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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Proposed and rejected

55 replies

Treize · 04/02/2020 23:17

I wrote a long post just now then paged back by mistake and lost it all Sad. I'm nc for this but have been on the boards for a while. I've been with my - well, now ex - for a number of years. We don't live together, not for reasons I liked (working away and constant commuting as a result) but were slowly edging towards sorting out pension nominees and talking about wills etc. I began to feel as though I would like to get married plus being each other's NOK after reading up the reality of being a non-legal partner, and broached the topic a couple of times plus afaik I haven’t kept it a secret that I’d like to be married one day. My partner either changed the subject or did the kind of face you get after biting into a lemon. Recently I brought up the topic again and possibly lemming-like going over the edge of a cliff, I asked them to marry me. I wouldn't want a huge wedding, a simple civil one would have sufficed. The response was 'you're bonkers' and 'I don't do marriage, stupid". Ok. That's clear then, it hurts but at least I know. Then they blocked me on WhatsApp, giving me the silent treatment (they stated this so that I would know) After a couple of days, they unblocked me and pinged off several messages, which I read but didn't reply to as quite frankly, the bonkers comment, whilst possibly justified, bloody stung. I'm not perfect but they've been with me for a long time, so good enough for that, to socialise with but not good enough to marry? I still haven't replied, come to that. They've since emailed me to tell me that they'll dump my stuff off outside my front door and can I confirm what number? (I'm pretty sure that they know it but still....). The key has been requested back - fair enough, it is over. I've since had another couple of emails from a different account, forwarding me the original ones adking about the door number etc. They obviously want me to read them. I have to reply but I’m struggling. I don’t want to seem pathetic or appearing to beg. Was it wrong to suggest marriage?

OP posts:
1Wildheartsease · 05/02/2020 00:22

(Sorry my auto-correct didn't allow me 'S/he' . Should have used they/them after all.)

zogezellig · 05/02/2020 00:25

Wow, that is a lucky escape...for you. What a weird and unfeeling ex. How much stuff is there? Do you even want it back? Can you collect with a friend or better yet let them bring it over and let a friend receive it for you while you are out?

Ellmau · 05/02/2020 00:42

I think you've dodged a massive bullet.

puds11 · 05/02/2020 00:44

I can’t believe they blocked you! I think you’ve had a luck escape there although may not feel like it right now.

FrockFrockFrockityFrock · 05/02/2020 00:45

I get the impression your ex partner wants written proof of you confirming your address for legal reasons in case you claim you never got said items back.

OP. You're not the one at fault here and you might not see it until one day in the future but this person sounds like an abusive prick. They called you stupid and the whole silent treatment thing is just childish and weird, as well as controlling.

Nope, you are hurting now but really, you dodged a bullet here.

Interestedwoman · 05/02/2020 01:06

They said you were bonkers? What a wanker/wankeress. And yes, weird that they weren't even sure where you live.

Get your stuff etc then block on all fronts. It's very empowering, I can assure you. xxx

OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart · 05/02/2020 01:16

You’ve dodged the proverbial bullet, and for that you will eventually be thankful.

They sound like a complete twat. Imagine if they’d grudgingly married you and then it all went to shit.

Curious to know what sex you both are, just because I’m nosy.

Maybe it is time to book yourself a single person honeymoon!

PattiPrice · 05/02/2020 01:23

It sounds so extreme. Firstly obviously not knowing your ex was not interested in marriage. I can't fathom how this didn't come up at some point before you proposed. When you researched the legalities of pension funds beneficiaries, how did this not come up at some point?
Her extreme reaction to ghosting you and then finishing the relationship in its entirety is something you will come come around to be thankful for in time. She is obviously very immature and this is not a trait that makes for a successful marriage.
As another poster pointed out, she wants you to confirm your apt no. in writing so there will be no ambiguity when she drops off your belongings which she is presumably hoping to do when you are at work, to avoid meeting you.
Do you need to go around to the house you were previously living in to collect your own stuff. Can you arrange this with her so she can be 'out' when you do so. I don't like the sound of allowing her to pack up everything and divide out your shared possessions without having any input. Perhaps you could use the address confirmation email to list what you would like returned too.

PatchworkElmer · 05/02/2020 01:25

I’m so sorry, OP. You’re not the one in the wrong here!!

PattiPrice · 05/02/2020 01:32

Just to add OP, please don't try to reason with this person. She has shown her true colours. As another poster already said, as soon as you have your belongings back, take control and block her from your life. You are worth so much more than allowing someone to treat you like this.

JillAmanda · 05/02/2020 01:36

It’s they who sound bonkers. All of them. How odd that none of them could remember which house you live in.

Original poster
Treize · 05/02/2020 02:42

Thanks for everyone who's commented. It's my parents' house that they want to leave the stuff at, it's just some clothes and shoes, trinkets, toiletries. Not worth the 'this is your stuff' routine, nothing you'd rush to grab in a fire but I suppose they want it out now and to make a point (possibly to piss off my family too). Sadly, I wasn't surprised by the blocking as this was a becoming a regular thing when I said something that they disagreed with although everything was rosy when it was the other way around. One of the reasons that I didn't jump to respond when he decided to unblock me again was that I was sick of the whole getting blocked then unblocked routine. Imagine if you carried on that way in an office Confused. I think that I proposed to force something one way or the other as for me things were dragging on. I'm tired of living in limbo. I think that I'll message him to say chuck away the stuff and no hard feelings, the key is in the post.

OP posts:
OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart · 05/02/2020 03:16

Don’t post the key to the address that it gives access to, just in case a dodgy postie uses it. Unless you’re going to put it through his letterbox yourself of course.

I wouldn’t bother messaging him either. He knows where to bring the stuff. He sounds like a right drama dickhead. When he comes, get your dad to give him the key and tell the little shit to eff off.

BusterGonad · 05/02/2020 04:07

He sounds like an utter prick. What a weirdo to block you all the time on WhatsApp, I'm surprised you've not left him sooner tbh, better late than never. Good luck and now you've got a much brighter future by the looks of it.

Shev1996 · 05/02/2020 04:23

How old are you and you ex OP? Why do you only have WhatsApp and not a phone number? Why if you live with your parents isn’t this person familiar with the address? How long have you been together? I’m sorry for a lot of questions but you both come across young

Shoxfordian · 05/02/2020 05:06

He's a knob, you're better off without him

mindutopia · 05/02/2020 07:11

You proposed to someone who has regularly blocked you. This is madness. Maybe he is right about it all being bonkers.

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. But you have absolutely dodged a huge bullet here. Cut that one lose and get out there and find someone worthy of you.

florababy84 · 05/02/2020 08:30

I struggle to understand why people use 'they' in a post like this. It's hardly outing to say you're in a relationship with a man, and you've gone on to use him/he in later posts.

The they/them business is just distracting.

florababy84 · 05/02/2020 08:32

And he's a nasty, unpleasant man who doesn't deserve to be in a relationship.

RedRed9 · 05/02/2020 08:39

Did you propose on WhatsApp?

tenlittlecygnets · 05/02/2020 09:36

He sounds like an absolute bellend and you're well rid of him. Enjoy your freedom!

slipperywhensparticus · 05/02/2020 09:42

I would get the stuff back just to make them do it

Registered post for the keys wrap it in dog shit no postie will touch it i swear 😁

RogueV · 05/02/2020 22:06

That sounds like a good plan op.

You are best out of this relationship

1Wildheartsease · 05/02/2020 23:38

Don't message. There is no need.

That communication about where etc. looks like an excuse to start contact again...on their own terms.

Post the key through the letter box or get someone else to do it for you.

Silence is strength.

aroundtheworldyet · 05/02/2020 23:56

What a cunt