I don't know if this is all me, or not?

[jorja00]

We got back together end of last year after a few months on a break. Since then everything has been going great guns, but a couple of issues recently have made me question things - is it me, is he being unfair etc?

When we were talking about getting back together and having some honest discussions, he opened up and said that he'd felt historically a bit distant from me when I was on my period, as we wouldn't do anything beyond kissing then (admittedly in the last months before our breakup we had pretty much stopped having sex at all, at any time). Neither of us want to have full sex at this time - tbh I have heavy periods, and apologies for tmi but it would be a bloodbath if we did - but I was happy to agree with him we try and be more intimate etc. Another issue we talked about was hand jobs/ oral. I always found it really hard to get him there by hand, I have always liked oral and thought this would get him there if I couldn't by hand but he felt uncomfortable with me doing it (as his Exs before me always refused). So we both agreed we'd try more.

Things have been good since we got back together he's let me do oral a few times but really only in a 69 (which I'm not overly comfortable with, but have tried it). I've also got him there by hand a couple of times. Generally I feel that side of our relationship has been ok, certainly better than it was, and he says the same.

Last week I started my period, so before we next slept together (we don't live together so are only together 3 nights a week) I let him know. Then in bed, I tried using hand and mouth, but it wasn't successful and he asked me to stop.

He said that he felt uncomfortable and awkward not being able to reciprocate and it felt too one-sided, he wanted a more mutual experience. I can understand that, but from my POV, if he says he wants more sex/ intimacy when I'm on my period, he can't have it both ways?

He says that now we are regularly more intimate he 'doesn't mind' nothing happening when I'm on my period. But that's not what he said before, and I've always quite liked doing oral etc in the past so its not all one sided.

Which brings me on to the next issue. Now I completely understand that sex is a really personal thing, one persons turn on does nothing for another, etc. But I've had a fair few partners, and given them all oral successfully and without complaints. However my partner says that my technique 'doesn't work for him'.

While we split up he was seeing someone for casual sex/ as a FWB who was apparently really good at it. So I feel a bit slighted at the comparison, especially as I think the reason he (allegedly) enjoyed it with her was because - I'm not sure how to put this exactly - it was just about sex? As said, his previous Exs always refused oral, and even with me he used to ask how I could bear to do it, and never accepted it might be enjoyable for me...

He says I should accept him critiquing my technique and not take it personally. Am I being too sensitive about this? I don't know but it makes me feel shit, and surely no relationship should do that?

So am I misunderstanding, being too sensitive? Is he being unfair? Do we need to talk about this more? I'm not sure how to explain how I feel to him?

He compared you to another woman in bed and you think it is you in the wrong. Blimey. Most women would kick him out of bed and into the street instantly. Why the hell would he even do that?!

He resents your period

I'd have shot him out of a canon by now.

You are feeling sensitive because he's saying everything wrongly - now why is that? If he said things in the right, such as " I'd like it if you did it this way" or giving feedback on what is good about what you're doing ( btw usually his response should let you know, so if it's not working try a different way rather than persisting).
None of the above would make someone feel bad, but would help you receive what works. He's chosen to compare you to someone else, rather than give advice. What he is doing is putting you down on purpose and choosing to chip away at your self-esteem and respect so that you will become desperate to do anything to keep him. You are already not far off being his puppet by having him back after he dumped you and then had sex with someone else. I'd say its your turn to dump unless there was more to the first split than him wanting sex elsewhere.
Have faith in yourself, there is no bad technique IME as some men like different things to others, you know you've not had issues before. I suspect he is setting you up and bringing you down because he's actually not as confident as he is making out and he's one of those who likes to tread on others feelings to make themselves feel big and in control -dodgy.

Smells like a man who needs an outlet to hurt you and the old methods have been shut down.

He sounds weirdly hung up about oral, for a start.

'his first comment was 'your technique isn't good' when what he meant was what you're doing isn't working for me.'

Hmm. Surely he should just tell you what she did differently (the whole thing of him putting it in terms of her is so obnoxious!) so you can do it how he likes? People's sexual techniques aren't inflexxible for life-though I personally wouldn't feel like giving a man sex after he'd come out with stuff so rude as this, anyway.

' I know he will not see my POV.'

We can also suffer from this a bit, but if he can't see your POV at all, he's crap at relationships and maybe a bit autistic.

'contacted me to tell me how I couldn't satisfy him in the way she could, and that I shouldn't have begged him to come back'

Ugh

I wonder what he told her about you

Vile creature by the sounds of it

Come on OP. He's comparing you unfavourably to a previous sexual partner, and you're on here wringing your hands about how to "discuss" and "resolve" this with him?

Can't you just find a partner who's not a knob?

You not supposed to plan out how to have a conversation with someone to prevent them from calling you childish, etc. You're supposed to avoid people who call you names and put you down.

He sounds exhausting, petulant and passive-aggressive really. Smells like a man who needs an outlet to hurt you and the old methods have been shut down. < this, with bells on.

OP I read this thinking WTF then I thought this is what someone would say to another person to pass the blame/deflect

I think his ED issues have dented his ego a lot and he’s decided that putting you down about Your technique masks the fact he has ED and takes viagra. Is it a shock he can’t finish after he’s taken viagra? Perhaps not!

I’ve had partners who haven’t enjoyed my oral as much as others have and I will try to change my technique a bit to suit them but both times this happened to me, one had ED issues and that was the real problem and the other was obsessed with holding off orgasm as long as possible and oral made him finish too fast so he would make me stop

OP it's blindingly obvious to me reading this that your DP has massive insecurities and (as has been suggested) suffers from deep psychological issues around shame and sex. Yes, aspects of the Madonna Whore complex are chiming here too.
I don't know what his upbringing was like but his relationship with sex and himself is deeply unhealthy. Most straight healthy men love blow jobs- that's basically a fact! And most healthy youngish males do not need Viagra to maintain erections. The reason he can't stay hard or get turned on enough with blow job / hand job is because of his own shameful thoughts getting in the way. He is then projecting those onto you by giving you the blame, saying it's your technique etc. The FWB gets the positive treatment because she wasn't long term partner material and he probably viewed her as an object from whom he could disengage and not feel the shame. Around you, because you have more of a relationship, he feels that you are looking into him more, and he is not able to be vulnerable with you, so he lashes out at you.

Either way, none of this is your fault. It's unhealthy and it's his responsibility to fix up through honesty, or if that's not possible then through him having therapy for himself. Sex isn't a series of techniques transacted. In healthy couples the sex will improve easily and naturally through mutual ongoing communication in bed, not through endless blame-led conversations.

He sounds like your line manager OP, supervising your performance and pulling you up on it when it's not up to standard. Ask to make notes when he gives you one of his assessments so you can refer to it.

It's ok to tell someone and to show someone what you do and don't like in bed, in fact good communication is the basis of good sex. Too many people fake it so that they don't hurt their partner but this is like sex under laboratory conditions.

"I feel like whatever I say is wrong, but he will say the same. So if I'd pulled him up for saying what he did about my technique, he'd say can he not say he doesn't like something? and that in being over sensitive in my reaction I'm shutting him down and not allowing him to say how he feels which isn't fair.
Equally though it's not fair I end up feeling shitty either.

I don't know how we resolve this?"

I've been in your shoes in that relationship!!! Going around in circles, second guessing his reactions, working hard to figure things out to and knowing deep down it is very unfair. Because it is! Anything you say will be met with blame shifting, distracting, minimising and denying. You are doing all the work and he is taking no responsibility. This is an abusive dynamic.

In your posts you have done a good job of explaining a situation that has a lot of confusion threaded through it, so you are able to communicate just fine. I bet you don't have these communications issues with other people, but all his future partners will encounter the same problem with him because he doesn't use communication in usual way. He uses it to create confusion, keep you hooked in and to make sure he doesn't take any responsibility. It takes two people to resolve an issue. He is not interested in resolving the issue and that is why you will get no resolution.

Can you actually do anything right? He wants to be more intimate during your period so you offered a solution many women just wouldn’t want to and he’s now saying that isn’t good enough either? What does he actually want from you? He sounds like a total dickhead.

@jorja00, you know, it is really nice to feel pampered. My bf is very far from perfect :) - I've thought about chucking it in a few times - but on a regular basis, he will do things purely to make me feel good, with no benefit to him. It's very nice. I hadn't experienced it before, so had never realised what I was missing; an actual positive reason to want to be with that person.

That does make a lot of sense that if he's having trouble getting it up, it's much better for his ego to question your technique.

Like @HopefulRealist, I also found that my communication difficulties magically vanished along with my exh.

I think you decided not to have sex during your period and since then he's realised he would rather have sexual contact mutually not just receiving - which is nice that he doesn't see it selfishly.

I don't like that he is comparing you to previous experiences in bed. That is cruel.

He should just ask if you could try something in a slightly different way.

I think you need to explain how him comparing techniques is hurtful and must stop.

You also need to have a chat how each would like certain things done. This conversation can change and evolve over time. So he or you may say you would like to have X done and then after a short time say X was good but perhaps try Y. It's not it's this way and that's it.

It's very unfair to criticise you and then have a go at you for getting upset. He is being very harsh in his criticism and so it is his fault you're upset.

Imagine you're at work at a new company and your colleague says 'you're not good at this, the last person who had this job was much better'. Most people would be gutted especially when they ask what they're doing wrong and get a vague reply about just doing it the wrong way. Most people respond much better to constructive criticism - your colleague saying 'I'm not sure I've told you before - if you use this program / speak to this person / do the task like this, you might find you have a much better outcome'.

All he is succeeding in doing is making you feel shit, unconfident, and picture another woman in bed with him.

Also as numerous people have said, sex is a two way thing, and you seem to be bending over backwards to do what he wants - is he doing the same?

I agree with the other posters here. It is blindingly obvious that he has issues with sex. It must be so tedious to deal with him. He could at least be honest about what's going on in his head and with his body instead of blaming it all on you and making you feel inferior.

I couldn't stay with him if it was me!

@jorja00

Why is your post about the relationship post reconciliation is only focusing on two sex issues? Just seems like relationship must be more then these two specific but sort of minor issues in the grand scheme of things.
As to the actual issues:

• Oral.... It seems that you like doing it more than he likes receiving it. It doesn’t matter why, history or not - he doesn’t like it in the present. You shouldn’t be trying to change his mind about it just because you want to do it.
• Hand job - it seems that you are in competition with his FWB.... and your bf was a bit insensitive in the way he said it - however - just because your previous men liked what you did - doesn’t mean that the same moves would work the same on him.

Sex should be about equal enjoyment and its best to be open about what and how you both like it.
No need to force oral or hand jobs on him if he doesn’t want them.

@MMomDD OP is only trying to do more oral and hand jobs because he wasn't satisfied with just kissing during her period. She's not forcing him to do anything: she's trying to keep him happy in the only other way she can, as she does not want PIV sex then.

Why did you stop having sex before you split? Were there similar criticisms of you then?

@ravenmum

No - oral is a separate issue. OP clearly says she likes to do it and he is reluctant...
Her words:

‘**Another issue we talked about was hand jobs/ oral. I always found it really hard to get him there by hand, I have always liked oral and thought this would get him there if I couldn't by hand but he felt uncomfortable with me doing it (as his Exs before me always refused). So we both agreed we'd try more. ’

He should be pressured to agreeing to try to like something sexual she wants to do.
If the genders were reversed - the man would I be told to respect his partner more.
So should she.
However it became some issue on which OP feels she needs to prove she is not worse than his FWB.
This isn’t right

He sounds like hard work tbh. I don't see why no sex a few days a month even became an issue.

On the oral... I will say that for me, I've experienced better oral from some guys, than others and if it's not done right for me, I'd sooner they didn't bother.

With all that, I would never say to one guy, that a previous one was better at it.

This reminds me of a man I worked with years ago. His wife had an affair....and after this he said her technique in giving oral changed....something that really triggered him, because he knew the OM taught her this.

Your relationship sounds like too much hard work...