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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Proposed and rejected

55 replies

Treize · 04/02/2020 23:17

I wrote a long post just now then paged back by mistake and lost it all . I'm nc for this but have been on the boards for a while. I've been with my - well, now ex - for a number of years. We don't live together, not for reasons I liked (working away and constant commuting as a result) but were slowly edging towards sorting out pension nominees and talking about wills etc. I began to feel as though I would like to get married plus being each other's NOK after reading up the reality of being a non-legal partner, and broached the topic a couple of times plus afaik I haven’t kept it a secret that I’d like to be married one day. My partner either changed the subject or did the kind of face you get after biting into a lemon. Recently I brought up the topic again and possibly lemming-like going over the edge of a cliff, I asked them to marry me. I wouldn't want a huge wedding, a simple civil one would have sufficed. The response was 'you're bonkers' and 'I don't do marriage, stupid". Ok. That's clear then, it hurts but at least I know. Then they blocked me on WhatsApp, giving me the silent treatment (they stated this so that I would know) After a couple of days, they unblocked me and pinged off several messages, which I read but didn't reply to as quite frankly, the bonkers comment, whilst possibly justified, bloody stung. I'm not perfect but they've been with me for a long time, so good enough for that, to socialise with but not good enough to marry? I still haven't replied, come to that. They've since emailed me to tell me that they'll dump my stuff off outside my front door and can I confirm what number? (I'm pretty sure that they know it but still....). The key has been requested back - fair enough, it is over. I've since had another couple of emails from a different account, forwarding me the original ones adking about the door number etc. They obviously want me to read them. I have to reply but I’m struggling. I don’t want to seem pathetic or appearing to beg. Was it wrong to suggest marriage?

OP posts:

tenlittlecygnets · 04/02/2020 23:20

Blimey. From being happy together to you suggesting marriage to it all being over?? They sound mad. Why not say 'no, thanks, don't believe in marriage but I love you'?

KellyHall · 04/02/2020 23:23

What a fucking nutjob - them, not you!

Sounds like you've been saved from making a hideous mistake.

ruby2020 · 04/02/2020 23:25

Not wrong to suggest marriage... just wrong to suggest it with THEM. Lucky escape OP, clearly wasn't a keeper.

Princessfaffalot · 04/02/2020 23:25

I’m really sorry op, that must sting

FizzyPink · 04/02/2020 23:25

So you were at the proposal stage but he doesn’t know which house you live in??

wowfudge · 04/02/2020 23:26

Well they've shown who they are, haven't they? Better now than when you are married to them. I'm sorry as this must have been a shock to you

FrenchBoule · 04/02/2020 23:27

No, you weren’t wrong.
So sorry OP, your ex has behaved appallingly.
At least you know where you stand with(out) him and can move onto finding somebody who’s less selfish.
Good luck and a hug 💐

AutumnCrow · 04/02/2020 23:29

You've been with someone for years and she or he doesn't know your address? Is there a reason for that, because it's unusual.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/02/2020 23:29

Have I read this right, this was a long term relationship but they are asking you to confirm your address??
The whole thing sounds weird, you're best off out of it.

Guacamole · 04/02/2020 23:30

I’m a bit baffled... you proposed to someone who doesn’t know where you live?
They've since emailed me to tell me that they'll dump my stuff off outside my front door and can I confirm what number? (I'm pretty sure that they know it but still....).

punktt · 04/02/2020 23:32

Why the them OP and not he or she? Doesn't matter at all if you were in a same sex relationship male or female

URPS · 04/02/2020 23:33

I've no idea if you (or your partner are male or female) and I have the sense that it doesn't matter.

You are unhappy ... leave

Runnerduck34 · 04/02/2020 23:38

No you weren't wrong to suggest marriage, you've been together for a number of years , thinking of pension nominations and next of kin etc. so it seems a logical step. It's not your fault and their reaction sounds really odd. As much as it stings and hurts it's better to find out now so you can move on. Bow out with your dignity intact and focus on looking after yourself.

Savingshoes · 04/02/2020 23:41

If your ex is going to treat you this badly after expressing your feelings the best way to respond is like it's a business deal and give them a poker face response.

Thank them for their correspondence.
State a neutral location for delivery of returned items.
Arrange for someone that isn't yourself to collect.
Once received, acknowledge receipt and wish them all the best.
Block all ways of communication and give yourself time to heal.

Drabarni · 04/02/2020 23:53

You want marriage your ex didn't and made it clear, but you carried on.
Move on and next time keep your eyes open for obvious signs.
Face like they were sucking a lemon should have been your clue.
You deserve someone on the same page as you, hope you find them

Patch23042 · 04/02/2020 23:59

I’m gutted for you OP - you must be very upset and confused right now. Your ex sounds odd though. I suspect they’ve been wanting to end things for a while and this was the impetus.

Chickenitalia · 05/02/2020 00:03

I’m so sorry. It sounds like you were far more invested in this relationship than they were. It’s horrible when you realise that.

Walk away now with your dignity and know that you did nothing wrong here. Keep any communication brief and to the point, and once you have all your possessions just block and move on.

The right person is out there, this person wasn’t that. They’ve shown you their true feelings, don’t go chasing, head high.

Take your time grieving in private. Better things are ahead

CandyCaneLeBonBon · 05/02/2020 00:04

Sounds like an oddly unbalanced relationship op and reading (possibly incorrectly) between the lines it really sounds like it was more casual to them - or at least you were wildly on different pages without realising it?
What a shot way to treat you, regardless. That really sucks and although it won't feel like it right now, you're better off without them if that's all their kindness they can show after a long term relationship

Fuckitwhynot · 05/02/2020 00:07

What a nasty little prick you’ve escaped!

caringcarer · 05/02/2020 00:09

Honestly I think your ex sounds bonkers. Why would they want to nominate you for pension etc but dump you for proposing. That is crazy behaviour. You are best off without them. I would email back neutral place to meet to collect your stuff and return key and as previous poster suggested get a friend to meet them for you. Confirm receipt and then block them.

Isawthathaggis · 05/02/2020 00:10

You are absolutely best far away from this guy OP, he sounds unhinged.
I would swerve the giving back of the things drama at all costs. Unless he’s got something irreplaceable of yours just let it go.

He’s trying to control you and hurt you.
Your life and dignity will be better without him dumping your toothbrush in a plastic bag outside your front door.

Arseit · 05/02/2020 00:10

@Savingshoes has nailed it.
Walk away with your head held high.
(But I do send you my best wishes, because your ex has been a shitbag)

1Wildheartsease · 05/02/2020 00:15

No point in begging - no matter how much you want to. What could you gain from doing so? Nothing that you would want in the end.

Silence is good. Nothing will be added to the pile of regrets he has cost you so far. Do you really want anything back from his house? Leave it be if you can. Vanish gracefully.

I am very sorry for your present pain and only wish it can be eased quickly.

You probably don't feel like hearing this yet but later - when you are healed and he is just a darker coloured bit of your past- you will know what it is to be loved and IT WON'T BE ONE BIT LIKE THIS.

theflushedzebra · 05/02/2020 00:17

You poor thing OP - the relationship wasn't what you thought it was. Seems odd though - talking about pension nominees/NOK one day - only to then call you "bonkers" for talking about marriage. Seems confusing - were the conversations very one-sided?

Anyway, that's by the by. For your own dignity and self-preservation, just deal with minimal practicalities for now - send her your door number if s/he's forgotten it! and if you want your stuff back - be distant and businesslike is my advice. Then grieve and work on moving on.

cuparfull · 05/02/2020 00:18

No you weren't wrong to suggest marriage as clearly you want the commitment or wanted to know where you stand.
Given you saw the sour reaction but felt the need to push on perhaps you really wanted to precipitate an outcome.....any outcome rather than meander on as you have over the years. All relationships have to evolve or you're going nowhere.
Now you know for sure, time to move on. Such an unkind person is not worth your time... use the funds allocated for the wedding to treat yourself to a spa holiday. Cherish yourself.

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