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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told to leave but I am 5 weeks pregnant

80 replies

johannawarlow1210 · 03/02/2020 22:26

Please can someone advise me. Myself and my partner of 8 months had a huge argument the other day regarding my 14 year old boy who has hfa. My son is a difficult child and I always seem to be defending him as my partner believes he is a spoilt brat and it's all my fault. He is always shouting at my son and says we can't get along if I do not support what my partner says and we both work as a team, I agree with this but sometimes my partner goes too far. The argument was so bad I left with my son and went back to my mum's. The issue is I am 5 weeks pregnant at 41, my partner has said he doesn't want us back unless things change. Shall I apologise and say to work things out or do I stay away? I know I won't want to bring a child into this world on my own again.

OP posts:
BrioLover · 04/02/2020 11:16

Sorry OP, I can't see abusive behaviour on here, just in your relationship. Everyone has given the same advice, toy clearly don't want to hear it though.

Don't inflict this man on your son. Your poor boy.

BrioLover · 04/02/2020 11:17

*you clearly, not toy Blush

ChuckleBuckles · 04/02/2020 11:28

All right then OP the whole story from your posting history is that you and your DP were trying to conceive as of May 2019, in June 2019 you post that you were worried about how friendly he was with he ex-wife but he was moving back to the UK from Barcelona to be with you in 4 weeks time, so July/August 2019, it is now Feb 2020 and he has chucked you and your DC out and you are 5 weeks pregnant.

So it appears the "whole story" is that you were trying for a baby with a man in a different country from you, you rushed into moving in together, you rushed into getting pregnant and now he is abusive to your DS, and before you call anyone here abusive we are posting based on the info you provide about your set up. All this was rushed and your poor DS is the one paying the price. So what are you going to do?

EKGEMS · 04/02/2020 11:38

There is no FUCKING way I would tolerate my special needs son be subjected to abuse from some asshole who knocked me up. My son is by no means easy to care for but I'd go ape shit if this was happening to him by a man who has never had a child before. Pull your head out of your ass and be a parent

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2020 11:44

The mind boggles.

Any moment this will be deleted as it’s identifying Hmm

I mean obviously it’s not, this place is apparently awash with women choosing the idea of a new baby with a new bloke over their existing kids. Is it not a “real relationship” without a shiny new baby?

Stephminx · 04/02/2020 12:06

After seeing your last update I was about to come on and say fundamentally, or can do what they want for themselves. If you want to rush into a relationship, live together etc... great. Take a risk - maybe it’ll work, maybe not. I do however object to people dragging existing (or unborn) children into their mess.

I was also going g to say people are advising based on the information you’ve given - what key piece of information are we missing that transforms out advice (as unwelcome as it clearly is) into “my god, you have done everything soooo right” ?

But then I read @ChuckleBuckles and all I can say is shame on you OP. I’m even more sorry for your boy than I was before !

Urkiddingright · 04/02/2020 12:12

Your son should obviously 100% come first irrespective of the new pregnancy. You’re only 5 weeks so the physical termination process is the easiest it ever will be. I’d personally terminate, it’s for the best. He is abusive.

PumpkinP · 04/02/2020 12:13

I have a daughter with autism and this was upsetting to read. Can’t believe you are putting your relationship above your child. You’ve only known the guy 8 months, why oh why are you living together?Confused

PumpkinP · 04/02/2020 12:15

The only abuse I have read on here is from your boyfriend.

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/02/2020 12:21

OP, you made a mistake moving in with a man you hardly know. Now you are out, make it good by never going back to him. Shouting at children with autism isn't discipline, it is very damaging.Angry Your Ex is a scumbag. Keep him an Ex.

maybemu · 04/02/2020 12:29

I see far to many children with HFA able to just get away with bad behaviour as it is easier to let them then have the fight. HFA is not an excuse for not going to school and not eating correctly. I think you need to have a really good think about this and try and think if maybe your partner has a point. Only you know your relationship and only you can decide if he is being unreasonable or if you let your son get away with too much. I think it must be bad for your partner to say he doesn't want you back when he knows you are pregnant. Got to remember it is not easy to take on someone else's child.

SandyY2K · 04/02/2020 12:31

we have known each other for a year and half

I knew it would emerge that you knew him for longer. Always does on these threads.

introduced my son to him at the beginning to see how everyone got on.

Why would you introduce your son to a man in the beginning? Before you knew him properly yourself.

SandyY2K · 04/02/2020 12:34

It's also a shame that after his behaviour towards your son, it was still him who told you to leave.

If he didn't, you'd have stayed put.

What would it have taken for you to leave?

MissSueDenim · 04/02/2020 12:37

Alot of people are being quite abusive when they do not know the whole story.

Your partner is abusing your son & yet you’re considering APOLOGISING TO THE ABUSER & going back to him? What part of the story have you missed out that makes that okay?

It’s also absolutely outrageous that you - as an adult - are complaining about “abusive” messages on here when your child has been abused in real life & you’re seriously considering putting him back in that situation. I mean really?! You getting online “abuse” offends you but the real life abuse of your son you can tolerate?

FYI OP, your partner is showing their true colours now - abuse often starts during pregnancy because the woman is now trapped. This isn’t going to get better.

I am putting my son first, was just looking for some advice

Yes, advice about going back - that’s not putting your son first.

I’m sorry you’re in this position & I understand that you’re pregnant but you need to protect your son - he didn’t choose any of this.

I’d also seriously consider what would happen if your new child is born with AN / SN / disabilities - will your partner be abusive to them too?

lollybee1 · 04/02/2020 12:48

Terminate and move out. You are not good together.

CorianderLord · 04/02/2020 13:01

Only the last month or so... love it's since he found out you could have your own child together. Now he sees your son as baggage which gets in the way of his perfect family.

Stay gone. He'll get worse.

pinkyredrose · 04/02/2020 13:15

Didn't you meet him on a dating site? Hope you've had an STI test. If he came back to live with you did he immediately move into your house? If so why have you left, why haven't you chucked him out?

forumdonkey · 04/02/2020 13:26

I really regret posting on here. Alot of people are being quite abusive when they do not know the whole story

They're not abusive post, they're honest posts that you don't want to hear. Were you expecting people to say if you agree to do xyz with your ds and say xyz to your bf then you can move back in and you'll all be a happy family? What did you want from posting? Many post's are all saying the same, whether you like it or not..... you hardly know this man, you moved yourself and your ds in with him, you became pregnant and it's far too quick. He's thrown you out, pregnant with his baby and you're technically homeless!!! Why are you not angry about that and what he's done?!

Lillygolightly · 04/02/2020 18:01

@johannawarlow1210

Firstly Flowers this must be such a hard time for you.

Secondly he has no right to be disciplining your son. The only reason he does so is because he believes he has this right and it’s you who has allowed him to think he has this right to begin with. It’s far to early to have ever have given him any authority over your son and all he should be expecting from your son at this stage is to be being treated with a bit of respect and kindness.

As a relatively new partner who is living with you and your son he can indeed voice his opinion to you over certain matters, but it is not nor is it ever his place to enforce or dictate those on to your son.

His idea on what it means to be a step parent seems to be drastically different to what he should be aiming for which is simply to be a positive influence and role model in your sons life. Instead he only seems to be concerned with asserting his authority, throwing around his weight and generally being bullying and abusive toward your poor son.

We/you can give him all the excuses in the book, and he might even be lovely to your son 90% of the time. However that 10% is doing untold damage to your son and I’m sorry but you just cannot stand for that. This kind of damage done in childhood has long lasting and far reaching effects well into adulthood and with HFA your son doesn’t need any additional obstacles to have to overcome.

Well done for standing up for yourself and your son. The hardest part is over as you have left all you need to do now is to continue to put your son first and not go back.

Oulu · 04/02/2020 19:21

He keeps saying he needs to be tough on him to make him into an independent young man but he has gone too far this time

He clearly knows nothing whatsoever about autism, and I'm really surprised you went along with this nonsense.

@maybemu, you also need to educate yourself about autism before pronouncing on how children with autism should be dealt with.

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2020 19:46

I really regret posting on here. Alot of people are being quite abusive when they do not know the whole story. I am putting my son first, was just looking for some advice

Well, you got some.

You don't like it.

But it's pretty much in overwhelming agreement - so, like it or not, will you listen?

funnylittlefloozie · 04/02/2020 20:12

I would quietly terminate this pregnancy. It will benefit noone. You shouldnt want to be tied to such a horrible man for life, and your son doesnt deserve it either.

If you have a termination now, you can just tell him you have lost the baby. He doesnt need to know the exact circumstances. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

Good luck, OP, this is a horrible situation and i hope you can get yourself out of it.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 04/02/2020 20:21

People aren't abusing you OP, however everything you've said suggests this man is abusive towards your child.

Think about what is best for your son, it's that simple. And a bit of a cliche, but when someone tells you who they are, then listen.

lunar1 · 04/02/2020 20:26

Why do so women move there children in with complete randoms who are abusive to their children, then always end up pregnant within 5 minutes.

Missarad · 04/02/2020 21:32

Why was your 14 yr old not in school b4