Boyfriend too close to his mum?

[butterflygirl20]

Hi everyone :)

This is my first post on here and I never usually ask for advice so this is a first!
Me and my boyfriend (20) have been together 6 months & knew each other from secondary school. I absolutely adore this guy but I'm worried he's too close to his mum and that it's always going to be this way?

He lives with his parents and his mum does EVERYTHING for him (she doesn't work). She even tidies his room and sends him to work with packed lunches & I love you notes. He WhatsApp's his mum 24/7 with phone calls throughout the day and goodmorning & goodnight texts with I love you every time.
I'm really stressed at the moment (I live on my own) and need him around a bit more. I mentioned this to him to stay at mine more during the week but he still has to check with his mum before he can make plans with me???

There's nothing I know of that's happened to the family and he doesn't seem to be like this with his other family members although they are still very close.
His dad gets annoyed at both of them because he says my boyfriend needs to grow up a bit and do stuff himself.

How do I tackle this and am I overreacting?
I don't want to give up on the guy or run because we have something great but I don't want to try and control him either!

I just want a normal adult relationship and I'm tired of feeling like I'm in a relationship with his mum as well as him.

...he still has to check with his mum before he can make plans with me.

It sounds like they have an unhealthy codependent relationship. This dynamic would be difficult for him to break, even if he was aware and wanted to.

Tell him to look you up in 10 years time, he might have grown up by then. Or not. Either way, this sounds like a Mumsnet MIL thread waiting to happen. At the very least, your roast potatoes and gravy will never be good enough!
But if you're trying to nudge him into moving in with you, you are being unreasonable - because 20 is too young. He doesn't need to be shouldering your problems.

I understand what you are saying op, but that doesn’t change the fact you are using him (or trying to) as a crutch.

I have a 14 year old son and six years doesn’t seem that far away. I wouldn’t want him to feel that he has to keep his girlfriend entertained. I hope at 20 he’ll be studying or training and enjoying life, maybe some lads holidays, maybe going out and partying.

I text my son everyday that I love him...at 14 he doesn’t always reply, but I do love him and I will tell him.

I imagine that if he still lives us at 20, which is probable in this day and age, I’d vacuum his room if I’m doing the house anyway, or spritz a bit of polish in there as I go around. It’s my room anyway, in my house, so I’d want it to be nice. Additionally, if I was making sarnies for DH and I to take to work, I’d see no harm in making a couple more for DS. One more thing is that as a mother, I know I will always worry about my son. If he was going to be late home or was thinking about staying out overnight, a phone call to let me know would be gratefully received, save me imagining his having had an accident or lying somewhere drunk or beaten up (whilst he lives under my roof). I think checking in to let his mum know where he is, is very considerate.

If he was still like this at 30 then I’d see your point, but 20 is very young.

I had one of these. Knew I had bitten off more than I could chew when- after we were living together- I made him a fry up one Sunday morning and he complained that I hadn’t done his bacon with griddle marks on “like mum does”. She was a very nice woman but their relationship was creepy AF. Every year on her birthday my bf would take her out for dinner and cocktails and then to a jazz club for dancing. Just him and her. He had other siblings and their mum and dad were very much together but this was “their little tradition”. When I expressed my surprise at this I was accused of not being family focussed. We were in our late twenties and it all felt a bit odd to me.

We split up for other reasons but I wasn’t sad to see the back of the mum-dates.

I had two of theses, both ended up fathering my dc's.
first one met at 16, so that was the reason he's just young. Well he's 35 now and after a year of living with his gf, they have moved back to her parents home. He never grew up and is for ever dependant on his parents or gf's dp.
Second one, had his on flat, good job but he was a 5 minute walk from his mother's home. She picked it and paid a years rent in advance I later found out.

Well both relationships ended because I became their 'new' mother and did all the work. So gross but you don't really see it at the time.

Op you should just explain calmly what you want if he doesn't do it then you know to leave. If you can see he's trying then maybe he just needs a little time to grow.

It does sound a bit much for a 20 year old. I think it would get on my nerves so much I wouldn't want to take the relationship any further. Cool it, just be friends and see other people.

At age 20 I wouldn't have been caught dead checking in with my mum before I made plans. He is ridiculously immature.

I think you are a bit off,with assuming that your partner will always be like you say he is, you have only known him a short while,and are seemingly being a bit needy. It's nice for a son to be close to his Mother, and he can't just quickly break off his ways of how he is with her.

It's likely he doesn't even know there is an issue. You should talk to him but try to leave the it open ended to not look like you're attacking him like "Why do we spend so much time with your mother?". If that doesn't work then just be super direct.

So he is saying he has to ask mum's permission to spend the night at yours during the week and she says no.

It's way over the top for a 20 year old man to be so dependant on his mum and she enabling him.

Yes a MAN. Men that age go off to war and their mummys arent there to hold their gun and make their bed.

I don't see any future with this. It's not your job to train him. It's his parents and they've failed at teaching him life skills.

The reason women tend to be more mature and independent because it is expected from women. Mums that coddle their gb and teach them learned helplessness and that women are skivvies put on earth to cater to them.

I would just tell him it's a bit odd to check in with mumsy and not do anything to take care of himself. Peer pressure is a good thing in this case. Regular sex vs answering to mummys whims.

OP - what’s he like when he does stay over at yours? Does he cook, wash the dishes, clean up after himself etc? Or does he leave it for you to do?

If it’s the latter then I would call this a day and find someone who’s successfully cut the apron strings.

I think it's courtesy to let his mum know he'll be out for the night. No harm in that and I would expect my child of any age who still lived at home to let me know this.

It's notification, not permission.

I wouldn’t be too worried about the fact his mum does his washing and tidies his room as much as the whatsapping 24-7. Is he messaging her when he is with you?

His mother may love him dearly but she's doing him a huge disservice by doing everything for him and not teaching him to look after himself. If he moved in with you he'd probably be horrified at having to do things for himself (and it would be a big mistake for you to do everything) and he'd likely go running back to mummy pronto.

I wouldn't be ending a relationship over this. Sure if down the line he turns into a jerk and refuses to do things then end it. But right now you guys are good. He's still young and accepting help when offered. I would maybe have a chat with him and state that if you ever moved in together you would not be doing everything. I think it's nice they have a good relationship. Would rather that than a man that ignores his mum!

Hmm I'd be interested in the other side to this story, it could be more like DBML suggested. For example is he checking in to say don't worry about me, I'm staying out tonight or is he asking permission? Does she tidy his room because she's cleaning the rest of the house? Frankly if someone offered to do my cleaning I'd accept very happily!
On one hand he could be a man child on the other they might just be a close family stuck in routines from when he was younger.
You're still really young both of you. Personally I'd focus more on sorting your stress out - is that because of living independently or is that something else?

His mother may love him dearly but she's doing him a huge disservice by doing everything for him and not teaching him to look after himself. absolutely this. He will end up as a useless manchild, the type we read about so much on these boards. What parent puts love notes in their adult child's lunch? What 20 year old needs to check it's ok to go out? It all sounds really unhealthy OP. He's been conditioned and his mother will make your life together miserable. I would walk away now if I were you.

Maybe she is controlling him and he’s scared to cut the strings. It’s abusive. Posters crying mummy’s boy should maybe have a think about that

I wouldn't end a relationship over this.....seriously you'd come across as a cold hearted bitch if you broke up with him because he loves his mum!

He doesn't sound a bit like a mummy's boy but at the same time he is 20 - if you had said he was 30 I would say run for the hills!

Men who are close to their mothers tend to make pretty good partners as they can be more respectful but i agree it's a fine line that when he's older he doesn't then trade in one mother for another (you!) who he expects to pick up where she's left off

It's nothing for you to worry about at this stage in your relationship when you don't actually live together yet

Twenty is very, very young to be taking on other people’s stresses and looking towards permanency. It’s an age when fun should be the main aim of life.
I think a lad who is close to his parents, who has stable loving relationships, who understands what nurturing looks like is much, much more likely to be a successful husband and father when he’s old enough. Twenty is still half adult half child.
A twenty our son was deployed a fair bit but when home he was looked after, indulged and has his meals made. He’s in a long term relationship with a lovely girl now, owns his own place and perfectly competent around the house. Simply because he’s old enough and has matured to a point he’s ready and wanting to move to the next stage in adulthood.
You sound quite needy and demanding for someone so young. Rather than whether you felt my son should bow to your demands, I’d be asking him whether he really needed to be your crutch and whether he wanted to live in isolation from his family.

How many women treat their daughters like this?

@DearHappy Yes he messages her & calls her constantly whilst with me and even phones her straight after sex sometimes. I just find it a bit much! X

Now that is weird.

Be there, done that. We got together in our early 20s (20 for him 21 for me) and right from the go his mum was very clingy. We were both living away from home attending university but that didn't stop her controlling his every move. Things got worse when he announced his plans for us to travel and move abroad. To say she is emotionally abusive is an understatement.

Flash forward to his mum moving in twice and a few things going "missing" ending the relationship. There is nothing wrong with being close to family but at 20 he's an adult. Sit your partner down and he honest. You love that he has a great family bond but you want him to stay over more often without checking with his mum first. Hopefully he'll realise this is all part of growing up and isn't something to be concerned about. If say a year or so down the line he's still like this then I would reconsider the relationship.

As for my ex, he ended up moving away with his mum. Last I heard he still lives with her, gave up on his travels, no job and his friends never get to see him. It's a shame as he deserves better but I'm glad to be out of that mess.

"I don't want to give up on the guy or run because we have something great"

While a son is growing and learning about the world and establishing his independence, he needs the nurturing and loving support of his mother. However, there are certain situations when the relationship between a mother and son is distorted and this can cause destruction. Unhealthy mother-son relationships can not only have detrimental effects on both the mother and son, but can also ruin any other relationships they have in their lives. What you describe here with him is one of those situations.

Please take heed. This is not an unknown issue at all and the outcome is usually the same; the relationship with the girlfriend ends.

You do not have anything great here with regards to this man you are dating. This man has an unhealthy codependent and enmeshed relationship with his mother and she will always be his Number 1 in his life. This is a relationship that she has herself fostered and she wants to keep him dependent on her. For whatever reasons she has made him the focus and will want to keep him dependent on her; he in turn feels highly responsible for her own emotionally wellbeing. He cannot and or equally will not see he is doing anything wrong here re his mother such is the conditioning. He will lose you and will likely also lose all the other women he will have relationships with in future due to this enmeshed relationship with his mother.

Cut your losses now and end this relationship for your own sake and before you get further hurt by their behaviours. You're becoming ever more affected by this from them and I would also urge you to love your own self for a change. Ask yourself also what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.