My husband is leaving tonight

[HeIsLeaving]

My husband and I argue a lot. Today we had an explosive row in-front of our DC. We both agree it's not working, he needs to move out and I assume that means we are separating.

I feel so drained and exhausted. Please hand hold.

Hand hold

Do you think he will actually leave?

Where is your husband now?

I'm sorry op. Ending relationships is always hard even when you know it's the right thing to do.

Do you have any close friends or family you can seek support from?

He's downstairs. I'm really ill today. I'm in bed crying. He said he will stay to put them to bed because we have childcare for tomorrow so can cope.

He had the same illness in the week and still went to work and did his usual things round the house etc. I got it yesterday and can barely stand without feeling like I'm going to pass out.

I can't explain why I'm struggling so much more. But it caused a huge row. Implying I'm just lazy and useless.

I have a stressful job but have gone part time so I can look after the kids part time. He works full time, usually 6 days a week. We have a child with special needs, two other children. I just feel like the love has gone, I let him down all the time

Handhold, maybe some time apart will help, has he somewhere to go.

How old are the kids? When did you last get a date night? Are you both getting 8 hours sleep every night? Answer those things first. Young kids plus sleep deprivation equals shit plus arguments. The most loved up couple I know (now kids are 10plus) regularly used to shout each other to F Off when kids were toddlers/early primary. Zero sleep plus zero family support network. Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason! Just wondering if you could give more details about what you argue about?

Plus...have you done relationship counselling? That needs to be done before a split surely?

Dont take all this blame, you work, look after the children, run a home. Why does he work 6 days a week, does he help with childcare and around the house.

Ok. The love hasn’t gone. Read back what you wrote. I don’t have any of those stresses but still when our kids were little we’d be at each other’s throats due to lack of sleep/breaks. You’re being too hard on yourself. Have you got any family who can come take the kids?

Plus just because he functioned when poorly doesn’t mean you have to. Your immune system and physical make up is different to his. Everybody gets hit differently.

We don't get any date nights together. There isn't really any childcare option for this.

He is great at helping with the house work etc. But it means when he comes home from work and the house is a tip I get shouted at. I've tidied 10000000 times already that day, but with 3 kids under 7 it's impossible to keep onto of.

We are both completely exhausted. He says things that hurt me so much. He called me a retard the other morning. It's a word I can't bear, especially with our little one who has SN. This morning I needed to lie down and rest as am poorly. He just couldn't take it and it exploded. I just think if he's not here at least I won't have to factor explosive rows in, they are just another thing to exhaust me. And him I guess.

Thank you all for your replies though. Maybe we are just exhausted

How do you think you are letting him down all the time? From the little you've said, I suspect his expectations might be unreasonable.

I too think his expectations are unreasonable. It's irrelevant that he was able to function when he had the illness. You must just have it a lot worse than he did. Did he object to having to see to the kids today, is that what it is. Using disgusting language like 'retard' makes me think he is not a nice person in general.

Take care and don't beat yourself up about this. It's not your fault you are ill.

I've seen your update, you're both exhausted, but he's crossing a line calling you names. Its not ok for him to get an explosive rage on because you're ill, and maybe you might be better off, or at least calmer, if you don't need to factor in dealing with his temper.

Calling you names is not right.

As others have said, his expectations are too high. But it sounds to me that he is abusive.

You’re dealing with 3 kids under 7 with little support and no time off. You're not letting anybody down. You’re a bloody superhero. Don’t let him put you down. You are NOT a retard and yes if he is going to throw that stuff at you maybe you would be better off alone. Why can’t you get childcare? Nanny? Local preschool for a babysitter? Friend? Family? You can’t carry on with zero help and zero breaks. No relationship will cope under that strain. Where are both your families?

Are the kids in nursery/preschool/school?

He is just as exhausted as you are, and has the added pressure to keep on top of the finances - could you live with only your part-time job?

It sounds like a break will do both of you a lot of good. You are too tired to be rational. Neither have you get any break, you are feeling just as bad, you cope differently.

You have childcare whilst you are at work, can't you extend these hours?

Bless you. I wasn't married with kids. But I lived with someone who I separated from. It's hard. But we also rowed and I was a very sad and unhappy person with him.. I cried all the time. I wanted to lash out. I'm not a lash out kind of person. The day he left I was relieved. I know it's harder though with children involved. I definitely felt like the weight had been lifted off my shoulders. You can and will be happy again.
As for the virus making you worse. Things affect us differently in this house too. It's normal for a range of symptoms. It's however your body is responding to it. Love to you from afar. It's never easy xx

I wish you lived near me as I would come and help. I'm shattered today after being up four times but you sound emotionally tired as well as physically.

Just remember he isn't the boss of you, he doesn't get to decide your life. Just his own.

Just to add we don't get date nights either. I'm always tidying up. The kids wreck it. Also my chappy does help. He doesn't moan at me about the chaos he understands what our children are like. We seem similar with our situations. Not having the freedom to go out 2-3 times a year as adults is tough. We don't even go out for a meal on a Sunday afternoon. It's hard isn't it xx

It sounds like a very pressured environment for both of you a bit of breathing space might be the right thing.

My family help with childcare, there is also school and nursery. We can't get more hours as my family already do too much and the nursery is preschool, ie school hours only. My youngest Is only 18 months. My family have him all the time I work. They do the school and nursery runs on those days too.

He has a terrible temper. His words really hurt. I don't know I him moving out would be easier or worse. Kids losing their dad. Finances. But as I say he does help out a lot too - cooks and cleans etc.

Realistically though we can't cope on my wage alone.

Do you think it's something that could get better in time? When kids are older? When my youngest is at school we could have more babysitting for dates etc? Or is the name calling too much on its own?