How do you escape form your own mind?? It keeps following me around with its bloody baggage!!!

[Movingon83]

Sometimes do you ever just think f*k all this s*t? I feel like a crescendo of crap is happening to me and either I just drop the baggage or I’m going to explode!

Yes I left an angry controlling husband a year ago and divorcing him is like his final curtain call but I feel like my enemy now is my mind not him! Thousands and thousands of thoughts bombard me daily and they are unwelcome. Often 2 opposing views, I’m doing the right thing......I’m not doing the right thing....or just guilt. Guilt is there festering away in the background all the time. What is happening to me? I’m seeking help but how do you just stop all these thoughts, or is this normal?

For gods sake can I divorce myself also???

Prozac may help. Indeed its recommended for PTSD. It helped me and really quickly too.

Ah ok, so he's in your head and controlling your actions by questioning you still? Ok, so, firstly I would aim to keep reminding yourself what an arsehole you've escaped from based on the coercive control that is still functioning in your mind. You are free of him physically but he's still hanging on in other ways. So, as crap as it is to hear it, every time 'he' pops up in your mind I wonder if you could look at it as another last attempt to control you but the reality now is that you have the power to shut him down. I don't know what your path to achieving that is but you can and will do it. Good luck.

@Woollycardi has it and I should have mentioned it; it's the trauma bond aka Stockholm Syndrome

The bond is formed when the narc uses positive and negative behaviours against you. This is what makes it so hard to understand what has happened.

The way to understand is to know exactly WHAT you were to the narc. A massive supply of fuel. This is the top one. It's nothing personal. They cannot help what they do; its instinctive. Is it criminal? In my opinion, yes.

Learning this eased a lot of my pain. It really did.

Yep, what @75Renarde said I agree with too! You need to break down what 'he's' saying to you. Eg 'You made me smoke weed'...and answer this with 'what utter bullshit, there's no way I was responsible for that choice, and the consequence of your addiction is that I feel you are unsafe around our son as your behaviour is irrational and unpredictable and I fear for his safety'. That is your maternal instinct for your child. Believe that voice every time. Allow yourself to 'regain' your own voice and instinct.

Well said @Woollycardi!

What you have described re that example is if course, gaslighting.

It's never been a very effective manipulation against me because I have a very good memory.

Thete are other manipulations which are EXTREMELY effective though. Principally, the Absent Silent Treatment and the Sex Manipulation. Because of my own suicide attempts, I'm also vulnerable to the Suicide manipulation too.

Triangulation I've learned to defeat but that one was hard.

The way I've been able to combat nearly all of these is by reducing my Emotional Thinking and therefore Emotional Reaction and use cool, clear, logic.

You will get there OP. I promise.

Oh my, the positive and negative behaviour rings so true. It left me in a complete state of confusion and I looked to him to make sense of it...now I only have myself. But myself is still a little confused, I hear him and I hear me. Which I’ve learnt today is a positive step as before I would only have had his voice, at least mine is coming!

I know OP. I bloody well know it. Adored and Abhorred to quote HG Tudor.

It is this intermittent salami slicing approach that utterly fucks with your brain. It causes deep seated psychological damage. Not necessarily permanent though.

First step in recovery is understanding what and who you are dealing with.

When you get a few years of understanding under your belt, you will begin to spot the flags.

Weaponisation, becoming aware, is key.

There is so much more to this then I could ever have understood on that day I walked out.

Really he never actually loved me. I used to say it to him and I got myself in a confused state trying to decide if he did. He would say he did, do some things which convinced me but mostly he acted like he didn’t. I could never understand why if he loved me why he did these horrible things, say such awful things one minute then switch.

He used my “meness” and sucked me dry.

I’ve just realised he never loved me.

I know OP, I know. It's the number one issue that is the very hardest to come to terms with. Love.

No, they are uncapable of love. Utterly uncapable. They lie about it all the time though. THIS is the hardest lesson to learn. Everything else pales into insignificance compared to this.

I'm so sorry.

He used me and I so desperately wanted him to know I loved him but I never felt it in return. After arguments or discussions whatever, I would crawl to him crying and begging when I never did anything wrong. He totally distorted my view of love. I’m very upset but I’m glad I see this, it changes everything.

Again, I'm so sorry. I know how much it hurts.

I dont think your view of love is distorted btw. It's still there, intact, as mine is.

Yes its still there. At the time he distorted it but fortunately for me he never destroyed it!

I think my guilt is misspent and it should be pity. What a sad, lonely empty man he is that he needed to take from another something that he so desperately lacked in himself!

That's a very good way of looking at it. Pity them. They will never know our joy.

I realise that it won’t achieve anything because what’s happened has happened. But what a waste of 12 year’s, the things I could have achieved, the total waste of my energy and my health. What an absolute f**k up!

I was lucky. I realised a little bit after I left him that he is a sociopath. It lifted a huge burden off my shoulders.
I sort of knew a bit about sociopathy but it was never something I thought I’d fall for.
But, like you, OP, it distorted my view completely. I am so guarded, my privacy and home are off limits for anybody new, and probably will be for some time. And that’s a shame, but I’m still ‘cleaning’ after him.
Hope you find your inner peace soon.

It’s taken a year for me to realise. But he had 12 years to work on me!

I choose not to give him any more headspace. Whenever I find myself thinking about him and the whole shitstorm he brought, I remember I only have one life, I don’t know how much longer I have, I’m not spending it beating myself up. So I always do something nice for myself whenever I fall into that narrative, I reward myself with some exercise, nice food, a movie, listen to music, a bunch of flowers...I’m replacing that with beautiful moments.

Yes you are absolutely right. He will get nothing else from me apart from a business like attitude. He’s had as much as he is going get from me.

This re-fueling station is closed!

Now open one for yourself :)

Thanks for posting this, I came on mumsnet to ask exactly the same question.

If I could just turn my mind off for just an hour would be amazing! Some great advice here