Not Sexually Attracted

[no675]

Hello, this may be a long one but I will try be as concise as possible.

Whilst I know and fully appreciate sex is not what makes a long term relationship good or not, I am concerned that I don't have any sexual attraction to my partner of 7 years and father of my 5 year old daughter.

I have been driving myself round the bend with this. I don't know what to do.

Basically, if it wasn't for the sex, we would be the perfect partnership.

We love and communicate well.

We are on the same wave length, mentally and spirtitually,

We are on the same page with our parenting and social life

We are affectionate and make each other laugh

We support eachother in every possible (apart from the sex)

Now the reason there is no sex is because of me. It is my fault. he is up for it and looks after himself, he is also not pushy even after I have been honest with him (more of that later)

Basically, when we got together the sex was never wow, it was bearable at best! But I put up with it because I liked him so much... we connect mentally and emotionally like nothing I have experienced before, even after all these years. So I assumed it would pick up in time, which it didn't. However, I didn't mind, I carried on as I knew it was a need he had and if I stimulated myself during it, I could bring myself to orgasm. It was still not very often we would have sex though (maybe once a month) Baby was an accidental pregnancy whilst I was on the pill.

Now, over the past year I have been having therapy and become more aware of my needs and desires. And literally over night, I decided I wouldn't have sex with him anymore cause I didn't like it... (I know, very harsh) But it was such a viseral reaction, I couldn't deny it. I have tried to fight it and the more I do the worse it gets. A couple of months i go, I sat down with him and brought up how i felt. I was totally honest. He was so hurt, it broke my heart in a way I have never experiences before, like every bone in my body was shattering. We very almost split. I told him I wanted him to be sexually fulfilled so I would understand if he left me. but he wants to work at it.

We are currently working at it, but I don't know if it is my ego, but the it's just getting worse and worse the more I try. We are doing a connection excersize that my therapist has taught me and it's just mortifiying. I woulfd rather just have sex and tick it off. than do these cringy 'desire building' exersizes because although I have a massive sex drive. I don't have it for him. So why try and force myself, for me that is worse than if we just cut to the chase, then at least one of us would be happy. And at least I would be being honest with myself. e.g 'I don't like this, but we have to sacrifice for the ones we love'

I am so confused. I am 31, high sex drive, I day dream about sex all the time and masterbate almost daily.

I would love for us both to be sexually fulfulled and also have considered an open relationship, but it's not for me. As I only want to have sex with a person that I am emotionally, mentally and sexually attracted to. I can't separate them. And I like the idea of one person. I just wish it could be my partner. I hate that I can't meet his needs and beat myself up for it every day.

Please be blunt with me. AM i being selfish? Do I need a good shake.

Say it as it is.

Thank you.

PS. so good to get this out !!!!

So is it just that you don't fancy him and never really have or that the sex itself is a turn off...If it something he does or doesn't do? Is he not manly enough...too 'nice?

Do you find him physically attractive in any way? Have you ever? Or has he just been more of a friend you have coparented with?

Can I ask what about the sex is unsatisfactory? Have you considered a sex therapist?

It's not that I have 'gone off' him or find him 'boring'. I never found him 'hot' or 'sexy'. I don't value that in a partner, hence why we got together in the first place and why we still, otherwise have a very strong relationship. Everyone around me were going for looks and sex appeal. And I went for personality and charm. Connection and mental stimulation. Sex was never good, but I didn't mind cause the other stuff made up for it.

The problem now it that I went from being able to put up with it for the 'greater good' to feeling like needles are going through my body whenever he touches me. This is a physical, visceral reaction. No matter how much I try to 'think' myself out of it, I can't. It just gets worse. I am stuck.

Also, he has told me countless times he stills finds me very arousing and sexy, even when I am crying and upset and he gives me a cuddle, he gets a hard on. He says its never been an issue for him.

I am currently seeing a sex therapist and the excersizes she is setting is making it worse.... but maybe in time they will help... I don't know.

Sorry, I'm trying to understand. Is it that you aren't sexually attracted to him (are you sexually attracted to other people?) or that there is something in particular causing the sex to fall short?

Does he not bring you close to orgasm? Does he have a small penis?

@3rdchristmaslucky - The thing that makes it unbearable, I guess.... is that i see him as a family member, as in my brother wanting to have sex with me, so it is like trying to develop chemistry for my brother, Even the thought of him desiring me makes me feel very uncomfortable. I would have to block it out, which I guess I could do with practise, the mind is a powerful organism.

My partner also confessed to me a few years ago that he is bi sexual and has been with male prositutues before me. I always knew about him being bi, but not the males prositutes. And I am ashamed to admit it. But that does put me off. I don't judge him for it, and whilst it isn't completely what killed it, it hasn't helped matters..

Also -

Thank you everyone for your responses by the way.

I was in this situation, I had an affair and left because I couldn't find him sexually attractive again so I had to leave

@WanderingLost167 do you feel you made the right choice? Did he found out about it? Did you have kids? How did they cope?

Sorry for all the questions

There’s no point going to a sex therapist. There just isn’t. You don’t find him sexually attractive and never have - it’s not as if you can “rediscover” how you used to feel, it was never there. You made a shitty decision for both of you by deciding to stay in a relationship with somebody you didn’t fancy and didn’t enjoy sex with, but there’s no point torturing either of you by staying any longer and you pretending your feelings might change if you go for therapy. Honestly, that’s just cruel to him. Separate, be good co-parents, give both of you the opportunity to find people you’re more compatible with. Sex is important and as you’ve discovered, no amount of intellectual connection can make up for it.

So he used male prostitutes and didn't tell you before you had sex with him, both using the bodies of the vulnerable and also putting your sexual health (and the health of your baby) at risk? Further, your upset and distress is apparently a turn on for him?

Is it possible that his nice guy act is in fact just an act, that his charm is actually "glibness" and that you are repelled because on a subconscious level you've worked out what you're really dealing with - an enormous creep?

I would find a different therapist OP- this sounds like it is making it worse rather than helping.

Are you sexually attracted and sexually interested in other people? If not I would have a look online into the asexuality spectrum and see if any of what you read resonates.

If you aren't attracted to someone in that way, stop forcing yourself to sleep with them.

Of course asexual people can have romantic relationships, but they make sure the other person is on the same page with regards to sex. Perhaps you are a hetro-romantic greysexual or something fancy like that - or perhaps you just don't fancy him.

Either way there is nothing wrong with you. But there is something wrong with sleeping with someone you don't fancy and don't enjoy sleeping with.

Why on earth you are seeing a sex therapist is beyond me. Not everyone enjoys sex. Not everyone enjoys sex with everyone else. Stop trying to force yourself to be something you aren't and accept who you are.

This is so sad and very harsh to say, but I think you are wasting your time trying to fix this. I think for you, with a strong sex drive, will live your life feeling cheated and unfulfilled and sad if you stay. I really dount you will be able to change how you feel not matter what therapy.

I guess you have to weigh up whether the split and upheaval is worth it for the kids... I am in 2 minds about this but if mum is not happy, then they will clock it. And you are still very young. Oh, it's so hard. I really feel for you. Xx

It sounds like you've got "The Ick" and that's very hard to come back from. I totally understand what you mean when you say it is like trying to muster up attraction for a brother-figure.
Unfortunately OP, I think you may need to face facts that the relationship is on its way out. Maybe the best course of action is for you both to attend counselling or mediation in the efforts of having a civil separation. You both deserve to find relationships which fulfil you on all levels.

I'm not sure anyone can really offer advice until you've answered whether or not your lack of sexual desire is exclusively with your DH or if you've never had sexual attraction for anyone. This is very important.

The thing that stands out for me is how often you masturbate. Can you try to give that up to see if your sexual desire returns. Can you not imagine making love to your husband in that you can show him how much you love him by giving yourself mentally and physically to him.

Have you tried watching porn together, role play or toys?

I hope you find a solution x

I can’t work out how you say you have a massive sex drive but you didn’t look for ‘hot’ or ‘sexy’ as an important quality in a partner. You chose the wrong man.

OP, I think you are flogging a dead horse.

Also I wouldn't minimise his using male prostitutes.....wtf......what a turn off.

Stop beating yourself up over this.

@no675 okay that makes it more understandable.

Did you feel this way from the start? You said that the sex has always been bad but you were able to get yourself off. So is the feeling like you're trying to have sex with your brother a new development?

Honestly this sounds like it's beyond sex. It sounds as though you've fallen out of love with him. You still love him and care deeply for him, but you're not in love.

I'm not sure that's something a relationship can come back from.

I think you might be done with this relationship, reflected in your comments, and are looking for reassurance that you're not being the bad guy.

You've been great in openly communicating with him and you've shown that you have tried.

I'd suggest deciding whether or not you want to waste more time trying to breathe life into this corpse or if you want to make a break now before things get worse.

Talk to him, tell him you don't feel as though it's working and that you want to feel fulfilled in life. Focus on co-parenting and go forward with compassion.

Sometimes relationships don't work out.

I had an affair and fell in love, and when it ended I knew there was nothing left of my marriage worth saving. I wanted sex, just not with DH. Yes I have kids, and I moved out not long ago. Scary, uncertain but the right choice.

I don't think you're ever going to find him attractive.

I've been married twice. The first time around, I lost attraction for my H. Not sure when exactly it happened, but I did find out he cheated on me with up to 10 women, so I suspect it was a reaction to that. Although, if I'm honest, there were things about his body that I never had liked (short man, not very strong etc).

My current husband is very tall, broad shoulders, very strong, and I am far more attracted to him, than first H. We've been together for 12 years as well, so it's nothing to do with the relationship being in its early stages. I still would be happy to have sex with him daily.

My partner also confessed to me a few years ago that he is bi sexual and has been with male prostitutes before me. I always knew about him being bi, but not the males prostitutes

I think this may have something to do with your current state of mind. There is no way I would be with a bi-sexual man. The thought of my H shagging another bloke would make me ill (sorry). Adding in the prostitute use makes it even worse. I wonder if your body has simply shut down to him, because you are in fact grossed out by the things he was capable of doing, before you were together?

Perhaps you are in self preservation mode? I wouldn't feel secure in my relationship, if I knew that :

a) my H was capable of buying sex

b) my H had a sexual desire (men) that I could never fulfill

Sadly, I think you may need to move on. Which always seems scary, but when I left my first H, we'd been together for 20 years (got together very young), and I did indeed move on and marry my now lovely H.

I would also say, that the thought of having to have sex with my first H, actually makes my skin crawl. There is no amount of therapy/counselling that could change that for me.

You don’t fancy him. It’s just not there. You can’t educate yourself into it! Aren’t you better off being best friends who separately co-parent? I know you say all the things have to be there eh emotions etc but you never had the oomph with your fella. If you never had it then when times are tough you haven’t even got the memory of it. You really need to go find the person who does it for you. It’s fairer to him too. You’re saddling him with a wife who isn’t interested. It’s a sad life for both of you!

Is he bad in bed?