Mum has just ended contact with me!

[Jan2508]

Hi

I have posted about my DM recently and about her narc tendancies. The post detailed how she had fallen out with me over something stupid and I went on to tell you about our relationship.

This is my post from 24/01
Need advice
I have posted about my Mother before but here is a quick recap
She is elderly, only got me, quite selfish and controlling. I am 45 with a hubby and young daughter.
Mother is always ill with general, not concerning things. This is on a weekly basis and she does tend to thrive from the attention. This week it is a pain in her back. The GP is not concerned and has given a pain relief gel. I went on Saturday to rub her back and collect a prescription. I went on Sunday but she didn't need me to rub her as it was better. I called on Tuesday asking if she needed anything and she didn't. On Wednesday she went to the GP for the gel. I sent a text on Thursday to day I would go to her house to rub her back. I accidentally left phone at home when I went to work today so didn't know if she had messaged me to say she was fine. I must admit I did forget (not had a very good week at work and it did slip my mind).
She messaged me at 6.30pm asking if I was coming. I thought, oh boy, I am in trouble. I got my coat on and said "yes" but she replied to leave it as she was going to put the gel on herself and go to bed. It was agreed I would go tomorrow and call at the chemist for her too.
I have just received a really upsetting message from her that reads ",you know what, don't bother. I have managed this far and will continue. Before you ask, I am not angry, just disappointed in you but I haven't fallen out with you"
My message basically said that I was sorry she felt this way and that I did just genuinely forget. She replied saying she will not ask me to do things for her. I should know she is not well and that she has been unwell too often. I tried asking exactly what had upset her, was it just that I forgot today but she just replied that she wasn't getting into it. I said "I know you are fed up with your back do will take it on the chin". She replied "that's not what I am fed up about"
So what did I do, after years of this kind of behavior and controlling, I told her that I am not a mind reader, that I don't live with her to know how she is and that she needs to communicate with me and accept the offers of help I give (these offers are almost daily but she rarely accepts)
I told her that I was sorry she was disappointed but that I was not 18 years old anymore and that she needed to stop playing the martyr. I also put that "you were not wondering if anything was wrong with me when I didn't come tonight to rub your back, did you!". I told her that her comments were very hurtful and that I am trying to do my best.
I am now sat, sobbing like a baby and I wish that was this was the only time I have felt hurt, wronged and victimised by my own Mother but not so.
Have I just made things so much worse.
By the way, she is 76 and very mobile.

WELL something has just happened and I don't know what to do...

I have messaged her over the week just saying "hope your ok". She sent a long message back saying she was very depressed and her back hurt. I am trying to set boundaries and one of them was not to get so involved in her emotional baggage and her constant illness as I feel she uses this to manipulate me. I replied "I am sorry to here this. Chin up Mum". I messaged her in Monday to see if she was free Saturday for a visit for me and my DD. No reply. Then I worry so I text again and she replied a rambling text telling me to "stop acting like I care".
So I bit the bullet and called her just now. Oh dear, what a mistake.
The points were as follows
I don't care about her
She needed to talk to someone and I just put "chin up"
I don't visit her enough. The she said that my DH visits his DF more.
She should not need to ask me to help or take her anywhere (to clarify I am constantly asking if she needs anything, to take her shopping etc etc but she always refuses then tells me afterwards that she struggled ie. Guilt tripping)
She was upset when she asked why she was not invited to our summer 2 week abroad holiday and I said because I wanted to spend it with my DH and DD. She went off alarming when I stood my this and said very hurtful things. I quote "oh that's right, my family, you want to spend time with your family. Well what about me, I am your family". She then slagged my husband off and I can't write it I am so upset.
She continued...
I never bring my DD down to see her (we use to go every week but she cancels so many as she is unwell. I don't push it to be honest because I can't deal with her narc tendancies so yes, I am happy not to go. MF is quite capable of coming to my house she just doesn't.
She then said that my DD, who is 9, only comes to use the computer and not to see her.
She said my brother calls her every day. When I explained that he lives miles away she said "I will not tell him you said that as he will be very annoyed insinuating that he move away from me purposely".
She started to sound jealous that I had a DH to take you.
Now I started sobbing like a baby in the middle and she said that I was putting it on, crying over nothing. Then it all came out of me, all the hurt, anguish but I never got angry. I remained assertive but polite. I am proud of myself.
She said I treat my Dad badly (he wouldn't agree) and that I just want to get rid of my family.
In between all this, she had moments saying she was sorry, that it was her. I told her I would never do anything intentionally to hurt her but I must have my own life also.
In the end, she said she was hurt and that we were not getting on so she would say hello to me if she saw me, but that's it. She doesn't want contact. In the end, I just agreed as I could not continue (she had hung up.on me 4 times). She told me to ask my FIL to look after my DD if I needed a favour in future. I asked her not to take it out on her and said I would never stop her seeing my DD. I said she wanted to come this weekend but DM said "no, not at the moment. She said she would not be telling my brother about all this as he would be furious. The funny thing is at the end of the call she asked where DD was. I advised that she was at the after school club and I was going now to get her. Her reply "why have you left her there until this time". "Why is that any of your business" was my reply.

Sorry it's so long. Please help me put my mind straight and stop this sobbing xxxx

75Renarder Incidentally, a PP said, ' you are both as bad as each other'. You questioned it. Rightly. So heres a tip. When you see responses like that on here, it's because a narc has come on and is instinctively taken your OP as challenge fuel. Theyve taken it personally and are lashing out to gain fuel from you to ease the wounding. Does this make sense? - that makes such total sense.

Along with 'but it's your sister/father , with a sideorder of 'how could you? What have YOU done to him/her?' 'How can you go NCwith your own blood. These people are either a) lucky to have never had someone in their lives who would do that or, as 75 said, narcs themselves.

Any chance you could find the strength to go NC? She sounds like a horrible woman who will never change. If she wasn’t your mother would you still give her the time of day?

My mum was a narc and cut me off many years ago. I had psychotherapy later and was able to separate what she actually was and what I should have had from her. Two entirely different things.

My mum is a narc and I cut her off last August after years of being her confidant / 'best friend' / dumping point. It's wonderful. I finally did so after psychotherapy which has been enormously helpful.

I am 48 and I am finally free.

@ptumbi

Indeed, well said.

It's true that someone who is neither narc nor strongly empathic might question a NC but it will be done gently.

A lashout is almost always another narc.

It might also be instructive for some to watch who lashes out at me when I'm trying to help. Lashing at me on anothers post is very odd in the extreme.

If you dont like what I say, fine, move on. Or question me as to why I've just written what i have.

Unconstructive comments are highly indicative.

I always remember DM saying to me "don't have anything to regret". That's what makes NC so difficult.
I was not upset about her saying she didn't want to see me, I agreed and I am happy with this now. I may not be after a while. I just think about her, ow anyone for that matter, being alone and being ill or passing away alone.
I am just not that person no matter what they have done to me. That doesn't mean that I want to go back to how it has always been, I will not go back there. I just don't know at the moment, it's all still too sore.
I dont like her and would not have her as a friend.
I also think about my DD. What will be the effect on her if I go NC? Will I Rob her of a Grand mother. She is too young to understand what she is like. I think, in time, she will make her own mind up and she should be allowed to do so.

Again, wanna say a massive thank you to you all. You will never really know how helpful and comforting your words have been.
I have been researching and planning over the last few days. I think I understand my DM better and that she will never change. I know I don't want to continue in this way. I want the break so that I can re-avaluate myself and my needs. I know that I must make changes. I have felt detached from myself, my wants, likes and my close family for so long. I thought it was just a general unhappiness in life, but it wasn't and I feel that the penny has finally dropped.
I want so many things in life so now I am going to do it. I have just booked a holiday and it feels good. I am not going to worry what she thinks. I want to enjoy life ❤️❤️

Maybe working on limited contact is better.

I speak to my Dad a couple of times a year , exchange cards etc.
Thinking about him makes me sad but I know no contact would hurt me more than me.

It’s taken a long time to cut strings emotionally but it’s a lot healthier for me mentally.

Your main focus needs to be yourself So you don’t let the cycle of bitterness repeat with your other close relationships.

You can’t make your mum change but you can change how you react.

Enjoy your holiday x

Well done OP, you've taken the first big step; acknowledging there is a problem.

I'm not quite sure why she has disengaged from you. So...are you friends on any social media? You see, this could be a test.

If you've been blocked it's a disengagement. If not it's an Absent Silent Treatment. In which case, possibly within two weeks, you will be hoovered.

Hi 75Renarde - no I am not in social media but I used to tell my DH not to post things as I was worried she would use it against me!! What a way to live eh!

I'm an empath and I can see both sides - which I know is deeply unpopular on MN but there we are.

Onemansoapopera - please tell me how you see it. It's a learning experience for me either way and I respect everyone's opinion. It may help me. I am open to a different view point. I may not agree as I guess my situation is just that, mine.

Ive just had TWO messages junked by the code on MN. Mood: pissed.

Being an Empath is indeed DEEPLY unpopular on MN. Why? Because there are more middle ranging unaware female narcs on here which are greater in numbers than you see IRL.

Why? It's an utterly PATHETIC grab at FUEL

Very easy to do, low energy expanded.

I get it all the fucking time. Indeed, I was attacked multiple times last night for trying to help others.

So why are Empaths attacked? And they are. Lets look at this logically.

Most people who post their stories are Empaths that have been ensnared in the Narc dynamic. Domestic Abuse. This board is a rich, picking area for narcs who want their fuel. End of.

I see the narcs who want to do this. This is because I am an aware Empath or as my aware Narc friend calls it, a high functioning Empath.

Now here's the big secret. ALL Empaths can become fully aware of their nature. Narcs largely cannot. They are born that way. If they were never destined to be genetically aware of their NPD then they cannot be made aware. Ever. In many ways, this is a tragedy for them. Boo hoo.

They are destined to live very sad and emotionally unfulfilled lives.

What WE need to do as Empaths is refuse to give them our energy; our fuel.

You know, we outnumber them. But because of their own nature, they wield far more influence.

About time I reckon, we put a stop to that.

OP

Well, it's a shame that you aren't on SM but hey. I think maybe your spidey sense was tingling?

Good. Listen to it. And ignore the substantial amount of posters on here who wish to draw your fuel. I am not one of them. Despite what others might say.

When I learned the truth about BOTH my parents I recieved an intense two weeks of PTSD flashbacks in the day and nightmares. But it did go. It will be the same for you.

I wish you all the best. But the very best thing you can do is cut this woman out of your life. Because the real deal is that narc abuse can lead to a complete, psychological collapse. And even worse.

Always here. PM me if needed.

OP stop vying for her affection. She’ll never give it to as you would like her to. She’s unable to because she is a narcissist. I look back at the relationship I used to have with my mother and it was very similar to yours. We had some huge blow ups and I put my foot down. Our relationship is a lot better now. Sadly it’s quite a shallow one because I can’t trust her with anything but it’s better for my mental health in the long run.

OP - there isn’t another ‘sude’ as far as I can see that is a viable option. You have run around for years desperately trying to get your mother to love, respect, acknowledge and connect with you. Your mother has lapped up all that energy for years because that is who she is: she needs others to constantly validate her and sooth the raging self-hatred inside.

If you continue to try to find the mother you hope for you will end up completely displeased - because her needs are a bottomless pit of narcissistic needs. That way lies madness.