How long could you do this?

[HumousWhereTheHeartIs]

I have been seeing someone for a year. He is lovely. He was separated for around a year before we got together but still shares a house with his ex. They are still married. They both work shifts so it works for them for childcare. We were just having a chat about the summer of 2021. He said he hoped he might have moved out by then.

He says he wants us to have a future, get married etc. It's lovely he and his ex are amicable. But I feel he and I can't really move forward while he's living there. Every weekend, holiday, meal out has to be checked with her for childcare. I don't want to pressure him but I feel frustrated.
Just in case anyone doubts whether they are actually separated, I know them both, know his parents, met the kids etc so they definitely are.
Has anyone done this? Is it unreasonable of me to find this hard?

I wouldn't have started a relationship with someone still living with their ex.

As above. Sounds awful. I couldn't do it

How long would I do it? Not at all. That way madness lies

Do you get to go to his house?

Is it unreasonable of me to find this hard?

Why do you need to question that?

I'm curious as to why none of you could

@user163578742 Because he undoubtedly finds it harder than me and is doing it for his kids.

@bangheadhere40Yes I have been a few times. We actually live quite far apart but work close together so tend to meet up near work or at my house.

Why would we find it hard? Probably for the same reasons you do! He's lived like this for two years and is planning another 18 months. No thanks

I think he needs to move but also he will still have to sort childcare even if not living with her. You shouldn't be hoping him moving out means he barely sees them

I've been him.
I had my ex live with me while he was unemployed. It made sense more than me paying through the nose for childcare. He didn't pay anything towards our son, but he was there to do the school runs and stuff.
I had boyfriends in that time who dealt with it, ultimately the relationships didn't last because I would always put my family life first.

She hasn't said anything about moving out means he doesn't want to see his kids!!!!!!

I would find that really hard though yeah.....is there a reason they can't sort this sooner?

no, I wouldn't even start seeing anyone if they lived with their ex. It sounds a nightmare tbh.

Because he undoubtedly finds it harder than me and is doing it for his kids.

So? We are talking about your life here, aren't we?

Someone else possibly finding their different circumstances more difficult than you find yours doesn't mean yours are acceptable.

@itsbetterthanabox I would never want him to see his kids less!

Absolutely no way I'd be with someone who lived with their ex.

Not. A. Chance!

What is preventing him from moving? Childcare or finances? And if finances, could he move in with you so he doesn't have to get his own place? There is no point continuing with an unhappy situation if he doesn't have an exit plan. It's all very vague and offering you no commitment. As a PP said, family was priority I their situation, and sorry, but unless he will commit to firm plans and timescales then you are not his priority.

@bangheadhere40 It could happen sooner. They have a house to sell and would both like the equity from there to buy separate places. It's miles from where they live and has a tenant in it.

@Rabbiting0n a combination of the two. I don't want to ask him to move in yet. You are right. It's vague. I do feel like a priority but I've never explained how I feel. I suspect he would move out if I mentioned this, but I'd feel guilty about it.

It's one thing him living in the family house still but it sounds like they have no routine. He has to check with his ex wife before he makes any plans at all?? Sounds horrendous.

If he at least knew that he was looking after the kids Saturday til Wednesday for instance, that would surely be preferable to this no man's land.

Sounds horrible for everyone concerned.

Also, has he never mentioned getting a divorce?

@chamomileteaplease A routine is impossible because of the nature of their jobs. I do see lots of him.

Absolutely no way would I have got involved in the first place. However, that's irrelevant.

I don't understand why he is still there, surely if he lived somewhere else he could have the kids on the days he has them now?

You should tell him how you feel. I don't think there's any excuse for living with your ex for this long and still having no plans to move out any time soon.

@bangheadhere40 yes he wants to get divorced and has seen a lawyer. They can't decide on finances until they sell their house so they are sort of stuck.

@PinkFluff2 I probably should but I don't want to put him under pressure. He is trying to do what's right for everyone. I'm not sure I can add to that just now.