Is it my responsibility to fix this?

[Dumdumdumdidly]

I have a good friend who I have had for years. I make an effort to pop and have a cup of tea with her at least once a month and would say our friendship is equal in terms of our expectations of each other.

Friend is having a milestone birthday bash. She asked me to set aside the date and I did but when she mentioned it might be a few nights away etc I did tell her that I might not be able to afford it. She was fine with this.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and she confirmed it will be costing in the region of £300 once you take everything into account. I was honest and said I would not be able to participate because of the cost but to have a lovely time. She then went silent on me.

She was weird over text so then I phoned her as I had a suspicion she might be upset. When I phoned, I got a barrage of anger over the fact that I, and others, had cried off from this birthday bash. She tried to back track a bit by saying she knew I had already warned her but she is angry that nobody takes her friendship seriously and she is sick of paying out for others when people won't do it in return. I stayed silent and let her rant, unsure if she was angry with me or the others or the situation. However she said that "it's up to you what you CHOOSE to spend your money on". She doesn't know but I am currently paying £200 a month trying to solve my dh mental health problems and that is why I can't go. She also said she knew this conversation would worry me but whatever and hung up on me (ouch)

I left the conversation feeling pretty stunned. I felt she took all her anger out on me, when I had always been honest. I thought she might cool down and then send me a "sorry for taking it out on you" message but nope, nothing.

I'm swinging between being upset on her behalf that she feels her friends don't care but also feeling bloody angry that she dares take issue with me not spending that ridiculous amount of money! I've never ever asked her to come on an expensive birthday/baby shower/ hen do etc. All those occasions for me have cost peanuts or I have paid!

I'm at a point now where normally I would have contacted her about our next meet up. I'm also invited to her wedding (or am I?).

Is it really my responsibility to contact her first? I'm dreading it. And if I do meet with her, I will tell her how much she hurt me. I'm just sad that she doesn't value me enough to feel anything about the fact that she clearly thinks so little of me. I value her friendship and that is why I'm so upset with her.

How would you approach this? Bite the bullet and meet up? Or wait for her to contact me? Or just accept she clearly believes im a shit friend?

She has not told any of the other friends off for not going to her birthday bash by the way. She has been normal with them. Probably because she took it all out on me!

I can also see that perhaps she took it out on me because she felt safer to (rightly or wrongly)
I had friends like that.....until i found my self respect and deleted them from my life.
They had such little respect or consideration for me and my feelings....i guess they saw me as a 'soft touch' who would just take their shit and not respond.
It worked for a while until i saw sense.

Ugh it's still going round in my head. I bet she hasn't dedicated this much worrying time!
Of course she hasn't! She didn't even check herself before she unleashed her anger on you.
She doesn't have any consideration for you in that sense.

Thing is, this happened a couple of weeks ago so she has already had time to calm down etc
Yet - still no apology!

Not really a worthy friend is she?
Yet you're still tying yourself up on knots worrying how much money to give her as a wedding present!

How about sticking £30 in an envelope - or whatever the cost of a present would be?
Personally, i don't like demands for money like that....i'd just go ahead and buy her an actual present....but then i wouldn't keep her as a friend so i wouldn't do that either.

Ha, you'd only hear through the grapevine how much she despises people who only give a tiny little amount like ... It seems, sadly, that you have lost your long term friend to a bout of Birthday-zilla-itis.

Not wasting headspace on all of this while you concentrate on your own family seems like a very sensible thing to do for the time being.

I don’t get the shock if £300 birthdays

Yes it’s a lot as a gift but almost all my mates had weekends away of similar cost for 30th 40th etc so in our circle it’s normal

Is it in yours as would explain her disappointment otherwise?

And cash for wedding is just standard isn’t it?!

*I don’t get the shock if £300 birthdays

Yes it’s a lot as a gift but almost all my mates had weekends away of similar cost for 30th 40th etc so in our circle it’s normal

Is it in yours as would explain her disappointment otherwise?*

No her circle of friends it is obviously normal, but not with me or my mutual friends. Not sure if that makes sense! A lot of my friends don't know each other. But yes it would explain her anger at her other friends, who she has forked out for over the years. I'm not shocked at the expense, I've been invited to enough things to know that for many this is normal. What isn't normal is to make friends feel bad for not affording to come!

Well, little update for you!

I went to see friend yesterday for an hour. If I'm brutally honest I stopped caring about our argument. I think this is because I've stopped caring as much about our friendship. Had a pleasant chat but I didn't bother bring it up and neither did she. I actually sat there thinking well, I'm not bringing it up and apologising for not coming or checking you're ok. No idea what she was thinking.

So, I think our friendship will settle into "pleasant chat" status rather than proper/trusted friendship.

I've heard from mutual friend that weekend away has now been downgraded to a night out...because so many can't make the weekend...apparently she will be letting us all know this again so we can all come! I think that might be karma.