Is it selfish to leave long term partner because of his mental health problems

[Jem80]

Also we have kids, I’m not ready to leave but more and more I wonder if I can take it any more without starting to hate on him.
Lived together for 10 years. Kids are 6 and 2.
He had mental problems present about 2 years into our relationship but then I was completely in love and young. I don’t mean to say people with mental health are not worth being with but it’s been a struggle for me this whole time, I’ve adapted my ways to help him, everything I do is mindful of his very rigid and inflexible ways. He is not overly affectionate and I’ve prob lost the need for affection now, I get love from my kids and I give them 100%. Partner also has been unemployed and now works but very low paid job and wants to earn more but can’t accept or take on responsibility as it’s too stressful, talks a lot but never goes through with things, I’ve tried so much to support and encourage but it’s always the same. I don’t think I live a bad life but it’s down to my children that I’m content. Lately after another episode where (selfishly) I feel everything is left to me, he can just go to bed at 8pm and get up at 7am just getting himself ready, meanwhile I do the rest.
I can’t do this forever

A WhatsApp group would be great to support each other x

I would appreciate a group. Husband has moved out today.... hoping its temporary. I've never cried so much as I have tiday

Not at all. An ex long term boyfriend had severe mental health issues. He lied, and I found out he was living a double life. Gambling etc. I was surprised to see him get married 6 years ago and have a couple of kids to this other woman. But now that had fallen apart with the same issues I believe. You have to look after yourself.

I really feel for you OP. I see this with my cousin. He's a really nice guy, but his mental health makes it very difficult to live with him. His lovely wife eventually left him (when their DC were around the same age as yours). Now he's started a new relationship and I feel like warning her! Not my business though.

The responses would be so different if it was a physical illness.

The responses would be so different if it was a physical illness.

So give the response you think should be given - what do you think the OP should do?

I agree the responses might be different if it was a physical illness. I think that reflects the reality that it's often much harder to live with a partner with a mental illness than a physical illness.

When I met my partner, almost 20 years ago, he told me he suffered with depression. I had no experience of this and just thought he would keep taking the medication and be ok. He always drank a lot. A few years later he was sacked from work and went downhill . He eventually got a low paid simple job and had counselling but refused to engage with any other coping strategies. He won't do anything and has terrible mood swings. I dreaded coming home from work. The toxic atmosphere has affected our teenage son
We are just separating but in the same house while finances sorted. Ironically he has told a friend he is feeling better which is a kick in the teeth for me after years walking on eggshells trying to make life better for him! 'Don't feel guilty OP..

Is he getting medical / professional help for his mh issues?

If you can afford to leave, you should. Many people I know are in worse situations than yours, but literally can't afford to leave.

My sister was married to someone with terrible mental health issues. It caused jawdropping unfairness on every level. I remember the births of her children - her getting up every single morning - even though at points she was ill - to care for her babies while he lay in, carrying all the shopping bags when she was recovering from c-sections so she got infections, her being told by his family how she needed to ‘focus on providing him extra emotional support’ when our parent got diagnosed with a terminal illness shortly after birth (because it would be hard for him to cope), her being profoundly resented for wanting a year off as maternity leave when he had hardly ever had a job, and she had, always, always worked full time. Take his undoubtably awful mental health out of the equation and basically it was the shittest deal imaginable for her. She did leave him, and she now has a fantastic partner. It may be different caring for a partner who becomes ill later in life when a bank of reciprocal effort has been built up - though even then it may get too much. But it sounds as though you, like my sister, are coping with something that has unfairness as it’s baseline. Couldn’t do it myself, I’m not ‘nice’ enough, and not ashamed of that fact. I really wish you the best, and remember you are allowed a good deal for your own life, OP

Thanks all for the input and comments, it does help. @SolgalleoRules I’m so sorry it’s been a bad day, maybe it’s for the best at this moment, take each day as it comes.
Would anyone who would like to join in on a what’s app chat thread for support please message me your number and I’ll try and set it up later today or tomorrow

My children are in their 30s now. My DH left us when they were 6 and 4. It was the most incredible relief. He suffered from profound depression. Some days he wouldn't get up. I was a total single parent. When he worked he was a total workahuc, when he was down he’d lie in bed or the bath all day.

I thought leaving him would be too cruel for the children though I was at breaking point. Eventually I became depressed too, do he left, couldn’t take it or help me in any way.

I was better off on my own. Much. And so was he.

I do think the responses would be different if it was a physical illness, but from what I've observed in my own marriage and friends' relationships, when it's a physical illness the partner is generally still "present" as a partner. So a friend whose husband has a progressively degenerative illness, after the initial shock and sadness of the diagnosis he took the attitude that he would always do the most he possibly could as a husband and father. He is still there for her emotionally, texting and on the phone during the day, they have a lovely time as a family as much as he can manage, he chats for hours with the kids, he takes a lively interest in everyone's lives and friendships and school work, he does what he can at home on the computer (online shops, family admin), he takes responsibility for his health, organises all his own appointments and medication, tries to keep in the best shape he can etc. I think the difference with mental illness is that a feature of the illness is the person is no longer "present" in the relationship leaving the other partner feeling totally alone, if not with an active burden of someone who isn't caring for themselves or others or the constant worry they may harm themselves. It has a uniquely negative impact on the dynamics of the relationship, compared to a physical illness.

However sometimes people with a physical illness or who have had a life changing accident will have a big change in their personality as a result, and that can also destroy relationships. I know someone whose BIL became paralysed from a car accident, and was extremely angry, bitter, completely checked out of his marriage and started verbally and emotionally abusing his wife. And even when she left him after years of this, she had people judging her, bleating about "in sickness and in health".

From the other side of things, I think a lot of what you describe is not healthy for you or your children, walking away is self preservation not selfishness. Looking back at how ill I was (diagnoses of varying things including c-ptsd, pstd, severe depression, post partum psychosis and GAD), I have no idea why dh didn't leave me. I didn't want to do anything at all, I couldn't function, I just wanted to die. Even now, studying for another degree, sahm, on loads of committees, have a social life and we go out plenty, I still have days of nothing but despair. I wouldn't blame you for leaving any more than I'd blame my husband for leaving me. I wasn't the woman he fell in love with any more (or rather he fell in love with an illusion fueled by drink and drugs which had to stop after children). We are still together but it's been a rocky road for both of us.

The help just isn't there either. My consultant psychriatrist told me I was damaged and desperately needed help but because I'm not a threat to myself or anyone else, he can't let me have any more therapy. All he does is prescribe me sleeping pills and tell me I'm beautiful (probably a whole other thread).

If nothing is going to change, I would consider leaving sooner rather than later purely because part of the reason I'm so screwed up is that my parents stayed married "for me" and god, did I know about it. All those screaming rows, the silences, the hatred over the breakfast table, being treated as an adult and exposed to the worst of their relationship ever since I can remember...I'm seeing my SiL do the exact same thing now and her kids are suffering.

I have a partner who has been extremely angry, totally irrational outbursts. He has been on various medication for years. After the outbursts he is very loving for a day or two then normality creeps back. Then later another outburst. Really really fierce temper. He is currently seeing a therapist every week. He seems to have calmed down completely. We live far apart so don’t see each other often so it’s difficult to gauge but I’m wondering if he is emotionally settled now (he still gets dark days but hasn’t shouted in a few months) I’m concerned that he’s more stable because he has all the attention from the therapist and once the course is over he will revert (fear on my part) I don’t know if to stay. There are so many awful memories they haunt me

I do care a lot for him, I guess I do love him but not sure about how romantically anymore. I know it’s not his fault. As I said it’s sometimes the little things like today as I’m not feeling great and had a poor sleep so I mentioned this and then he said if triggered him and now he’s anxious again as he’s going through a bad spell, but maybe my response was obviously one of wtf? So he then said he felt anxious that he’s upset me but I don’t know

and then he said if triggered him and now he’s anxious again as he’s going through a bad spell, but maybe my response was obviously one of wtf? So he then said he felt anxious that he’s upset me but I don’t know

You can't live your life treading on eggshells terrified you'll upset him. That's how I spent my childhood with my mum and it's no way to live.

I come from the other side of the equation, I have quite severe mental health problems, and my partner left me because of my depression.

I don’t think you are under any obligation to stay with someone that makes you unhappy, when my ex told me he was leaving I understood, just wished that I could leave me too!

I think the important thing is to do it kindly and make sure he has support in place. I wish my ex had done that, let my family know so when he dropped me I had people to help me get back up.

It took a long time for me to get over my ex, but I’m much better off now, in hindsight I think it’s a great pity we didn’t break up sooner.

Good luck, I hope you can get things sorted to your mutual benefit.

@sandgrown it may be he feels much better because he can absolve himself of responsibilities now you are split . I definitely think my ex with depression couldn't actually cope with having to have responsibilities outside himself. He wanted to go to work and come home but not have responsibilities such as housework, looking after the kids and just general life!

Exh had a physical illness. He checked out of our relationship completely, I did everything including caring for his young son eow.
I did three years of this then realised I was never going to make him happy and left.
A year later he got himself well and had three lovely years before his condition got the better of him and he died. We stayed friends for those three years, I think mainly because we had no expectations of each other. I wish I had left sooner.
Thinking of you

Of course the responses would be different if it was a physical illness. It’s doubtful someone with a physical Illness would be living a double life, lying, gambling, drinking and behaving erratically.

OP in spending so much time caring about his MH, what about yours?
Where is your right to have a good life?
It seems as though apart from his MH, he has taken it for granted that you will just pick up the pieces and carry the family. You have given him 10years already. As pp said one day your kids will leave home, and you might look back and regret a whole life wasted with him. And he most likely will be the same person.

You have had this man in your life for a considerable amount of time so you will have gained an sense of if he is really just someone who is terribly unwell but desperate for help, or is he someone who is using his illness as a get out of responsibility card / to control or abuse. I would recommend reading 'why does he do that' by lundy Bancroft although you may have a view already. DH has BPD and I found myself walking on egg shells avoiding anything that may upset him or trigger him lest he have to deal with adult life. Following a traumatic birth, PND and PNA, him and his family behaved horribly and really couldn't have given a shit less about me. I was done. I had individual counselling and medication (had to stop at 6 weeks due to serious side effects on GP recommendation), we had couples counselling and major life changes. It was do or die because I otherwise it was divorce. I realised that his MH had been an excuse for 'special privileges' in the relationship (no early mornings or night feeds, no emotional support for me, no responsibility for bills etc) and so this stopped. I was clear in my expectations and our whole lives have changed over a year because actually DH has seen that he is capable, that he does need to be managing his condition and not expecting others to change instead, and that just because MIL dictated the family with her MH that isnt aspirational and actually is quite abusive. DH now takes meditation and his mood swings and anger have stopped, we see PIL a lot less, he changed jobs and I'm starting a business which I could never have done before. I do things for myself and sort childcare rather than considering the impact on DH, and we have a family calendar app so he cant pretend no to know things. Things are better. I could have walked away but we had a very young child and I'm glad I took these steps because even if we do split we'll be far more able to co-parent. Is your partner managing his condition? Could you go to counselling and/or do couples counselling? Could you find a couple of goals just for yourself?

I'm currently in the process of leaving.

My partner did not tell me about his recurring depression until a few years into the relationship & I had moved in, away from my support network. It only came out because he was starting to get depressed & his behaviour was affected. I would never have moved away from my support network had I known.

But I had committed to the relationship & decided to continue; we went in to have 2DC and my life became hellish.

He had multiple job losses, long periods off sick & it put us under extreme financial stress.

I was out working more or less full-time & doing everything round the house. He just didn't pull his weight at home & I was buckling under the strain.

When he finally lost his job, for mental health reasons, he got more treatment & felt better. Then he sat round the house doing fuck all whilst I worked full-time.

The resentment killed my feelings for him.

I should add that he always tried to help himself with therapy, medication & exercise. But he just couldn't see beyond himself & support me at all.

I realised I couldn't go through life propping up someone who didn't support me at all. Imagine going through to old age in that situation. It's supposed to be a partnership.

I didn't want my kids growing up thinking that this was how relationships work - with daddy doing fuck all & mummy running around shitless trying to do everything.

In some ways, I wish I had done it when the DC were young enough not to be as much affected as they are now (11 & 7).

Good luck OP, it's really hard.