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Original poster

Not Sexually Attracted

56 replies

no675 · 29/01/2020 12:02

Hello, this may be a long one but I will try be as concise as possible.

Whilst I know and fully appreciate sex is not what makes a long term relationship good or not, I am concerned that I don't have any sexual attraction to my partner of 7 years and father of my 5 year old daughter.

I have been driving myself round the bend with this. I don't know what to do.

Basically, if it wasn't for the sex, we would be the perfect partnership.

We love and communicate well.

We are on the same wave length, mentally and spirtitually,

We are on the same page with our parenting and social life

We are affectionate and make each other laugh

We support eachother in every possible (apart from the sex)

Now the reason there is no sex is because of me. It is my fault. he is up for it and looks after himself, he is also not pushy even after I have been honest with him (more of that later)

Basically, when we got together the sex was never wow, it was bearable at best! But I put up with it because I liked him so much... we connect mentally and emotionally like nothing I have experienced before, even after all these years. So I assumed it would pick up in time, which it didn't. However, I didn't mind, I carried on as I knew it was a need he had and if I stimulated myself during it, I could bring myself to orgasm. It was still not very often we would have sex though (maybe once a month) Baby was an accidental pregnancy whilst I was on the pill.

Now, over the past year I have been having therapy and become more aware of my needs and desires. And literally over night, I decided I wouldn't have sex with him anymore cause I didn't like it... (I know, very harsh) But it was such a viseral reaction, I couldn't deny it. I have tried to fight it and the more I do the worse it gets. A couple of months i go, I sat down with him and brought up how i felt. I was totally honest. He was so hurt, it broke my heart in a way I have never experiences before, like every bone in my body was shattering. We very almost split. I told him I wanted him to be sexually fulfilled so I would understand if he left me. but he wants to work at it.

We are currently working at it, but I don't know if it is my ego, but the it's just getting worse and worse the more I try. We are doing a connection excersize that my therapist has taught me and it's just mortifiying. I woulfd rather just have sex and tick it off. than do these cringy 'desire building' exersizes because although I have a massive sex drive. I don't have it for him. So why try and force myself, for me that is worse than if we just cut to the chase, then at least one of us would be happy. And at least I would be being honest with myself. e.g 'I don't like this, but we have to sacrifice for the ones we love'

I am so confused. I am 31, high sex drive, I day dream about sex all the time and masterbate almost daily.

I would love for us both to be sexually fulfulled and also have considered an open relationship, but it's not for me. As I only want to have sex with a person that I am emotionally, mentally and sexually attracted to. I can't separate them. And I like the idea of one person. I just wish it could be my partner. I hate that I can't meet his needs and beat myself up for it every day.

Please be blunt with me. AM i being selfish? Do I need a good shake.

Say it as it is.

Thank you.

PS. so good to get this out !!!!

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 29/01/2020 14:47

I wouldn't want to have sex with a man who had been to prostitutes and/or slept with men, either.

The good thing is that he's a nice guy so can you assume he'd remain a good father and co-parent?

GidgetGirl · 29/01/2020 14:54

I understand the agony of being in that situation.. I was with my ex for seven years and i loved him deeply. He was my best friend, and everything about our relationship was perfect. He was my best friend and the only man I could envisage spending the rest of my life with. Except I didn’t really fancy him, and just couldn’t summon up any sexual desire for him.

Long story short - we broke up after I met someone I REALLY fancied. It was incredibly hard, obviously, and for a while it honestly felt like my world had ended. But now I know it was 100% the right decision.. Years later, there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind. We could never have made each other truly happy - I was unfulfilled, and he was rejected. The rest of the relationship did a good job masking the one huge issue we had, but it was so toxic it was eating away at us slowly.

We’re both with new partners now and both very happy.

RLEOM · 29/01/2020 14:59

I always said sex wasn't everything in a relationship... that was until I met my ex. He was selfish - never attempted to make me climax, his doodah was small, he had ED due to a porn addiction, and we never felt connected. It was crap. But on all other levels I adored him, wanted to marry him and I've never felt that for anyone. And I fancied him like mad!!! Oh, gosh, he was so beautiful and sexy. sigh

I didn't leave him because of it but I know it would've made me miserable in the long run. I felt ugly and unsatisfied. And if you don't even fancy him, what's the point?

Opentooffers · 29/01/2020 15:12

He's bisexual and used male prostitutes !!!
There you have it, that would be enough to put most people off him. A major admission from him well down the line of your relationship. I think stop trying to get therapy to try and fix this as no amount of therapy is going to undo what he's said and done, or change his orientation, which while he's entitled to, doesn't mean to say you are not personally allowed to be turned off by it. You don't have to be cool about his past.

Interestedwoman · 29/01/2020 15:56

'Also, he has told me countless times he stills finds me very arousing and sexy, even when I am crying and upset and he gives me a cuddle, he gets a hard on.'

Noo. Maybe he can't help it, but that'd still be unpleasant for me if I didn't fancy him.

I am currently seeing a sex therapist and the excersizes she is setting is making it worse.... but maybe in time they will help... I don't know.'

I don't think you should do that, although I suppose it's worth a go. There's nothing wrong with you sexually that you need to see a therapist about. You just don't fancy him. This is like trying to have 'conversion therapy' to try and make yourself feel/do something sexually which in and of yourself (other than a sense of obligation/desire to make it work) you don't want. It's like trying to turn from gay to straight. It'll just tie you in knots. But try it if you feel you have to.

Male prostitutes! I'm bi but if a partner had done that, it would gross me out a bit too. It's just sleazy. I don't think your reaction is unreasonable.

user1481840227 · 29/01/2020 16:03

How honest have you been with the sex therapist?

No matter how many exercises you have been given once you see them as a kind of brother you won't ever be sexually attracted to them.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 29/01/2020 16:09

This happened to me but no kids.We separated after we'd been together 9 years,married for 8.Thought of having sex with him made me freak out and cringe.Im now re married to someone I definitely want to have sex with!

DearHappy · 29/01/2020 16:13

The prostitutes confession was a few years ago but op says the sex was always bad.

Branleuse · 29/01/2020 16:14

You need to stop stringing him along and accept that you see him as a friend and not a lover. Thats not a sustainable relationship if one person unilaterally decides that theyre both celibate now forever.
Plus, if you actually do have a sex drive and are not actually asexual, then youll end up having an affair or leaving as soon as you find someone you do fancy, so you are better off sorting this now instead of waiting till something better comes along

Sagradafamiliar · 29/01/2020 17:00

You have the makings of a good co-parenting relationship. I really don't think you have much to lose by ending the relationship and staying friends. You can't carry on being with a romantic partner when the idea of sleeping with him viscerally repulses you.

Hopoindown31 · 29/01/2020 17:08

You picked a man who would make a great friend and deceived yourself that he can be your romantic partner. It never, ever works long term.

Given that you haven't lost the spark but never had it I think that it is going to be difficult to make a future for your relationship unless you can find a way to be happy with what you have got.

Sounds like a tough time ahead I'm afraid and I hope it doesn't impact on your child too much.

ukgift2016 · 30/01/2020 14:45

You have got the ick.

I would never be with a man who shagged other men, especially those who paid for male prostitutes.

ravenmum · 30/01/2020 15:00

I decided I wouldn't have sex with him anymore ... I am 31, high sex drive, I day dream about sex all the time and masterbate almost daily. I would love for us both to be sexually fulfulled and also have considered an open relationship, but it's not for me.
Seems your only remaining options are to give up on sex and both be unhappy, or break up.

I would understand if he left me. but he wants to work at it
Why are you telling him that he has to end the relationship? Seems quite unfair when you're the one with the issue.

GravityFalls · 30/01/2020 15:08

You picked a man who would make a great friend and deceived yourself that he can be your romantic partner. It never, ever works long term.

And yet women get told on here ALL THE TIME that they shouldn't bin people off if there's no spark, that chemistry isn't everything, that sex is a small part of a relationship, that friendship and dependability is more important...it's not true! You need sexual attraction and good sex. If it isn't good at the start it probably won't ever be. You can't get back what you never had.

SoUnsettled2 · 30/01/2020 15:49

I totally understand where you are coming from - I feel exactly the same. I’ve become involved with someone, first online and now I’m reality and BOY has he made me see things differently and has made me realise why I’ve been so unhappy.
As a result, I’m ending our 21 year marriage this summer (after my eldest has sat exams). He will be devastated but we haven’t had sex in years! He’s older than me (10 years) and just no connection either. I feel bad but know I will suffer more if I stay. I’ve moved south part of the week with my job to help me make sense of things but I know I’m not happy and can’t continue to live a lie.
Life is too short!

SoUnsettled2 · 30/01/2020 15:50

PS. We’re good friends! That’s all! I’ve realised that!

Branleuse · 30/01/2020 16:19

@GravityFalls that is certainly not a consensus on mumsnet at all that women should give men a chance they dont fancy.

CandyFlossSkies · 30/01/2020 17:07

If you're having such a visceral reaction, I'm concerned that you are going to start traumatising yourself if you carry on, or you're going to have a panic attack one day. Your mind should associate sex with physical and emotional pleasure. I would so shocked if I found out my other half had used prostitutes.

Original poster
no675 · 04/02/2020 11:43

Thank you everyone so much for your kind and thoughtful responses. So much wisdom in this group, I am bowled over by it all. I do feel better and have some more clarity. Thank you endlessly. You're all stars... :-)

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/02/2020 11:52

IME, once you're physically repulsed by your partner it's game over. Don't waste any more time, you both deserve to find someone who desires you and you them.

Tbh finding out my bloke had shagged men would give me the ick as well.

WanderingLost167 · 04/02/2020 12:49

You have the ick, there's no way back.

managedmis · 04/02/2020 12:54

Yup, it's the ick.

Jane1978xx · 04/02/2020 14:18

You are married to a good friend. You are young you need to move on and find a man who satisfies you. This has happened for me but I’m 10 years older now and my ex h hates me. Move on now with a best friend to co parent with and meet someone else soon in the best years of your life

Original poster
no675 · 05/02/2020 10:29

Thank you... In my head I know and appreciate all this. And that I will never develop those kinds of feelings again.

Doesn't stop me from feeling selfish though. Because he still has feelings and desire for me.

How can I break up and disrupt my 5 year old daughter's life? For the sake of a sex lifee.... Feels so wrong.

I am truly stuck.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/02/2020 11:58

You really need a heart to heart with your husband. It's not his fault and he really deserves to be with someone who desires him. Just as you do OP.

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