Why I was outed

[Cachoo]

10 years ago, I was completely outed by a very large group of females at work. I went from being invited to all the social gatherings to none over night. It played havoc with my mental health for a long time.
I still have to see the large group of women through work even though I left that particular role 2 years ago. I have to liaise with them very briefly.
I am still friends with our then-manager and after recently catching up with her, I disvovered why I was outed. I guess I'm looking for a bit of perspective so I can lay it all to rest and move on.
So it turns out, that 10 years ago when I was with my then boyfriend, my phone accidentally called a member of the group... whilst we were having sex!! 😯
I vaguely remember her saying I'd called her accidentally at the weekend and I shrugged it off thinking nothing of it- I do remember though that we were away in a hotel that weekend and yes, there was lots of well... you know. So it is probably correct.
The lady in question hasn't actually made much eye contact with me since and has been very cold- an older, church abiding lady with a heart of gold. She must have told someone and well, the rumour spread. I wasn't invited to her surprise 60th birthday along with everyone else so it all makes sense now.
I'm a little mortified by it all, but... it seems a little drastic to be cut off by an entire group don't you think? My closest friend in the group who cut me off used to revel in telling me what the group had been up to- knowing I hadn't been invited.
All seems a little mean.
I still have to see the group briefly so it's a little awkward, I'm not sure what I can do really now but I would like to let go of this now.

I thin bluerussian must consider this type of accidental call to be distributing obscene material.

@SchadenfreudePersonified yeah I think you are right. I still don't follow the rest though about everyone being there and you didn't do it.....

I would be looking up past phone bills to see how long the heart of gold lady stayed on the phone for.

Then be telling everyone how long she chose to listen and that she might have a gold heart but a filth obsessed minky.

And remind the lady herself normal people would end the call but ask if she had any feckin criticisms or tips with regards your performance. Because there must be something after 10 bloody years of this mince.

I think you need to reframe it. It sounds as though you stayed friends with someone in the group and with your ex-manager since they explained it to you only ten years late
So, your accidental sex call upset quite a few people and they cut you out. You can't change any of that. It all seems a bit odd eg you stayed friends with people in a group that had ousted you; it took ten years for them to tell you why. There may have been other issues and the call was the final straw. Either way, you need to move on. There's no point apologising or bringing it up again now.

That's ridiculous, most people I know would have had a right good laugh about it and said 'ah it happens to the best of us!' Maybe church lady was jealous she sounds a bore ;)

Then be telling everyone how long she chose to listen and that she might have a gold heart but a filth obsessed minky

"Filth obsessed minky"

What a bunch of jerks.

That woman would be 70 now. Is she even still working there?

Why after 10 years did your former manager decide to tell you now.

I hope you've moved up at that place and are doing better than they are.

They cut you out for having a sex life? You're only just finding out the reason why now? This is bizarre. You're better off without.

Oh dear... yes should definitely be "ousted" not outed!

It's an odd situation really. Most would find it funny I think but the lady who received the call is definitely your straight laced type. Her husband passed away a long time ago (maybe 30 odd years) and she has been single ever since-forever faithful to him. So no the call would not have been taken well at all.
I think there must have been other minor reasons as to why they ousted me... but definitely explains the lack of invitation to the birthday and the cold shoulder from the lady who answered the call all these years. I've always wondered what on earth I could have done to upset her as she's so friendly with other people. A little odd but nice enough. If what I did upset her, it would no doubt have upset her little group of supporters too- I don't think she realised what a group of bitches they were. She was always a little naive and happy to have so many younger friends taking care of her- being the older lady of the group. They used to walk her dogs when she was ill etc, invite her to their houses for dinner so I was the one who 'upset' her as opposed to helping her like everyone else did.

Sounds like perhaps they didn't like you much anyway and this was just something they had an excuse to stop talking to you over.

Everyone here thinks it was a bad way for them to behave, chalk it up as them being bitches and move on!

I think you were lucky to be ousted if that was the sort of thing they would oust you for - who needs friends like that!

Either ignore completely and carry on without giving them a thought or, if you want to do something, next time you see the instigator bring it up. 'You remember that time I called you by accident, I never realised but I say X the other day and she told me what was happening when I accidentally called you. OMG I can't believe that happened. You must have been so mortified. No wonder you hardly speak to me now".

10 years ago was another life, not sure I'd have given it headspace then, let alone now.
You need to get a life.
It's 10 years ago.

you get ousted for all kinds of stupid things, people are ridiculous.

I used to have a social circle of friends which all ended after I bought some books from the church book fair. When I'd finished them I passed them on to another member of the circle who didn't like them, she complained in front of the whole group that they were inappropriate reading as they were full of sex. Authors like Rosamund Pilcher, stuff like that.

If she/the thought it was deliberate then they can't have thought much of you.

Whose first thought would be that it was on purpose?

I hope you feel better now op, since you know how ridiculous the whole thing was
Clearly you were better off without them.

I got shunned by a group at work. This was when we were younger. We’d all been quite good friends and gone out for dinners and drinks regularly.

The cousin of one of the group’s boyfriend took a shine to me. One of the other members of the group fancied him. First thing I knew was that my messages were being ignored. I didn’t hear from any of them for around a year. Then suddenly a mutual friend of mine and one of this group invited me to dinner where she would be. Massively apologetic, didn’t know why she had done it etc. I was polite but couldn’t really be arsed, my life had moved on. The other 2 will still blank me when they occasionally see me.

My point being - people are just strange. I think my situation was based on jealousy, although I didn’t take a shine back to said cousin and nothing ever happened.

The world is full of judgemental nit~pickers and weirdos so this doesn't surprise me at all. I got dumped by a work friend, who I really liked and thought I got on well with, because I asked her boss if he had recruited her replacement yet. She had told us all she was leaving and every week it was, "3 weeks to go", "2 weeks to go" etc. She was moving back to Ireland and there was much talk of that. Turns out she hadn't told her boss she was leaving, hadn't handed in her notice and was just going to flit. If she had told me that I obviously wouldn't have mentioned it. She was furious with me and everyone else went out with her for drinks when she left but I wasn't invited.

You don't like these women, they don't like you. You need to get over it.

I could well imagine you came across as some attention seeking exhibitionist who wanted to invo lv work colleagues in your sex life. Not cool. How the hell did you accidentally call??

I'd love for her to have been friends with my mate, who once answered my call with "go away I'm having sex!" and hung up. His girlfriend looked very sheepish with me the next day 😂 I mean, he could have just not answered the phone, but I didn't ghost him for 10 years over it

What a weird bunch of women and that older lady is definitely very strange! Is she suffering from some sort of mental health issue to have reacted like that. Blimey. I really feel for you. What a terrible reaction. I think you’ve been saved from investing in fake friends to be honest. None of those people are normal. If you wanted you could clear it up by sending a group message to her, the one you were good friends with and a couple of the others (so that there’s no way they can lie about it) I’d say “Hi everyone. Hope you’re all well. Hope you don’t mind me messaging but I’d like to clear something up that happened when you were all friends with me. I’ve wondered over the years what I could have possibly done wrong to make you all turn against me how you did. I recently found out that my phone accidentally called XXX while I was away with my then boyfriend and she heard some inappropriate noises. I really wish one of you had talked to me about this at the time. I can assure you this was an accident and in no way deliberate or malicious. It’s very embarrassing for me that this happened and I apologise profusely but I had no idea my phone had dialled XXX. It’s such a shame that you’ve all held a phone accident against me for so long. Anyway, I hope that has cleared it up and there’s no hard feelings. Best wishes”

I think the person who took the phone call may have been jealous of you. You don't need approval from any of these sad people so stop wasting anymore headspace on them and carry on your life and leave the time wasting ovetthinking to the weirdos of the group thinking of your sex life

See this is why I don't have female "friends" so I can't get emotionally involved. The bullying and bitching and smugness and ousting starts in the playground and never stops. So many girls/women seem to revel in it and I cannot be arsed with it in my life.

Then I try and be friends with men. Guess how that goes.

It's just absolutely pathetic . I did this to my mum when drunk at uni - me and bf hadn't got to that stage yet though VERY luckily (making our way through the cocktail menu at spoons, classy ) - but if we had, what should she disown me for life?! I accidentally walked in on my roommates at it. Kids walk in on their parents at it, parents walk in on their teens at it - ABsolutely mortifying at the time but you (try and) laugh it off because it's natural and so common!

Rise above and try and find some better friends OP, I wish you the very best of luck.

It seems strange though, I do wonder what exactly she told the others she heard because most people I know would not react like these women have with you. Sounds like maybe she was already looking for some way to turn them against you. It's pathetic of them to listen to her though and not ask you what really happened. Maybe she has added bits on - lies - to the story.