Is it my responsibility to fix this?

[Dumdumdumdidly]

I have a good friend who I have had for years. I make an effort to pop and have a cup of tea with her at least once a month and would say our friendship is equal in terms of our expectations of each other.

Friend is having a milestone birthday bash. She asked me to set aside the date and I did but when she mentioned it might be a few nights away etc I did tell her that I might not be able to afford it. She was fine with this.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and she confirmed it will be costing in the region of £300 once you take everything into account. I was honest and said I would not be able to participate because of the cost but to have a lovely time. She then went silent on me.

She was weird over text so then I phoned her as I had a suspicion she might be upset. When I phoned, I got a barrage of anger over the fact that I, and others, had cried off from this birthday bash. She tried to back track a bit by saying she knew I had already warned her but she is angry that nobody takes her friendship seriously and she is sick of paying out for others when people won't do it in return. I stayed silent and let her rant, unsure if she was angry with me or the others or the situation. However she said that "it's up to you what you CHOOSE to spend your money on". She doesn't know but I am currently paying £200 a month trying to solve my dh mental health problems and that is why I can't go. She also said she knew this conversation would worry me but whatever and hung up on me (ouch)

I left the conversation feeling pretty stunned. I felt she took all her anger out on me, when I had always been honest. I thought she might cool down and then send me a "sorry for taking it out on you" message but nope, nothing.

I'm swinging between being upset on her behalf that she feels her friends don't care but also feeling bloody angry that she dares take issue with me not spending that ridiculous amount of money! I've never ever asked her to come on an expensive birthday/baby shower/ hen do etc. All those occasions for me have cost peanuts or I have paid!

I'm at a point now where normally I would have contacted her about our next meet up. I'm also invited to her wedding (or am I?).

Is it really my responsibility to contact her first? I'm dreading it. And if I do meet with her, I will tell her how much she hurt me. I'm just sad that she doesn't value me enough to feel anything about the fact that she clearly thinks so little of me. I value her friendship and that is why I'm so upset with her.

How would you approach this? Bite the bullet and meet up? Or wait for her to contact me? Or just accept she clearly believes im a shit friend?

She has not told any of the other friends off for not going to her birthday bash by the way. She has been normal with them. Probably because she took it all out on me!

I wouldn’t contact her at all

I'd wait for her to contact you. I doubt she's just angry with you, it's more likely she feels no one makes an effort for her and you saying you can't go has tipped her over the edge.

£300 each for a birthday party? Blimey. She's expecting a bit much, celebrating her birthday isn't as important to other people as she thinks it is.

If you want to maintain the friendship after this contact her.
If not, don't botheras suspect she won't contact you either

Haha nope. She sounds batshit crazy. Have a glass of wine and a good laugh. If she took your friendship seriously she would have apologised by now.

If spoken to like that by a friend I might tell them that I felt they were being unfair and felt upset and angry. I would only want to see them again, at all, if had a lot of history of good times/friendship and / or generally really enjoyed their company.

Yes I suspect that my decline did send her over the edge. She has paid out loads for her other friends over the years on hen weekends etc...but as I said, I've only ever done big parties in my garden or out for a meal!

I even would accept that I got the brunt of her anger but to not apologise in any way to me just...well it's shit isn't it. I wonder if she is having a hard time elsewhere in her life but she isn't one for confiding so not much I can do. Not sure what to do about the wedding invite now.

So let me get this straight here. She's such a self-absorbed cow she believes she's entitled to a fucking 'birthday bash' that costs the participants 300 bloody quid, then when they don't, she treats YOU as her emotional punching bag and you're wondering if it's YOU who needs to 'fix' this narcissistic using bitch? Just no. This isn't how friends treat each other. She has no regard for your feelings, only hers, which come first and foremost.

I'd decline the wedding invitation. Save you some money there, bet it's one of those where you're expected to pay out and give her money as a gift on top of that.

I'd decline the wedding invitation. Save you some money there, bet it's one of those where you're expected to pay out and give her money as a gift on top of that.

Haha funnily enough yes! Money towards a honeymoon!

The thing is I've never seen this side of her. In the 10years of friendship I've never seen this spoilt brat version of my friend. Maybe her wedding is sending her batshit!

Sigh...I'd rather not openly fall out with her as we have mutual friends and that makes it harder. Perhaps I need to meet up and have a grown up conversation about what friendship means to me and see how it goes...

Even before I opened the topic I figured that no it's not your problem and I'm right. I'd leave it and see if she contacts you, when is the wedding or when do you need to respond to the invite by?

I need to respond in the next month I think but she will notice my lack of response already...she has begun chasing up other people. Other people who also are not going to her birthday bash but did not get any anger directed their way I think she is just going to act like everything is fine. I just don't operate like that though!

Do you know for sure that other people didn't also get the angry response? Was yours done in public or on public social media?

I did have a party for a milestone birthday but I paid for it.
£300 is a ridiculous sum to expect others to pay, no wonder people are declining.
I see she’s upset that she’s paid out to attend events for other people - I guess she knows now to decline any more.
It’s not down to you to fix anything, she’s been unfair and I guess taken it out on you as she somehow sees you as an easier target.

No it was a private discussion, I don't air dirty laundry on social media or in public. I know because mutual friends have told me. I haven't gossiped, just mentioned I feel bad for not going then it became apparent that none of them had received any anger. Plus she also admitted on the phone that I was receiving the brunt of it. That's fine if there is some kind of acknowledgement after! Not radio silence

I think she took it out on me because I cared enough about her to actually pick up the phone and ring rather than chicken out over text.

If she's a close friend, do you feel you can tell her you're having to spend money on your DH's mental health? I mean, you shouldn't have to give any justification- £300 is a lot of money, but if you said that it might mean she acts more reasonably.

When she was really angry I tried to explain that I was planning on talking it through with her when I saw her later that week. However she cancelled seeing me... She was so furious on the phone I didn't feel it was right to go into reasons. Then when she cancelled seeing me I felt a bit "sod you". If I see her I will tell her about the reasons but she didn't give me a chance.

I think I would send her a text: I'm really unhappy with the way you spoke to me. I notice you haven't treated any of our other friends like this when they have had to refuse their invitation. If you expect people to pay £300 for a party you have to expect a high drop out. I've got unexpected expenses which make it impossible for me to pay - if you'd stayed on the phone long enough I could have told you about them.

And no, I wouldn't go to her wedding, but I would tell her now rather than later.

She took it out on you because she could. It was way out of line. She's paid out for other peoples' shindigs but never for you yet you were the one she got nasty with. That speaks volumes!

I wouldn't bother contacting her anymore. Just let it drift off.

...I'd rather not openly fall out with her as we have mutual friends and that makes it harder. Perhaps I need to meet up and have a grown up conversation about what friendship means to me and see how it goes...

You don't need to meet up. She bloody cancelled the next one! You don't even need to 'fall out' or create drama.

Just don't contact her any more.

And decline the wedding. Oh, I'm not at all surprised she touted for money for that. Was it an evening invitation? Is it one of those weddings where evening guests are expected to travel, pay out for accommodation, buy own drinks, get maybe a sausage roll and then expected to hand over a wodge of cash as well?

She thinks very highly of herself and very little of you, OP.

Just don't engage with her anymore.

I wouldn’t text as she’s out of order taking it out on you but I can see why she’s generally pissed off

If I’d spent loads going on others I would feel miffed if someone dropped out of mine

I wouldn’t be as harsh as posters on here tho

I can totally get how she feels if she’s gone on everyone else’s do. I’d be furious too. Not your fault but maybe you are the closer friend who she could be mote honest with

Perhaps she’s hoping you would have told the others how pissed off she is?

It's not up to you to tell your friends about your dhs illness. That's his business and you'd need his permission to tell. In any case you do not need to justify your reasons for not going to anyone. If your friend cannot accept that her pretentious birthday plans are too expensive for all her friends then she needs a kick up the backside and an invitation to the real world - a world that does not revolve around her. She sounds like a right bitch tbh. I wouldn't make first contact.

Drum m
I think that ms a bit harsh

Totally get ops side but she’s hardly a bitch

But she’s not unreasonable to expect all the other mates to go to her big bday esp if she’s paid out and gone on all their big weekends - that’s just rude of them

"I have been waiting to see if you are going to apologise for our last conversation. It's absolutely not right the way you lashed out at me. I had always said I couldn't afford an expensive event. On top of that I know that you have treated me differently to your other friends who didn't get the same verbal bashing. How do you propose we move on from this???"