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Relationships

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Original poster

My 15 year old Daughter isnt happy about me moving on (2 years later)

74 replies

DebbieBristol1 · 03/02/2020 12:06

I am really struggling today as I have now been with my new partner for 6 months and my daughter is really not accepting this. My ex and I split 2 years ago. She never wants to stay with him so I have her all the time. Sometimes, she will stay during the week one night. He left me as he had a mid life crisis. My ex and I get on very well and it is all amicable. However, she hasnt forgiven him for breaking up the family. We split years ago but stayed together for the kids but we havent told them the truth. So when we eventually told our kids (she was 12 and my son was 16 at the time), they were shocked as we got on very well. However, I moved on after 5 months of telling them and him moving out and started dating. I made the mistake of introducing her to boyfriend number 1 which lasted 9 months. She also met another brief liaison (by mistake!). Now, I am serious about my new relationship, she likes him, but she isnt happy about me moving on. I put her at the centre of my world but think it is reasonable to see him one night at the weekend. It is tricky as she is never at her Dads but often having a sleepover with friends etc. I am at my wits end trying to do what is best. I want to be with my new partner but I want her to be happy. She is mostly extremely rude and nasty to me. I try not to react and try to just reassure her that it isnt her fault and sorry she has to suffer the brunt of this. What else can i do?!

OP posts:

Clymene · 03/02/2020 16:41

And fwiw, I'm not a 'judgey type'; I'm another single mum and I'm advising you as a fellow parent navigating through this stuff.

rvby · 03/02/2020 17:06

He's not your partner. You've known him 6 months. He's a stranger. Don't ask your DD to "accept" a stranger into her mum's life. It doesn't work that way.

Dial it back, don't have them cross paths in any way. Don't mention him to her. Let the relationship develop over a number of YEARS before you start throwing around "partner". Don't insert him into Xmas and birthdays and things until he's proven his worth over a year or two.

That's what I did and my DC was 10 years younger than yours. I'm baffled as to why you'd rush things along this quickly when you have a teenage child in distress.

It's not a race. You and he can be happy together without loads of labels, expectations, etc. etc. and certainly without involving your DD in any way.

BringBackLangCleg · 03/02/2020 17:08

Some of us “judgy types” have walked in your daughter’s shoes and been affected by our parents’ actions way into adulthood. Such a shame that you aren’t interested in hearing from people who are coming from your daughter’s side of things, and seemingly only want validation that you are doing the right thing.

If you’ve realised she is still hurting and that rushing into new relationships with boyfriends (no, they aren’t partners) is not good for her then you would be stepping back from all that and focusing everything on her. But you aren’t.

Besidesthepoint · 03/02/2020 17:23

OP, it's really hard to see the other side when things are going so well with your new partner, but you probably thought that of the other boyfriend as well. There's a reason that a lot of people wait a year before they even introduce new partner to the kids, most relationships fail in the first year. It's so important to think of your daughter for those last three years that she lives at home, you have the rest of your life after that to cohabit or marry again but you can never get this time with the two of you back. It's hard to see a parent fall in love with someone else, even if it is the nicest, most caring bloke on earth. She probably would love to see you happy but feels very vulnerable. Please take it a bit slow with your partner, you can't undo the past but you can go into the future with a more mindful mind set.

Cohle · 03/02/2020 17:30

Of course you can't undo the past OP, but you can learn from it and you don't seem to be doing that.

You seem determined to introduce your DD to another partner despite it previously having gone poorly. If your partner is a nice guy he will understand your need to take it slowly for your children's sake.

crimsonlake · 03/02/2020 18:23

It is not exactly moving on 2 years later, basically you moved on quickly and there have been 3 boyfriends.

BringBackLangCleg · 03/02/2020 18:29

Some people on here would have you completely give up on ever finding a meaningful relationship for yourself just because you have kids, which is a real shame.

Absolutely nobody has said this, or even implied it. Suggesting that a parent whose teen is struggling after the breakdown of their family might do well to be single for just a few years and focus on getting the child through a traumatic experience and forging a new family dynamic together, is not remotely the same as saying “join a nunnery and never look at another man”.

rvby · 03/02/2020 18:36

Some people on here would have you completely give up on ever finding a meaningful relationship for yourself just because you have kids, which is a real shame.

Don't be so ridiculous. I am a single mum who now has a new partner of a few years. My DC coexist happily with him. We just were sensible about it and didn't rush it. It's not brain surgery ffs.

jamaisjedors · 03/02/2020 18:37

@DebbieBristol1

I don't understand this :

He only stays when she is on a sleepover or I will stay at his when she is at her Dads during the week. There have been occasions when he has stayed and I have triple checked with her that she is ok

Does he stay when she is there or not?

I agree with pp, just agree on some "me time" once or twice a week and stop mentioning your "partner" at all for now.

She doesn't want to have to meet someone new or hear you talk about them, she's grieving for her family.

I agree you are totally entitled to time to yourself, just get it established and take it to either see friends or see your partner.

A friend of mine is a single mum with 3 teenage girls.

She has Thursday night out (cinema theatre, friends, whatever) and the occasional Saturday night.

Her girls know that on Thursdays they have to "fend for themselves".

MaliceOrgan · 03/02/2020 18:46

My mum did this. Each one was 'the one'. It was SO confusing at the time. Oh and none of them ended up being the one (and she and I now have a very stilted relationship because of it all)

anotherdisaster · 03/02/2020 18:52

Although I agree with some replies on here in terms of learning and going slowly, some comments are making me shake my head.
Someone said your partner is a ’stranger’ after 6 months. For goodness sakes!!
Have a frank discussion with your daughter about how she feels about your partner and move forward from there with agreed boundaries and try to keep up the bonding time together.

WellHolyGodMiley · 03/02/2020 18:53

I can see both sides. I have been single since 2007. One bf. I consider myself single even when i have a bf 🤔
Anyway my point is, so much damage is done to kids by their parents' dysfuctional marriages. I for one turned into a people pleaser extraordinaire. Ripe for an abuser. My kids know that if you are not happy you have the right to leave. I have mentioned a few dates / fledgling mcrelationships to my DD (although she didnt meet them).

Result we are very open with each other. She talks to be about stuff i would have died before i would have told my perfect married parents.

WellHolyGodMiley · 03/02/2020 18:55

I agree with advice to slow down though!
I like being single. It was very very good for me and is something that you will grow and gain strength from. But not in 6 short months. It takes longer.

JacquesHammer · 03/02/2020 18:59

So, I am not prepared to end my relationship, that could be the best one I have ever had

Poor, poor kid.

The issue isn’t you moving on. It’s that you keep moving on and dragging her into it.

SpillTheTea · 03/02/2020 23:23

3 boyfriends in 2 years that she didn't need to meet was probably too much for her to deal with. At 15, you do not want men you barely know around. Of course you're entitled to have a life and seeing him once a week isn't unreasonable, but she probably doesn't think he'll last.

Natsel84 · 03/02/2020 23:51

Op I do understand what you are saying , but your daughters feelings must be taken into consideration. Shes obviously more hurt than you thought . Yes you are entitled to a life/relationship but please listen to your daughter

My sd had this problem with her mum and boyfriend.. to cut a long story short , she now lives with me and her dad .

Goodluck

Nancydrawn · 04/02/2020 00:35

OP, I think, as others have said, that this is the key: "We split years ago but stayed together for the kids but we havent told them the truth."

You have had years more to cope with this than she has. I'm not sure if there's a way of telling her this without hurting her moreafter all, then all the memories she had of you and her dad together in those years are based on a liebut you have to imagine that this is really soon for her.

I genuinely hope your boyfriend turns out to be the right one. But it's not really long in your kids' minds. As far as they're concerned, he's been in your life since the middle of summer holidays--who knows where he'll be by the end of next term.

Finally, There have been occasions when he has stayed and I have triple checked with her that she is ok is really worrisome. What would happen if she said no? Does she feel like she can be honest about him staying? Do you put pressure on her? Does she feel like she has to choose between her feelings and yours?

It's really not a comfortable position to put a child in. If my mother had done the same, I know I wouldn't have felt like I could say no without hurting her feelings. So I probably would have said yes, even if it were making me miserable.

Making kids feel like the onus for your happiness is on their shoulders is generally a bad plan.

WellHolyGodMiley · 04/02/2020 16:59

@Natsel84 wow, you are a new partner of your SD's father! So he got to have a relationship. He probably had more freedom to start relationships and see where the went, with his dd living with her mum! Think about your judgement!

Merlotmum85 · 04/02/2020 18:42

Some very judgey comments on here 🤔 she is 15, almost an adult and you are perfectly entitled to move on and meet someone new. It's not like you are moving someone into your home. 1 overnight a week is completely acceptable imo.

okiedokieme · 04/02/2020 18:46

My dd (older) is also not happy but I've told her tough! In my case she has a boyfriend, why shouldn't I???

I know all hell is going to break loose in 2-3 months because I'm moving away and stbexh is moving back in, she isn't talking to him. But we have to consider our needs not just our kids

Techway · 04/02/2020 18:55

@okiedokieme, wow, is that for real? Leaving your daughter for a man.

Yes consider your own needs if you are utterly selfish.

category12 · 04/02/2020 19:01

I don't think you should end your relationship, but I think you should keep it to a dull roar and not increase the amount you see him/have him over.

People scoffing at her age and the effect of divorce don't really seem to know a lot about teenagers - I think it's actually harder on a teenager to have to adapt. And they have a lot of stresses and concerns that younger children don't have. A teenaged girl needs her mum just as much, but in a different way.

OP, I would recommend infinite patience ( or as near as you can get ) and don't push it. Enjoy just dating the guy.

BigFatLiar · 04/02/2020 19:20

I know many are saying take your time, possibly years, but if she's 15 I suspect neither of you are youngsters. Its only 6 months but are either of you thinking there may be time for a child? If so waiting years may not be on the cards.

monkeymonkey2010 · 04/02/2020 19:30

Tell her she's not allowed to have a boyfriend until she moves out - if that's how she feels about you moving on with your life.

She can go take her anger out at her father - not you.
She's old enough to know her behaviour and attitude towards you is downright disgusting and unacceptable.
She's not the only child of divorced parents....you give her plenty of love and attention and she knows you're not rejecting her just cos you got yourself a boyfriend.
She's beginning to sound more like a pampered and spoilt teenager.....

Don't allow a 15 year old to dictate your life.

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