Is it selfish to leave long term partner because of his mental health problems

[Jem80]

Also we have kids, I’m not ready to leave but more and more I wonder if I can take it any more without starting to hate on him.
Lived together for 10 years. Kids are 6 and 2.
He had mental problems present about 2 years into our relationship but then I was completely in love and young. I don’t mean to say people with mental health are not worth being with but it’s been a struggle for me this whole time, I’ve adapted my ways to help him, everything I do is mindful of his very rigid and inflexible ways. He is not overly affectionate and I’ve prob lost the need for affection now, I get love from my kids and I give them 100%. Partner also has been unemployed and now works but very low paid job and wants to earn more but can’t accept or take on responsibility as it’s too stressful, talks a lot but never goes through with things, I’ve tried so much to support and encourage but it’s always the same. I don’t think I live a bad life but it’s down to my children that I’m content. Lately after another episode where (selfishly) I feel everything is left to me, he can just go to bed at 8pm and get up at 7am just getting himself ready, meanwhile I do the rest.
I can’t do this forever

@MakeMineALargeProsecco

Mine were 10 and 6 (just about to turn 7 and 11) I was in same boat - worked full time while he did part time but really did nothing while they were at school other than stuff to please himself.

In some ways I think it's actually easier for the oldest - she could sense the tension in the house and so actually she understands it's been a positive move and seems relatively unaffected by it.

Here’s an interesting thing, when I was with my ex it didn’t matter how depressed I was he always came home to a hot meal, I might have been filthy but he always had clean and ironed clothes, and the house was clean.

I wanted to make his life as comfortable as possible because I thought he put up with enough from me. Perhaps your other halves need a reminder that no matter how depressed they are they are in a partnership and it would help if they took a little of the load or your relationships will collapse under the weight.

This thread will probably make difficult reading for people struggling with their own MH problems.

I've been lucky to have recognition and support from friends and family while I've endeavoured to sustain a r'ship with a partner with serious MH issues. But still, it's been an isolating, thankless and miserable existence which ended up harming my own health.

Maybe it is selfish. But as the airline cabin staff say - you have to put your own oxygen mask on first.

There are times when selfishness is a necessity for self-preservation. It doesn't feel good. But it's essential.

No, you're not selfish.

This comes from someone in the same situation but the opposite way round.

I'm the one with mental health problems. Me and my DP have been together a long time, almost a decade and a half. We also have a DC. I often wonder why he doesn't leave me because I know how hard my health problems (I'm epileptic as well) makes life for him. I often think he would be much happier separated for me and when I'm really low, I try to end the relationship because I feel he deserves better. I'm not easy to deal with in any sense of the word. My family has a history of mental health problems and I've cut almost all of them off because I simply can't deal with their health problems on top of mine & I don't want my DC exposed to it more than he already has been.

Only you can decide what is right for you, my only advice is, don't wait until your children are older, split up while they are still young because then it will be the norm for them.

If you decide to stay. Make sure you make time for yourself. I practically insist on it for my DP. You can't look after other people if you're not looking after yourself. Make sure you are.

Absolutely not selfish at all! I was you, but I ended up staying for nearly 30 years because I thought I would be judged for leaving someone with MH problems. Our marriage became extremely dysfunctional, I was his carer (he didn't work) but I was hugely resentful. He did not seek help for his problems but relied on me for everything and was abusive when he couldn't cope with situations. I finally left him 3 years ago and I cannot tell you how relieved and happy I am every single day that I finally found the courage to leave. And do you know what, everyone in my life has been so supportive and said that I deserved to be happy. No condemnation at all!

It’s lovely to find some solidarity/people in a similar situation

I think my issue is my DH has significant MH issues but he seems to want the marriage to work. He’s moved out to ‘give us both breathing space’ and plans to come back in a week. He came home tonight so that when I got back from my parents he could help at bedtime.

We love each other but I think we’ve hit friend zone. I don’t want sex (I think some of this is because his MH issues mean he’s grumpy during the day which is a turn off) but that seems to be a deal breaker for him.

I can’t imagine being without him but equally I can’t imagine the rest of my life with him....does that even make sense?!

I have depression and anxiety. My DP has been a total rock to me and I’ve put him through a lot I know. I’d crumble without him.

That being said if he packed his bags tomorrow and left I’d understand because it’s fucking hard living with someone with MH issues. It’s draining and it’s a selfish condition and it affects everything, including the “normal” (I hate that word sorry) persons MH. You need to put YOUR MH first and if you’re unhappy and feeling ground down and miserable you need to do something about that.

So - we've just had 'the chat'. Looks like separation is on the cards.

Not sure how I feel. We're best friends. Nobody else on the scene. We want it to be amicable. But I'm distraught at the prospect of him not being with us.

Just rambling as I'm not sure if in the long run this is best and just need to get over the shock or whether this is something we should work through

In your heart you know it needs to happen. It oozes from your posts. It will be fine. The current way of living is not working for any of you. Time for a big change. Shake it up.

Hope you're OK SolgalleoRules

Sympathies OP. I made the horrendous decision not to let my oh home after his second sectioning and bipolar diagnosis. He had been seriously ill for 6 years, off and on before that. Wed been married for 20 years. 2 dcs. It was very very hard for everyone. But the impact of his illness on me was, and still is, devastating. So stressful and seriously traumatic. And no support for me.

take care.