Is it my responsibility to fix this?

[Dumdumdumdidly]

I have a good friend who I have had for years. I make an effort to pop and have a cup of tea with her at least once a month and would say our friendship is equal in terms of our expectations of each other.

Friend is having a milestone birthday bash. She asked me to set aside the date and I did but when she mentioned it might be a few nights away etc I did tell her that I might not be able to afford it. She was fine with this.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and she confirmed it will be costing in the region of £300 once you take everything into account. I was honest and said I would not be able to participate because of the cost but to have a lovely time. She then went silent on me.

She was weird over text so then I phoned her as I had a suspicion she might be upset. When I phoned, I got a barrage of anger over the fact that I, and others, had cried off from this birthday bash. She tried to back track a bit by saying she knew I had already warned her but she is angry that nobody takes her friendship seriously and she is sick of paying out for others when people won't do it in return. I stayed silent and let her rant, unsure if she was angry with me or the others or the situation. However she said that "it's up to you what you CHOOSE to spend your money on". She doesn't know but I am currently paying £200 a month trying to solve my dh mental health problems and that is why I can't go. She also said she knew this conversation would worry me but whatever and hung up on me (ouch)

I left the conversation feeling pretty stunned. I felt she took all her anger out on me, when I had always been honest. I thought she might cool down and then send me a "sorry for taking it out on you" message but nope, nothing.

I'm swinging between being upset on her behalf that she feels her friends don't care but also feeling bloody angry that she dares take issue with me not spending that ridiculous amount of money! I've never ever asked her to come on an expensive birthday/baby shower/ hen do etc. All those occasions for me have cost peanuts or I have paid!

I'm at a point now where normally I would have contacted her about our next meet up. I'm also invited to her wedding (or am I?).

Is it really my responsibility to contact her first? I'm dreading it. And if I do meet with her, I will tell her how much she hurt me. I'm just sad that she doesn't value me enough to feel anything about the fact that she clearly thinks so little of me. I value her friendship and that is why I'm so upset with her.

How would you approach this? Bite the bullet and meet up? Or wait for her to contact me? Or just accept she clearly believes im a shit friend?

She has not told any of the other friends off for not going to her birthday bash by the way. She has been normal with them. Probably because she took it all out on me!

But she’s not unreasonable to expect all the other mates to go to her big bday esp if she’s paid out and gone on all their big weekends - that’s just rude of them

They can do as they please with their money. She chose to spunk her own on their do's and bashes, it's not a quid pro quo. And it was bitchy to take it all out on hte OP who has never expected her to pay out for her own parties and such.

She's very unreasonable OP, I'd message to tell her I was hurt and disappointed in the way she spoke to me and remind her that whilst you were very sad to hear it is something she has taken so personally, it was not affordable, is an awful lot of money, and you don't have the spare money. Even if you did you shouldn't have to justify what you spend it on to her.

To be honest I'm surprised you managed to listen to that without biting as I'd have snapped at the 'what you CHOOSE to spend your money on'. If you value the friendship I'd communicate the above and ask of there is more going on ahe would like tot alk about- if it's a no or she does more of the same or won't apologise then I'd just leave her to it. She's making her own bed here.

I’d bet money this was a 30th!

A range of responses here!

I can completely understand why she is generally upset but I think she perhaps is putting too much emphasise on how much money people spend = quality of friendship. Also she is forgetting that a lot of these expensive things she went on were before she/we all had kids. I went on an expensive hen do once and learned my lesson and never did it again!

I can also see that perhaps she took it out on me because she felt safer to (rightly or wrongly).

Sigh. If I decline her wedding invite I am basically sticking two fingers up at her without explanation. I think we do need to communicate, even if only for me to get some things off my chest.

Sounds like you want to speak to her, which seems the assertive, adult thing to do, and might want the friendship to continue?

I would contact her, but only to give her a piece of my mind, certainly not to go grovelling which is probably what she expects.

I would make it very clear, that from the outset, you were open and honest about the fact that you probably wouldn't be able to go, due to the cost. It's not like you said yes and then pulled out last minute!

So totally unreasonable of her to explode at you like that. She owes you a massive apology.

I need to see her reaction before continuing the friendship. I have very few friends, I guess if there is an explanation and an apology waiting then I feel I owe it to myself to hear it. I must admit though, I certainly won't be contacting her as often or putting myself out there as a shoulder to cry on. It would still cool our friendship either way.

Well, it's difficult. She's behaved very badly. It does sound like she's damaged the friendship irrevocably. You could try talking to her, but I'd wait a couple of weeks. Let her calm down.

I need to see her reaction before continuing the friendship. I have very few friends,

This jumped out at me because I can relate.

If you had a load of solid friendships aside of this one would you still bother with her?

Sometimes we hang on to friends that no longer serve us or are 'abusive' or the ones that use us when they're bored.

She was put of order and had total lack of empathy- 300 is a lot for a birthday in most people s book - I could take my whole family out with this.

The only saving grace you say is that it's a one off - or a two of if you count the fact she's cancel your next meet up.

It may be the wedding planning is getting to her but you teach people how to treat you so unless she comes back with a sincere apology I would let it go.

Hope your dp is ok.

'Let HER go' that is :)

Definitely leave her stew and cool off by herself, you have absolutely nothing apologise for. £300 for a birthday celebration is ridiculous. What the hell did she gave planned that cost so much money per person. I don't blame people for refusing to go and she shouldn't either.

OP it's not for your to sort this out. Stop. She had a go at you on the phone, she put the phone down on you. She was unfair to you. It's for her to call you, once she's calmed down and to apologise for the way she spoke to you.

If she does, then calmly assert how hurt you felt at her 'tantrum' and explain that even though you would have loved to have celebrated her birthday with her, it wasn't possible due to other financial commitments. That even though you understand why she was upset, it wasn't fair of her to take it out on you. She should then apologise and you choose whether or not to accept the apology and move on.

If you let people treat you badly (her behaviour is shoddy) then they will continue to do it. Please stand your ground here.

Ugh it's still going round in my head. I bet she hasn't dedicated this much worrying time! Thing is, this happened a couple of weeks ago so she has already had time to calm down etc.

Thank you, DH is not ok at all. It has been a very hard year and I feel like my marriage is on the brink to be honest. I need him to be well again, I miss him so much. He is my best friend as well as my husband and I hate seeing him so poorly.

People are right, having few friends doesn't mean I should let them treat me badly.

I'm sorry to hear about your DHs mental health and your marriage. Let's hope that things improve and this is just a blip. I don't know what his MH problems are but perhaps he needs to go back to his GP if there's been no improvement for a medication adjustment.

There's an organisation called Rethink who are very good. They give lots of useful advice and information. Are you getting any support yourself? Sounds like your under the cosh. Lots of good food, fresh air, exercise, yoga etc Look after yourself.

Sit back OP. I know it's hard but she's probably expecting you to go running after her. If she doesn't want to sort it out then it's no loss.

She verbally and emotionally abused you because you couldn't afford her expensive birthday party! She's a spoiled bitch. You don't need a relationship like that. No one does

OP i think you'd be right to attempt to clear the air.

i completely understand that she's in the wrong, but some people are too stubborn to accept they should be the ones reconciling.

she may feel embarassed as well, and while that's not your fault, there's definitely an opportunity to continue being a good friend in making the first move.

i think i would in this scenario. if the conversation continues in a similar vein as the previous one, you'll know to bow out of this friendship for sure.

Honestly, if it was me I would be waiting to see if she contacts me re the wedding invite.
It is definitely up to her to make contact, she ended the phone call not you.

I don't think should divulge his MH issues.

I wouldn't contact her. She owes you an apology and I'd probably reply ss late as possible to the invite, then back away from the friendship after that.

Argh such conflicting opinions! I've decided to not even worry about it for at least another 2weeks.

I've had problems in my family and they come first, not her. I can't believe I'm even wasting time worrying about it!

So I'm parking this and doing nothing until I can be bothered to continue thinking about it. If she wants to text me in the meantime then she can. I've muted the group whatsapp that we are on together because frankly every "normal" message I see from her to others just pisses me off. She can do one until I feel emotionally more able to deal with it

Thank you for all the support

Remember you do not have to explain or justify to her or anyone what you choose to spend your money on.
Concentrate on your dh and own family. But I would consider repeating her rantings to one of the friends she has discussed it with.
And send her a card and a packet of cocktail drinks umbrellas for her honeymoon drinks...

FFS - £300!? To celebrate someone’s birthday? Jesus wept. Even if I could afford it, I wouldn’t do it on principle.

She sounds batshit. Leave her to it.

Money for the honeymoon? CF! Isn't that supposed to be the bridegroom's gift to the bride?

Well if I'm honest I don't care about what they want for a wedding present. Money is easier than a present. But I guess money puts more pressure on us to give more! At least with presents you can buy in the sale and get a bargain but money is a different kettle of fish!

No pressure, just pay what you can afford, if indeed you attend the wedding at all!