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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this an emotional affair?

51 replies

Atthemoulinrouge · 30/01/2020 08:57

I’ve been with DP for 7 years. Sometimes in the past 7 years I have thought about my ex (not a serious relationship, someone I dated for a few months at uni - but he ended it with me when I was about to say I love you and it really left me in a state), and sometimes I have imagined what my life would have been like with him. I also look him up on social media from time to time. I have never met or spoke to him however. For obvious reasons I didn’t mention any of this to DP, but he has recently found a poem that I wrote a couple of years back about that previous break up, which I deliberately did not show him because I knew he would be angry. He has found the poem and is livid and saying it’s an emotional affair to think about him at all, that I probably think about him in bed (I don’t)... and now I’m really confused! Of course it’s upsetting for someone you’re in a relationship with to be thinking also of someone else, which is WHY I didn’t tell him, but is that really an emotional affair? Can we not have whatever private thoughts and emotions we want?

OP posts:

AnastasiaBeverleyHills · 30/01/2020 20:05

@Nothing2doooooo

You seem very determined to classify this as an emotional affair and vilify the OP. While her DP may have been hurt by the poem, thoughts are personal. Poems/journals etc are also a constructive way of working through emotions.

Sometimes when we think we are pining for an ex we actually pining for ourselves and who we were and what we feel we've lost in between.

OP it's not an emotional affair however if you are obsessing/fixated on someone from your past then maybe you need to examine what is missing for you now, either personally or in your relationship.

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 20:06

but if it’s secretive and diminishes a relationship then it’s an issue!!

But it was secretive and diminished the relationship. Had he not found out, who knows how far it would have gone.

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 20:07

You seem very determined to classify this as an emotional affair and vilify the OP.

Nope, only determined to call a spade a spade while others may be determined to run rings round something because the OP is a woman.

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 20:08

And I definitely haven't vilified anyone.

flowerpower9087 · 30/01/2020 20:10

I’ve been in your partner’s position here. My DP of almost 9 years has had a “preoccupation” with an ex. Yet he was never even official with this girl, she was just a friend who he developed feelings for, they slept together a few times and then she decided she only saw him as a friend, which left him devastated. He broke all contact with her and never spoke to her again.

I met him 4 years after this. After 6 years of being together and 10 years after their “thing” ended, it became apparent he was regularly stalking her on social media, and had been ever since they ended. He would search for her every single time he went online. He blocked her after I found this out but I’ll always feel second best to a basically nothing relationship.

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 20:12

*While her DP may have been hurt by the poem, thoughts are personal. Poems/journals etc are also a constructive way of working through emotions.

Sometimes when we think we are pining for an ex we actually pining for ourselves and who we were and what we feel we've lost in between.*

The funny thing is I agree with a lot of these things but the lengths some women will go to justify other women's behaviour by being so poetically understanding of what they've done and why they must have done it, while actually condemning the same behaviour in a man, with no mercy.

So I'm just trying to come from a different perspective and call it what it is while not condemning the person.

mamato3lads · 30/01/2020 20:14

Personal laptop / diary / whatever. Doesnt matter what form it was in OP.

The bottom line is you upped the game when you started to document these feelings. They were not just fleeting thoughts and reminisces which we all have....you actually took the time to sit down and document your feelings for this man. This speaks volumes. The feelings clearly run deep. You have been brooding over this man and the evidence is clear as day and right in your husbands face.

I'm sorry but theres no way round this. He has a right to be deeply hurt. I would be.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 30/01/2020 20:14

Not an EA, not unless I am having an EA with Cumberbatch. Your DH is being a twat.

mamato3lads · 30/01/2020 20:15

@RebelWithVerySharpClaws

Do you write love poems about him though?

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 20:17

Again, unless you personally know Cumberbatch and have been in a relationship with him in the past (which I think is the main reason for OP's EA issue), then not the same thing.

mamato3lads · 30/01/2020 20:19

Agreed. Its personal, which is why it would be so hurtful to read.

Elieza · 30/01/2020 20:23

Why did your husband read your ‘diary’? Was he looking for something because he felt your relationship with him wasn’t right?

AnastasiaBeverleyHills · 30/01/2020 20:25

@Nothing2doooooo

I (Genuinely) would say the same if a man had posted this. I 100% agree with you on your point about people on MN going out of their way to defend someone because they're a woman but then screaming LTB when a man does the same thing (whatever it may be) I apologise for saying you vilified her. You didn't. I still don't believe it was an emotional affair. I (And I know many of my friends as we've discussed this in the past) would have a "one that got away" or similar. Sometimes I do wonder what he's doing. I don't think that means I'm having an EA. As someone who is creative I have also written part fictional essays about past loves. I have shown these to my partner and he knows all about my past and exes and who these stories are about. Maybe it's because I do produce a lot of writing that this is ok with us. Maybe it's because I am open with these things. Maybe me and my DP are weirdos!

NChangeForNoReason · 30/01/2020 20:29

Crikey - people really need to lighten up!!!

Ok ... so U think about an ex and u wrote a poem about the break up. U were hurt and were trying to find closure in a PRIVATE way. U didn't wave it in his face, u left it on your own laptop which u use to journal things.

Sounds like ur DP went looking for something and read something he didn't like ... he shouldn't have been looking through ur stuff

If he read ur diary everyone would be in uproar about him invading ur privacy - why is this any different?!?

An emotional affair is when a person not only invests more of their emotional energy outside their marriage but also receives emotional support and companionship from the new relationship. In an emotional affair, a person feels closer to the other party and may experience increasing sexual tension or chemistry

The other guy doesn't even know u think about him never mind provide u with emotional support - u are not having an emotional affair and I would have serious words with ur DP about going through ur stuff!!

misspiggy19 · 30/01/2020 20:30

**How would you feel if he was stalking his exes on social media, writing poems longing for them etc?

Yep. Another one of those: Woman does it = Okay. Man does it= He's evil. LTB**

^Thid

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 20:34

Fair enough. Apology accepted but not necessary

However at the risk of sounding like a broken record (that ship may have sailed ), your case is somewhat different to OP's.

Sometimes I do wonder what he's doing. I don't think that means I'm having an EA.

No it doesn't. It's 'normal' to wonder. OP fantasised and stalked. Went past "Wondering Avenue" there.

As someone who is creative I have also written part fictional essays about past loves. I have shown these to my partner and he knows all about my past and exes and who these stories are about.

You shared in a fictional sort of way. Your past influenced your stories. Again, 'normal'. OP didn't share. She got caught with whatever it is she must have written that was real and heavy enough to cause this fight and doubt.

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 20:36

@AnastasiaBeverleyHills

VenusTiger · 30/01/2020 20:42

Angry and livid - I don't think that's fair. Upset and betrayed maybe. If I was in his shoes I'd feel upset that you still had feelings for him, or some kind of longing for him as he dumped you and you've obviously never got over it. If your thoughts hadn't been written down hed never know I take it?
I think you need to destroy the old feelings about him, as in delete the poem etc. apologise to him and move on.

Still don't think he has a right to be angry though

Original poster

Atthemoulinrouge · 30/01/2020 20:43

@nothing2doooooo - it was a partly fictional story, about the upset I felt at the time of the breakup, about my drinking problem at that time when I was 20, and various other issues. I don’t think I “stalk” the other man as such - I sometimes have a look at his Instagram. I feel sad about how I’ve been portrayed on this thread, as though I am a total bunny boiler tracking his actions or something. It’s just something I never had closure on, I am a writer who YES has written also about relationship with DP, and I really explored it all in that piece. But appreciate your opinion anyway, it has helped me to really see how hurtful this has been for him as before answers on this thread I just couldn’t see it. Appreciate all your opinions

OP posts:

Original poster

Atthemoulinrouge · 30/01/2020 20:45

And yes as others have said it’s less about the man, more the feelings it provoked in me at the time. First time I had ever been dumped, it left me v emotional and sometimes when I feel emotional again I feel I am back in that place, and I think of all the other things that made me feel that way, that relationship being one of them

OP posts:

Time40 · 30/01/2020 20:45

I didn’t leave it lying around. It was on my personal laptop which for me is like a diary

What was your DP doing reading your personal laptop, OP? That sounds like prying to me. I'd go ballistic if my DP read my personal writings.

Saxineno · 30/01/2020 20:49

i finished with someone, to be with my DH. I knew I was meant to be with DH and was in love with him, but still had feelings for this other person. I am still friends with him on facebook, he married a friend so we all keep in touch and occasionally have a little thought about him and what if's and things, but I would never ever act on them, so don't consider it an EA, it's just a bit of a crush that never went away.
I'd never want DH to know I still had a crush on ex though, it would really hurt him I think, even though I can't help it.

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 20:53

@Atthemoulinrouge I apologise for the incessant use of the word "stalking" though. I didn't mean it in a "crazy fan" type of way but more in a 'constantly checking up on him, which makes it impossible for you to move on' type of way.

I don't think you're a crazy person. Sorry

I have stalked a lost love that way myself before (but not while in a relationship though) and it was only when I finally accepted and used the word stalking to describe what I was doing, was I able to get myself to stop. No one likes to be a stalker unless you're actually A STALKER. Before, to me it was only an innocent check in every now and then to see how he's doing (but it was addictive and literally stalking).

It's good you can see this from his POV though. I hope your relationship is sorted.

Original poster

Atthemoulinrouge · 30/01/2020 21:08

@Nothing2doooooo thank you - I get where you we’re coming from. You’re right as I hate to think of myself as a stalker and it’s really made me rethink my actions. I actually feel a bit creepy.

Sorry everyone, feel very drained today and don’t make much sense.

OP posts:

Nothing2doooooo · 30/01/2020 21:11

You're alright

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