Mum has just ended contact with me!

[Jan2508]

Hi

I have posted about my DM recently and about her narc tendancies. The post detailed how she had fallen out with me over something stupid and I went on to tell you about our relationship.

This is my post from 24/01
Need advice
I have posted about my Mother before but here is a quick recap
She is elderly, only got me, quite selfish and controlling. I am 45 with a hubby and young daughter.
Mother is always ill with general, not concerning things. This is on a weekly basis and she does tend to thrive from the attention. This week it is a pain in her back. The GP is not concerned and has given a pain relief gel. I went on Saturday to rub her back and collect a prescription. I went on Sunday but she didn't need me to rub her as it was better. I called on Tuesday asking if she needed anything and she didn't. On Wednesday she went to the GP for the gel. I sent a text on Thursday to day I would go to her house to rub her back. I accidentally left phone at home when I went to work today so didn't know if she had messaged me to say she was fine. I must admit I did forget (not had a very good week at work and it did slip my mind).
She messaged me at 6.30pm asking if I was coming. I thought, oh boy, I am in trouble. I got my coat on and said "yes" but she replied to leave it as she was going to put the gel on herself and go to bed. It was agreed I would go tomorrow and call at the chemist for her too.
I have just received a really upsetting message from her that reads ",you know what, don't bother. I have managed this far and will continue. Before you ask, I am not angry, just disappointed in you but I haven't fallen out with you"
My message basically said that I was sorry she felt this way and that I did just genuinely forget. She replied saying she will not ask me to do things for her. I should know she is not well and that she has been unwell too often. I tried asking exactly what had upset her, was it just that I forgot today but she just replied that she wasn't getting into it. I said "I know you are fed up with your back do will take it on the chin". She replied "that's not what I am fed up about"
So what did I do, after years of this kind of behavior and controlling, I told her that I am not a mind reader, that I don't live with her to know how she is and that she needs to communicate with me and accept the offers of help I give (these offers are almost daily but she rarely accepts)
I told her that I was sorry she was disappointed but that I was not 18 years old anymore and that she needed to stop playing the martyr. I also put that "you were not wondering if anything was wrong with me when I didn't come tonight to rub your back, did you!". I told her that her comments were very hurtful and that I am trying to do my best.
I am now sat, sobbing like a baby and I wish that was this was the only time I have felt hurt, wronged and victimised by my own Mother but not so.
Have I just made things so much worse.
By the way, she is 76 and very mobile.

WELL something has just happened and I don't know what to do...

I have messaged her over the week just saying "hope your ok". She sent a long message back saying she was very depressed and her back hurt. I am trying to set boundaries and one of them was not to get so involved in her emotional baggage and her constant illness as I feel she uses this to manipulate me. I replied "I am sorry to here this. Chin up Mum". I messaged her in Monday to see if she was free Saturday for a visit for me and my DD. No reply. Then I worry so I text again and she replied a rambling text telling me to "stop acting like I care".
So I bit the bullet and called her just now. Oh dear, what a mistake.
The points were as follows
I don't care about her
She needed to talk to someone and I just put "chin up"
I don't visit her enough. The she said that my DH visits his DF more.
She should not need to ask me to help or take her anywhere (to clarify I am constantly asking if she needs anything, to take her shopping etc etc but she always refuses then tells me afterwards that she struggled ie. Guilt tripping)
She was upset when she asked why she was not invited to our summer 2 week abroad holiday and I said because I wanted to spend it with my DH and DD. She went off alarming when I stood my this and said very hurtful things. I quote "oh that's right, my family, you want to spend time with your family. Well what about me, I am your family". She then slagged my husband off and I can't write it I am so upset.
She continued...
I never bring my DD down to see her (we use to go every week but she cancels so many as she is unwell. I don't push it to be honest because I can't deal with her narc tendancies so yes, I am happy not to go. MF is quite capable of coming to my house she just doesn't.
She then said that my DD, who is 9, only comes to use the computer and not to see her.
She said my brother calls her every day. When I explained that he lives miles away she said "I will not tell him you said that as he will be very annoyed insinuating that he move away from me purposely".
She started to sound jealous that I had a DH to take you.
Now I started sobbing like a baby in the middle and she said that I was putting it on, crying over nothing. Then it all came out of me, all the hurt, anguish but I never got angry. I remained assertive but polite. I am proud of myself.
She said I treat my Dad badly (he wouldn't agree) and that I just want to get rid of my family.
In between all this, she had moments saying she was sorry, that it was her. I told her I would never do anything intentionally to hurt her but I must have my own life also.
In the end, she said she was hurt and that we were not getting on so she would say hello to me if she saw me, but that's it. She doesn't want contact. In the end, I just agreed as I could not continue (she had hung up.on me 4 times). She told me to ask my FIL to look after my DD if I needed a favour in future. I asked her not to take it out on her and said I would never stop her seeing my DD. I said she wanted to come this weekend but DM said "no, not at the moment. She said she would not be telling my brother about all this as he would be furious. The funny thing is at the end of the call she asked where DD was. I advised that she was at the after school club and I was going now to get her. Her reply "why have you left her there until this time". "Why is that any of your business" was my reply.

Sorry it's so long. Please help me put my mind straight and stop this sobbing xxxx

I think you both need some space to reevaluate your relationship and expectations?
We can’t fix other people’s problems for them , help, guide but ultimately it’s up to them
I think you would really benefit from some time apart & therapy to help make sense of your feelings. It’s easy for past familial relationships to seep and spoil Into the next generations. Just be careful that your daughters self esteem & views about families is not damaged because of an unhealthy grandma/ mother/daughter dynamics

This sounds miserable, like your walking on eggshells, worrying about her happiness first. The fact your constantly willing to go around and help her tells me your a good person. She sounds very much of the “don’t worry about me I’ll be alright” guilt tripping.
You have a husband and daughter and they, and you, have to be top priority, does your husbands dad demand this much attention too. Try very hard to go no contact for at least a week to start with, and maybe get some counselling to help build your boundaries of acceptable behaviour. Be kinder to yourself.

Put up the bunting and crack open the bubbly - then crack in with your life.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it.

I have put up with years of this behaviour so I feel justified in backing off and saying "chin up". At some point I know I have to break the cycle.
I have always been there, maybe not to her exacting standards, but I have always been the shoulder bo cry on, her GP, friend, helper, carer, the one making her decisions. The list is endless. I have also leaned on her as my DM don't get me wrong. She often uses these times as a manipulation tool.
I have been told not to ask her to babysit to have a "good" time, that I am selfish for not taking her away with us, that my MIL was cherry picking when she offered to have my DD so DM could have a day off. The list goes on and on.
My DM and DD divorced 10 years ago. My DMs decision. My DD doesn't really like her and finds her controlling and selfish. My DB lived with her for years then met a lady and moved and married her within 6 months.

My DB has an on relationship with her but I do think he left as he was fedup with her. He goes through the motions. I am not so close with him, he is a lot older than me.

I get scared that she will get I'll or die and I will not be in contact with her. I am frightened that I will be held responsible.

Just to answer your questions...

I have only not spoken to her twice, both because she fell out with me and both for about 2 weeks.

I would like counselling but just could not afford it at the moment.

My husbands DF is lovely and I get on with him. He loves his GD to bits and really respects us. Unfortunately, my MIL passed away 8 years ago but she was lovely too and I do miss her.

I was actually glad when DM said she didn't want to be in contact with me. I was quietly happy. I am just worried that I will get the wrath of my DB and things will get worse as U am not conforming. Remember, I have confirmed since I was young. I know nothing else. It's frightening.

Just don’t contact her for a month and then take it from there

You cannot control your mums health , that’s her responsibility . So why are you blaming yourself it sounds like you’ve been conditioned that way
There is nhs counselling and reduced rates sessions based on need, you need to look after your own mental health first
Your mum is more capable than she lets on
There are agency’s that can help her if she says no that’s her responsibly not yours
You really need to talk to your husband and get off this merry go round

Not conforming is frightening yes. I get that.

I get scared that she will get I'll or die and I will not be in contact with her. I am frightened that I will be held responsible. - by whom will you be held responsible? Are you scared that the Police will arrest you for not being the dutiful daughter?

Your brother? Maybe he'll tell people that you weren't there for 'D'M? Who will he tell - and why would you care what these people think of you?

Put a name to it - WHO? Who will hold you responsible? And WHAT will they do? And WHY? And WHY would you care? Face it.

You are not responsible for your mother - she is/was/should have been responsible for you, but seems to have side-stepped her responsibilities to YOU as her daughter, by insisting that YOU take care of her. Shouldn't it be (if not the other way round) mutual? And if it's mutual, why the guilt?

She sounds like my aunt. She demanded so much of my time I just didn't have.
I backed away and we stopped contact. I hadn't seen dor for years when she died. I had no regrets on how I had managed her behaviour. Yanbu to leave her to it. Just because she gave birth to you does not give her the right to treat you this way.

I think it is made all the more difficult because I have little self esteem or self confidence. Again, maybe this is due to her.

When ever I go on holiday she tells me that she gets depressed and says it's because she misses us. Last summer it was worse. She told me that she had been at home and suddenly got an odd feeling, like her life was about to end.
She doesn't seem to understand why this might upset me. She has told me before that if she got very ill, she would take a load of morphine tablets she has in a cupboard. When we were just arguing and she said she needed me to listen, she said "I could have slit my own throat and you wouldn't care"
Gosh, it reads bad doesn't it xx

Yep, it reads bad. I’d be backing off bigtime.

Re. guilt, maybe it’s not guilt, but that you are frightened of her reaction to standing up for yourself?

It’s your choice but why don’t you tell her to do one, and stop with the manipulation? If you can’t manage that you could start to distance yourself. When drama llamas go NC, take it as a great opportunity to take them at their word. If you do re-engage later remember it’s on your terms too. But she sounds pretty spiteful all around

Just ignore her for a month.

Oh dear OP.

Your mum is a narc. Middle ranger. For some reason, two weeks on an Absent Silent Trwatment is all they can manage. Pathetic. There is an in joke on narcsite.com where we wonder who is going to push the mudfle ranger off the balcony.

That's a joke!

Muddle rangers are physical and moral cowards. I see that shes used the suicide manipulation against you. Fucking typical.

Pity plays are well in force. Plus the usual familial, 'You dont love me, you hate me, you never help' when you've been running yourself ragged helping her.

Yours is the second thread today on having a mum narc that I've commented on. I'm seeing more and more daughters call out their mums. That is good. It needs to be done.

Stay strong, OP. I know this is hard. You've done everything right and nothing wrong.

This woman has abused you all of her life. She will continue to abuse you. She doesnt know any different.

Incidentally, a PP said, ' you are both as bad as each other'. You questioned it. Rightly. So heres a tip. When you see responses like that on here, it's because a narc has come on and is instinctively taken your OP as challenge fuel. Theyve taken it personally and are lashing out to gain fuel from you to ease the wounding. Does this make sense?

Genuinely hope this helps.

Thank you 3975Renarde. Your post has helped more that you will know. ❤️

Oh that's brilliant! So pleased! 💛🎩🦊

Just leave her to it, what a ridiculous way to behave towards your daughter, I hope I never get like that.

Yeah, well said 75Renarde, I mean it. OP, my mum was a narc and cut me off many years ago. I had psychotherapy later and was able to separate what she actually was and what I should have had from her. Two entirely different things. She's dead now and I am so glad I never had contact again, it saved me and my sanity. You'll get there, but it does take time. Best of luck.

Please check out the Stately Homes thread here on Relationships if you can't afford therapy.

Your mother sounds very manipulative and narcissistic. You say your feelings arent right and hard to bear. I agree with the second point but not the first; your feelings are completely appropriate and understandable given the way she treats you.

I'm sorry for what you're going through but you deserve better, and the fact you felt relieved when she wanted No contact is your gut trying to tell you that distance from her IS a good thing.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. She may be 76, but this is emotional abuse. It’s not ok. If you were a child and she was behaving like this, the situation would be viewed very seriously. Get yourself some outside support (counselling) to build your strength up.

Just to add, I'm 44 and my mum is 75. A narc. Of lower cognitive function and intelligence.

In the trade she is a Upper Lesser, possibly Victim cadre. My father is an Upper Middle, Cerebral.

I married an aware Narc, a Greater, who is Elite. We have two children. Hes been attempting to destroy me since I left nearly 5 years ago. I've been living in pain all of my adult life. Its driven me to suicide.

What I can promise you is that nothing can take the pain away from having a narc parent. Nothing. But not being in contact COMPLETELY removes the possibility of them ever hurting you again. That's the BIG MUTHAFUCKIN plus.

With time and distance you will recover. You'll never be that person again. Instead you will be a better one. But you have to let the old you go. And that is very hard. Not impossible though.

Thanks @PurpleTrilby x

75Renarde

I have a total narc mum who I haven’t spoken to for 6 years and honestly it’s been the best six years of my life. Like a weight has been lifted. No more guilt, no more treading on eggshells, etc.

She had a tantrum one too many times and did her normal flouncing off. I’ve just never rung her. She’s never rung me. Normally I’d be running round after her seeing if she was ok. But I’d just had enough.

I’ve had 2 or 3 shitty letters from her during this time inc a lengthy 7 page one which talked about a serious cancer scare which was all a load of shit and I ignored. She’s in her 80s now and I fully expect she will die without there been any reconciliation and I genuinely don’t care.

Your mother is not a nice person. You don’t have to put up with her.

@Haffiana

Aww thank you!