Major fallout with dad over a birthday card

[lilly0102]

Tensions with my dad reached fever pitch and I lost my temper with him yesterday on his birthday.
I've been going through a hard time at work and in life and he text me on Friday saying hope you remembered to get me a birthday card ( I forgot once one year 4 years ago )
Yesterday morning I went to get him one after I dropped DD at school. At 1pm I had passive aggressive text saying you haven't sent me a text or posted my birthday card yet.
So I felt really miffed as the day isn't over at 1pm said I would drop it off and come over after I picked DD up.
I gave the card to my dad and he opened it the look on his face because there was no money or giftcard inside (I'm skint and dad earns more than 50k)
DD went to the loo and Dad just started to let rip at me.
So I let rip back ,
There's a past of abuse in my family , it's very dysfunctional and if I question my dad he accuses me of being mad like my mother (they divorced mum has mental illness so I stayed with him until I moved out when I was 17 when his bullying became too much I remind him the most of my mother out of the three of us ) my brother is my dad's favourite and grandson he doesn't even try to hide it, he sees DD a few times a year and has babysat her twice in 7 years after
this row my dad told me to get out and my DD burst into tears.

I feel bad about arguing with my dad on his birthday. I'm now frightened my dad is going to tell my siblings he will twist it and make out I'm mad and just like my mother.

I'm feeling very sad today, I'm not sure how to heal the resentment I feel towards him and the rift.

He's an abusive cock. What Chuckles wrote. Please get to the Stately Homes threads and break the cycle by getting yourself and your child away from this abuser. This is not love, this is control and abuse.

I went NC with my father last year. It was basically over him shouting at my DD over the phone for not thanking him for her birthday present (she was phoning to thank him, but it was a couple of weeks later, and he required it in writing) even though I'd already acknowledged receipt of the gift and thanked him on her behalf. In addition, I'd forgotten to send his partner a birthday card, her birthday is the day after my daughter's so I invariably forget because I'm focused on my DD having a good time, party, etc.

Me going NC wasn't over this of course. It was about 40+ years of emotional abuse due to his narcissistic behaviour. I had grey rocked him for a couple of years because anything personal I told him would be turned against me or my DC's in some subtle way, but that made it worse, as you also identify, because he got more and more angry at my lack of effort. Anyone that says to you its your fault for not making enough fuss, giving him a present or whatever, is entirely missing the dynamics of the relationship. It is death by a thousand cuts and he will find something to criticise you with. I was deep in FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) but ultimately I have made the best and only decision that is vital for my mental health AND my DCs. My DCs do not miss him, and he has made no effort to keep in contact with them, which is a relief but I did not say that he couldn't send them birthday cards, etc. that's his decision as far as I'm concerned. I would say his interest in them was very much limited to how they were moulding to his vision of what they should be doing, not any true interest in them as people.

Going NC has been really tough for me and I have felt very sad, but it has also allowed me to examin his personality and my relationship with him over the years from a distance and understand it better. He is not capable of the empathy and love that I need from him, and that I needed even more when I was a child. The lack of it has certainly damaged me, but I can now heal. It is a relief to know that I don't have to see him again if I choose not to. To some it will sound cruel, but for those of us that understand it will sound like the most obvious thing to do.

I have this weird dynamic in my family about cards and birthdays so can totally relate to you Op in that it's not really about cards and presents. It's another form of control to put you in your place. In your case it's a rod to best you with.

In my family (now completely no contact with) if you are in favour you receive cards and presents. If you are out of favour you may just get a card or nothing at all if you have used up all your 'strikes'. Depending on the offence there's a grading system with presents that have a 'message' behind them. If you've been good and satisfied their attention needs then gifts are good, if you've failed then they're basic.

My last gift from my narcissistic mother was a cheque, the same cheque that she'd given me the previous two years. I was backing away at this stage, disengaging from her control. The last time I saw her I was presented with the cheque for a land mark birthday and an ultimatum that if I didn't shape up and start hovering around her like I always had, then not to bother. I chose not to bother. My golden child brother on the other hand received a substantial gift and an all expenses paid party for the same landmark birthday the year before. It's hilarious because she has no concept of how petty she is.

I also had the 'mad" label attached to me as a child by my mother and brother. I did have terrible social anxiety and barely left my room but that was mostly due to the scapegoating that went on in my family and my shame at not having many clothes to wear which made socialising very difficult. Sounds daft I know. The irony is that having been driven to therapy by my childhood to check whether I was indeed 'mad' my therapist suspects that my mother has a personality disorder. She was a terrible self absorbed, promiscuous and unstable mother but projected all her issues into me.

I think you have struck gold with your DHs family so why do you need or want your awful father and brother? It will take some processing but staying for the abuse will wear you away like others have said.

I don't really understand why your father was horrible to you when you went to visit him & took a birthday card

If you were short of money you could have written in the card that you would cook for him or take him out for a meal on X date or do something together that he enjoys in the near future

If you were short of money you could have written in the card that you would cook for him or take him out for a meal on X date or do something together that he enjoys in the near future

OP could have but didn't and that should not have resulted in her father 'letting rip'. This is not normal behaviour. Neither is OP's fear that he will make her out to be mad a normal reaction. This is a dtsfunctional father-daughter relationship, but from how I am reading it, that is of HIS making and not the OP's.

I agree

The fathers reaction was horrible, despite the card & visit

So, he didn't really deserve a present

Haven't heard off him today , not surprised I won't be reaching out I'm not a little girl anymore it's a birthday card .
Thank you I've spoken to my friend whos very impartial and she told me yes my dad's out of order

Lilly, no one needs people around them who call them mad. God, what a disgusting thing to do to a 13-year-old. It sounds as if your father has never stopped bullying you. Please be kind to yourself and cut contact with him. You don't have to make (or let him make) a big drama of it: just stop visiting.

You could always send Christmas and birthday cards or texts, if you don't want to give him or your siblings ammunition.

I could have written this post. Your dad sounds exactly like mine. The difference I have is that my mum has stayed with him and always backs him up as she’s scared to do anything else. I know people say cut them off but it’s just not that simple. Emotional ties are really hard to break, even when you know the v relationship is toxic. I have no advice just sympathy and solidarity.

@FreshStart01 thank you for posting that, I know how hard all that was. 💐

@FreshStart01
@Dacquoise

Well done to you both.
Ye sound so emotionally intelligent and evolved.

I think what a huge number of people don't get, that post on here, is just how hard it is to parent your own children happily if you have a bullying, nasty parent in your life, belittling you, and taking your peace.

It's just too hard.

Whilst going NC will be difficult, a grieving period is very natural.....for the the childhood and relationships you wish you had.

Time will ease that, as grieving does ease some types of pain, but also distance helps to allow the peace and relief to seep into your life.

That peace allows you to parent your own children better, and gives you a chance to enjoy them fully.

Ye both sound like very brave women👏👍

@Allwalkedout it is very hard indeed to remove yourself, especially if your mother is stuck. If you haven’t already seen it, the Out of The Fog website is really helpful. But I know there are many reasons people don’t leave.

Don’t spend your life living in the shadow of control though, there are steps you can take to lessen the impact.

Leaving there saved my sanity

So stay away from him now. He is a disgusting excuse for a human being. Leave him and your brother to continue whatever fucked up relationship they might have. But you need to get away from them to preserve your sanity and create a stable, loving environment for your own dc - not one where they are in any way influenced by your bullying toxic father and brother.

Thank you @billy1966. I think it's really important to validate other posters experiences in these situations. Dysfunctional families operate a whole system of insidious abuse that's not always obvious to outsiders. A bit of validation can make all the difference to someone suffering and make them realise they're not overreacting, they're not imagining it. It's real and it's wrong.

Well I'd take this as a win. You can just never contact him again. Who gives a fuck what he tells your siblings?

It seems pretty obvious that he contributed to your mum's MH problems.

@Herocomplex Thank you x

OP, there's some wise advice on this thread. Please ignore the few who say you should continue making an effort with your father. It's not about the birthday - as someone upthread said, that's just an in for him to emotionally manipulate you.

I wish Mumsnet had been around when I was deep in the FOG with my mother. It would have helped me escape before her dementia saved me from her narcissistic guilt trips

And thank you @billy1966

Who cares what he says to your relations. You know what happened and that's all that matters.

Go nc with him op, he will never be good for you

Did the card have a big badge on it with “5 today!” on?

He’s a cock

This

PS with a courtly bow to @TheLadyAnneNeville

@RichardofYork. We meet again, Sir.

Bloody hell keep him away from dd

DD has been asking since she got in why grandad threw us out and why was he shouting at me. I don't know what to say to her apart from im sorry you heard that sometimes grownups argue.

Does anyone elses family have this weird dynamic where they expect lavish cards presents and expect visits over the holidays but you never talk the rest of the year they never bother when life gets tough or you actually need them to offer support ?

Dads had health problems the past year , he got a period of depression he wanted his gf me , my sister and brother all to hold a vigil at his bedside (which was 90 mins drive away ) he wanted someone with him all the time in hospital and when he got home I gave him a lift home from hospital.

I dropped him off and he started shouting at me saying don't bring your madness here when I was trying to make him feel better and be positive.

I never used to hear off him before his illness , DD was in hospital he never came to visit, when I was poorly in hospital he never came to visit he never bothered with me and DD but when he's ill he wants everyone there at his beck and call.

My childhood was full of abuse and he wants me to care for him and dote on him when hes ill/ on his birthday.

I guess I'm reaching the point where I can't pretend anymore, i think that's what has thrown me the last year dad has wanted more contact and more emotional support but I don't want to give it to him because of the resentment.

Your childhood sounds awful, and the abuse continues.

You would benefit from counselling to help process all this shit.

Plus there's the Stately Homes thread...

I’m so sorry you are still living a nightmare with your family 💐☹️

It all sounds horribly familiar. I moved to a different country at 21 to get away!

Please join the “but we took you to stately homes!” thread. You will be amongst friends ❤️ X