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Original poster

Why I was outed

83 replies

Cachoo · 29/01/2020 10:48

10 years ago, I was completely outed by a very large group of females at work. I went from being invited to all the social gatherings to none over night. It played havoc with my mental health for a long time.
I still have to see the large group of women through work even though I left that particular role 2 years ago. I have to liaise with them very briefly.
I am still friends with our then-manager and after recently catching up with her, I disvovered why I was outed. I guess I'm looking for a bit of perspective so I can lay it all to rest and move on.
So it turns out, that 10 years ago when I was with my then boyfriend, my phone accidentally called a member of the group... whilst we were having sex!! 😯
I vaguely remember her saying I'd called her accidentally at the weekend and I shrugged it off thinking nothing of it- I do remember though that we were away in a hotel that weekend and yes, there was lots of well... you know. So it is probably correct.
The lady in question hasn't actually made much eye contact with me since and has been very cold- an older, church abiding lady with a heart of gold. She must have told someone and well, the rumour spread. I wasn't invited to her surprise 60th birthday along with everyone else so it all makes sense now.
I'm a little mortified by it all, but... it seems a little drastic to be cut off by an entire group don't you think? My closest friend in the group who cut me off used to revel in telling me what the group had been up to- knowing I hadn't been invited.
All seems a little mean.
I still have to see the group briefly so it's a little awkward, I'm not sure what I can do really now but I would like to let go of this now.

OP posts:
WellHolyGodMiley · 29/01/2020 11:31

I would block the lot of them.

Mumbassa · 29/01/2020 11:33

I wouldn’t be bothered anymore by them, they seem derranged

WellHolyGodMiley · 29/01/2020 11:34

Anybody buying in to decade old gossip is a sad loser too at this point.

I cannot imagine holding something unfortunate (that harmed nobody) against a person still, TEN YEARS LATER.

That is demented.

WellHolyGodMiley · 29/01/2020 11:36

You need to forgive yourself op. I think this thread is proactively attempting that.

So something embarrassing happened to you.

JOIN THE CLUB!

billy1966 · 29/01/2020 11:41

What an in Christian thing to do.

Also she's the freak to have obviously had a good long listen.

I get the odd "bum call", you hang up.
You don't sit listening.
She must be a right pervert to have listened for so long to have become offended......and I'd be very tempted to tell her that!

Don't give it a second thought. You could eye ball them when you meet them and make THEM uncomfortable.

Honestly I'd be cringing for them.

💐

VenusTiger · 29/01/2020 11:46

The church-goer was who you accidentally called OP? In that case, she will have thought you did it on purpose and were taking the piss out of her - crossed wires by the looks of it - and with being told you'd called them and you shrugging it off, they may have thought, you did it on purpose and don't care.
I'd definitely tell her it was accidental and you've only just found out about it, even if she doesn't believe you, at least the truth is out there and you'll have your closure.

BlackSwan · 29/01/2020 11:51

You need to change the title. This makes no sense as written. In any case, I hope you have found new friends...

1forsorrow · 29/01/2020 11:54

I got an accidental call like that once, it took about 2 seconds to realise what was happening and I ended the call. Never mentioned it to anyone and never thought of it again till now. It was years ago.

I think the lady who took the call hasn't got a heart of gold in my opinion. If you are an adult having consensual sex she should have hung up and wiped it from her mind.

I met someone once from a foreign country, where he lived everyone in the community lived in a huge ten, had their own designated area and he said they all had their privacy as you just didn't look at private things. Not sure how his wife (European) coped when they visited his family but they could tell they lady something about respecting other people.

The others who joined in are no better. OP you don't need friends like that, forget them and move on. Maybe have a laugh at how ridiculous they are.

helberg · 29/01/2020 11:55

The lady in question hasn't actually made much eye contact with me since and has been very cold- an older, church abiding lady with a heart of gold.

Ridiculous behaviour from her. Hasn't she heard of forgiveness?
She might have thought you'd done it deliberately but if she'd been clearer with you at the time and said "I didn't appreciate the phone call you made at the weekend" you could have had a conversation with her and discovered what the problem and cleared up the matter. But instead she just decided to give you the cold shoulder and turn others against you with is a very un-Christian thing to do.

Let it go now. It was an accident. You did nothing wrong.The behaviour of the others involved was very mean.

ItIsAllChange · 29/01/2020 12:05

I think the OP has made it clear what happened and also confirmed she is a straight female so I don’t see the need to keep bringing up the incorrect use of outed as it’s obviously a mistake and everything else makes sense.

OP, if someone I knew called me and didn’t respond after a couple of hellos when I answered, I would hang up. I wouldn’t stay on the phone to determine whether they were having sex or not and I definitely wouldn’t tell everyone. I agree that you’ve had a lucky escape and would put them out of your mind (the one who told you what everyone had been up to that you has been excluded from was probably the most unpleasant of all).

Woollycardi · 29/01/2020 12:09

Crikey, they sound judgemental and uptight. You're probably far better off out of it, why she couldn't just cut the phone call and then shrug it off is one thing, why an entire group had to isolate you is on a whole other level...I hope you have better friends now, life is too short for taking stuff like that too seriously, she could have dealt with this so differently.

Rhubarbncustard4 · 29/01/2020 12:13

I imagine she thought you did it on purpose - told everyone else , and that’s why you were ousted .... probably could have been dealt with differently ... including by the then - manager , who probably should have addressed it if it was effecting the workplace.

After 10 years though I really would have expected a group of adults to have moved on from something like this , surely there’s been much more drama just in people’s ordinary lives since . It’s a shame too that none of this group gave you the benefit of the doubt at the time . For those reasons I’m not sure there’s much to be gained in addressing it now .

The reality is that as a friendship group they really weren’t up to match , I hope you have better friends now

Crinkle77 · 29/01/2020 12:19

So they all ousted you because one of them heard you having sex? They are pathetic and are better off out of that bunch.

TheresWaldo · 29/01/2020 12:19

How did you manage to call her accidentally? I couldn't tell you what I was doing 10 years ago.

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2020 12:21

Their behaviour is mad, but I'm assuming that you didn't speak to her or apologize for the mistaken call?

dottiedodah · 29/01/2020 12:22

I think they sound mean narrow minded and bitchy TBH. Were you that close to them before? Sounds like you had a narrow escape really !

SuperMeerkat · 29/01/2020 12:22

She must have listened for ages @Cachoo What a sad pervert! I certainly wouldn’t realise after a 2 second butt dial that someone was having sex and the second I did I would hang up. How strange of her to keep listening. You did nothing wrong.

Bluerussian · 29/01/2020 12:24

The group are being very judgemental about something embarrassing, potentially illegal which is alleged to have happened when so many employees were away together and staying in the same hotel. However you didn't do it, your 'phone sent a message by accident which often happens - has on my phone after I dropped it on kitchen floor and again when I nearly flushed it down the loo.

I can't convince them to believe you but they sound a right shower of bitches when not even one has the grace to say, "Well I believe her. Phones in a pocket or a handbag are jostled about and often call a number", My phone dialled the police!

You'd think one of them would at least acknowledge how utterly preposterous the scenario is.

None of that is very helpful to you. I'm putting myself in your shoes and cannot see a clean exit.

Just go about your business - walking tall and graceful .

tempester28 · 29/01/2020 12:26

That is a very over the top reaction! Surely gossiping and telling everyone, which she must have done, is more of a reason to oust someone from a group! Oh well you have already given her a surprise so no need to attend the surprise party.

Voxx · 29/01/2020 12:28

She probably thought it was deliberate. Maybe she thought you were taking the piss out of her for being straight laced and Church going? She probably found it hugely embarrassing at the very least.

Urkiddingright · 29/01/2020 12:29

Most people would just laugh this off. Honestly, you don’t need ‘friends’ like this anyway.

livefornaps · 29/01/2020 12:29

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moobar · 29/01/2020 12:36

@Bluerussian Confusedare you on the wrong thread? What's illegal? The op was with her boyfriend not all the employees, what did she not do? I don't follow at all.

Thedeadwood · 29/01/2020 12:39

This thread was a little confusing before bluerussian posted and now i'm lost entirely!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/01/2020 12:41

How weird. Thank God they cut you out, they saved you from having judgemental friends. I wouldn't describe the lady as having a heart of gold though.

This - in spades!

Had you done this to me I would have

a) cut off your call

b) assumed it was accidental

c) made comment to you about being more careful the next time I got the opportunity to speak to you privately

d) kept my gob shut!

I can see how it would be hurtful for you then, though - but TBH if it was me (and I didn't need to keep a reasonable working relationship with them), I'd tell them what I thought of them.