Boyfriend too close to his mum?

[butterflygirl20]

Hi everyone :)

This is my first post on here and I never usually ask for advice so this is a first!
Me and my boyfriend (20) have been together 6 months & knew each other from secondary school. I absolutely adore this guy but I'm worried he's too close to his mum and that it's always going to be this way?

He lives with his parents and his mum does EVERYTHING for him (she doesn't work). She even tidies his room and sends him to work with packed lunches & I love you notes. He WhatsApp's his mum 24/7 with phone calls throughout the day and goodmorning & goodnight texts with I love you every time.
I'm really stressed at the moment (I live on my own) and need him around a bit more. I mentioned this to him to stay at mine more during the week but he still has to check with his mum before he can make plans with me???

There's nothing I know of that's happened to the family and he doesn't seem to be like this with his other family members although they are still very close.
His dad gets annoyed at both of them because he says my boyfriend needs to grow up a bit and do stuff himself.

How do I tackle this and am I overreacting?
I don't want to give up on the guy or run because we have something great but I don't want to try and control him either!

I just want a normal adult relationship and I'm tired of feeling like I'm in a relationship with his mum as well as him.

Also such thinking you have shown re thinking this relationship is great is really another example of the sunken costs fallacy. This basically also causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Do read about this and also enmeshed mother/son relationships.

OMG! My DS is 19, I think he would disown me if I behaved like that to him (apart from tidying his room, which I refuse to do).
He is a man, yes a young one, but still a man, even his father can see there is a problem with this behaviour, why can't you?

For you own sake, please leave him to his mother, he will never be 'yours'.

Sorry if this seems harsh, but I think you need some straight talking OP.

Such men also sadly do not grow out of it. They become ever more emotionally stunted and their (now elderly) mother's live in and full time carer.

even phones her straight after sex sometimes

Oh fuck that OP.

Yes he messages her & calls her constantly whilst with me and even phones her straight after sex sometimes

This would give me the ick!

Please please listen. You are so young you have all the time in the world to find the guy you deserve. This is a shit show you can't fix. It will grind you down. It will break you. Don't do this to yourself please.

You will always be the bad guy. The villain trying to break their special bond. Break up with him. And don't mince words. Tell him you want a man who's fully exited his mother vagina.

Us women are naturally more mature and independent at that age than men are

This is exactly the kind of thinking that ties women into doing all the housework and emotional labour in relationships and fuels the "boys will be boys" malarkey.

So he phones his mum right after sex, is he asking her to come around to tuck him in after? OP whatever you do absolutely do not move him in to your flat, if he wants to fly the nest let him move into a house share and let him realise what effort it takes to cook and clean for himself, do not let him go from mum running about after him to you running about after him. You are both young and if you want to keep this going keep it light and not too invested. Have fun, be sensible and focus on building a life for yourself outside of him.

Yes he messages her & calls her constantly whilst with me and even phones her straight after sex sometimes. I just find it a bit much!

He phones her straight after sex sometimes? This is all kinds of weird and unhealthy. I mean really fucked up.

Red flag. Run.

The fact he is 20 and even his dad is getting pissed off is a big red flag here. I think his mother is using him a crutch and it’s unhealthy. Does he still do bitty?

OP, never continue with a relationship on the condition that you hope someone will change. Really, do not, down that road all sorts of misery lies.

Could you get to know his family a bit more and see how she is with you.

It does sound a bit much, my ds is similar at but is independent and doesn't want me interfering in his life.

I'm lucky if he answers my texts😊

It’s odd and won’t get better. It’s the kind of relationship that when you give birth to your first child his mother will hold the baby first and they’ll coo over it like it’s theirs.

Similar age

"Could you get to know his family a bit more and see how she is with you".

No do not bother doing that and besides which she does not want to know you. She sees you as a threat and she will also hate your very being even though you have done nothing wrong here (apart from love her son).

You've already seen what the son is like and he is also very much an integral part of that dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy family unit. These people will NOT change; you cannot stay in a relationship out of hopes that he here will see how unhealthy this all is.

You need to end the relationship painful as that will be for you. This is indeed a very dysfunctional family unit that cannot be fixed at all.

@ChuckleBuckles He moved out on his own a while ago which was when I first met him! I later found out his dad paid all his bills for him and his mum sent him home cooked meals every week so all he had to do was keep the place tidy. He then moved back home to 'save money' but he never had any bills in the first place so I get the feeling that's just an excuse.

You're definitely right I should hang back a little bit and try not to be as invested as I am! I'll just keep it fun and light hearted and concentrate more on my own life. Thank you X

I'll just keep it fun and light hearted and concentrate more on my own life

Your decision of course, but personally I'd cut him out completely - otherwise you could end up in a ghastly situation where he tries to hang onto you as his ticket to normality, she hits back with everything she's got, you keep persuading yourself he'll change this time and he in turn takes it all out on you

I lived this life for too long and it nearly broke me; much better to call it quits at this early stage before it happens to you too

his dad paid all his bills for him and his mum sent him home cooked meals

Run! His dad initiated that little burst of freedom I would guess as he paid for it, but this guy is not interested in standing on his own two feet, so run.

Run...run away. If nothing else, for the idea that his Mum pops into his head as soon as you've finished having sex. Or you hope that it's as soon as. Something isn't ok there. And he is totally ok with it but you don't have to be.

She sees you as a threat and she will also hate your very being even though you have done nothing wrong here (apart from love her son).

You know her personally then @AttilaTheMeerkat?

Your word is not gospel you know.

I have cousins who have been spoiled in this way, and while I think it's ridiculous, I can assure you my aunt adores her DIL's and my cousins have turned out very decent husbands/father's.

I do not have to personally know women like this enmeshed mother figure OP writes of. I recognise this type of woman all too well and most people have agreed with the view that OP should exit the relationship.

You do not have to agree with me at all but giving an example of what happened within your own family as a counterpoint to my own views is a weak counter argument. Your own experience is no more valid or right than my own.

I've given my experience of our family situation, yes. Which is fact. I know. To state as fact that her boyfriends mother hates her for merely existing, without actually knowing any of them. is ridiculous

Me and DP are/were both very close to our DM’s so it wasn’t a problem for either of us. Your DP’s relationship with his DM sounds like mine with my DM, I would be wary of someone who saw my parents as competition for my affection. So, I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with either of you, you’re just not well suited.

There is a book called 'When he's married to Mom By Kenneth M Adams.
This is about mother/son enmeshment.

He sounds mother enmeshed and if the father is commenting about it, and it sounds like hit me dad paid for him to be in a flat and yet he still came back to his mummy.

Having been in an abusive marriage with a mother enmeshed narcissistic man , his mother was an even bigger narcissist and I do not use the term lightly!

It was a nightmare scenario, my Ex H moved his mother into our house after his father died without discussion, she literally made me suicidal.

Their relationship was so dysfunctional and what you have written has lots of red flags popping up.

You need to have a few chats to him about WhatsApp messages after sex. WTF?

Strong boundaries will have to be put in place with him and his mother.

Personally, if he is mother enmeshed, I would walk away now and save yourself a load of heartache.

Good luck

his dad - not hit me....