My husband is leaving tonight

[HeIsLeaving]

My husband and I argue a lot. Today we had an explosive row in-front of our DC. We both agree it's not working, he needs to move out and I assume that means we are separating.

I feel so drained and exhausted. Please hand hold.

Thank you by the way for all your replies xxx

What rwalker said.

He sounds quite nasty from your updates. Name calling, temper.
Let him go. Let him go! Let him go!.
He will have to pay child support. Good to hear you are already working.
You can do this.

The temper and verbal abuse are too much.

Does he go round exploding at work? I bet he can control himself when he has to.

You're ill and he's got no compassion for you.

He sounds emotionally abusive.

I think your DH should try taking care of the children and the house on his own for a day - maybe the 7th day of the week, when he is not working outside the home - with you out. Then come home in the evening and if it is not spick-and-span you get to shout at him and call names.

Sorry that you are in this situation. As others said, two exhausted people are not in the best frame of mind to make life-altering decisions. This may or may not mean that separating is for the best. I think you have the right to expect each other to try your respective bests, but not to be superhuman.

So he does housework, but does he ever do it when he's looking after the kids and you're not there?

I think things have come to a head. You can’t go on as things stand.

For you to continue with the marriage things have to change.

Things will only change if you both want to do this. Maybe you can talk and agree this between yourselves, or possibly counselling could help.

The key is you both have to want it.

He sounds vile tbh

There is no reason to shout and call your partner names no matter how tired you are

. You may not even have the same bug.

So he does housework, but does he ever do it when he's looking after the kids and you're not there?

So when he has the kids for the day the house is always spotless. But he wouldn't have done any laundry. I would have done laundry but not tidied if that makes sense?

@category12 he is grumpy and can be explosive at work too. I believe a lot of people there are like this.

It's easy to do it for one day when you're out to prove a point.

OK, he might be grumpy and explosive at work too, but that doesn't mean it's an acceptable way to behave.

I know there will be lots of people who will disagree with this ( you leaving the house) but I’d be tempted to say that I’d leave .... go and book yourself into a hotel for a few days and relax and let him stay at home and cope with the children, housework and meals for a few days.

You’re both burnt out. Hardly surprising. Illness on top of just coping day to day probably just tipped things over the edge. You say he helps a lot practically, and guess picks up some of the financial slack working whilst you work part time, which are positives. A lot of mums have to work full time. I think if you both book some child care for one night and have a heart to heart about how things are, it could really help. Sometimes couples can’t see the woods for the trees and things get lost in the exhaustion of it all. Maybe even counselling would help. I can tell you things do improve as the DCs get older - still hard work, but things get a little easier. Even though his behaviour hasn’t been the best, I really think you might be able to save your marriage with some counselling and talking to each other.

@category12 I agree, he definitely has anger issues and it is unacceptable. I wonder if I give an ultimatum- he needs to seek help/therapy for his temper or we are done?

Everything could be put down to both of you being really tired except the name calling. Of course people get stressed if they've worked all day and need to keep going with cooking, cleaning, parenting but usually this can be vented in a way that isn't cruel. He could say to you "look I'm so tired, can we sit together and work this all out, something needs to give" or "I get that you're ill so have a lie down but do you think you could help out later by sorting the washing or bathing the kids and I'll do the rest". That's being a team.

I wouldn't be able to get past the name calling though. If you work part time, I assume that you aren't in a situation where you work all day and get things like lunch breaks and tea breaks? So your day is pretty much drop offs or hand overs, working, parenting, cleaning etc. It's not like you get that half an hour or an hour everyday where you can switch off and just eat your lunch like he gets to. I know it seems such a small thing but getting a lunch break at work with no children around and switching off from work really is something that keeps a lot of working parents sane.

I'm a part time worker like you OP and I really do parent then switch right to work mode after I drop my DS to nursery and I don't get a break at work because I only work 5 hours a day. So I literally open my eyes in the morning and it's go, go, go and the only time I really have a moment to myself is once my DS goes to bed but even then I have a zillion things to do because I have an SN child so I'm doing the more than words course so I need to do my reading and form filling for that, work out his appointments, plan childcare almost a year in advance etc. It feels like my mind doesn't stop.

I think you need to sit with your DH and firstly tell him that name calling is not acceptable and you won't tolerate it. If he thinks you're being lazy (you aren't) he can talk to you like an adult about it. Also explain to him the load you have on your shoulders. He probably isn't aware of just how much you do and have to think about because he's out at work all day. What's wrong with a bit of mess that you can both spend 20 minutes cleaning up once the kids are bedded? Why does it have to be immaculate while they are awake because if you clean it up, like you do, they'll just make a mess again. Make him aware of this. Tell him he needs to be able to cope with a bit of mess when he comes home as it's normal and can be done later on. If he responds well to all of this and apologises for what he has said to you, it's worth a go and staying together but you need to be on the same page and have the same priorities.

I would see your GP as well because it sounds like you are really stressed and stress will make everything you catch 10 times worse. It seems like your DH is exploding and getting it all out but you're sat there keeping it all in and slowly killing yourself inside. Please making him aware of this as soon as possible

Thank you @Livelovebehappy xx

Thank you too @YappityYapYap

If he wants to go let him go. You can figure out later. That could be hope yet - if you want there to be - but a break might be good.
Sounds like you have a lot of stresses so understandable to be rowing.
Hope you feel better soon.

Sorry you're going through this whilst you feel rubbish.

I’ve been through this. You’ll be ok. Weekends in a miserable volatile marriage are awful.

Why do so many women say their husbands or partners are 'helping' with housework and childcare ??? It's their house as well I presume they make mess sometimes ?

It doesn't sound like normal rowing to me - he makes you feel useless and that he's disappointed in you, he shouts at you if the house isn't tidy enough for him when he gets home, he calls you names. None of it's OK.

You might find it a relief if he goes.

Thank you to all of you, I don't have time to make u all individually but I have read absolutely everything.

My working days look a bit like this:

DH and I wake early. DH has to leave by 6:30 and I wait till 7 when my parents get here then I leave for work. If any of the kids wake before this we bicker over who has to look after them as it means one of us will be running behind.

I am full on at work. Lunch break usually around 20 mins long. I do normally manage a cuppa or two throughout the day too.

I leave work and pick the kids up from parents house. Sometimes then take to after school activities depending on the day. Most days there's something.

Get home and start getting them ready for bed. DH home by about 6:30, he helps with the last two (it's physically impossible for me to have them all ready and in Bed for 6:30).

My non working days are school runs, looking after the 18 month old in between. Laundry and housework while he naps.

I also have to fit in my sons medical appointments and therapy (there's probably about 1 or 2 sessions a week that I have to take him to). Homework with the eldest is always done my me. DH would even know what has or needs to be done and when with anything extra curricular. But if I said 'you need to take X to this party on Sunday at Y time. Here's the present and card. I can't go because I need to take Z to therapy' he would go.

Someone using that disgusting word whilst talking to me let alone using it against me would mean I would end that relationship instantly,we have 5DC and 2 of our DC are disabled,they're both autistic and I have become disabled since I suffered brain damage,your disgusting excuse of an husband and father has said such an abhorrent word that would have years ago been used against your DC,my DH and myself.

I'd have no place for someone like that in my life.

I know people say ending a relationship is always easier said than done when children are involved but I left a bad relationship and I had 3DC one of whom is autistic and I found out less than a week later that I was pregnant(by him)with my 4th DC and I never took him back and that was by far the best decision I ever made for mine and my DC's lifes.