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Relationships

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Original poster

I don't know if this is all me, or not?

71 replies

jorja00 · 30/01/2020 11:11

We got back together end of last year after a few months on a break. Since then everything has been going great guns, but a couple of issues recently have made me question things - is it me, is he being unfair etc?

When we were talking about getting back together and having some honest discussions, he opened up and said that he'd felt historically a bit distant from me when I was on my period, as we wouldn't do anything beyond kissing then (admittedly in the last months before our breakup we had pretty much stopped having sex at all, at any time). Neither of us want to have full sex at this time - tbh I have heavy periods, and apologies for tmi but it would be a bloodbath if we did - but I was happy to agree with him we try and be more intimate etc. Another issue we talked about was hand jobs/ oral. I always found it really hard to get him there by hand, I have always liked oral and thought this would get him there if I couldn't by hand but he felt uncomfortable with me doing it (as his Exs before me always refused). So we both agreed we'd try more.

Things have been good since we got back together he's let me do oral a few times but really only in a 69 (which I'm not overly comfortable with, but have tried it). I've also got him there by hand a couple of times. Generally I feel that side of our relationship has been ok, certainly better than it was, and he says the same.

Last week I started my period, so before we next slept together (we don't live together so are only together 3 nights a week) I let him know. Then in bed, I tried using hand and mouth, but it wasn't successful and he asked me to stop.

He said that he felt uncomfortable and awkward not being able to reciprocate and it felt too one-sided, he wanted a more mutual experience. I can understand that, but from my POV, if he says he wants more sex/ intimacy when I'm on my period, he can't have it both ways?

He says that now we are regularly more intimate he 'doesn't mind' nothing happening when I'm on my period. But that's not what he said before, and I've always quite liked doing oral etc in the past so its not all one sided.

Which brings me on to the next issue. Now I completely understand that sex is a really personal thing, one persons turn on does nothing for another, etc. But I've had a fair few partners, and given them all oral successfully and without complaints. However my partner says that my technique 'doesn't work for him'.

While we split up he was seeing someone for casual sex/ as a FWB who was apparently really good at it. So I feel a bit slighted at the comparison, especially as I think the reason he (allegedly) enjoyed it with her was because - I'm not sure how to put this exactly - it was just about sex? As said, his previous Exs always refused oral, and even with me he used to ask how I could bear to do it, and never accepted it might be enjoyable for me...

He says I should accept him critiquing my technique and not take it personally. Am I being too sensitive about this? I don't know but it makes me feel shit, and surely no relationship should do that?

So am I misunderstanding, being too sensitive? Is he being unfair? Do we need to talk about this more? I'm not sure how to explain how I feel to him?

OP posts:

TigerDater · 30/01/2020 11:22

There’s no such thing as too sensitive OP, if it’s a problem for you then you need to tackle it. I would say though that this all sounds a bit mechanical. This is a relationship, not a mutual exchange of sexual gratification. How are things otherwise?

ravenmum · 30/01/2020 11:23

He sounds like incredibly hard work. You can't do it right whatever you try, and are compared negatively to all his exes whatever they did?
Why did you get back together with him?

ravenmum · 30/01/2020 11:24

Mechanical, yes - something's weird. I was thinking that it sounded like he was giving you a work assessment.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/01/2020 11:24

What do you mean by “critiquing”? If he’s telling you your technique is bad and you need to try harder and criticising you in bed, he’s an asshole. If he’s just saying that some things don’t work for him and telling you what he does like, that’s the basis of good sexual communication.

The rest of it, it all sounds just like neither of you are communicating very well and are each getting frustrated because you don’t really understand what the other is saying. I can’t work out who wants what regarding sex on your period, I think you both need to explain better. And you shouldn’t feel shit because the way you do some things doesn’t get him off. That’s just how it is. Rather than focus on all the previous men your technique worked for, just accept it doesn’t work for him and do what does work.

MashedSpud · 30/01/2020 11:31

He’s too much hard work.

Let him sort himself out.

Original poster

jorja00 · 30/01/2020 11:32

Generally things are good - the sex itself is great, better than ever. I lost some weight when we split up and now feel more confident than I have for many years, I used to always be a lights off person but not now, and our sex life has definitely benefitted from that.

He initially said 'your technique just isn't very good' which I think he realised was unkind and said instead that it doesn't work for him, it isn't quite what he wants.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 30/01/2020 11:33

Agree with the poster that said he sounds like hard work.

Heaven forbid he should not have sex for a few days whilst his partner is in pain from her period :/

And if someone's technique doesn't work for you - you tell them how to do it, you don't compare them to some 'brilliant shag'/ ex you had.

Foes he make a habit of comparing you negatively with others like that? Or criticising you?

Unfair? No, if anything it sounds like you are compromising your own boundaries just to keep him happy.

It sounds like it's all about him.

Original poster

jorja00 · 30/01/2020 11:37

And of course he's allowed to say what he wants. But equally he has to be honest with himself about whay he's not enjoying it and barriers hes putting up.

I find it really irritating to be negatively compared with his ex FWB.

OP posts:

Original poster

jorja00 · 30/01/2020 11:42

He's kind of given me some pointers about how to use my hand which I do generally try to do/ have done, with some success. He's never told me anything about oral. Until the 'your technique isn't very good' which he was referring to both hand/oral.

It is kind of making me reconsider the whole relationship because I hate any kind of criticism, but then I think that's really my issue and I need to be more pragmatic?

OP posts:

user142745271 · 30/01/2020 11:42

This is all sounds exhausting.

ravenmum · 30/01/2020 11:44

You tell him what you're OK with and what you like and he doesn't believe you.
He wants you to do more than kiss when you're on your period. But not full sex. But also not oral or a hand job. But he's not going to tell you what it is that he wants. You have to guess and then he will tell you you're wrong.

He's setting you up to fail.

Original poster

jorja00 · 30/01/2020 11:48

When we talked before, we basically agreed that full sex would be off the table when I was on my period but other things wouldn't be.
He's now said he wasn't comfortable with me giving him oral etc without being able to touch me intimately.
And that my technique didn't work for him.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 30/01/2020 11:48

I hate any kind of criticism, but then I think that's really my issue and I need to be more pragmatic
You think you're oversensitive to criticism, and that is making it easier for him to criticise you. That's just as problematic as if you were being oversensitive.

Peopleannoyme · 30/01/2020 11:53

If he can "critique "your technique then he should expect you to be able to "critique"his .....if he doesnt like it .tell him to sod off back to his fwb if shes that good .

mamato3lads · 30/01/2020 11:55

You've tried very very hard and compromised way more than he deserves! He wanted more intimacy- he got it - but now hes complaining about your technique?? Nah. Hes a dickhead mate. If he is having so much trouble cumming when clearly you are trying everything then maybe its HIS problem. Is he attracted to you? Does he get a hard on? If so maybe hes using too much porn? That can lead to a "death grip" where normal hand jobs and oral just dont have the desired effect...they get desensitized. Maybe not, but a thought. I say it because he seems to just keep blaming you, saying its you, when as far as I can see you like a varied sex life and are happy to please him but hes making it all so unsexy and hard work , like it's a fucking work assessment! Is he good in bed? Any complaints ..?

crackingcrackers · 30/01/2020 11:55

He should be saying what he does like, instead of just being negative and shutting you down. You should both be able to. He is being unfair by not doing this. He also doesn't have to like something, as you say we all have our own likes and dislikes. Comparing you to his FWB sounds like he's being a bit cruel though as there's no need for him to go there.

OhMeows · 30/01/2020 11:56

Good grief, buy him a blow up doll.

ravenmum · 30/01/2020 11:58

If he wants it to be more mutual, does that mean he wants to give you oral/hand jobs when you're on your period?

JustHarriet · 30/01/2020 12:24

As pps have pointed out there is a way of asking for what you want that shows you care about the person's feelings, I detect a lack of consideration for your feelings in what you've described and you deserve more.

You are not being unreasonable to feel bad about being compared ufavourably to ex's - that's not a critique, that's a blatant put down.

This appears to be all set up around how you need to be doing more to please him, but as pps have pointed out - it is set up so you can't win. This is the most concerning aspect of what you have described. The fact it is so confusing keeps your attention on him and trying to figure it all out - is it possible this is part of the dynamic? Has it played out with him before?

Original poster

jorja00 · 30/01/2020 12:38

I believe he is attracted to me. He does get hard although was struggling to stay hard last night. He does watch some porn, but only infrequently (it was more when we weren't having sex, he acknowledged that wasn't helpful and since we got back together it is far more infrequent). He does have some issues around getting distracted/losing erection so sometimes uses Viagra. This is the first time there's been an erectile issue since we got back together.

I feel like whatever I say is wrong, but he will say the same. So if I'd pulled him up for saying what he did about my technique, he'd say can he not say he doesn't like something? and that in being over sensitive in my reaction I'm shutting him down and not allowing him to say how he feels which isn't fair.
Equally though it's not fair I end up feeling shitty either.

I don't know how we resolve this?

OP posts:

3rdchristmaslucky · 30/01/2020 12:44

He just doesn't like the way you suck his dick.
So have some experimental time. Spend some time down there, trying different things and find out what works for him. Communicate as you play.

If you had a guy going down on you and just doing an awful job, you'd want them to either not do it or you'd want them to change the technique.

He's being honest with you, he's not being a knob.

Hidingtonothing · 30/01/2020 12:46

It's not supposed to be this difficult OP, I would cut my losses and find someone who doesn't make everything such a battle tbh

timetest · 30/01/2020 12:56

Tell him to get back with his fwb. Next time look for someone who is kind and appreciative.

Spritesobright · 30/01/2020 12:59

3rdchristmas he is absolutely being a knob! He didn't make any constructive suggestions, he just compared her to an ex and called her lacking.
No considerate partner would do that! Agree with pp that he's just setting her up to fail.
You can be intimate and not have PIV with a period. He could kiss and caress other parts of her body. But instead he's just moaning about how he's not getting off.
That is enough to turn anyone off!
Definitely bin him, OP. Your sex life could be SO much better with someone who appreciates your effort.

crackingcrackers · 30/01/2020 13:03

Agreed, it's not supposed to be this difficult. It doesn't sound like he's giving you the option to experiment and find what it right for him. Is he telling you what he does like? If not then you aren't shutting him down, because he's not suggesting anything to shut down. What you are asking for is him not to put you down. He's not trying to improve things by saying your technique doesn't work for him, he's just telling you to give up and of course that's demoralising. Especially when he's told you about the FWB.

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