Why do men do this?!

[MrsMidgeMaisel]

I'll start the thread by saying - I know women do this too...
Saturday night out with some friends in town, got chatting to a guy who was really persistent in trying to talk to me. I wasn't out to meet anyone, still healing from the breakdown of a horrible abusive relationship really (which is probably why I've reacted in such an extreme way to this!)

Anyway we talked, danced, eventually had a kiss. He was a fair bit older than me - I asked during conversation 'you're not married are you?' He assured me he wasn't due to lack of wedding ring. I said that rings can be removed and he made a big thing of saying there would be a mark if he normally wore a ring.

Outcome of the night was he invited me back to his hotel. I said there was no way I wanted to sleep with him, not into one night stands etc. He asked me to go back and talk and cuddle. I did and he was a complete gent, and we just talked, cuddled, kissed and slept.

We'd swapped numbers the previous night; he was visiting from another city. He text me within an hour of leaving, he said he wants to come and visit, I happen to be visiting his city within the next few weeks (have friends there) and we had spoken about it the night before so I reminded him of the conversation and he said he'd love to.

Few hours later he texted to say he hadn't been honest and is married. 'Sorry'. Just what the fuck. So repulsive. I asked outright and now I feel 1. Guilty

1. Just crap

3, An idiot

He told me details about how his marriage supposedly broke down! I just can't get my head around this level of lying. I think I'm upset because it's been a long long time since I have allowed myself to feel any kind of excitement about a man and the moment I did it feels like a kick in the teeth. Sorry it's so long and rambly.

It would have been worse if you slept with him.

You aren't a mind-reader and he's a liar.

You met a bad egg, no need to overthink it, especially if it's making you feel bad about yourself.

What a creep. A lying dirty creep. I hope his wife finds out and dumps him from a great height.

FWIW I think you were mad to go back to the hotel with him - it's something I've done but when you see that in black and white, you realise how dangerous it is. He could've been anyone. He might have raped you.

To be fair...I don't think women lie quite as much about being married. A single man who wants NSA sex would be okay with that.

At least he told you before you got invested....but I don't think it's wise to go back to the hotel room of a man you've just met. It's not safe.

I did this in my late teens, when I wasn't as sensible and it could have ended badly for me. I was in there with someone a lot stronger than me, who could easily have overpowered me.

So if a bloke persists enough, you'll eventually give in and go to his hotel room with him?

Perhaps it's other boundaries you need to shore up other than just the don't be married one.

Sooooooooo many of them forget they are married. It’s no reflection on you, just him.
But please consider your safety before doing that again.

Bastard.

I think you maybe still have to work more on your boundaries though. It sounds like he was able to talk you into bed with him. Its all very well saying nothing happened but if he could talk you into a hotel when you've just met him, he could have perhaps talked you into more...?

In future, trust your instincts more. I suspect you asked him about his status because you had an incline.

Considering you have came from an abusive relationship,you will likely find you attract more of these sorts unfortunately. You need to be more careful. And not take such daft risks in future!

Maybe do the freedom program?

And avoid dirty old men xD

No offence meant but were you "tipsy" when you made the decision to go back to his room with him? I find decision making in these situations is influenced by alcohol - and men know that.

Drinking alternate soft drinks or just stopping full stop at a certain time (noone has to know you're not drinking alcohol, you can drink something that looks like it and be discrete about ordering etc) helps with the "what the fk was I thinking" scenarios.

You were lucky he turned out not to be the rapey type, that's a sad but true indictment of men and much culture around the world.

As to being a married shit - you're feeling bad that you're single and you're meeting guys like this - but that's actually better than being married ... and married to guys like these, hmm (?) At least you can Wade through them and try to meet someone decent; their wives don't even know they're not married to someone decent.

As to why - bored, speak has gone with wife (whose spark hasn't gone after a few years?), wants to shag and get validation, fun and excitement with other women but doesn't want to divorce, with all the financial, social etc etc implications of that. There's married dating sites chock full of them.

Yeah am aware of how crazy it was to go to the hotel and was 'tipsy' although not drunk. The next day I did realise I'd put myself in a potentially very dangerous situation. I'm trying to forget about that bit for now as I already feel bad enough about the rest of it 😖

Don’t blame yourself, you asked him and he lied, several times. Really the red flag should have been when you declined leaving with him and he talked you into it. Good men respect a no thank you.

Try to forget about his deceitful behaviour - there's plenty of cunts of both male and female varieties who will lie about anything they like to get what they want.

Focus instead on your very risky decision to go with him to his hotel room without the intention of having sex. On this occasion you snagged a lying wanker. It could so easily have been worse.

There is no shame to you on either of these counts - he decided to lie to you even though you asked him outright if he had a partner. Had he been a rapist, equally no shame would apply - he would have made that decision to attack you.

But you can only control your OWN behaviour, not somebody else's. He would not have told you he was married whether you asked him or not.

I hope this post doesn't come across as victim blaming, because I intend the absolute opposite. You did as much due diligence as possible. He decided to lie.

Yes op. You had a lucky escape, and thank fuck for that. Dont feel bad though. What I don't get, is how these shitty types sniff us vulnerable ones out? What signs do we give off that makes them think, aha, fresh meat. Would love to know what am unconsciously doing wrong and what signals are giving me away...

Yes @P999 I guess that's part of why I feel so upset. I just got rid of one wanker and the first time in a long time I feel a remote spark of interest in someone they turn out to be a lying wanker too.

Like you say you wonder am I giving something off, a big sign on my forehead maybe reading 'MUG' ?!

You are lucky he behaved as he said he would, but no way should you ride your luck and do this again. You need to see home residence to know they aren't married, simple. Being invited to a hotel room - big red flag.

Hi OP

Most people with reasonable boundaries would not have believed the 'ring' talk that you knew was a lie but overruled your gut on.

Work on yourself, check your boundaries as others have said, and focus on you being the boss and only letting people youve correctly fielded into your space.

Youve put your own "mug" sign on your forehead, take it down, and be less vulnerable. You overrode your instincts on all the red flags. Dont do that again.

Or alternatively he's not married but seeing as you brought it up before going back to his as a dealbreaker it was a good way of getting out of meeting up again.

Also, wanting to meet up with him in his city when you're actually already going to see friends (so you say) comes off as a bit keen, he's a total stranger after all why would you cut into friends time for him... Maybe it just gave him the Willie's a bit

I'm sorry OP but I'm confused? he said he wasn't married and there was no ring mark and then after the agreement to meet up again he texts later on, in what I see as him being honest, by letting you know that he is in fact married (still) but had told you his marriage had broken down? Is that right?
How do you know he's lying then? He could be telling the truth that he's separated but still married, hence no ring. His "sorry" could mean he felt bad for not actually saying he is still legally married - maybe he didn't want to tell you that at the time you asked as he didn't know you at all, and he's decided to be honest with his situation now as you've agreed to meet up. Could you check his story out? SM?

You wanted to kiss, cuddle and also slept, as did he. That was what happened. Surely you proved a good judge of character. I suspect you would not have risked going to a hotel with a man who rang alarm bells.
And I agree with Onemansoapopera about him potentially not being ready to entertain you in his home city. We will never know.
Chalk this up to experience and move on.

It sounds to me like yes he is married but the marriage broke down and so they’re no longer together?

Obviously that could be a lie and his wife could be completely unaware. Who knows.

Me being be would have to look him up on social media to find out. It won’t take long if you’ve got his name and number!

Because they can. They feel entitled.

It’s as simple as that.

They want to have their cake and eat it.

My wedding ring doesn't leave a mark when I take it off either. Not good enough "evidence".

To answer the question of why, it's simply because they can, regardless of gender.

I saw it as clear as day at my last works event at the evening get together. A married person saying that they were going to have fun tonight and "whatever happens in the hotel, stays in the hotel".

There is the answer, away from home with little to no chance of being caught.

Personally I think it stinks and at that moment in time, any respect I had for that person vanished.

Nah women really don't do this. They're not predatory looking to take a guy back to their room with a pack of lies and him at risk for being assaulted, raped, or worse.

Probably the warning signs were he was out in a bar in another city. He was very persistent. he went a bit overboard when you asked about wedding ring. Then he invited you back to his hotel for a shag.

Then he admits he lied and wants a gold star for coming clean and he goes on to lie more with the oldest cheater lie his marriage broke down and his wife doesn't understand him and he is sooo sex starved.

You didn't do anything wrong. You expect people to be honest. Men lie to get sex. Just expect men to lie until they prove otherwise and things will be a lot easier for you.

Why have all men on here got a default of liars and they have to probe they're telling the truth?
If he had no rinfmg and no Mark, then actually yes, that is a good enough short term answer. He can hardly be pulling out a legal relationship status letter on the dance floor.
And actually he may be separated but still legally married. There's nene plenty of threads about both men and women who didn't go through the divorce for years. Perhaps this chap was actually trying to do the right thing.
I know a lot of women have been hurt on this forum and it of course has an effect on how you view life but to allow the past to affect the future is them still winning and still having control. I'm not saying to not learn from experience but just maybe not all men are predatory arseholes and some may just be OK. I've cringed at some women's behaviour too but they don't represent all of us.
OP perhaps he was just doing the right thing. Don't feel bad, don't let this affect you. It could have gone on for months or years without you knowing if he deliberately wanted to get away with it, so perhaps it was just timing for him rather than anything more sinister