How long could you do this?

[HumousWhereTheHeartIs]

I have been seeing someone for a year. He is lovely. He was separated for around a year before we got together but still shares a house with his ex. They are still married. They both work shifts so it works for them for childcare. We were just having a chat about the summer of 2021. He said he hoped he might have moved out by then.

He says he wants us to have a future, get married etc. It's lovely he and his ex are amicable. But I feel he and I can't really move forward while he's living there. Every weekend, holiday, meal out has to be checked with her for childcare. I don't want to pressure him but I feel frustrated.
Just in case anyone doubts whether they are actually separated, I know them both, know his parents, met the kids etc so they definitely are.
Has anyone done this? Is it unreasonable of me to find this hard?

I think you’re making excuses for him to justify to yourself why you should stay with him

It all boils down to if he truly wanted to leave then he would. If they truly wanted to separate completely then they would’ve had their finances sorted by now. No excuses.

Neither of them are going to leave their jobs so their situation isn’t going to change. Neither of them can ever have a normal relationship with other people in their current situation. I think you need to stop making excuses

You either need to invite him to live with you, that way he’s got no excuse to stay living there, or you either put up or shut up in regards to their situation

My husband was living at his exes for nearly a year after we got together. He was only really there for childcare when she was out of the house, and the rest of the time he stayed at mine. But the only reason it took them so long was because she was stalling over buying him out so that he could get a place of his own. He absolutely did not want to be there a minute longer than was necessary.

Is this the case with your partner, or is he quite happy as he is? I think that's the thing that would make a difference to me.

I would set a time limit on it, say easter or the start of June. Let him know. If there's no change in circumstances, then I'd walk away.

@PatellarTendonitis Wow. I am hardly chasing after him. I am a financially independant 43 year old mother with children of my own. I have been through a divorce myself. I'm well aware of how awful it can be. I have become close to someone lovely who has been an incredible support to me while I've gone through something. After a year, I'm feeling like I'd like things to move forward and I'm not sure how that is possible. I don't want to put even more pressure on him. I have decided to give it some more time. But thanks for adding to this situation the worry that my mother may feel that she has failed me.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 Exactly like this

@Upupandiwent This is exactly what I think is best. Thank you.

I would agree you need a set childcare schedule though. You shouldn't have to ask the ex every time you want to do something together. My husband has set nights and obviously there's flexibility when there needs to be on both sides, but we don't have to ask her permission before we arrange anything.

Also I think you've had some pretty narrow minded comments. On the face of it, to someone who hasn't been there, it looks dodgy as hell. But 7 years down the line and happily married, I don't regret sticking with my bloke. It was tempting to let him move in sooner to save him from buying a house of his own, but I didn't, and I don't regret that decision either.

Yeah but it could go either way, I'm very please for people it works for, but you can't be sure a man's dealt with it.

This is what xh did and if I was his new partner I certainly wouldn't like the way he talks to me/looks at me sometimes - I swear to God he hasn't processed it properly.

Too big a gamble imo.

TBF my husband's ex came out as gay so there ain't no way they were getting back together!

How confusing for the children involved. They are living as a family and the shit will hit the fan when they do physically separate. I wouldn't tolerate this at all. You sound like you think you owe him to stick around because he helped you through your rough times. That's no reason to stay with someone.

@BercowsFlyingFlamingo I Not at all. I was just explaining that he is kind and supportive.

Re divorce proceedings. Do you have to wait till stuff is sorted to start divorce proceedings or could he set things in motion officially before then (i.e. now)?

The "you" in the second sentence is a general "you" IYSWIM.

@sparklehorse Under divorce law here, you have to agree on everything before you can proceed. That greement then forms the basis of your divorce. They are officially separated despite living in the same house. But because the financial settlement (and subsequent house purchases) is based on the sale of a house with tenants in it, so it's dragging on. And the house they need to sell is on an island off the west coast of Scotland so not in a busy city with lots of viewers! Neither of them can afford to move without the sale especially because they have four children so both need the biggest place they can afford. They are both nurses so shift work adds more stress.