MIL cleaning my house...

[Ilovethekitties]

Hi all,

I have a newborn and had to leave him for an hour today to go to a meeting to set up his bank account. He has a cold at the moment, so asked my MIL if she could watch him.

When I got home, she had done the outstanding laundry, hoovered the floors and cleaned the inside of the windows. I'm quite house proud and spend around two hours a day cleaning when my baby sleeps.

I know she is just trying to be helpful, but I feel doing these things crosses a certain boundary. She also hoovered in our bedroom and I'm really comfortable with her being in there.

She is a very nice woman, who is great with our son, but I need to very politely ask her to stop but I don't know how. She is VERY sensitive.

Before you ask, my DH is a fence sitter and won't do it as doesn't want to cause upset 🙄🙄🙄 I have said it wont if we do it in the right way.

Any advise welcome.

I wish someone could have been there to help us. I know what you mean though, it's your undies
Steer in the direction of stuff she can help with, could she run errands, shop etc. Just the stuff that doesn't need signatures or too personal.

Put out a 1000 piece puzzle and make it look like you've been sorting out the pieces by colour/pattern etc 😜

My MIL is like this. Can't sit still and bleaches my sink within an inch of its life given 5 mins without supervision. Has no concept of boundaries and will happily prune stuff or rearrange cupboards. Also has an insanely irritating habit of putting stuff in our kitchen that she doesn't want anymore but can't bear to throw out. Random pyrex dishes or old hand mixers...

Used to drive me crackers. Kids playroom keeps her mostly occupied now if she left in the house by herself with the kids
😂😂

I’d hate it too. I can’t stand anyone doing my stuff, I hate my husband doing stuff let alone his mother.

I think @dietcokeandwine has had the best idea/approach

@Ilovethekitties my knickers aren't crusty?? If yours are perhaps you need to get checked!

Seriously though I think you need to be a bit less uptight and not take offence, she probably did it in the hope you'd both appreciate the help and as she did her son's washing long before you did if she'd left yours out that would have looked a bit petty.

Plus as I said before take your DS to her house next time.

There's no such thing as a free lunch and there's no such thing as free childcare. Suck it up!

God you'd hate me! I did 5 loads of laundry, cooked a meal and sorted out my dgs s bedroom this week!

Send her here pls

I would be grateful. X

You’re allowed to not want her doing it OP. My DM and MIL both do this and it drives me barking mad.

I don’t have much advice for you as I can’t stop my own family doing it very effectively, but I do want to say that a) it’s your house and you’re allowed to not want someone else cleaning and tidying it, really you are, and it doesn’t matter how kind her intentions are or many people on here say “Oooh I’d love that send her over here!”, and b) set expectations clearly the next time she’s there, because if you leave it she’ll just get more and more used to doing it and it’ll be more and more difficult to redirect her without upsetting her. Let my constantly reorganised kitchen (why? whyyyyy?) be a horrible warning on that front.

The garden interference rings massive alarm bells. Anyone who does that is pissing on your territory. Put serious boundaries place, now, is my advice.

I need your MIL in my life, she sounds great!
We had the opposite problem when the kids were born, MIL didn’t lift a finger to help and expected to be treated like the Queen Mother - she wouldn’t even hold the baby. And of course liked to tell me how pale and exhausted I looked!

Seriously I’d let her continue to do it and do something for you that you enjoy with your free time. If you have more children or once the baby is on the move this MIL could be really handy. You don’t want to say something and regret it down the line.

I think what would bother me more was that she was meant to be watching your baby - she couldn’t be doing that if she was cleaning windows and hoovering floors.

It’s a newborn. Presumably in a cot. OP says she cleans for two hours every day so she isn’t sitting idly gazing adoringly at the child either.

Completely understand where you are coming from OP. My MIL was like this - wanting to clean, mother and "help" with our day to day lives. Well-intentioned,but it just caused resentment and frustration with both DH & I. Just as some examples -

She would buy us things we didn't need or wouldn't use . eg. new toilet cleaning brush, when nothing was wrong with the old one – it's for cleaning the toiletfor christ's sake!, numerous tinned veges or beetroot or canned fish which we don't eat, meanwhile she would be sooking about how she was struggling for money (um ok, so stop wasting money buying us stuff we didn't ask for or need!)

Doing jobs in a way that we'd have to re-do, or that didn't need doing, or causing problems (eg. snuck in & took our dirty washing home with her to wash ("tosave your water!"), and then she kept mixing DH's clothes up and his brother ended up with them.

Not taking "No" for an answer and doing things anyway– once our dogs got fed 3 x times normal food in one day because she ignored DH telling her 3 times viatext that we would feed them when we got home, she didn't tell us she'd fed them and so we thought they were all sick because our usual garbage guts dogs wouldn't (couldn't!) eat dinner we'd gave them.

House work, I felt the same as you – it's a personal space thing, and I like to do things my way.

This may not work for you, but seeing as a polite "thank you, but we'd rather you not do that" just got us a "why can't you just be grateful" and a side fisheye, I went a bit of a "Kill her with kindness" approach –

"Oh no, no, don't you dare touch that washing up, I would feel bad you doing that when you've got to go home to cook dinner for you & FIL and do your own washingup, I couldn't possibly let you do that!!"

"OH MY GOODNESS, I would be so embarrassed for my husband's mother to wash my underwear, you can't see that!!!" with a very embarrassed expression that impliedthere was some very scanty things in there.

"It's getting late, I would feel so bad you driving home late in the dark because you stayed to help me, you put that down now and head home so you avoid thewildlife that's out on dusk, it's not safe!"

"You've been so busy yourself lately, you must have your own housework to do and I would feel so guilty if you were here doing mine!"

I would just keep repeating things like this with a smile on my face.

This has worked for me – it's still a bit of work but as she won't respect healthy boundaries or the word "no", this is a least drama.

I'm slightly different situation in that MIL frustrates DH (her own son) just as much being like this, he has no trouble being blunt with her and doesn't careif she takes offence or sooks to the rest of the family about it. I just had to take a different approach to keep a bit of family peace as I'm a black sheep DIL.

Could you use the same approach but sell it like its for baby's benefit? "Now you relax and enjoy your time with darling grandson, I will feel so guilty ifyou do any housework when you are supposed to be bonding with DGS, I will sort that housework out when I get home, don't you dare lift a finger!".

She’s helping out. I would’ve appreciated that when my children were newborns. All grandparents are RIP here.
Appreciate her...she’s a keeper!

Christ alive. I am not asking for whether I'm right or wrong in the way I am feeling, I am asking on how I can nicely relay this to my MIL

And what does you DH think about his loving and caring mother helping out with some cleaning in his home (yes, it’s his too) while she’s looking after his child? Does he share your profound distaste ?

Or are your feelings about DH’s mother paramount?

Swallow your pride and don’t be ungrateful! Loads of mums wish they could have a bit of help around the house. I’d be mortified and really hurt if I were her and you said something

You only need to show gratitude if the act is wanted. If it's not it's an invasion of privacy.

I would've hated this. Even when I'm drowning in laundry I don't want outside interference. It's my home. It's my stuff and I make the rules.
YANBU to have your own boundaries.

God I would love someone to come and do some of the housework for free while I was out, bonus she looked after the baby at the same time.
Why aren't you comfortable with her going in your bedroom? That seems odd.

To an extent people on here who respond either No she's overstepping or Just be grateful have rather missed the point. It's totally dependant on the relationship and the dynamics involved.

I'm house proud but I work full time I'm a challenging role so I struggle with time. If DP mum is here , she is alone during the day and tidied and cleans because she doesn't want to feel she is not contributing. (Doesnt matter how often I tell her she doesn't need to contribute we love her ...she feels she wants to) there isn't an ounce of judgement from her, not a second. She wouldn't dream of going into our bedroom and I would only have to mention gently once that she didn't need to touch a specific thing and she would rather bite her own arm off than ever touch It again. She never ever brings it up to point out what she does and frankly is a sodding saint. From my point of view with her she can do what she damn well likes. She could repaint my living room and I'd be chuffed.

My exmil however was a bats hit crazy controlling loon. In her case she bought stuff because she wouldn't deign to ever clean...that wasnt her thing. But bet your bottom dollar she would do everything else. If she could have moved my furniture she would have. She was a judgy vile piece of work. So her ? Well it started with " dont touch a single coaster in my house" and ended up with you are banned from my home for ever more , do not darken my doorstep.

So very different situations and entirely dependent on the relationship, some people will clean to help and some to try to take control, if it's the former ....just gently ask her not to as you prefer to do it (which you say you do and that's fine...for me help with a newborn would have been great but genuinely different strokes for different folks) if it's the latter (it's a little odd that she is "sensitive" manipulative crying can be extremely controlling) then set the boundaries clearly and see them through, trust me you will regret it if you dont

Nah, I'd hate someone going into my wash basket and washing my stuff. Surely it needs some sorting? i have finally trained my OH to put his undies (which he doesn't want tumble dried) into a seperate bag, but you still need to sort through to check if anything needs separating.

SO yes, I'd go mad if anyone decided to go gthrough my washing and do it themselves. Stick the bath towels in the wash, probably okay.

Swallow your pride and don’t be ungrateful! Loads of mums wish they could have a bit of help around the house. I’d be mortified and really hurt if I were her and you said something

Really? So if you were her, and you were accidentally doing something with your DIL's stuff that really annoyed her, you'd rather your DIL shut up about it forever and let you keep doing it rather than very nicely ask you not to? That makes it more about fulfilling some need of yours rather than actually helping.

She can be grateful for her MIL's good intentions without letting her MIL do whatever she wants with the house and the garden. It's not being helpful if the person you're 'helping' doesn't want you to do it!

I have just nicely said whilst we appreciate her for everything if she could not do the laundry as it makes me a little uncomfortable and she was fine with it! I know it's all coming from a good place and she is welcome to help out with any other bits.

I have my boundaries and frankly I couldn't care less about you all who are calling my unreasonable, I don't like it, plain and simple. Unless I have accidently come onto one of those voting ones and asking if I am being unreasonable, I'm not sure why you're telling me your opinions? I came on here for help about how I can have a pleasant conversation with my MIL who I adore so I can set some boundaries without upsetting her, if you didnt have advice to give about that then you shouldn't have posted. I am a first time mum and not some villan.

Ae cant all be perfect like some of you obviously are 🙄

I would just tell her what you've told us that you appreciate the thought behind it but you're bored so quite like to do it yourself. Tell her if that changes in the future you would tell her and appreciate her help, but for now to just enjoy time with the baby when she's over.

And this is (at least partly) why women end up doing all the poxy housework! Firstly you can't bear anyone else to do it, and secondly, MIL does it unasked! I bet no-one would ever get male babysitter cleaning unasked! And I bet a father who's babysitter cleaned for.them wouldn't be grizzling.