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Relationships

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Original poster

My 15 year old Daughter isnt happy about me moving on (2 years later)

74 replies

DebbieBristol1 · 03/02/2020 12:06

I am really struggling today as I have now been with my new partner for 6 months and my daughter is really not accepting this. My ex and I split 2 years ago. She never wants to stay with him so I have her all the time. Sometimes, she will stay during the week one night. He left me as he had a mid life crisis. My ex and I get on very well and it is all amicable. However, she hasnt forgiven him for breaking up the family. We split years ago but stayed together for the kids but we havent told them the truth. So when we eventually told our kids (she was 12 and my son was 16 at the time), they were shocked as we got on very well. However, I moved on after 5 months of telling them and him moving out and started dating. I made the mistake of introducing her to boyfriend number 1 which lasted 9 months. She also met another brief liaison (by mistake!). Now, I am serious about my new relationship, she likes him, but she isnt happy about me moving on. I put her at the centre of my world but think it is reasonable to see him one night at the weekend. It is tricky as she is never at her Dads but often having a sleepover with friends etc. I am at my wits end trying to do what is best. I want to be with my new partner but I want her to be happy. She is mostly extremely rude and nasty to me. I try not to react and try to just reassure her that it isnt her fault and sorry she has to suffer the brunt of this. What else can i do?!

OP posts:

JKScot4 · 03/02/2020 12:10

Ask her how she’ll feel once she has a bf and you ignore him or she’s never allowed time alone? Is there consequences for her nasty behaviour to you? Would she treat her dad like that?
She’s old enough to behave appropriately she’s not a toddler.

BillieEilish · 03/02/2020 12:12

Well no, as a 15 year old I would not be happy with what you describe either. Sorry. Sounds hideous for her.

I have no suggestions as I simply wouldn't have done this without putting her first always, she is a child going through puberty. You have moved on so extremely fast.

Unhelpful I know. But I think you should reign it in.

Singlenotsingle · 03/02/2020 12:12

Aren't the DC old enough now to leave alone overnight? Can't you stay at his place? Of course it's reasonable to expect to see your new man once a week at weekends. And don't let her be rude and nasty to you. That's just unacceptable.

Techway · 03/02/2020 12:13

What is she not happy about? Him staying over when she is there or you going on dates with him?

I know a friends daughter went through this and felt that as it was her home as well she felt uncomfortable with another man staying, issues such as bathroom and just having to be dressed and not hanging out in pjs.

Many children have issues with their parents moving on and teen years are definitely the toughest. Why not continue to take it slow, 6 months is early days and over time she will trust that she is still important to you.

BillieEilish · 03/02/2020 12:16

I am not clear, how many bf's has she 'met' in 2 years? Is it 1 or 3?

That is what is upsetting I imagine.

Musti · 03/02/2020 12:17

My eldest lives with me so occasionally I tell him that I want some privacy and he stays with his dad.

I think you need to speak to her and tell her that you understand why she wouldn't be comfortable having a stranger in the house but you also need a life so arrange that however many nights a month she stay with her dad or at a sleepover.

loopery · 03/02/2020 12:19

At 15 she doesn’t have to be closely supervised surely. Go stay with your BF one night per week. She’s old enough to deal. She’s not a baby. Ok you didn’t do things the right way but you aren’t Mary poppins and we all fuck up somewhere. You’re human. She’s going to be 16 soon and she won’t be at home forever so I suggest it’s time to stop treating her like a protected little princess who will break and start having girl dates out where you can build up a friend like relationship with her. If she sees you as a person and not a parent she’s less likely to act like a dick (which is what she’s doing right now). You aren’t her slave and you get to have a life outside of your kids.

BillieEilish · 03/02/2020 12:21

backs away slowly... wrong thread for me!

Good luck everyone.

Wildorchidz · 03/02/2020 12:24

You aren’t her slave

No, she’s her mother.
And I guess the 15 year old is wondering how long this new relationship will last

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/02/2020 12:25

Actually I think she sounds a bit spoiled and selfish.
She won't stay with her dad because she hasn't forgiven him after 3 years? Nothing terrible happened to her.
It was probably a mistake to introduce her to the first partner, and daft to accidentally let her find the second one. Ultimately you can't force her to meet him, so not really sure what you can do.
As for her attitude, I would be having some serious consequences for her behaviour. She's had since she was 12 to get used to you and her dad being separated. She shouldn't be allowed to punish you both.

Jellybeansincognito · 03/02/2020 12:31

She has lost her security with your split with her dad. The fact she’s met 2 other men and you’re now on the third she must feel like she doesn’t want to get to know him because she’ll lose him too.

There’s no reason for you to mingle the 2 of them. You need to focus on your daughter and separate your partner from the situation.

Scapegoatforlife · 03/02/2020 12:41

Well she's met 3 boyfriends in 2 years. I wouldn't be best pleased either.

Maybe you should in future wait until its serious because let's be honest 6 -9 months is still bloody casual

BlueMoon1103 · 03/02/2020 12:47

To be honest OP, I wouldn’t want my DS feeling uncomfortable in his own home, which is how I’m assuming your DD is feeling. You split from her Dad and from your post it sounds like she’s met 3 partners in 2 year! That’s quite a lot of change for a teenager already going through puberty and all the crap that brings! It’s not acceptable that she’s being rude and nasty to you but I think it sounds like you need some 1:1 time with her to talk about whatever is bothering her, it might be having a strange man in the house, it might be the amount of men you’ve had in the house in the last 2 years, it might be all the change, it might be that she feels she’s already ‘lost’ her Dad and is now ‘losing’ you too, it could be any of those things.

I DO NOT think you should make her stay out of the house for certain weekends! That could make her feel pushed out and make the situation worse. It’s her home, not your boyfriend’s! Could you not see him in the evenings without the overnights? Have overnights when she already has plans with friends etc? It does all sound very unsettling for a teenager!

Runnerduck34 · 03/02/2020 12:51

It's a really tough one, I think teenage years are the worst for coping with a parents divorce. A friend of mine refused to talk to her dad for 8 years after her parents spilt , so I think her reaction isn't that unusual. So is this the third boyfriend she's met? Maybe she feels insecure , is uncertain how long he will be around for and feels uncomfortable being in the house with a man she doesn't really know, perhaps doesn't feel she can walk round in pyjamas, be fully relaxed etc and almost certainly won't want to see him in his PJ's! Of course you want to move on with your life but I would encourage a regular arrangement with her dad or friends so you can spend time with your bf without her being there. At 15 I would be slightly uneasy about leaving her alone at night, and I say this as a mum of teenagers, how quickly could you get there in an emergency? If it is a serious relationship then I think spending more time all together during the day doing activities would help before gradually building up to overnight stays.

Missarad · 03/02/2020 12:53

Have any of your liaisons harmed her in any way. I'd ask her direct as could be crying out for help. Also she needs to be put 1st she prob feels ignored. See bf once a week date night and stop over one night at weekend making sure u take kids out as well

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/02/2020 12:56

6 months is really not very long at all. She's also already met boyfriends #1 and #2 after you and her DF split.

I'd say go a bit easier on her, she's probably expecting this one to go soon too.

She's also about to head into GCSEs (if in the UK) and has all the usual teenage stresses to put up with too.

Can you arrange some 1:1 time with her, rather than trying to get her out of the house for your convenience? She probably feels really pushed out, not one of your priorities and I can see why.

What is her relationship with her Dad like? And has she said why she doesn't want to stay at his? Does he have a new relationship too?

Just take it slow with the new guy and reassure your DD that she is your main priority.

R2519 · 03/02/2020 12:56

I feel for you quite a bit OP. You have basically sole care of your kids, your ex comes and goes as he pleases whilst your life is sort of being dictated to by your 15 year old.

I’m not sure on the 3 bfs in 2 years but accept the 2nd was an accidental meet. I don’t know what the solution should or will be for you but for what it’s worth I think you are quite entitled to have a bf and whilst you should always put your kids first, at 15 she is old enough to allow you a private life and a bf.

Cohle · 03/02/2020 12:56

So this is the third boyfriend you'll have introduced her to? Your first relationship ended after 9 months and you admit introducing him to you DD was a mistake. Now you've been in another relationship for 6 months and want to introduce her to him too? In your DD's shoes I wouldn't be particularly confident this relationship would last either.

For you your marriage may have been over for some time, but for her it will all be very new and you were introducing her to men within months. I think you need to prioritise your children for the moment to be honest.

isthismylifenow · 03/02/2020 13:01

She is 15, its a difficult stage for a start.

It sounds to me like she is trying to protect you in her own way. Playing up like this all of a sudden is often in retaliation to another issue.

Clymene · 03/02/2020 13:03

3rd boyfriend in 2 years. I'm not surprised she's unhappy. You're treating her like she's an inconvenience in your love life.

Poor girl.

BohoBunney · 03/02/2020 13:21

You say it was a mistake to introduce your first boyfriend to your DD, which only lasted 9 months. Why do you think introducing current boyfriend after only 6 months is a good idea? It's really not a long enough time to be introducing children to someone you've only known 24 weeks. She is a teenager, hormonal and fragile at the best of times. Her family unit has been pulled apart and her dad isn't stepping up to th mark, of course she is going to be unhappy. I think you need to concentrate more on your daughter and her happiness to be honest.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/02/2020 13:24

You started dating again very soon after separating from her dad and she’s met three new boyfriends in under two years. I’d imagine in her mind, you’ve replaced her stable, secure and loving family life with a succession of fly-by-night men who don’t give a damn about her and who she now has to share you with. She doesn’t want to stay with her dad because she’s presumably just as angry at him as she is you.

You do get to have a life and a new relationship, but you and your ex are both living your own lives and seeking security at the expense of that of your DC. Have it considered family therapy to try and get all these emotions out in the open and work through the obvious instability and insecurity?

PurpleDaisies · 03/02/2020 13:25

3rd boyfriend in 2 years. I'm not surprised she's unhappy. You're treating her like she's an inconvenience in your love life.

I agree totally.

Booboostwo · 03/02/2020 13:26

3, 13 or 30 boyfriends who cares, go have fun, but stop introducing them to your DD. You seem to be repeating the mistakes you made with BF2 now with BF3.

PinkMonkeyBird · 03/02/2020 13:29

It's a difficult one as I was the daughter of a mother who had serial boyfriends and I hated it. I felt men were the centre of my mother's world, not myself or my siblings..we were clearly an inconvenience.

If your new bloke is understanding, I'd step it back. Your DD wasn't to know about the real dynamics of your marriage, whether you were technically together or not..that was your and your ex-H's call to be the adults and end things when they should have.

I agree with some of the PP that teenagers shouldn't rule the roost, however each situation is different. Your DD has had no stability by the sounds of it and no wonder she is hitting out.

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