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Original poster

My 15 year old Daughter isnt happy about me moving on (2 years later)

74 replies

DebbieBristol1 · 03/02/2020 12:06

I am really struggling today as I have now been with my new partner for 6 months and my daughter is really not accepting this. My ex and I split 2 years ago. She never wants to stay with him so I have her all the time. Sometimes, she will stay during the week one night. He left me as he had a mid life crisis. My ex and I get on very well and it is all amicable. However, she hasnt forgiven him for breaking up the family. We split years ago but stayed together for the kids but we havent told them the truth. So when we eventually told our kids (she was 12 and my son was 16 at the time), they were shocked as we got on very well. However, I moved on after 5 months of telling them and him moving out and started dating. I made the mistake of introducing her to boyfriend number 1 which lasted 9 months. She also met another brief liaison (by mistake!). Now, I am serious about my new relationship, she likes him, but she isnt happy about me moving on. I put her at the centre of my world but think it is reasonable to see him one night at the weekend. It is tricky as she is never at her Dads but often having a sleepover with friends etc. I am at my wits end trying to do what is best. I want to be with my new partner but I want her to be happy. She is mostly extremely rude and nasty to me. I try not to react and try to just reassure her that it isnt her fault and sorry she has to suffer the brunt of this. What else can i do?!

OP posts:

Bibidy · 03/02/2020 13:32

My ex and I get on very well and it is all amicable. However, she hasnt forgiven him for breaking up the family. We split years ago but stayed together for the kids but we havent told them the truth.

Surely if this mistaken belief is affecting her relationship with her dad to the point where she doesn't want to stay over with him, you need to tell her the truth?!

mrsm43s · 03/02/2020 13:33

Personally I'd prioritise my child over my love life.

Under normal circumstances, 2 years might be a reasonable time to expect her to be ready for you to move on. However, between not being honest about the split with her DDad, moving on so quickly, and having already introduced her to 3 new partners within the space of 3 years, you've mucked her around a lot, and I can absolutely see why this has made her unhappy and insecure. She's telling you as clearly as she can that she's not OK with your new relationship.

Is it really a bit deal to put her first for the next couple of years, and leave pursuing a love life until she is mature and secure enough to cope with it? A couple of years of you putting her first and making her the centre of your life will work wonders to make her feel secure.

loveyoutothemoon · 03/02/2020 13:38

It depends. Are you wanting him to stay over? If this is the case, I think you're expecting too much considering the time scale and the other failed relationships.

IndecentFeminist · 03/02/2020 13:45

She is years behind you. This will have come as a real shock to her as they hasn't seen it coming. If you take away the fact you say you've been split for ages but stuck together 'for the kids', then you've had 3 boyfriends in less than 2 years...that's a lot for her to take in. To you,you've been split up for ages, but not to her.

And I wholeheartedly disagree that a 15 yr old can be left home alone.

Ijustwanttoretire · 03/02/2020 13:49

I cannot believe some (most) of the posts on here! She is 15, not 5. I suspect she herself may well have a boyfriend (or two) in the last 2 years, anyone who seriously says they wouldn't let teenagers meet a boyfriend of 9 months is mad! I was married 9 months after I met my DH (28 years and counting, thanks). At what point is a relationship 'serious' if not after 9 months? 2 years, 5? 10? Jeez!!!

WellHolyGodMiley · 03/02/2020 13:53

A lot is the age. In 13 years ive had one boyfriend and my dd, 16, acts like i have zero right to privacy.

I did as second poster suggests ask her how she'd like it if I stood riGHT beside her while she was on the phone!!
My Dd doesnt even wish i was with her father! She knows we did the right thing leaving so it is not about her father, just entitlement to have ME at HER beck and call 24/7 whilst asserting her own rights to independence, of course! Which i have no issue with so long as she tells me where she is/ who she is with.

Brefugee · 03/02/2020 13:53

meh - i get that you don't want DD to feel uncomfortable in her own home. How about saying that your BF will be coming over every other week and that she can go to her dad's? probably not good. So sorry, no ideas. (unless you could afford a hotel?)

But frankly - even divorced women deserve to be able to have a bit of rumpy pumpy in their own beds now and again. Does your Ex have a GF?

Original poster

DebbieBristol1 · 03/02/2020 14:21

Thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

DebbieBristol1 · 03/02/2020 14:37

Wow, this is my first ever post here and I wasnt expecting any judgement but I appreciate the comments. I have only JUST realised how she feels and we have a very close relationship and talk openly together. I spend 90% of my time with her. My new partner, who I see a great future with, is extremely sensitive to her needs. He rarely stays here when she is here. He only stays when she is on a sleepover or I will stay at his when she is at her Dads during the week. There have been occasions when he has stayed and I have triple checked with her that she is ok. Meeting my 1st ever BF in 20 years was a mistake and I shouldnt have introduced him to her but I did it as I would never have been able to see him. I was thinking of my future and if you think that is selfish then that is your opinion. It is a scary place, finding yourself single after so many years. But I agree that I wasnt completely selfless in doing so. It is up to my ex husband if he wants to tell her the truth as he did things that he would probably not want her to know about. I dont want to be the one to tell her his secrets which led to our divorce. I do put her first and I "love bomb" her as much as I can. I watch love Island with her, cook with her, wash her hair, straighten her hair, Take her to netball, help with homework...etc. etc. so she has an incredible amount of my love and attention. As someone said, we are not always perfect and we get some things wrong. That is what being a mother is like! So, I am not prepared to end my relationship, that could be the best one I have ever had, but I am prepared to continue to invest vast amounts of energy into her feeling safe and secure and loved. I didnt post on this to be judged, I posted on this to ask for advice. Her Dad doesnt have a new GF. We have a great friendship. I am doing whatever I possibly can do and say to make her feel safe and loved. Perhaps that is all I can do. I wouldnt call myself a "serial dater!!" - just a woman that was searching for the love of her life! Sadly, my ex, her Dad wasnt.

OP posts:

Clymene · 03/02/2020 14:40

I rest my case.

PurpleDaisies · 03/02/2020 14:44

I shouldnt have introduced him to her but I did it as I would never have been able to see him.
And you’re continuing to priority your boyfriend over your daughter.

What you’re describing as “love bombing” is just normal parenting.

Bibidy · 03/02/2020 14:56

OP I don't think your selfish for wanting a partner. Some people on here would have you completely give up on ever finding a meaningful relationship for yourself just because you have kids, which is a real shame.

I think you just need to take it slow, continue seeing him and let her come to terms with it. There's no reason why your boyfriend shouldn't be able to come over and hang out with you on a Saturday evening or whatever, even if your daughter is there and he doesn't stay over.

Original poster

DebbieBristol1 · 03/02/2020 14:57

Of course, what I describe is normal parenting. What I meant is that I also Love Bomb on top of that normal parenting!. Blimey. www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children

OP posts:

mrsm43s · 03/02/2020 15:18

So, I am not prepared to end my relationship, that could be the best one I have ever had,

And there we have it in a nutshell. You choose your love life over your daughter. Most parents would consider the relationships that they build with their children the best and most important ones in their life, for you the priority is a boyfriend you've had for 6 months :( Poor girl.

Booker82 · 03/02/2020 15:29

Absolutely hilarious some of the comments here trying to portray the OP as some sl*t who doesn't care about her daughter.

The girl is 15 FFS. The mother quite clearly cares about her, but that doesn't mean she can't move her life forward too.

I think it was a mistake to stay together just for the kids, but that's fine with now.

Techway · 03/02/2020 15:33

Emphasis is on COULD.

If this is your long term relationship then taking it slowly will also work.

@Ijustwanttoretire, if you have been fortunate to remain married or not been a child of divorced parents then I think you don't understand how traumatizing it can be for children. Their world is turned upside down and they may have felt they have lost a family and fear risking the remaining parent. If you are single, fine, rush a relationship but not if there are children.

What people don't post is how they behave when they are loved up with a new partner. I know of 3 situations and all the children were sad about mum or dad, texting new love interest all the time and being completely pre occupied to the children's detriment. Of course the parents don't see their own behaviour but it is evident to everyone else. Sure the children could just be brats, but it is more likely they are needing something from a parent who is focussed on their exciting new love life.

anotherdisaster · 03/02/2020 15:57

Bloody hell some harsh comments! Introducing your first bf of 9 months isn’t that shocking and some relationships sadly just don’t last like you think they will. There are no guarantees with anything.
I would however suggest maybe trying not to have your bf at the house too often when she’s there and slow that down a bit.
I do think at 15 she has to understand that you have to have a life too as she won’t be there forever but being sensitive to her feelings at the same time. It sounds to me like you’re doing your best here and spending lots of quality time with her. Those suggesting you’re putting your bed first are being unfair.

anotherdisaster · 03/02/2020 15:57

*bf not bed

Clymene · 03/02/2020 16:03

The OP's DD was 12 when her parents broke up which is a super hard age at the best of times.

I'm not saying the OP doesn't deserve another chance at having a relationship but she seems enormously focused on it. 3 boyfriends in 2 years? She's been seeing thus guy for 6 months and he's already a partner? There is no rush but it's all about finding the one true love that her husband wasn't.

If her new boyfriend is the decent bloke she says he is, then she should be able to take a step back and get her relationship with her daughter back on track, and he will still be there while she does that.

Otherwise there is a very real risk she will damage her relationship with her child irreparably

Thedeadwood · 03/02/2020 16:06

Meeting my 1st ever BF in 20 years was a mistake
and yet you seem to have repeated that mistake two more times in what is still a very short space of time to her since her entire family unity fell apart.

Why are there so many of these threads?

ISpeakJive · 03/02/2020 16:11

Seriously, can’t some women just be single for a while!
If I had just come out of a shit marriage, the last thing I’d want is another guy there. shiver
But this is a very personal view. I could never bring another bloke into my children’s lives so soon after a marriage breakdown.

BringBackLangCleg · 03/02/2020 16:17

Nothing terrible happened to her.

Some people are so ignorant about the effect of divorce on kids. Yes, something terrible happened to her. Her family, a family that provided her security and her anchor in the world, broke up. Her dad left and doesn’t live with her anymore. She has experienced a huge loss and is still grieving this loss whilst her mother concerns herself with her love life and has introduced no fewer than 3 new boyfriends in a couple of years. Strange (to her) men who are staying overnight in her home (a safeguarding issue all of its own). Her relationship with her dad is in tatters because she is still hurting. On top of all that she’s 15 and we all remember how hideous that can be. Of course she’s not OK.

It’s so sad to read about kids like this whose separated parents can’t just be single for a small portion of their lives and focus on getting their children through the breakup of their family.

billy1966 · 03/02/2020 16:29

OP, some harsh replies here but I can sense that you care for your DD very much.

I think all you can do is talk to her. A lot.

Explain your regret at introducing the other two too early.

Explain that this man is important to you. Not more important than her, but important.

Explain that you want it to work.
Explain how important she is and that she feels comfortable.
Explain that you will take things slowly.

Ask what you could do to make her feel more comfortable.

Talking with her is what you must do and demonstrate to her that she is your priority even though you would like some adult time.

Wishing you well OP.

Original poster

DebbieBristol1 · 03/02/2020 16:33

Thanks for all the useful comments. Please don't bother commenting if you are simply judging what has happened in the past. That isnt at all helpful. I know, despite what some of you judgey types are saying, that I am not treating her like she's an inconvenience in my life. There are not strange men staying over all the time, like some have implied! My first liason was a mistake (like I have said) and I have only now realised how hurt she is. What I need to focus on is the future. Her future is the most important thing to me, not my partners (yes, partner!), but I dont think ending things with him is going to be the way to deal with this moving forward. She actually really likes him. If you cant be helpful and focus on things that would help her moving forwards, then I am not at all interested in your negative comments. Thanks to those that understand that however hard we try, we get things wrong sometimes. I am the first to admit that. I should have probably spent more time reading about how to support teens through family break up and then I wouldnt have thought having a BF was ok! But I didnt. So, here we are, it is what it is, and there is an almost 16 year old that has horrendous outbursts at me cos she is a teen but also cos she is hurting. Any useful comments welcomed! If not , then I think Mumsnet is not for me - I didnt come on here to made to feel worse than I already do.

OP posts:

Clymene · 03/02/2020 16:39

I'm just going to repeat what I said in my last post:

"If her new boyfriend is the decent bloke she says he is, then she should be able to take a step back and get her relationship with her daughter back on track, and he will still be there while she does that"

That's my advice. And fwiw, he's not a partner when you've known him six months.

And my second piece of advice is stop rushing stuff. Slow everything down. Not just for your daughter's sake but for yours too.

Your marriage broke down 2 years' ago and you've been single for, what, six months of that time?

Slow down. Find out who you are and what you want. Redraw the parameters of what you want from a relationship and be a person who can be happy and content on their own. That's the healthiest way to enter a relationship and I don't think you're there yet.

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