MIL cleaning my house...

[Ilovethekitties]

Hi all,

I have a newborn and had to leave him for an hour today to go to a meeting to set up his bank account. He has a cold at the moment, so asked my MIL if she could watch him.

When I got home, she had done the outstanding laundry, hoovered the floors and cleaned the inside of the windows. I'm quite house proud and spend around two hours a day cleaning when my baby sleeps.

I know she is just trying to be helpful, but I feel doing these things crosses a certain boundary. She also hoovered in our bedroom and I'm really comfortable with her being in there.

She is a very nice woman, who is great with our son, but I need to very politely ask her to stop but I don't know how. She is VERY sensitive.

Before you ask, my DH is a fence sitter and won't do it as doesn't want to cause upset 🙄🙄🙄 I have said it wont if we do it in the right way.

Any advise welcome.

Talk about looking a gift horse ! If she did nothing you'd moan about that!

Can you send her over here, I'm love just anyone to clean my house.

@singlenotsingle no, I wouldn't, hence this thread.

Christ alive. I am not asking for whether I'm right or wrong in the way I am feeling, I am asking on how I can nicely relay this to my MIL.

@madcatladyforever absolutely can! Send me your details 😂

Next time she’s round and you’re going out say “please don’t clean the house when I’m out”

If it helps OP, I am no contact with my mother and haven't been for 15 plus years and minimally before that. I am low contact with my father who wouldn't dream of actually being helpful lol. My OH on the other hand has amazing parents who help out with his kids massively, do little jobs for him while he's at work, and generally are brilliant.
I found it hard to deal with, I wasn't used to it and I felt uncomfortable and maybe judged to a point. But I wasn't being. They genuinely just wanted to make life a bit easier for their son (and I). They've retired and have more time and it actually keeps them going and gives them something to do in their day.
Embrace that you have one set of grandparents that want to make life that bit easier for you whilst you bring up their grandchild. If you do genuinely feel you can't egt your head around certain jobs, just be gentle with them and I'm sure they won't mind. I think we just got unlucky with our lot so make use of the parents we gained lol

OP - do you have a bit of OCD? Because I don’t see any house that has adults and a baby only needing 2hrs cleaning daily.
While not an issue on its own - you will really struggle by the time your baby becomes mobile and starts creating actual mess.
I hope you find some other ways to cope, houses with small children don’t look like glossy magazine housing adds. There is mess that seems to be permanently created and one needs to realise that it’s part of life and temporary.
Having a family babysitter nearby is such a gift. So - think twice before you spoil that relationship.

Lol what's so interesting about the knickers? I get what op is saying about it feeling like an invasion of privacy but I'm sure she didn't inspect the pants? Sure she just threw them in the machine. From all the mentions of underwear I have images of the MIL scooping up loads of soiled pants? I would just say to her what you said to us - you want to clean as you find it relaxing, please don't clean while you're babysitting. Hope you manage to have a convo with her as she does genuinely sound like a helpful MIL

Just read about the crusty knickers! 🤔

@scotlandtobali she is fantastic, genuinely. I just have certain things I do not feel comfortable with is all.

Funny how men never seem to have a problem with people washing their pants!
Okay, I wouldn't like that either - but I'd be thrilled if someone did the windows!

It's frustrating to me that on these threads people always tell the OP that they would love someone cleaning their home. OP is an adult, with her own thoughts and feelings, and who has boundaries, and has clearly stated that she doesn't want this. It's patronising to tell her to be grateful and put up with it.

Anyway. OP, you're going to have to broach this. It doesn't need to be unkind. It sounds like you get on well so hopefully while she might be a bit put out she will come round.

I feel your pain OP, my ex mother-in-law would look after the kids and do things like rearrange the airing cupboard to how she thought it should be or clean out and reorder the fridge and it used to drive me insane. Mainly because I felt it was a little dig that I wasn’t keeping the house to the standards she liked. Glad I don’t have to deal with that now!!

Just express immense gratitude for the jobs you don't mind her doing. Then say but if you could avoid the laundry pls that would be fab. I like doing it/find it relaxing/it's my thinking time etc. That way she can't accuse you of being ungrateful

If it doesn't work, put a lock in your bedroom door!

I was like like this with my first when my mil used to do cleaning bits. I used to be offended.

Now a 4 year old, a feral 2 year old and a job and I'd love some help!

You are being unreasonable.

From both sides- she honestly probably thought she was giving you a hand. It was a really nice thing for her to do

On your side - I can see how you would think its crossing the boundary and mortifying for washing your dirty knickers
. I'm sure she just flung them in and didnt spend time inspecting them.

If it were me I'd say thank you so much for everything you have done but I find cleaning therapeutic. Maybe you would like to take baby for a walk instead?

Win win you get to clean and she spends time with baby

I am house proud too op and can understand how cleaning helps you feel in control and calm, I can’t relax properly in a messy house (though that said do be aware of your own mental health if it starts becoming more obsessive than you currently are as 2 hours a day is quite extreme, and certainly won’t be sustainable once the newborn is crawling, toddling etc).

On the Mil front though I would go down the apologetic/self deprecating route - i.e. “I know I’m really weird but I’m funny about doing the cleaning and laundry myself, I feel dreadful saying it as I know you’re trying to help us but honestly I’m best just left to get on with it”.

And take it from there.

Thanks to those who arent dragging me through the coals.

I have a new baby, am on maternity leave and struggling to fill my days of much of interest. My baby is perfect but there is only so much walking you can do and cafes you can visit. Cleaning is a way for me to relax, I enjoy it and i don't feel comfortable with someone else taking that role. I am perfectly capable.

What is it on MN that people are so precious about their bedrooms being 'personal spaces' aren't they just another room?

Sorry, I didn’t make any suggestions as to how you can tell your MIL you don’t want or need any help without hurting her feelings, mainly because I come from a family of straight talkers where if things are said offence isn’t usually taken, and if it is, the reasons are brought out into the open and discussed. Beating about the bush is not something we do and the conversation you want to have with MIL would have taken place before she went home.
You say your MIL is a nice woman so perhaps she thought it would be wrong of her just to sit twiddling her thumbs whilst you were out when there were things she could be doing which would save you doing them When you pluck up courage to tell her emphasise that you know that she was trying to be helpful last time she looked after the baby but you really don’t want or need her to clean for you as you like to do things your own way. Don’t be ashamed about this - your house, your rules
Questionwithanamechange sounds like a girl after my own heart though - that’s just what’s I’d be saying nicely to MIL as I left the house, leaving her in no doubt that she wasn’t to clean.
,

@Ilovethekitties, there's no nice way to say something to your MIL. Whatever you say you are going to sound petty and ungrateful and you are going to hurt her feelings.
Does one day make that much difference to you in the grand scheme of things? She responded to your request for help the way she thought was best, she wants to help and it sounds like you get along so far. She's your husband's mum.
It's coming from a good place and it's harmless, I'd leave it.
Btw I would love to be next on the list when she finishes at @madcatladyforever's house please.

Why is it people always need to say something about other peoples' standards and methods.

If the OP wants to do housework/clean for two hours a day then why shouldn't she?

Small babies often sleep quite a lot so if the OP would rather clean than read/watch tv/nap/whatever, then surely it's up to her?
And as the baby gets older then the OP will adapt if she needs to.

Regarding MiL. Don't say anything now but be very firm if she babysits again and tell her you don't want her doing laundry (but if there's something you don't mind, keep her occupied with that)

It’s a tough one. My DM is a bit like this in our house. She was microwaving something and when I went into the kitchen she was busy cleaning the microwave as she said it was a bit dirty. My house is spotless but she was just being helpful and saw a bit of food had dirtied it. She also said her phone was nearly dead so would I get her my charger. I was busy making tea and forgot and when I remembered a bit later she said oh I just popped up to your room and put it on charge. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest - I like that she’s comfortable in my home so I guess I would be a bit annoyed if my DH started giving out and talking about boundaries when my parents would do anything literally anything for us. So I would tread carefully. I know my mother would be delighted to think she’d helped out if she did what your MiL did and she would be so upset at what you are saying about your MIL. What is in your room that is so private that she can’t go in anyway? Ours has a bed and our clothes and my makeup in cupboards. So I don’t see the big deal.