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Original poster

Is this an emotional affair?

51 replies

Atthemoulinrouge · 30/01/2020 08:57

I’ve been with DP for 7 years. Sometimes in the past 7 years I have thought about my ex (not a serious relationship, someone I dated for a few months at uni - but he ended it with me when I was about to say I love you and it really left me in a state), and sometimes I have imagined what my life would have been like with him. I also look him up on social media from time to time. I have never met or spoke to him however. For obvious reasons I didn’t mention any of this to DP, but he has recently found a poem that I wrote a couple of years back about that previous break up, which I deliberately did not show him because I knew he would be angry. He has found the poem and is livid and saying it’s an emotional affair to think about him at all, that I probably think about him in bed (I don’t)... and now I’m really confused! Of course it’s upsetting for someone you’re in a relationship with to be thinking also of someone else, which is WHY I didn’t tell him, but is that really an emotional affair? Can we not have whatever private thoughts and emotions we want?

OP posts:
user1471469606 · 30/01/2020 11:00

No - it’s not an EA - and we shouldn’t ever be punished for thoughts or feelings (or we’d all be in prison!) What matters is that revealing these feelings has left your partner to wonder whether your feelings for him are authentic. That’s the important bit that needs to be repaired by this revelation maybe?

PinkMonkeyBird · 30/01/2020 11:04

No it is definitely not an EA. It's just your own thoughts and feelings, however your DH's feelings are also valid in this. How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot and he was still simpering after an ex?

MikeAlphaMike · 30/01/2020 11:04

No it is not an EA. It's just having had a previous relationship.

misskick · 30/01/2020 11:13

I don't think it's a emotional affair. But you clearly still have feelings for your ex, which must be very hard for your current partner. How would you feel if you found poems about another women. I think your partner is probably hurt and you should be a bit more understanding.

LennyPugGoat · 30/01/2020 11:19

I can understand why he is hurting, imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed.

It’s not an EA, that’s a 2 way street.

Echobelly · 30/01/2020 11:22

It's not an emotional affair and he's misusing the expression. It can't be any kind of affair at all if you've had no contact with the person! It's natural to wonder about people we've been close to. It's also natural, if you are a writer, to write about emotional events, even years later, if that's where your creativity takes you.

mamato3lads · 30/01/2020 12:06

It's not an affair BUT why leave something like that where he could find it was so careless. Private thoughts and feelings are one thing but when you put them down on paper they are no longer harmless. He saw that. He knows how you felt/feel and that's got to hurt immensely.

I'd be devastated if I found a poem like this written by my partner while he was with ME.

Original poster
Atthemoulinrouge · 30/01/2020 12:28

I didn’t leave it lying around. It was on my personal laptop which for me is like a diary

OP posts:
Grafittiqueen · 30/01/2020 14:35

No it's not an emotional affair, but I would be unbelievably devastated to have found that my partner was hankering after an ex to the extent of writing a poem.

dontgobaconmyheart · 30/01/2020 14:55

Not an emotionsl affair no, as the other party has no involvement and you don't speak-but very hurtful for your partner. Most people would be devastated to know their DP is literally pining after someone else and writing poems about themConfused.

Of course it is natural to think of ex's from time to time and so on but there seems nothing healthy about the situation you're in OP- you will have known almost nothing about this person you dated, you barely had the chance to get to know them but perhaps that is the point- you are able to use them to fantasise about different versions of life because you are unhappy with your own. I would seriously consider if therapy might be of benefit. Sabotaging your own life over thoughts of a casual date years ago who never wanted to be with you long term- is a shame.

If you are unhappy with your DP and not in love with him you should leave him, I don't think your relationship will exactly do well after this revelation as I can't see most people letting that go.

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 14:59

Yep, it's an emotional affair because you have feelings (emotions) for this person, wonder what it would be like to be with him, miss him, stalk him online, wrote poems that you still have on you, etc.
Yep it's an emotional affair because you partner now believes (rightly so) that you don't love him...or atleast as much as you love this person.

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 15:02

Besides this, you're still entitled to your feelings but if you want to make your relationship work, you might have to show that you're over this guy (which I doubt you are).

Burn the poem (and while you're at it, try not to write anyother).
Stop stalking him online.
Delete, erase, etc anything of him you've kept and try to get him off your mind and work on focusing on your partner.

This is only if you want to keep your relationship though.
You can't help who you love so don't blame you for loving someone else but yes it's an emotional affair when you're in a relationship and you're actively doing these things.

Teenangels · 30/01/2020 15:03

It’s not an emotional affair, it’s regrets and what ifs. I always wonder about an ex of mine and the what ifs etc.

According to your husband me and Tom Hardy are not only having an emotional affair but I also think about him being naked on bed, Christ only knows what your husband would think about that.

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 15:05

Unless you knew Tom Hardy and had a relationship with him which he broke up just before you said I love you, not the same thing.

thedancingbear · 30/01/2020 15:16

It doesn't matter what you call it. Your DP may be misusing the expression but it's neither here nor there.

How would you feel if he was stalking his exes on social media, writing poems longing for them etc?

Not cool OP.

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 15:22

How would you feel if he was stalking his exes on social media, writing poems longing for them etc?

Yep. Another one of those: Woman does it = Okay. Man does it= He's evil. LTB

Original poster
Atthemoulinrouge · 30/01/2020 15:43

I feel completely devastated reading these responses. Seeing it more from his perspective now. Feel very shit that I’ve hurt him. I do love him - it’s not authentic - but yes at times I’ve thought of an ex. To me the second doesn’t cancel the first one, both have existed together, but maybe this is wrong. I’m on the verge of tears

OP posts:
namechange1041 · 30/01/2020 15:46

I wouldn't call it an EA...but it is weird.

I don't see why you'd keep the poem? It seems as if you're still attached to him and that is obviously not a nice feeling for your DP.
I'd be really hurt by this TBH. Id feel as if I've never been good enough, never as good as the other person.

WTAFFF · 30/01/2020 15:48

I would not be happy at all if my DP had written a poem about another woman whilst we were together.

I genuinely think I would consider ending the relationship. It does sound like you’re not over the other man.

Would counselling help you do you think?

samyeagar · 30/01/2020 16:01

Uggh, this is brutal for your husband. Five years into your relationship with him, you are waxing poetic about a guy you dated for a few months who dumped you even more years ago.

I know real life and all that, but over the seven years, have you ever put in the emotional and physical effort to put pen to paper about your husband?

Babaoreally · 30/01/2020 19:27

I think, OP - that this OM only exists in your head. The relationship never even got to exchanging’I love you’s’ - and yet you’ve carried this candle for some guy who doesn’t know and clearly wouldn’t care. He’s more like an old teddy bear you still take to bed! But you’ve made him out to be your long lost love and tarnished the belief your partner has in the love you share.
But it’s also a bit over the top to describe it as ‘an affair’ - it’s a preoccupation that has diminished your ability to fully commit to someone- and however they found out it’s going to hurt. But this isn’t about what you’ve done - it’s about how you feel, and what is real.

Babaoreally · 30/01/2020 19:30

PS - EVERYONE thinks of an ex every now and then. But writing poems that contain so much emotion that they would jeopardise an actual relationship you are in...? That’s what you could explore maybe?

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 19:48

it’s a preoccupation that has diminished your ability to fully commit to someone

What a mouthful that was.
What a "long arse" way of saying 'emotional affair' and perhaps a rather indirect way of saying "I'd call it anything but an emotional affair because emotional affair bears a heavier connotation".

Babaoreally · 30/01/2020 19:58

@Nothing2doooooo - but it’s NOT an emotional affair, because you can’t seriously have an emotional affair with someone you are not actually in communication with - that’s nonsensical! It’s something that gets in the way, but so can golf, or god or girl guides. It’s not a betrayal in quite the same way - but if it’s secretive and diminishes a relationship then it’s an issue!!

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 20:04

It’s not a betrayal in quite the same way

But it's so a betrayal. He didn't need the other person present to be betrayed because he doesn't know the other person. It only takes the person you know and are in the relationship with to regret being wih you/wish they were with another person/fantasise (not just wonder) about life with another person they know and have had a relationship with and actually look them up and stalk them online, possibly wishing things were different all the way.

What more does it take? The actual getting in touch and declaring undying love (reminds me of another thread here) and having the actual affair?