How long could you do this?

[HumousWhereTheHeartIs]

I have been seeing someone for a year. He is lovely. He was separated for around a year before we got together but still shares a house with his ex. They are still married. They both work shifts so it works for them for childcare. We were just having a chat about the summer of 2021. He said he hoped he might have moved out by then.

He says he wants us to have a future, get married etc. It's lovely he and his ex are amicable. But I feel he and I can't really move forward while he's living there. Every weekend, holiday, meal out has to be checked with her for childcare. I don't want to pressure him but I feel frustrated.
Just in case anyone doubts whether they are actually separated, I know them both, know his parents, met the kids etc so they definitely are.
Has anyone done this? Is it unreasonable of me to find this hard?

No. They are to entwined and it would be too messy. And the excuse about having no routine is nonsense. They will have to sort out a routine when he moves out. So why not now?

Have you met the wife and the kids?

Why would it take so long to sell their house. And they have two houses, one they rent out? And yet nothing has been progressed in the year you have been dating?

They are in limbo. Only they can get themselves out. They need to rip the plaster off and separate their lives. Until then he isn’t ready for anything other than a casual relationship.

If it were me and he mentioned marriage and a future blah blah I would laugh in his face. Because that’s the only possible response to the setup. As per pp it clearly works. But only really for the person who remains in the marriage and family home ie not the OP.

@Notcoolmum It's not nonsense. They both work night shifts, early shifts etc and they arrange their shifts so that one of them is with the kids while the other is working. They spend virtually no time together but doing it this way means the kids are put to bed by one and got up by the other. I have met his wife and children.
@latentphase you have hit the nail on the head

In did briefly date someone in this situation. London house prices. I bumped into him recently and he had moved out and their cosy set up had suddenly turned nasty. So I'm glad it not any part of it.

I agree with a PP. he's not ready for anything more than casual whilst he's effectively living with his wife as a married couple.

So how will this change when he moves out OP? They will have to have an agreed routine for childcare then. Right now it's a convenient reason not to make plans with you.

Their costs will be more when running 2 houses. And he will be paying child support unless he has 50:50 care so I can't see what would be different then and now that prevents them from having an agreed routine.

I am in the same situation. It is so so hard. I have tried halfheartedly to end it on numerous occasions but I just can’t. But I find it so uncomfortable knowing they still share a house etc

I would not do this at all. I would never go out with someone who was still living with their ex. And when I was single and childfree, I saw it as utter stupidity to saddle myself with some guy who had kids and baggage, life is hard enough as it is. You need to raise your standards. He's married and living as a family with his wife.

I would never do this, for the reason that (I found) you can only start to process the end of a marriage/family once it's properly over. He won't have gone through this yet, and it's essential in order to move on.

Xh stayed living here for 5 months after we "spilt" and it was absolute limbo. I didn't begin to recover until he left.

He started seeing his new partner immediately after the "splitting" conversation, while still living with me and the dc. She didn't do anything wrong as such, but I'm a bit annoyed about it because I think xh and I could potentially have fixed things otherwise (our problems were with the stresses of life, not each other, and I wanted to fix it).

I'd say, step back and let him come to you once he's out of the family home and divorced, at least.

@Notcoolmum I don't think it's a convenient reason not to make plans with me. But I agree that it could be similar once he moves out - or even harder.

Really oP when every meal out, weekend etc has to be checked with her for childcare...? They aren't acting like a separated couple sharing a home. They are acting like a married couple. If you want a real relationship with him I'd wait for him to move out first.

He's not ready for a relationship until they've sorted out future arrangements.

Unfortunately he isn't able to have any foresight into what his next year or two will look like, that's just how it is.

I wouldn't have got involved with someone in this set up in the first place because of exactly what you're going through now, but I appreciate perhaps you didn't realise it would be like this.

You'll need to essentially put your life on hold until he is ready for big changes as (quite rightly) his kids come first.

It's not healthy for you IMO and breeds resentment and insecurity.

Actually, I would not have a problem with this. If he were a single dad you would have even bigger child-care issues to deal with whenever you wanted a night out. And once he and his ex find separate homes, the children will always factor in his plans anyway.

@YasssKween very true. His wife has applied for a new job which would have school hours so I'm hoping that might change things.

But reading through all the replies has made me realise that I will give it a bit longer but ultimately walk away if things don't change.

But anything could happen with him emotionally once he's actually left the family set-up!

Xh had a breakdown and became alcoholic after leaving me - though he didn't regret the actual divorce.

You need a partner who has processed this massive life event first!

@MillennialPink That's how I thought I'd feel. Luckily she and I get on well or it may be worse. She has a new boyfriend so maybe they will bth want to drive things forward. I just think it works too well for them the way it is.

So they have 2 houses to sell and after supposedly splitting what 2 years ago nothing has moved on? Are you sure they have split? Have you met his kids?All sounds very odd.
Walk away

Surely he can start divorce proceedings now. I think you can negotiate a settlement even after the decree nisi, and when that's sorted you apply for a decree absolute.

NB I am not a lawyer, but I am divorced.

I'd feel like I'd failed as a parent if my kids wasted a year or more of their lives chasing after some married bloke with kids who's still living in a family set up with his wife. Out of the 4m or so men in the world the best you can do is someone with more baggage than T5.

@JKScot4 They have definitely split. I know them both, have met their kids and his family. We have mutual friends which is how we met.

i,e. They don't need to wait until the houses have sold, though I think they will need to have them properly valued.

Of course it works well for them! They have kids together. Why would they want to 'drive things forward' and make life harder for themselves and their kids? Especially when they have boyfriends and girlfriends willing to enable this set up. Best of all worlds!

@Thesparklypussycat finances and children have to be agreed before you divorce here. No such thing as a decree nisi where we are.

If their jobs are like that then I doubt that him moving out will change much.

Are they still sleeping in the same bed?

@SouthernComforts no. They barely even see each other.