Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it selfish to leave long term partner because of his mental health problems

61 replies

Jem80 · 30/01/2020 20:35

Also we have kids, I’m not ready to leave but more and more I wonder if I can take it any more without starting to hate on him.
Lived together for 10 years. Kids are 6 and 2.
He had mental problems present about 2 years into our relationship but then I was completely in love and young. I don’t mean to say people with mental health are not worth being with but it’s been a struggle for me this whole time, I’ve adapted my ways to help him, everything I do is mindful of his very rigid and inflexible ways. He is not overly affectionate and I’ve prob lost the need for affection now, I get love from my kids and I give them 100%. Partner also has been unemployed and now works but very low paid job and wants to earn more but can’t accept or take on responsibility as it’s too stressful, talks a lot but never goes through with things, I’ve tried so much to support and encourage but it’s always the same. I don’t think I live a bad life but it’s down to my children that I’m content. Lately after another episode where (selfishly) I feel everything is left to me, he can just go to bed at 8pm and get up at 7am just getting himself ready, meanwhile I do the rest.
I can’t do this forever

OP posts:
wonderrotunda · 30/01/2020 20:45

It’s a long way off but one day your children will leave home...

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 30/01/2020 20:48

It's not selfish.

You have your own hopes and dreams, you're entitled to pursue those and don't need to tolerate being held back by someone out of a sense of duty or obligation. If your husband's illness is the type where therapy and medication is likely to help, then you're within your rights to insist that a condition of continuing your relationship is that he seeks help and endeavours to recover. If he won't, or his condition is one that is life-long and incurable, then of course you're perfectly entitled to move on. Nobody should be compelled to stay in a relationship that is making them miserable and denying them the things they require to make their own lives enjoyable. His mental health might well be the reason for you being miserable in your relationship, but that's not your fault. It's not really any different to any other reason why a relationship might fall apart. He's not the person you originally met and committed to. The 'contract' is null and void.

PermanentTemporary · 30/01/2020 20:50

My dh was a completely adorable man. Gentle, thoughtful, kind, intelligent, creative. Everybody loved him.

Staying married to him with his severe mh problems was frequently extremely hard. I sometimes wonder if he might have found it easier to live apart from ds and I, but to stay married. We couldn't have afforded it and maybe not anyway.

You only have one life, and your children only have one childhood. Do the best you can to stay but if you have to, walk away. It is so incredibly hard.

TARSCOUT · 30/01/2020 20:52

It's a difficult one. I wonder if he would.make any attempt to change if he knew you wanted to leave. Sometimes it's so easy to get stuck in a rut that you dont realise how your behaviour affects others. I would at least tell him how you feel and see how it goes from there. If nothing changes ir it does but it's still not working then at least you'll have tried. You can't live your life for other people.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 30/01/2020 20:53

No.

SittingAround1 · 30/01/2020 21:00

It wouldn't be selfish of you.
However, would it be better to leave and get divorced whilst the children are young ? Genuine question not a loaded one.

Have you tried talking to him about hard it is for you ?
Is he depressed ? He should be able to do more to help around the house. It's good he's working and fair enough if he can't earn more.

There is no easy answer here. Maybe look for fulfilment outside the home as your children get older and more independent (I'm not talking about having an affair! but hobbies and other activities).

category12 · 30/01/2020 21:01

Is he receiving/seeking help with his MH? Is it long-term/likely to be lifelong?

What sort of relationship are you modelling to your dc and would you want them to have the same? What sort of parent is he and is it a safe (emotionally as well as physically) environment for your dc to grow up in?

And no, it's not selfish to choose to be happy and not feel you have to stay with someone. If you do think you're going to end up hating him, you'll be doing you all a favour by ending things sooner and aiming for an amicable parting.

Original poster
Jem80 · 30/01/2020 21:17

@PermanentTemporary did you stay with your husband? Your situation sounds so similar, my DP is good, creative, funny at times, caring but mental Health issues consume him so much of the time and he has quirky ways I have to deal with, he hardly ever wakes up with kids and lets me have a lie in, it’s just lots of little things that are stacking up

OP posts:
Sicario · 30/01/2020 21:21

It's exhausting. I lived like that until I couldn't take it any more. I felt like I was drowning. The guilt stopped me from doing it sooner. I didn't know at that time that it was not my responsibility to make him happy. Nothing would make him happy. You can't change people. They are what they are.

Ask yourself - is his life more important than yours?

Original poster
Jem80 · 30/01/2020 21:25

I do feel incredibly guilty, he would have no where to go, he would have to go live his parents I guess, he couldn’t afford a place of his own on his wages

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 30/01/2020 21:33

You are beating yourself up too much. For example you say he has nowhere to go and then literally the next thing you write is that he can go to his parents.

Poor mental health does not mean other people have to be your slave. Tbh your mental health sounds bad, like you are depressed. If you go to bed at 8, get up at 7 and just leave the house, would he do everything just so you feel happier?

DH and I have each had periods of poor MH. We help the other. It's a two way street though. It sounds like only for him do MH issues mean he can do what he likes, same doesn't apply to you. Fuck that.

HermioneWeasley · 30/01/2020 21:36

It’s not selfish- empathy without boundaries is self harm

SolgalleoRules · 30/01/2020 21:48

I’m in a very similar boat. DH and I together for 19 years (we were 18 when we got together) and have two kids 8 & 6. Eldest has autism which adds stress

DH has a long history of MH illness (depression) but especially bad last 4 years. I’ve tried to be supportive. I love him dearly. I feel trapped as I’m deeply unhappy but feel I need to stay as he’s ill not an arsehole and our kids are so young (plus autistic son probably will fall apart if he has to transition between two homes).

However it’s reaching crisis point and he’s moving out on Saturday (mutual decision, not acrimonious) ostensibly so he can try and focus on getting his MH sorted without the strain of our home life.

We hope it’ll be temporary until it’s better. He’s optimistic that we’ll stay together but I worry that if he comes back it’ll all go back to the way it is now.

No advice just want to say that a) you’re not selfish as this will affect your MH negatively living with someone with depression and b) I feel your pain

Xx

PermanentTemporary · 30/01/2020 21:49

We were married until he died, yes.

I can't really discuss it tonight, it's coming up on 2 years since he died this weekend and tonight I feel the conflict more than ever, that I loved him and miss him but life is so shamefully easier on my own. It was so hard it nearly broke me and it wasnt his fault. It's too difficult. Try to be kind to yourself.

PermanentTemporary · 30/01/2020 21:56

I found the only way to get by really was a lot of support outside the marriage. He didn't love that but it was the only way. Huge network of friends, counselling from Sane, exercise, family, GP.

Original poster
Jem80 · 30/01/2020 22:14

Thank you all for your input, I’m in a contemplation mood, who knows at this point what I’ll do. @PermanentTemporary I’m so sorry to hear this and completely understand you are not able to talk about it right now, 💐 and unmumsnetty hug to you.
@SolgalleoRules that sounds really tough, how ever do you cope? 💐 to you too

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 30/01/2020 22:25

Not selfish- no-one should be someone's unpaid psychiatric nurse long term.

I have severe MH problems and live happily alone. A partner can't really help- they need to rely on professional help.

So sorry you're living in this grim place. My dad had MH problems, along with some previous partners, so I know how oppressive it is to live with someone with them.

You deserve a bearable life. Hugs xxx

BumbleBeee69 · 30/01/2020 22:25

OP you only have one life.... and would he do all this for You? that is all I'm going to say.. Flowers

Interestedwoman · 30/01/2020 22:29

I'm not able to work- I still have a place to live. Benefits exist. :)

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/01/2020 22:45

It sounds as if you simply don't love him any more. The love you had for him has been ground out of you by his "very rigid and inflexible ways".

Sicario said that "The guilt stopped me from doing it sooner." I think that is what is stopping you too. But really, what is there to feel guilty about? The relationship is not working for you, and that's not going to change, is it? Do you keep on until your mental health is damaged too? How does that work for your children, having both parents ill? Wouldn't it be better for them if you prioritised your own mental health?

You've hung on in there now for eight years. I think it's time to look to the long term. Your children will grow up and you need to be living for yourself, not just them. It is not selfish to do so, it is realistic.

SolgalleoRules · 31/01/2020 00:29

@Jem80 I’m not sure I do cope really. Work is my respite. I’m a doctor, I love my job and it gives me some time during my day where I can say I’m happy....then I walk home....and the black cloud descends....and I’m not the woman I want to be

welshladywhois40 · 31/01/2020 08:16

It's not selfish to want to leave. I left my husband who was mentally ill and our marriage was in an awful state. He could t work due to his anxiety or couldn't work doing the type of work he wanted to do but I am sure he could have managed any job but wanted his old career back.

I left when things were really bad, constant rows and he had become an alcoholic. The bad days far exceeded the good.

What I couldn't forgive was he used his mental health problems as an excuse for bad behaviour and lack of respect to me. I committed and work full time but due to his anxiety he couldn't do any washing up. A minor issue became a crisis.

After 5 years and some really nasty behaviour - I left and never looked back. After walking on eggshells shells about how someone was going to react all the time - being alone was so peaceful and relaxing!

CumbrianYellowBee89 · 31/01/2020 08:35

Morning ladies,

Just following this post as I'm in exactly the same situation with my husband. It's like this post just appeared at exactly the right time.

Sorry if I don't comment much but your advise is really supportive.

Thank you

Original poster
Jem80 · 31/01/2020 20:21

I wonder if those that have commented or mentioned they are in similar positions
I.e. marrried or in relationship with someone with mh problems, would like a support thread or what’s app group to vent/chat/give support to?

OP posts:
Bimble14 · 31/01/2020 20:33

So glad to read this but also very sorry that you are also going through this.
My husband has severe anxiety, insomnia and depression and I’m really struggling. I would definitely appreciate a group to chat and feel less alone!