How do you escape form your own mind?? It keeps following me around with its bloody baggage!!!

[Movingon83]

Sometimes do you ever just think f*k all this s*t? I feel like a crescendo of crap is happening to me and either I just drop the baggage or I’m going to explode!

Yes I left an angry controlling husband a year ago and divorcing him is like his final curtain call but I feel like my enemy now is my mind not him! Thousands and thousands of thoughts bombard me daily and they are unwelcome. Often 2 opposing views, I’m doing the right thing......I’m not doing the right thing....or just guilt. Guilt is there festering away in the background all the time. What is happening to me? I’m seeking help but how do you just stop all these thoughts, or is this normal?

For gods sake can I divorce myself also???

I need information. Bring informed is my prescription. I found out by trial and error that tablets to numb my brain don’t work. I think I’m a logical person. So finding out what is happening and why really helps me. I tired peoples advice and instead of pushing it down or dwelling on the emotional side of the thought I sat in the car one morning and investigated my thought. That and the freedom programme sessions are really helping. Then yesterday I realised that he doesn’t love me. This changes everything for me. It made me realise my thoughts are irrational.

My only problem is now that I’ve started to challenge my thoughts my anxiety has sky rocketed. I had to crack open an old pack of propranolol!

Yes and no.
Acceptance might be the path of least resistance. The only thing you can control is your actions. Understanding the why s does not make you wiser if what you’re searching is validation.
So, learning from previous mistakes is futile if you’re drawing conclusions from something that was done TO you.
Understanding your previous actions in relation to a dynamic that was out of control anyway is, again, futile.

What’s certain is that you’ve been hurt, badly. It’s a bit like your hand’s just been chopped off and you’re trying to tie knots. Focus on healing first, and then be curious about the past.
You matter.
All this grief you’re feeling is just love with nowhere to go. Pour it into yourself. Wear a soft cotton top. Listen to some music. Use nicely scented hand cream. Go to a sauna and feel the heat. Pain your toes sparkly. Have comfort food. Reach out to people.

Yep I totally agree and that is my my conclusion.

He simply didn’t love me. I did nothing wrong, it was never about me and all about him. It didn’t matter if I was mother Teresa, a higher flyer a cashier a bloody Buddhist, nothing would ever have been right, the goal posts were always moved. He never actually saw me at all. He literally used me to fuel himself, I was like a tasty sandwich who cleaned up his life mess.

I’m done now, I don’t want or need to know why he did it because it will conclude with reasons which have no use to me. He picked me because of all the fantastic things I am and that he lacked and despised. I was unlucky.

What is a scary thought is who is this man, what he is capable of. I loved him that’s my excuse whats his. What will he do when he looses what he’s holding on to. How much does he actually believe he has invested in me, how much does he think I own him.

Now I realise why I froze when I thought I saw him out and about. My body was right to be scared. Now my mind knows why!

Who the f**k cares what he thinks, feels, does?
He’s not your problem anymore 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s interesting what you say about your body’s reaction. I’ve put on 10kg that I lost within 3 months after we split up. And I know about the break up diet etc, but this wasn’t it. I was/am still eating proper meals, I had hearty dinner parties etc. Then somebody told me that gaining weight is a side effect of abusive relationships, it’s body’s way to protect itself. When it doesn’t need the padding anymore, it lets go.

Have you read The body keeps the score?

No I haven’t but I will have a look. I’ve been suggested it before as last year I got diagnosed with M.E, I now know this is from living in constant high alert.

Also I wonder if putting on weight is it the bodies way of making you appear less desirable so they will leave you alone. ( not saying that being bigger is less desirable, just a subconscious thing)

For those that have been in this position did you ever get very conflicting voices in your head after and what did you do about it?

Sometimes I don’t know why but when I see clarity for a while I then get this voice that disputes it and says that I’ve made it all up.

I’m not really sure what you mean by voices. I never heard actual voices in my head, but I have thoughts that are conflicting, is that what you mean?

Sorry I meant conflicting thoughts. I haven’t haven’t had the best few days to be honest but I feel better. I had my thoughts and I heard his voice, him telling me all the times I was wrong. Not his actual voice tho just me doubting myself.

I find it hard to trust my own thoughts because he planted so much doubt in me over the years.

That’s the shittiest part to deal with, isn’t it? It’s frankly awful, when you’re so disoriented because your head has been so messed up.

I honestly don’t know the answer to that. While you’re in that situation, it’s ‘normal’, isn’t it? Then you’re left to it to deal with the aftermath and it’s like being lost in a field.
What helps me is having a routine to ground me.
So I wake up, take the dog out while the coffee is brewing, come back, have a shower, clean clothes on, a bit of make up, have my coffee, meditate, tidy 10 minutes then go to work.
In the evening I take a shower, clean pyjamas, meditate, read, bed.
Sounds basic but it’s enormously helpful to me to have that routine.

I was reading a book the other day about how to be happy. It said to be like a child and live for the moment. Amount a load of other stuff, but the general message was to enjoy what is in front of you now.

It’s really hard, I think it’s just hit me that my thoughts have not been my own for a long time. I repressed me. I had no dream of my own, no life of my own. Someone asked me when I first left do what makes you happy, I didn’t have a clue what made me happy.
I horrible as now I know there is a big wall around my own mind and it needs coming down, which I think it has. Then I have his and my thoughts (just so no one worried, both are my thoughts, not two voices ) and they are all tangled up.

When I have a thought or a boundary which I know is mine I’ve been writing it down. It’s like I have to re-train my mind who is boss!

Re voices: I had an abusive childhood and for decades I used to hear the voice of my mum angrily shouting my name when I was out and about. I’d forgotten all about it until recently.

I feel different. I think last week and the hearing of voices situation was the breaking of chains. I left the physical house that was my prison a year ago. But I took my mental prison with me unknowingly. I left to survive but I didn’t know what I was running from. After going to these freedom programme sessions I started hearing my own thoughts but I still had all his pre programmed in there too. It was a battle of minds! Mine won!
I’m going to court, so that everyone can hear my voice whether I get more or less money. They need to be heard, my sons life, all of these years ahead of him need to be protected.
The abuse, the chains, what I repressed was so much worse then I could ever let myself believe it would be. I’m lucky to be alive!