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Original poster

Boyfriend too close to his mum?

76 replies

butterflygirl20 · 28/01/2020 23:07

Hi everyone :)

This is my first post on here and I never usually ask for advice so this is a first!
Me and my boyfriend (20) have been together 6 months & knew each other from secondary school. I absolutely adore this guy but I'm worried he's too close to his mum and that it's always going to be this way?

He lives with his parents and his mum does EVERYTHING for him (she doesn't work). She even tidies his room and sends him to work with packed lunches & I love you notes. He WhatsApp's his mum 24/7 with phone calls throughout the day and goodmorning & goodnight texts with I love you every time.
I'm really stressed at the moment (I live on my own) and need him around a bit more. I mentioned this to him to stay at mine more during the week but he still has to check with his mum before he can make plans with me???

There's nothing I know of that's happened to the family and he doesn't seem to be like this with his other family members although they are still very close.
His dad gets annoyed at both of them because he says my boyfriend needs to grow up a bit and do stuff himself.

How do I tackle this and am I overreacting?
I don't want to give up on the guy or run because we have something great but I don't want to try and control him either!

I just want a normal adult relationship and I'm tired of feeling like I'm in a relationship with his mum as well as him.

OP posts:
Tinyhumansurvivalist · 28/01/2020 23:12

Honestly run away now!

It won't change, it will get worse.. Cut your losses!

Whatisthisfuckery · 28/01/2020 23:14

Sorry OP, he’s a manchild. If you ever live with him he’ll expect you to be his mummy. Unless you want a relationship where you’re mummy to an adult child I’d move on if I were you. He’s obviously very comfortable with his mother running around after him and he won’t change if he doesn’t have to.

Alexandernevermind · 28/01/2020 23:20

This is exactly how I want my little boy to be when he is 20. No I'm joking of course, but 20 is still very young and as he lives with his parents perhaps he is checking out of respect? Us women are naturally more mature and independent at that age than men are. If she offers to tidy after him and make his lunches he is hardly going to say no. My husband was exactly like this when we met, and although he had his own home he ate all of his meals at his parents, his mother cleaned his house weekly and took all of his washing home. Once our relationship naturally evolved the spring strings were released, although he still has a very close relationship with his mum. I think your boyfriends attitude to his mother actually bodes well. Always judge a man by the way he treats and respects his mother.

Craftycorvid · 28/01/2020 23:20

Are you happy to try and become his mum with all the cleaning and fussing and little notes in his lunch box? If yes, crack on. Do you also want to be forced into competition with his mum at some point? Because that will happen - you will be ‘the other woman’ as far as she’s concerned. Your guy has yet to grow up and make his own decisions. You are both very young and have been together since school. I can imagine the idea of moving on from him is hard, but I think you need to do just that. You are already questioning his relationship with his mum, and that discontent isn’t going to go away.

Original poster
butterflygirl20 · 28/01/2020 23:21

@Whatisthisfuckery Thanks for the reply, it's just such a shame when we have such a great relationship otherwise! I'm hoping it would get better if we ever moved in together but then on the other hand it could get a lot worse! Sad X

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 28/01/2020 23:22

Another saying run! you don't 'have something great' while he's tied to mummy's apron strings.

Original poster
butterflygirl20 · 28/01/2020 23:24

@Alexandernevermind Thank you! This gives me some hope, I'm hoping he'll get himself together more and grow out of it as he gets older as you said, I'm just worried on how long I'll have to wait! X

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 28/01/2020 23:25

Fgs don't move in together. His mummy will be over everyday checking you're looking after her little boy properly.

SandyY2K · 28/01/2020 23:25

I'd bail. You can't change him...he sees nothing wrong with it. His dad doesn't like it and it still happens...it won't stop.

It's great to see love between a mother and son, but this is a bit much.

She's babying him by tidying his room and making packed lunches and doing everything for him. He'll never grow up.

If he ever moved out, he wouldn't know how to do anything, because she does it all.

Then his wife or GF would be expected to do it.

Mothers like that are not helping. I'll bet any previous GFs had enough of it.

alwaysmovingforwards · 28/01/2020 23:26

FFS, don't listen to the drama lamas on here telling you to run... they say that about everything... it's predictable.
Anyway, he's only 20 and still living at home, he's merely making the transition from childhood to adulthood. If you are living alone then you have moved into the next life phase and he hasn't yet.
Why not stick with him and help him through! Mind you, if you want him there just because you are stressed and need help... then not sure how appealing that is to him really!

Original poster
butterflygirl20 · 28/01/2020 23:28

@SandyY2K He's never had any previous GF's so I don't know if that's why he's not matured much more yet or figured out he needs to let his mum go a bit? Maybe I'm holding onto false hope!! Thank you X

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 28/01/2020 23:29

I think he will grow out of it. If he was disrespectful to his mum then I would say run, but he obviously comes from a very loving, albeit very old fashioned family. Just be firm and upfront about what you expect from the relationship and what your boundaries are. I'm thinking of my nephews which are a similar age. They are still mummies boys, but will make wonderful men and partner with a little moulding perhaps from the right woman! Grin

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 28/01/2020 23:31

@alwaysmovingforwards actually I don't, normally I advocate for sensibility and benefit of the doubt.

However, I even this blmans father is annoyed by it according to the op which suggests a much deeper rooted problem.

Ophe is still a baby being coddled by mummy. Do yourself a huge favour and move on. He won't change, it will get worse and you will be back here in 5 years time asking how you get rid of an overbearing interfering mil

Original poster
butterflygirl20 · 28/01/2020 23:32

@alwaysmovingforwards Only been a tough time this past month and he's been like this from the start. It's made me think more though that he'll always be like this if he only ever prioritises his mum even when I need help. I'm hoping it's just him being young as you said and that he'll grow out of it in a few years! X

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 28/01/2020 23:32

Drama Lamas? (Llamas) no, just people giving opinions on a well known and common situation with a usually predictable outcome. See the many, many posts on here from women saddled with useless manchildren.

sirmione16 · 28/01/2020 23:33

Or he's making an excuse because it seems quite needy to ask him to stay because you're stressed 6 months into a relationship. He's 20 with no real responsibilities....not about to start now with someone he's been with that short amount of time

DBML · 28/01/2020 23:36

He sounds very respectful of his family home and of his mother. This is a good thing. Ok, he could tidy his own room and make his own lunch, but he’s only just out of his teens, so it’s not that big a deal.
You’ve only been together 6 months and you want him to be there to support you more throughout the week because you’re stressed? This is more of a red flag to me. He’s 20 and relationships should be light hearted and fun. I think you’re being far too demanding of a 20 year old and if he were my son I’d be warning him ‘too much too soon’.

DecemberSnow · 28/01/2020 23:38

Your both 20

Been together 6 months

First relationship for him

Maybe you needing him, is actually abit much for him

Smellbellina · 28/01/2020 23:39

Are you happy to try and become his mum

Why would you even think to do that?
I think you need to realise that it’s not a competition between you and his mum, they are very different relationships (hopefully!)
Maybe he doesn’t want to stay at yours more during the week? Is there any particular reason why he should?

SandyY2K · 28/01/2020 23:39

Your his first relationship.......I see. The closeness is too much...and I say this as someone from a very close family.

My parents and siblings are tight as a family unit, but not to the point it impacts on our marriages/relationships.

In your situation, I'd feel reluctant to become more emotionally attached to him, in order to protect myself from being hurt down the line.

I couldn't give my all in the current situation.
Is he an only child? Or the youngest?

LightDrizzle · 28/01/2020 23:39

It would put me right off him.
I think a man having a good relationship with his mother is usually a positive sign that he’s a decent bloke. This is way too much though.
I think it will be a problem in the future if you stay in.
If you do end it, I’d tell him why, not angrily, it might give him food for thought.

SandyY2K · 28/01/2020 23:50

I absolutely adore this guy

When I see the word adore, I feel it's putting someone on a pedestal. I'll go on to say in my experience of other couples, it's usually only one person who feels that way.

I'm really stressed at the moment (I live on my own) and need him around a bit more

You made the choice to live alone, so you need to be independent and not reliant on him to be staying over.

Is it more about him being around, or staying over?

You mentioned stress, he seems to have a nice stress free life. Do you think he wants to be dealing with your stresses? Some people aren't so good in certain situations and would rather stay away and not have to deal with it.

While you are the same age, you living alone has made you be way more independent and he's a million miles from where you are at the moment.

He's in little boy mode. You're an independent young lady.

ZaZathecat · 28/01/2020 23:50

If it gets serious enough to talk about moving in, I'd suggest a year renting together to see how it goes, and being upfront about wanting to make sure he pulls his weight and doesn't use you as a surrogate mother.

Original poster
butterflygirl20 · 28/01/2020 23:51

@DBML I know I shouldn't bring my stress to the relationship as that's not fair. I rarely talk to him about it because of this, I just asked him to stay round more as it's nice to take my mind off it and enjoy time with him! It is light hearted and fun and we have such a great time together, but realistically life can't always be like that and I just get the feeling his mum is always going to be the priority further down the line. X

OP posts:
Original poster
butterflygirl20 · 28/01/2020 23:56

@SandyY2K He is the youngest yes and his older sister had just moved out with her boyfriend when I arrived on the scene so I feel like his mum is over compensating with him maybe?

When I say I want him to stay over more it's just because I enjoy spending time with him and it takes my mind off stuff. X

OP posts:
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