Why do men do this?!

[MrsMidgeMaisel]

I'll start the thread by saying - I know women do this too...
Saturday night out with some friends in town, got chatting to a guy who was really persistent in trying to talk to me. I wasn't out to meet anyone, still healing from the breakdown of a horrible abusive relationship really (which is probably why I've reacted in such an extreme way to this!)

Anyway we talked, danced, eventually had a kiss. He was a fair bit older than me - I asked during conversation 'you're not married are you?' He assured me he wasn't due to lack of wedding ring. I said that rings can be removed and he made a big thing of saying there would be a mark if he normally wore a ring.

Outcome of the night was he invited me back to his hotel. I said there was no way I wanted to sleep with him, not into one night stands etc. He asked me to go back and talk and cuddle. I did and he was a complete gent, and we just talked, cuddled, kissed and slept.

We'd swapped numbers the previous night; he was visiting from another city. He text me within an hour of leaving, he said he wants to come and visit, I happen to be visiting his city within the next few weeks (have friends there) and we had spoken about it the night before so I reminded him of the conversation and he said he'd love to.

Few hours later he texted to say he hadn't been honest and is married. 'Sorry'. Just what the fuck. So repulsive. I asked outright and now I feel 1. Guilty

1. Just crap

3, An idiot

He told me details about how his marriage supposedly broke down! I just can't get my head around this level of lying. I think I'm upset because it's been a long long time since I have allowed myself to feel any kind of excitement about a man and the moment I did it feels like a kick in the teeth. Sorry it's so long and rambly.

Maybe he knew he wasn’t going to get away with it if you turned up in his town.

I'll start the thread by saying - I know women do this too...

So why give this thread the title you did then? PhilCornwall1 is spot on.

I dont mean to be harsh but look at the facts here: you met a random guy in a club/night out. You dont know this guy at all, you were probably a bit tipsy, maybe he was too, he persisted in trying to get you to sleep with him and when you said no he kept on about just "having a cuddle" so you went back to his room. You asked him if he was married and he lied and said no, presumably to preserve the slim chance he had of getting you to sleep with him. Now youre shocked that men do this.

There were huge red warning signs up to that point- rabid persistence and not taking your no for an answer was a first clue. This isnt blaming you at all- I get your disappointment but I'm just saying that you cannot possibly "trust" a person that you have only just met that you dont know. He could be a serial killer for all you know! Unfortunately, you cannot just know a person is reliable in just one meeting- you know literally nothing about them. I think you invested way too much in this guy too soon and thats why you feel so let down. In future, dont trust so easily what someone says - test them. If they really like you, they won't be put off by you not immediately going back to their hotel room. Take time to see if theyre genuine- see if their words match their actions etc

I'm not saying this to blame, I'm saying this because you are just going to continue getting hurt if you put your trust in people so quickly.

Wtf with the victim blaming yet again. She was tipsy, yes, but not drunk, and guess what? Men can still choose not to lie, even after someone's had a drink! OP chose to go for a kiss and cuddle- that doesn't make her fair game for this shit.

I'm horrified you went back to this man's hotel room. I cannot get past that.
If my adult dd ever did this and I found out I would be furious.

Tbh you don't seem very sensible. It's nothing to do with being a mug you're just too compliant.
@mimilarue is spot on.

Victim blaming??? Victim of what exactly?! Grown woman gets a bit pissed and has a cuddle with a randomer?! OP is annoyed because she thought him not jumping her but indeed being respectful and having a cuddle meant that a future meeting was on the cards when she just so happened to be soon visiting his city, he's not up for it so either told the true or lied that he's married. The end. Victims blaming is such an insult.

This is the kind of thing that would make me want to go full Fatal Attraction - or at least give him a really good scare.

Men do this because they think they can get away with it. They think we're going to be sad but ultimately there won't be any consequences. What if you made him think perhaps he'd tangled with the wrong woman this time?

finewords you sound unhinged or is that the point 😁

Onemans She was lied to in order to get her to go to his hotel room. She was deliberately misled. Yes, she's a victim.
And for all the ridiculous swooning on this thread that a woman should go back to a man's hotel room- get over it. It happens. Amazed that a woman can be lied to, and that other women actually blame her for it just because she was OK with spending the night with him.

@Onemansoapopera

you sound unhinged or is that the point

Exactly the point :)

I'm not unhinged, but I think that if men thought there was a higher chance that the woman they'd lied to might get very, very angry and tell their wife / stalk them on social media /contact their workplace / other mad stuff then I think they would be more cautious.

So if it was me, I'd strongly consider making an example of him, to discourage other men. How much do you know about this guy, OP?

You did nothing to feel guilty or stupid about! You didn't know he was married. & I disagree with the people saying you shouldn't have gone back to his hotel room - yes there was a small risk of danger but we put ourselves in small risks of danger everytime we get in a car etc.

You had a lovely night, don't let his lies taint your nice memories. & at least he told you the truth eventually rather than just ghosting you.

The next day I did realise I'd put myself in a potentially very dangerous situation. I'm trying to forget about that bit for now as I already feel bad enough about the rest of it

Remember The Part About The Danger.
Don't Do That Sort Of Thing Again.

In that way, you'll also avoid the other part of imagining some random guy is your new partner.

Men like him do this because they can, because women who behave like you make it easy for them.

It's not victim blaming to say you need to be more wary and to take more responsibility for yourself.

I wasn't out to meet anyone, still healing from the breakdown of a horrible abusive relationship really

If that's so, why were you on the sort of night out with friends where you hook up with some guy and your friends just leave you to it?

You are putting yourself in harm's way then wondering why harm happens to you.

I had therapy for PTSD after an abusive marriage. One of the things my therapist said to me was "When I walk into a waiting room I can spot my patient among everyone sitting there. Do you not think these perpetrators can spot a new victim the same way"?

Fucks sake OP is not a victim! She fancied a bloke on a night out turns out she won't be seeing him again because that's what happens on most nights out where you snog someone (cuddling and sleeping over optional if that's your choice!) it's like nobody on here as ever had a night out, is it me??!

Oneman, the OP obviously didn't get the memo as she seems surprised about the way things went.

You're right, tho, that's what happens and if OP goes on that sort of night out she shouldn't be surprised.

Btw, OP, all that about the absence of a wedding ring or even a mark on the finger?

You do know that lots of men who are married or in a relationship don't actually wear a ring, don't you?

Omg @Frenchw1fe if you were my mother I wouldn't tell you anything about my personal life due to your judgy moral superiority

op’s long gone i see (and who can blame her) but some people just can’t stop sticking the boot in. Guess what, people do silly things when they’re hurting and/or tipsy, and, this may come as a shock to some of you, but women who have experienced abusive relationships don’t always have the best boundaries.

There is a really unpleasant judgmental tone to some of these replies imo. Personally i find people who get their kicks from random hook ups to be way more wholesome company than people who get their kicks from berating abuse survivors on the internet for having the audacity to not be fucking perfect or make the best decisions while they’re healing

Stop giving her stick. It's no different to sleeping with someone on the first date (which several on here have done). As well, we put ourselves at risk every single day in life. Getting into a taxi is a risk, I risk being assaulted or worse every single day in my job.
OP is disappointed she was lied to and about the attitude of this man and I would be too. If you are still reading this OP it's not your fault at all. But this man did seem a little manipulative, trying to get you 'for a cuddle' at least.
We have all done things when tipsy, if a situation doesn't feel right then you are within your rights to walk away from it, next time it doesn't feel fully right with a man, walk away.
Lose this judgy, let's all pile on the OP attitude. Surprised you all haven't accused her of 'posting before' which I see everywhere.

That doesn't apply to every PP of course.

@anothernamejeeves you're either not a mum or there's something wrong with you that you would think any mother would care about morals when a child puts themselves in such danger.
As far as I'm concerned my dc can sleep with anyone they like, I just want them to be safe.

Sooooooooo many of them forget they are married.

Yeah, funny how many men seem to have amnesia - forget to take out bins, forget they are married......

Frenchwife. You've made your point. You're not her mum. Move on.

Oh, and i am a mum of girls.