. No reply. Then I worry so I text again and she replied a rambling text telling me to "stop acting like I care".
So I bit the bullet and called her just now. Oh dear, what a mistake.
The points were as follows
I don't care about her
She needed to talk to someone and I just put "chin up"
I don't visit her enough. The she said that my DH visits his DF more.
She should not need to ask me to help or take her anywhere (to clarify I am constantly asking if she needs anything, to take her shopping etc etc but she always refuses then tells me afterwards that she struggled ie. Guilt tripping)
She was upset when she asked why she was not invited to our summer 2 week abroad holiday and I said because I wanted to spend it with my DH and DD. She went off alarming when I stood my this and said very hurtful things. I quote "oh that's right, my family, you want to spend time with your family. Well what about me, I am your family". She then slagged my husband off and I can't write it I am so upset.
She continued...
I never bring my DD down to see her (we use to go every week but she cancels so many as she is unwell. I don't push it to be honest because I can't deal with her narc tendancies so yes, I am happy not to go. MF is quite capable of coming to my house she just doesn't.
She then said that my DD, who is 9, only comes to use the computer and not to see her.
She said my brother calls her every day. When I explained that he lives miles away she said "I will not tell him you said that as he will be very annoyed insinuating that he move away from me purposely".
She started to sound jealous that I had a DH to take you.
Now I started sobbing like a baby in the middle and she said that I was putting it on, crying over nothing. Then it all came out of me, all the hurt, anguish but I never got angry. I remained assertive but polite. I am proud of myself.
She said I treat my Dad badly (he wouldn't agree) and that I just want to get rid of my family.
In between all this, she had moments saying she was sorry, that it was her. I told her I would never do anything intentionally to hurt her but I must have my own life also.
In the end, she said she was hurt and that we were not getting on so she would say hello to me if she saw me, but that's it. She doesn't want contact. In the end, I just agreed as I could not continue (she had hung up.on me 4 times). She told me to ask my FIL to look after my DD if I needed a favour in future. I asked her not to take it out on her and said I would never stop her seeing my DD. I said she wanted to come this weekend but DM said "no, not at the moment. She said she would not be telling my brother about all this as he would be furious. The funny thing is at the end of the call she asked where DD was. I advised that she was at the after school club and I was going now to get her. Her reply "why have you left her there until this time". "Why is that any of your business" was my reply.

Sorry it's so long. Please help me put my mind straight and stop this sobbing xxxx

I know it's hard but you need to step right back.
You'll never get the mum you are aching for, this one will never magically turn into the mum you have always wanted and needed.

You need to protect yourself and your child - who will get the same treatment you get, I promise you!

I would let her crack on with her 'no contact'.

She doesn't want to be no contact. She is punishing you. You are supposed to grovel until she graciously forgives your heinous crime.

At the moment you are like a puppy with an abusive owner. They kick you and you go towards them wagging your tail and desperate for their love. And 1 time out of 10 you get a stroke but the other 9 times you get a boot in the ribs.

I know this is more likely than not to be the case because I've lived it. I was desperate for my mum's approval for years and terrified of her.

It took the loss of 3 relatives I loved dearly and a vicious remark about my children for me to finally stop being scared and stop craving her approval

She is 76. It reads to me as though you are both as bad as each other.

TheNewSchmoo please explain your comment.

Vetti is spot on.

You can't fix this - your mum won't meet you in the middle.

I watched a similar relationship between my mum and my grandmother- my mum could never do enough. It was an endless cycle of punishments, grovelling, forgiveness, short periods of calm and then repeat.

Take a big step back, stop contacting her for now, have a think about how you can live alongside each other without you getting so hurt (you seem very involved in all aspects of each other's lives). Have a look at the Stately homes threads.

And if she ever hangs up on you again switch the phone off, don't call her back to continue the argument - no good comes from it.

Thank you Notonthestairs but what if Thenewschmoo is right. What if I .just as bad. I don't understand my feelings towards her I just know I feel them and they are not right or comfortable to live with.
My DM is lonely but I am not to blame for this. I am to blame for the fact that I allowed her into every aspect of my life. I was scared not too.

I am so, so hurt and typing through tears is difficult.

You probably want your mums love OP, that’s all 💐. Sounds like she’s withdrawing it as a kind of punishment when things don’t go her way. An unpleasant little game, but don’t let her patterns dictate yours! You are so absolutely loveable I’m sure. So don’t let her shenanigans make you feel otherwise. My only advice is next time she “rejects” you, take her at her word and have lots if mum-free time.

Sorry just re-read your post and seen she’s doing the silent treatment now! Give her what she wants and ignore her, though say hello if you pass her on the street. She’ll soon come crawling back don’t worry. But don’t get sucked into her games again!

the “hello on the street” was just accepting her terms of course, meant to be humorous

I think as a starting point you have to recognise that you can be a kind, dutiful, thoughtful daughter AND still have adult boundaries in your relationship (which will benefit you both really but I doubt she'd see it that way)

You've drawn a boundary (you don't want to be as drawn in to her daily ups and downs) and it's made her upset. That doesn't mean you are in the wrong. But you can also let her feel angry without trying to fix it. Your mum is an adult - her days of punishing you for 'misbehaviours' are over. Easier said than done I know.

She sounds awful. Why do you let her talk to you like that? Put the phone down, don’t call her back. “That’s enough now” and put the phone down. You are not her whipping girl.

Man OP, you need to come out of the FOG thing. Trust me it feels good.

Assertive, boundaries and low contact. When my mother starts her pity me shit now I don't engage with her at all. She gets my attention when she behaves herself.

Give her what she wants and soon you'll get flying monkeys and some sort of medical emergency that will miraculously right itself. Be ready for it. You no longer will get into a back and forth argument. Ignore the bad behaviour and acknowledge the good if you want. Like a little kid.

I totally could have written your post a few years ago.

I stood up for myself and explained in detail what she was doing was harming our relationship. I got 13 texts back doing totally the opposite of what I'd asked and telling me what a bad person I was. I ignored them all.

I came home to a rubbish bag of stuff for my kids dumped on my doorstep with no explanation. Ignored this too.

We are a few years on now. I'm not nc. I answer any messages she sends but I'm not drawn into any drama so there isn't many messages and they are easy to deal with.

But my life is so much better. This isn't normal behaviour but when you are in the middle of it you can't see it. My biggest turning point was looking at the relationship I have with my DC. Would I treat them like this? That was quite mind blowing because you start to realise that this isn't your fault. When I'm sure you have been told it is.

There has been some really good posts on this thread. Look up Fog and the grey rock technique.

The best thing that could happen for you is reduced contact! Time to regroup and strategise how you will manage this going forward. I had a relationship with someone that would do the emotional guilt tripping phone call. From my experience the best thing you can do is indicate that if the conversation continues on these lines, you don't find it helpful and you will have to go. Then put the phone down. Learn to feel no guilt. If there is a rant on the end of the line..,put the phone down. If there is a moaning session or rant in person...walk out the door. And breathe. You've got general boundary issues and she knows how to make you feel bad, as a pp said - would you treat your children that way? No? Then step back, ignore, deflect and don't feel bad about it.

Ignore thenewschmoo. Get yourself on the Stately Homes thread. I don't know why you let your daughter anywhere near her.

"Chin up" is the shittest most dismissive reply to someone we love who is reaching out for empathy. I guess being raised by your mother will have impacted on how you relate to people in distress and you both probably need some help to unpick and manage this is more healthy ways.

Stately homes for you OP.

Less mum in your life is a good thing. Don't take the comments of people who have nice parents who are a positive influence in their lives too much to heart. Your mum is a horrible attention seeker who berates and punishes you. It's different.

"Chin up" is appropriate in this situation. And you cannot win, whatever you do and say, it won't be enough.

I'm sorry she makes you so unhappy.

Chin up" is appropriate in this situation. And you cannot win, whatever you do and say, it won't be enough

Bloody right it was!

You need therapy. Your mum sounds awful but it seems like you continue going back even though you know she’ll hurt you.

I think the problem is your mum. Not you. Her behaviour is manipulative and she is always begging for attention and obviously wont find out the root cause of that, preferring to keep you dangling on a string and using expensive medical services.

She's the one, not you.

But people like her dont like to hear this.
She wont like it.
She will try and turn it round on you.
You are used to running to her, as it temporarily alleviates the pain, but her neediness is never fulfilled and so it goes on and on.

I'd agree that the best thing to do is accept that she is the problem and it may not ever change and then reduce contact and get support for the damage and dynamic it has set up in you.

But above all....it IS her, it's not you xxxx

You won’t be like this to your own children. That much is pretty much guaranteed. If you break this cycle, you’ve already won.

I’d phone & tell your brother!
Sounds as though she’s using him as some sort of threat.

OP - In your first C&P post, you say She is elderly, only got me then you go on to say she will tell 'your dad, and your brother'. Why are you taking on all the responsibility for her happiness? She can put her own gel on - then why are you phoning and putting yourself in the firing line quite so often? Why ask her whether she needs help with shopping - she only uses it as a stick to beat you with!

I am NC with my Sister and father, and I only have my mum, who I am LC with. So I know what the guilt trips are like!

Step back - you have your own family, just as your Dm did when she was first marries/with young kids. Maintain boundaries and stop letting her get to you! you know you will never be right, never be enough, never do enough, never appease....

When you realise that you will never please or appease her, you will find peace. It means that whatever you do, will never be enough, so you don't bother. It's freeing!

She sounds selfish and seems to think you are only there to run around after her.
I agree it's time to step back for a while.

I agree, you need to take yourself away from this

What’s the longest you’ve ever been without talking to her,