MIL cleaning my house...

[Ilovethekitties]

Hi all,

I have a newborn and had to leave him for an hour today to go to a meeting to set up his bank account. He has a cold at the moment, so asked my MIL if she could watch him.

When I got home, she had done the outstanding laundry, hoovered the floors and cleaned the inside of the windows. I'm quite house proud and spend around two hours a day cleaning when my baby sleeps.

I know she is just trying to be helpful, but I feel doing these things crosses a certain boundary. She also hoovered in our bedroom and I'm really comfortable with her being in there.

She is a very nice woman, who is great with our son, but I need to very politely ask her to stop but I don't know how. She is VERY sensitive.

Before you ask, my DH is a fence sitter and won't do it as doesn't want to cause upset 🙄🙄🙄 I have said it wont if we do it in the right way.

Any advise welcome.

Really NOT comfortable*

And most of the laundry she washed was my dirty knickers, how embarrassing.

Next time, give her a long list of chores to keep her busy

Personally, I would be grateful for some help around the house when having a newborn. Has she done it before or is it the first time? Maybe she remembers how hard it was to have a newborn and wanted to help so that when baby is asleep, you can sit down and relax. If it’s a new thing, she probably just wanted to be nice. I wouldn’t take it as a dig that your house was dirty, as she would know you’re house proud just from knowing you.

I think that she saw that you have your hands full with a new baby and was being incredibly kind. Even if the dirty washing was underwear shes popping it in the machine not handwashing it ! Say thank you and tell her that you will do the same for her when she needs it x

Given you have a newborn, I’m sure she was being helpful, so I’d leave it until next time she is round. If she moves to clean, or you are leaving her in the house, just say you appreciate her kindness last time, but you’re fussy about your cleaning so please don’t do any, just enjoy the baby.
If she does it again after that, be firm. If she says “Oh I don’t mind a bit of cleaning ...” repeat that it’s not that, it’s that you don’t like other people cleaning your house so please don’t.

“Personally, I would be grateful for some help around the house when having a newborn.“

Irrelevant. OP has already said she DOESN’T want her to clean. So how anyone else feels does not matter.

Think you’re going to have to say something OP. Just say “it’s really not necessary to clean, I’d much prefer if you just enjoyed the time with your grandson.”

She’s helping you. Be grateful. Wish my MIL did stuff like that.

It sounds like she wants to be helpful. I’d give her a list of chores that you wouldn’t mind her doing (ironing? windows? fridge?) and specify exactly what you do not want her to do i.e. laundry. I would hate anyone else rummaging through my dirty scants. And tell her frankly that your bedroom is out of bounds.

I completely understand how you feel, we gave PILs our spare set of keys when we went on holiday incase of emergencies and when I came back MIL had done all the washing and ironed it- even my worn knickers, so embarrassing. Whole house smelled of bleach even though we left it tidy and our cleaner had been in anyway.

She'd also cut down loads of stuff in my garden which I was v pissed off about cos I was trying to create a natural area for wildlife.

DH was not bothered as he's the most laid back person in the world. But he saw it upset me so he thanked mil for all her hard work but asked her not to do it again because teen DS and I didn't feel comfortable with her washing our dirty pants and we had our own ideas for the garden. She was a bit upset but she gets upset by every little thing anyway 🤦🏻‍♀️ - and that's DH's problem to deal with, not mine

God, what is it with these MILs and their pathetic sons?!
Tell your DH to tell his mother to leave your fucking housework alone, or you will, and you will say it in those words, however 'sensitive' she is.

@TwiddleMuff instead of worrying about what I have said, maybe just reply to the thread. Nothing I said was offensive or rude so calm yourself down.

I'd be grateful otherwise next time leave your son at her house?

Sounds like she wanted to help you out since you had things to do and a poorly newborn - just trying to be nice.

I presume she doesn't just randomly let herself into your house or turn up unannounced to clean your house - that would be overstepping boundaries.

If it happens again, just mention that you'd rather she spent time cuddling her grandson when she comes round, rather than cleaning.

Awesome- what a wonderful woman - DH must have been pleased that whad not just a babysitter but a cleaner.

And what’s with you cleaning TWO HOURS each day ?!!

Firstly stop cleaning for 2 hours a day that’s too much, you’re gonna b pulling your hair out when your child’s a toddler! Secondly be great full for the help

Hi all,

Thanks for the responses. I know she is just trying to be helpful. She really is great, but it makes me feel uncomfortable or maybe feels like she has to. I have been low contact with my mim and dad since around 16, so I know it partly stemmed from being very independent.

I dont nap and cleaning relaxes me, so I like to do it. I'm just going to have a word with her next time or like PP suggested, give her a few light tasks and ask her to respect my privacy regarding not going in our bedroom or doing our laundry.

@Questionwithanamechange perfectly calm thanks, and I did address the OP.

It would be great if people could be empathetic in these types of threads, instead of people thinking purely about what they would like.

@TwiddleMuff I agree, whilst I appreciate people would like the help, I don't and would like help in addressing that in the best way.

I dont like to be made to feel like I'm ungrateful because I dont want my MIL to handle my knickers...

I think you mil thought she was helping and perhaps got carried away.
If you ask her to do chores that you feel comfortable about and that take a long time then she won't start on anything else.
Have you got a coat cupboard or a cupboard under the sink that need a tidy?

You don't sent your MIL handling your knickers!! I'm sure she didn't study them!

I think you're very ungrateful and from her POV she probably thought she was doing you both a favour by doing a few chores.

Next time drop your son at hers!

I would use the phrase "respect our privacy" the first time you ask. If she gets upset easily she might take that badly. Say something like "please dont do the washing or go in the bedroom as I have always considered them personal spaces, or it makes me feel weird"

I know it's not relevant to you OP but my mil stayed three days after I gave birth and just sat back giving me the evils when I was cleaning. Then she stayed for three months sat on her arde all day when i worked with three young kids and moaned to anyone that would listen that the house was disgusting. So your mil could be worse. Also yes my spineless husband did nothing about it and when i confronted mil, she told me I was a bitch 🤔

wouldn't

This site isn't great for us dyslexic people

I dont think badly of my MIL at all and sorry if that's the impression I am giving, I think very highly of her and she really is great with our son.

She has done this before throughout my relationship with my husband. Once she offered to feed the cat and we came home to our kitchen rearranged and some bushes dug out of our garden. And yes, the laundry also done again. So boundaries are a bit of an issue.

@azigazigah I dont want anyone other than me washing my pants, I dont know why that's so hard for you to understand. I'll send her your way next time so she can handle your crusty knickers

This is such a woman thing to be upset about, I've never heard a man complain that someone cleaned for him. It's sad because we have somehow linked our sense of worth and self by how tidy our house it. You say you do 2 hours of cleaning as you need to justify the cleanliness. I'm not being obtuse I was the same when mine were small, I felt my mil reflected on my failure to cope when in reality she was just being nice.

I think what would bother me more was that she was meant to be watching your baby - she couldn’t be doing that if she was cleaning windows and hoovering floors.
On the other hand for me personally even if I was house proud I would look on what she did as money in the bank meaning that I could use my time doing other chores.
Her going in the bedroom to hoover wouldn’t bother me at all - unless it came to my notice that she had had a good nosey around in my drawers, which would be overstepping my limits. The washing of my underwear wouldn’t bother me either but this isn’t about me, it’s about how you feel. What she did has obviously made you feel uncomfortable so either you or your OH if you don’t feel brave enough should tell her (nicely) that you’d prefer her not to do it in future.