Not Sexually Attracted

[no675]

Hello, this may be a long one but I will try be as concise as possible.

Whilst I know and fully appreciate sex is not what makes a long term relationship good or not, I am concerned that I don't have any sexual attraction to my partner of 7 years and father of my 5 year old daughter.

I have been driving myself round the bend with this. I don't know what to do.

Basically, if it wasn't for the sex, we would be the perfect partnership.

We love and communicate well.

We are on the same wave length, mentally and spirtitually,

We are on the same page with our parenting and social life

We are affectionate and make each other laugh

We support eachother in every possible (apart from the sex)

Now the reason there is no sex is because of me. It is my fault. he is up for it and looks after himself, he is also not pushy even after I have been honest with him (more of that later)

Basically, when we got together the sex was never wow, it was bearable at best! But I put up with it because I liked him so much... we connect mentally and emotionally like nothing I have experienced before, even after all these years. So I assumed it would pick up in time, which it didn't. However, I didn't mind, I carried on as I knew it was a need he had and if I stimulated myself during it, I could bring myself to orgasm. It was still not very often we would have sex though (maybe once a month) Baby was an accidental pregnancy whilst I was on the pill.

Now, over the past year I have been having therapy and become more aware of my needs and desires. And literally over night, I decided I wouldn't have sex with him anymore cause I didn't like it... (I know, very harsh) But it was such a viseral reaction, I couldn't deny it. I have tried to fight it and the more I do the worse it gets. A couple of months i go, I sat down with him and brought up how i felt. I was totally honest. He was so hurt, it broke my heart in a way I have never experiences before, like every bone in my body was shattering. We very almost split. I told him I wanted him to be sexually fulfilled so I would understand if he left me. but he wants to work at it.

We are currently working at it, but I don't know if it is my ego, but the it's just getting worse and worse the more I try. We are doing a connection excersize that my therapist has taught me and it's just mortifiying. I woulfd rather just have sex and tick it off. than do these cringy 'desire building' exersizes because although I have a massive sex drive. I don't have it for him. So why try and force myself, for me that is worse than if we just cut to the chase, then at least one of us would be happy. And at least I would be being honest with myself. e.g 'I don't like this, but we have to sacrifice for the ones we love'

I am so confused. I am 31, high sex drive, I day dream about sex all the time and masterbate almost daily.

I would love for us both to be sexually fulfulled and also have considered an open relationship, but it's not for me. As I only want to have sex with a person that I am emotionally, mentally and sexually attracted to. I can't separate them. And I like the idea of one person. I just wish it could be my partner. I hate that I can't meet his needs and beat myself up for it every day.

Please be blunt with me. AM i being selfish? Do I need a good shake.

Say it as it is.

Thank you.

PS. so good to get this out !!!!

The marriage won’t last for the whole of her life as there will be resentment that will come thru somehow. You still get on with her dad and can coparent and do things together even and she will adapt a lot better now than at the age of 10/11

OP - you have to make choices and you can’t optimise all of your needs.

• Either you stay and:

... Keep making yourself have sex ... Let him have sex with others, while you give up on sex as you need ‘connection’ ... Try to both have sex with others - and you get over your idea that you need a ‘connection’, at least for the short term while your child is small

• You break up

Your child is small and with good will between parents kids adjust to co-parenting.

Basically your choice is to either try to preserve the family unit or prioritise your needs. Can’t do both simultaneously, but any choice is workable.

I really relate to this OP and feel for you
Have you had many sexual partners? Have you enjoyed sex with other long term partners before?
Hopefully the sex therapist or other counsellor could help you explore if it’s something about him and your chemistry or lack of, or if it’s more of an issue for you arising from your history or something.

I’m in a similar position although I have only ever slept with my DH so I don’t know if I just am not very keen on sex, or if it’s just sex with him I’m not keen on.

We also have plenty of other issues and I’m not sure if we will make it anyway

But when things were better in other respects I was happy (ish) to ‘go through the motions’ once a week or whatever because I knew it was important to him.
That does get soul destroying at some point though.
I’d hate to do loads of build up and fore play stuff that you mentioned the therapist suggested - would much rather get it over and done with! 😂

How are you doing, OP? Does your relationship feel more like friends than lovers? Do you get butterflies with others/have you in the past.

Life is long but these decisions are so hard

How are you doing, OP? Does your relationship feel more like friends than lovers? Do you get butterflies with others/have you in the past.

Life is long but these decisions are so hard

I am so sorry you're going through this OP - it's a horrible thing.
It seems to me that you have two choices: 1) stay together in a platonic relationship (you mustn't force yourself to have sex with someone you don't really want to) or simply a co-parenting type of scenario; or 2) separate.